My drinking controls me

[Tinydance]

Something I haven't written about here is that I've been an alcoholic since I was a teenager (I'm 36). Alcoholism runs in my family. My Mum's brother and Dad's father were alcoholics all their life. However I wasn't close to them at all and hardly knew them. My Dad literally never drank because he resented his father's drinking. My Mum hated her brother for his drinking and drinks very rarely and minimally.

I started drinking as a teenager because I guess it's a big part of young people's culture here in Australia. Straight away I seemed to have an addiction to it (maybe genetic) and it's actually been a huge struggle to battle that addiction all my life. I feel so sad and frustrated with myself that this addiction controls me, and I so badly don't want it to.

I first started seeing a drug and alcohol counsellor when I was 22. I'd had some bad drunken incidents before that but at 22 I had a very bad accident. I was really drunk and I fell face down at a train station. Apparently I was really close to the edge of the platform and nearly fell on the train tracks, but a station cleaner ran to me and pulled me back and saved my life. I smashed my face and knocked out a front tooth and knocked some other teeth so bad that I had to get four root canals. I was taken away in an ambulance and was in hospital overnight. 

I think after the counselling my drinking improved. When I was 24/25 though my alcoholism got so bad. I was in a two year relationship but I developed mental health issues and was in a psychiatric ward. After that my boyfriend broke up with me saying he didn't want to date someone with mental health problems. It was a very dark time in my life where I also gained 15 kg from some psychiatric medication. My drinking got so out of hand that I basically drank 1-2 bottles of wine every day for 1.5 years. I was completely addicted to drinking and the longest I could go without it was 1-2 days before the cravings got the better of me. I was drunk all the time even to the point of always going on dates and out with friends drunk. I learnt to function like that. When after six weeks I revealed to someone I was dating that I'd been drunk on every date, they were truly shocked because they had no idea!

During that time I had maybe three shorter stays in a detox but I kept relapsing when I got out. I was I  rehab for a month and it was a really good place. They made me go to four two hour Narcotics Anonymous meetings per week and I hated those NA meetings. I hate twelve step programmes because I'm an agnostic and I don't like all that talk about God and cult like feeling. Anyway going to all those AA and NA meetings knocked some sense into me. I'll never forget one story this man was telling where him and his wife were both alcoholics and she stuck a high heel shoe into his back when she was drunk! I'd heard some scary things in those meetings. I knew that I had no choice- I hated myself for being an alcoholic. So it was either I had to stop being one or I had to go to all those meetings, which I loathed lol Anyway I got out of rehab and didn't drink for six weeks and after that cut down on drinking a lot. For maybe two years barely drank.

The past maybe six years I've been seeing a drug and alcohol counsellor at a really good free support service. My counsellor has said to me a number of times though that she doesn't think I truly want to stop drinking and I'm not making enough effort. I suppose that's true. It's like I feel so awful about myself that I drink but I feel like it's actually the alcohol controlling my life and I don't have control? I don't know how to be the one in control 😞

In COVID lockdown I think is when the drinking really spiralled out of control more. I live alone with no pets and my job was cancelled for six months. I'm an extremely social person so being alone 24/7 I was really going mad. I felt depressed and began to order bottles of wine on Uber Eats. The problem was I could literally order the wine anytime up until 10:30 p.m. I began to drink 1-2 bottles of wine at once at least a couple of times a week, sometimes more. I felt sick and my doctor thought I was developing gastritis. I considered going into rehab but the idea of not being home with no visitors at all due to COVID seemed daunting. Though I wasn't working for six months so I could have gone. Maybe I was just looking for excuses not to go.

I went back to work about four months ago but those drinking habits seem to have stuck. I'm drinking basically every day now. I'm seeing this guy and I've been drunk on most of our dates, which he doesn't actually know. I don't think he's noticed but on most of our dates I'd had like a bottle of wine before I even came on the date. I feel like maybe I'm not even really into this guy that much but the alcohol made me feel like I was? Anyway last night I got high on these really strong painkillers and drank a bottle of wine and I was so buzzed. He came over and I was so drowsy and slow and making conversation was a huge effort. 

He woke up at 7 a.m. but I kinda wanted him to leave so I said I just wanted to keep sleeping and wasn't going to get up. So he went home. At 8 a.m. I drank more wine  😞

I know the drinking is becoming an issue again. I've permanently deleted all my food delivery accounts. I have a virtual appointment with my doctor and my counsellor tomorrow but I don't think my counsellor is happy with my progress. I hate AA but I did do a SMART Recovery meeting on Zoom once which was good. Maybe I'll start doing them again. I'd tried taking some anti drinking medications like Campral and Naltrexone but they caused depression and suicidal feelings and my doctor told me to stop them.

I want to keep trying but it really just feels like I can't stop drinking. I feel so frustrated because other people just have one glass of wine with dinner and they're fine. But it's like there's something inside my brain that's not like everyone else.

Has anyone here struggled with addiction of any kind? What did you do and what helped you?

 

[Capricorn3]

24 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

My counsellor has said to me a number of times though that she doesn't think I truly want to stop drinking and I'm not making enough effort. I suppose that's true.

I'm sorry to hear this.   BUT, the above is significant I think.  That was my first thought too when reading your post (I read it twice).  My feeling was that you're not successful in beating it because you don't "follow through" with any programme to completion.  Could it be that?  You mention several times that you hate AA.  How long did you stick to it?  Maybe you need much longer spells in rehab because the times you have been, don't seem long enough for you.

You have to want it (healing) bad enough for it to succeed.  Going by what I have read, unfortunately I agree with your counsellor.

(Side note:  In another thread you were talking about wanting a child and thought about your friend being a donor.  I think at this point in time, with your very clear struggles with alcoholism, please, whatever you do, do NOT bring a child into the world until you are sober for several years).

I wish you well.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes many tries to get clean and sober.

Sometimes it's medical problems, sometimes it's legal problems, sometimes it's financial problems, sometimes it's relationship problems. 

Maybe you haven't hit "rock bottom" yet. Hopefully you don't.

There are inpatient detox and rehabs. But no matter the program or support groups, most don't condone "social drinking".

It's difficult also if your friends and family drink. Keep trying. You've only got one life.

[Seraphim]

Yup, and it took many many tries to stop binge drinking and using opiates. 
 

I think it is time to go back to residential rehab if that’s possible and never have a drink again. Like ever, not even just a social drink. Done. It is not necessary to having fun anyway. 
 

You CAN do this. ❤️Just set your mind to it that life is important. Your life depends on it. 

[Jibralta]

Tinydance, you are in serious trouble. On some level, you understand that you are not in control, yet you contemplate your options as if you have some kind of choice:

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I know the drinking is becoming an issue again. I've permanently deleted all my food delivery accounts. I have a virtual appointment with my doctor and my counsellor tomorrow but I don't think my counsellor is happy with my progress. I hate AA but I did do a SMART Recovery meeting on Zoom once which was good. Maybe I'll start doing them again. I'd tried taking some anti drinking medications like Campral and Naltrexone but they caused depression and suicidal feelings and my doctor told me to stop them.

It's just another stalling tactic. What you have to do is commit to a program. Commit to abstinence. That is the only shot at control that you have.

I'm agnostic too, and I can just tune that God stuff out. I wonder if the real issue is your resistance to quitting. 

Not necessarily trying to promote AA here, but nothing is going to work until you commit to the choice to stop drinking.

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I considered going into rehab but the idea of not being home with no visitors at all due to COVID seemed daunting. Though I wasn't working for six months so I could have gone. Maybe I was just looking for excuses not to go.

Of course that's what happened. You know the pattern. Another opportunity rejected.

There's this haunting song by Liz Phair--Table for One--about alcoholism, written from an alcoholic's point of view. The lyrics are very descriptive, and what I find striking is the underlying current of anger and frustration that keeps the alcoholic locked in the addiction cycle. I see some of it in your post, as well.

 

[maritalbliss86]

Lots of people in my extended family were alcoholics... I do think there's a genetic component there for sure.  Reading through this just made me want to hug you and tell you that you have to do this ❤️ 

I agree that if you want to have kids, or adopt them, they'll NEED you to be sober.  Kids are so helpless, and they'll need you to be a good mommy and they'll depend on you for everything.  And parenting is hard, you want to be sober so you can make the best decisions.

Maybe listening to some testimonies on Youtube on overcoming alcohol addiction on your own time, at night or whenever you feel the temptation could help 

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=celebrate+recovery+testimonies+alcohol

[Batya33]

I wanted to add that I can relate to why you might not like all the God references but as an outsider to addiction I know so very many people who have had their lives saved by AA.  Gold standard it seems. So I'd do it despite the god references downsides -and yes tune those out as I think Jibralta said.  Your recount of the guy being at your apartment was truly scary - I know you know him but you easily could have let someone else in your apartment in that state of mind and you don't know him "that" well.  I hope you take affirmative steps soon and I wish you the best.

[Lambert]

Some good advice here, Tiny. I'm sorry for all you're going through.  I think until you're ready to say and believe it, 'I cannot have one sip'. This will continue. You're at a crossroads right now. 

Do what you've always done.  Get what you always get.

Try something different.

As Seraphim said,  maybe a residential place would be best? Can you look into that?

[boltnrun]

Please keep in mind, having a child will not "force" you to be and stay sober. My ex is a crack addict and he mentioned while we were together that he thought having a child would "get" him clean. I declined because I knew that wasn't so. And he ended up fathering two kids after we broke up and he doesn't see either of them because he went to prison for three years for grand theft (stole to support his crack habit) and his parental rights were removed. Those poor kids are growing up fatherless because he wouldn't get sober.

You really have a life or death choice here; commit to getting sober or die a painful, lonely death. I truly hope you choose to live.

[East4]

Hi Tinydance,

It was sad to read your post, a young life has been wasted, it is a pity.

An addiction is more than just a bad habit and it serves a psychological need of the person, this is why it is so hard to eradicate. If it was just a bad habit, with a bit of will power, it would have been easy to change, like for instance learning to wake up early, for people that are not a morning person. They say it takes 6 weeks to change a habit. Including when it comes to substances-alcohol, or drugs.

For instance, many soldiers in the Vietnam war were abusing drugs while they were deployed. Statistics show that after the end of the war, 80% of the soldiers that were using drugs during the war, grew out of the habit, when they returned back to a normal civilian life. The other 20% could not overcome the addiction after the end of the war. So, it is not exactly the substance that makes the addict an addict. It is the addict need of the substance to keep them going. It is a paradox, because, the same like you, many addicts realise, that the addiction kills them, and part of them wants to stop. But another part wants to continue, because there might be another, greater fear within the addict, something that they feel will make them disintegrate if they face, or emptiness that is much easier to filled in with alcohol, than facing squarely.

This is why very often children that were raised without parental love, were abused, or other wise suffered in childhood, and failed to learn to love themselves, or blame themselves for being unlovable, reach to the alcohol, or drugs, to numb these feelings, because it is hard to stand and face emptiness and feelings of hurt, in particular if these were caused by the very same people they are used to love as parents. I am not saying this is your case, it is worth it though to explore this feeling awful about yourself, which you mentioned in your post:

10 hours ago, Tinydance said:

My counsellor has said to me a number of times though that she doesn't think I truly want to stop drinking and I'm not making enough effort. I suppose that's true. It's like I feel so awful about myself that I drink but I feel like it's actually the alcohol controlling my life and I don't have control?

Totally support the advice to follow your AA programme and to not associate with people who drink. But this is only part of the solution. It addresses the symptom, i.e. the drinking. But for a long lasting change, you will have to explore this feeling of emptiness and awfulness, what is the origin of it? It should have started sometime, somewhere, when was that? When did it start this feeling that you are not in control of your life? What is the pain that you avoid looking at?

There is not need to feel awful about yourself, due to your drinking. It is a mistake you did, and one that you are under no obligation to repeat. Everybody has made mistakes, I have done one serious and million of other smaller mistakes. This does not make me feel bad about myself to the point of abandoning me. Mistakes are there to teach something and to be corrected, not to be drunk away 😉

Dr. Gabor Maté, physician and addict himself (shopping) has done some though-provoking talks on the topic of addiction:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mpbBAQvrKM

Wish you a lot of courage and self-love in your battle.

[gamon]

AA is probably your only hope, it's a gradual process that changes you as a person, it actually has very little to do with "stopping drinking". As far as the god references go, I know many people in AA who don't believe in god and they're quite comfortable with using the term god to refer to a higher power- the energy and strength that comes from being united with a group of people with the common goal of improving themselves.

Time to get out of your comfort zone and do something you hate because you're in a downward spiral and things won't get better until and unless you do.

 

[DancingFool]

The only people I know who have successfully quit their addiction did it through drastic measures. Specifically they quit cold turkey. Not a drop, not a sniff, no rehab, no support groups, no nothing. They decided they are done with it and the rest was pure willpower.

So on that note, I agree with your therapist that you aren't at a point where you really want to quit.

The other thing that stands out to me is have you ever had a proper psych evaluation? Too often people go undiagnosed with other issues and alcohol is a form of self medicating.....except it's destructive and also a red herring of sorts. You are using that and focusing on that, but bigger issues are eating away at your life and health because they aren't being treated properly. Food for thought and something to look into.

The other thing is "how can others just have a glass and stop"..... Yes, you are different and you've got to accept that this is OK and normal. It's like being diabetic, or allergic to shellfish or peanuts or any number of other things people have to deal with. That's your lot and you can treat it like a tragedy and make yourself miserable and spend your life lusting after that sugary cake, or you can accept it and embrace it and be you. Invent an awesome alcohol free drink, bake a to die for cake without sugar. Change your perspective and you'll change your life. Yes, I know it's not easy to do, but what's the alternative? Perpetual misery? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

The only people I know who have successfully quit their addiction did it through drastic measures. Specifically they quit cold turkey. Not a drop, not a sniff, no rehab, no support groups, no nothing.

Sorry but I disagree with this. Long standing alcohol use and sudden discontinuation can lead to life-threatening emergencies. 

Alcohol withdrawal syndrome (AWS) is a common and life-threatening complication of alcohol use disorder (AUD)

However agree that "social drinking" is not an option for sobriety.

[Seraphim]

13 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

The only people I know who have successfully quit their addiction did it through drastic measures. Specifically they quit cold turkey. Not a drop, not a sniff, no rehab, no support groups, no nothing. They decided they are done with it and the rest was pure willpower.

So on that note, I agree with your therapist that you aren't at a point where you really want to quit.

The other thing that stands out to me is have you ever had a proper psych evaluation? Too often people go undiagnosed with other issues and alcohol is a form of self medicating.....except it's destructive and also a red herring of sorts. You are using that and focusing on that, but bigger issues are eating away at your life and health because they aren't being treated properly. Food for thought and something to look into.

The other thing is "how can others just have a glass and stop"..... Yes, you are different and you've got to accept that this is OK and normal. It's like being diabetic, or allergic to shellfish or peanuts or any number of other things people have to deal with. That's your lot and you can treat it like a tragedy and make yourself miserable and spend your life lusting after that sugary cake, or you can accept it and embrace it and be you. Invent an awesome alcohol free drink, bake a to die for cake without sugar. Change your perspective and you'll change your life. Yes, I know it's not easy to do, but what's the alternative? Perpetual misery? 

 

 

Yup, I only did it by total cold turkey. I didn’t do supports or help . I was just done. But I do have incredible will power when I choose to. 

[gamon]

Suggestions for heavy problem drinkers to quit cold turkey is reckless advice and can result in life threatening complications.

Do not do this without consulting with a physician.

[Seraphim]

16 minutes ago, gamon said:

Suggestions for heavy problem drinkers to quit cold turkey is reckless advice and can result in life threatening complications.

Do not do this without consulting with a physician.

If you are an every day drinker, yes. I was not. I was a weekend massive binge drinker. 

[gamon]

3 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I was a weekend massive binge drinker. 

It's good that you clarified that because your post that I quoted seemed to be endorsing going cold turkey.

[boltnrun]

I quit drinking cold turkey but I was not a heavy drinker and I certainly was not drunk every single day.  Or even drunk at all.  I had one beer or one glass of wine after work.  I quit drinking because I am on medication that precludes alcohol consumption. Plus, alcohol aggravates my medical conditions.

However, someone who drinks large quantities of alcohol on a daily basis does in fact run the risk of sudden death if they quit cold turkey.  Their bodies are dependent on the alcohol.  Stopping drinking requires the guidance and supervision of a medical professional.

OP, I hope you choose to live and to get healthy.

[Seraphim]

7 minutes ago, gamon said:

It's good that you clarified that because your post that I quoted seemed to be endorsing going cold turkey.

I did however cold turkey opioids. I would take 12 pills a day and cold turkeyed. I was laying on the floor shaking and sweating and vomiting at work. It took about 7 times to quit but I did. I wanted my husband and to be a mom so that had to end. Plus I was putting myself in an early grave. 

[Jibralta]

My friend's husband had a heart attack after he quit drinking cold turkey.

[Fudgie]

37 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I did however cold turkey opioids. I would take 12 pills a day and cold turkeyed. I was laying on the floor shaking and sweating and vomiting at work. It took about 7 times to quit but I did. I wanted my husband and to be a mom so that had to end. Plus I was putting myself in an early grave. 

I'm glad you did. Opioid withdrawal is miserable but not deadly, still incredibly hard to kick but it is something that can be done.

I echo what others have said re: alcohol cessation being deadly if not done properly under the guidance of a healthcare professional. Yes, it can be deadly if one is physically dependent. Tinydancer, I am not sure if you are or not at this point in time; I am not in a position to assess that. I trust that if you are going to pursue that, you will be in touch with your therapist and your doctor and follow their directions.

Okay that being said...

Addiction absolutely has a genetic component. This has been well-studied and documented. Forget about will power, forget about personality traits and "weaknesses". Your brain's structure and workings, by a combination of genetic and environmental influence, causes you to experience alcohol differently than others, like myself, who are not wired that way. I have no addiction on either side of my family and yes, I enjoy having some drinks on occasion. I wish everyone could do so responsibly but the truth is, alcohol is a massive trigger for you. And when you have that, you can't use it responsibly. That is not a slight against you, or to say that you are "weak"...people who develop addictions cannot have that substance(s) in moderation.

Quite a bit different but I want to share in the interest of sharing my perspective: I have my own triggers, namely sugary things and pasta. Oh don't get me started on pasta. I CAN'T have it. I just can't. It makes me carb crave and go down into a bad cycle and then in a few days, my pants don't fit right. I've dealt with weight issues for much of my adult life and while I'm finally under a lot of control, that's only because I had to cut out some things that I just cannot have in moderation. I have healthy substitutes that I do like (and yes, I do like them, but more for another post) but I've accepted that I just can't handle pasta due to my wiring because it makes me crave too much and I go off the wagon. And I'll tell you, it took me a long, long, long time to get there (YEARS) and heck, maybe I'll have a "relapse" in the future but I know what I have to do to keep myself healthy.

Alcoholics in recovery, who are successful and stay sober, don't ever drink. Drinking socially/in moderation is not possible. Does it suck? Yes. Is it fair? Absolutely not. But like with other addictions, the addict needs to stay away and be committed to that. I read your post and it almost seems to me like you're in the "bargaining" phase a bit. "Well, maybe I can quit for a bit and then I can enjoy it when I go out with friends once in a while..." and you have alcohol in your apartment. You may not be ready to give up drinking but I think you're making progress toward being ready to in the future. 

I urge you to keep exploring this in therapy, keep reading, and sure, attend some AA meetings, even if you just listen and don't say anything. Even if you are not ready to commit just yet, keep thinking about this, keep yourself engaged, and don't shut it out. I don't know when it will click for you but I know that you won't stop until you are 100% ready to. I don't know when that is but please know that we are all here for you.

[Seraphim]

I have a genetic component too , there are alcoholics on both sides of my family. 

[CrazyWife]

I just wrote for advice on this topic too. I feel everything you have written. I wish I could control it but i'm not wired that way and i hate it. Please feel free to respond to my post, this comment and please feel free to pm me xxx

[greendots]

Tinydance, I honestly can't even imagine how difficult quitting must be, especially with all this stuff happening in your brain due to alcohol.

I've actually met alcoholics, even fully functioning ones with a job and a family. It was no fun seeing how they wrecked their lives on the daily and the harrowing experiences they put my friends through. All the deceit, lies and empty promises. For what - another hit of alcohol.

You've already admitted that you're an alcoholic. It takes courage to do that.

Please know that others like yourself have struggled with alcoholism but beat it. Search the net and you'll find testimonies of people who have conquered their addiction. You can beat it too.

Are you ready to make a permanent change? I'm worried about you and I honestly desire for you to have an alcohol free future where you're getting healthier every day.

You don't need to go through this on your own. That's what help is for.  Seek healthcare professionals (a doctor, psychiatrist), join support groups, etc. Then throw away all your bottles at home, say no if someone invites you to a pub, be ready to ditch any friends who don't support you, etc. Remove any temptation.

Visualize the future you want and tell yourself every day that you are strong and will make it. No matter how hard the road.

Don't focus on how long it will take you to quit. Just do whatever it takes to quit. If you relapse, you try again. And again and again until you get there.

 

[lostandhurt]

Tinydance

As you may remember I grew up with alcoholic parents.  One admitted they had a problem and openly said they were an alcoholic and the other thought everyone else had the problem and she had it under control.

Those last 4 words are the downfall of almost all alcoholics whether they are trying to stay clean or they are a functioning alcoholic.  Once they think they have it under control they are doomed.

 It sounds like you have been able to stop drinking for periods of time which means you can stop.  Your problem is that you say you are an alcoholic but you fail to realize that alcoholics cannot drink even one ounce of the stuff because they do not have it under control, the alcohol is in control.  Simply put you are in one of the highest risk factor group.  You could be clean for 6 years and have just one drink and be back where you are now in mere days.  I have seen it and lived it.

  Until you accept that you can never drink ever again the rest of your life this cycle will continue.

Most programs require you quit all at once because they simply know most alcoholics don't have an off switch so there is no weaning them off booze.  It can be dangerous so going it alone is risky.  My father died trying to stop drinking.  Strange how the thing that is slowly killing you and your life ends up taking your life because you stop.

Do you accept that you cannot drink at all ever again?  You cannot just cut back to one glass in the evening, it has to be no more alcohol ever again.  I know it isn't easy trust me but until you can admit that the alcohol is in control and you cannot drink ever again you will continue like you are until something really serious happens to you.  It is the complex and that simple.  The programs actually remind you that you do not have the addiction under control and you cannot just have one drink.

PM me if you want to talk, I will help if I can

  Lost