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Zero intimacy


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In need of some opinions. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs now. He has 2 children ages 15 and 12. He has taken on full custody of his kids 16 months ago with no visitation with their mother as she is abusive and fighting him in court so that means the kids are at his house 24/7. This has caused havoc on our sex life. I can count on one hand how many times we’ve been intimate in the past year. I have told him how I feel about this a few times and he always says the same thing “it’s hard to have sex when they are in the next bedroom and the time I get to spend with you means more to me than sex”. I tell him that people do not quit having sex just because there are kids in the house and after 16 months I would have thought he would have this figured out. The next court date is next month where we are hoping a final decision is made on the kids but I keep pushing my feeling to the side because I know how much he has going on. How long do I wait? Am I wrong to try and talk to him again about this before court? I don’t know if I can wait til after and it’s tearing me apart. Thoughts?

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I am not a sex therapist and dont know much on that but from what I am reading

17 minutes ago, Frustrating said:

he time I get to spend with you means more to me than sex

he may be giving you intimacy but in a different way or craving a different kind of intimacy. I'm sure you know about the different love languages if not google it and take the test and request your partner to do the same. 

I have been on the other end where I'm the one who doesn't want to have sex and my partner does and it caused problems. I cant speak for your partner but for me I need to have an emotional and intellectual intimacy with someone even someone i have been with for a long time before i can be physically intimate. So if we haven't been have deep conversations or when he has been neglecting the relationship because he has been immersed in work and stress for over a week. He will still want to have sex with me but I cant do it. I need to have that emotional and intellectual intimacy. Your partner may be the same in some sense he may be so overwhelmed just like you with everything going on so he may need more of a different type of intimacy to balance himself out. 



  • Experiential Intimacy: When people bond during leisure activities. People may “sync up” their actions in teamwork or find themselves acting in unison.
    • Example: A father and son work together to build a model train, developing a rhythm to their teamwork.
  • Emotional Intimacy: When people feel safe sharing their feelings with each other, even uncomfortable ones.
    • Example: A woman confides in her sister about her body image issues. She trusts her sibling to offer comfort rather than using her insecurities against her.
  • Intellectual Intimacy: When people feel comfortable sharing ideas and opinions, even when they disagree.
    • Example: Two friends debate the meaning of life. They enjoy hearing each other’s opinions and don’t feel the need to “win” the argument.
  • Sexual Intimacy: When people engage in sensual or sexual activities. When people use the word “intimacy,” they are often referring to this type.
    • Example: Two lovers engage in foreplay, knowing how each other prefers to be touched.

these are some of the different types. I know you already know this but it sounds like so much is going on if it persist to be a problem seek some professional help so not only can you guys bet back to where yall were but also whatever is tieing him up, he cant get out of the restraints he may feel overwhelmed with.

I hope this helps.

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When the virus wasn't an issue, did the grandparents ever take the kids overnight or other relatives? 

When everyone is vaccinated, hopefully by summer, if there are no relatives to watch the kids for a monthly date night for you two, there's also the possibility of changing babysitting hours with another couple in the same situation.

The kids are old enough that they don't need constant supervision in the house. It's totally fine to tell them, "It's our date night where we need our alone time, so please don't disturb us unless it's an emergency." Then make a show of making a snack and bringing it in the bedroom and putting on music in there. It's actually good for kids to know the adults in their life are getting along and happy. Or just tell them you're going to bed early. Would they really knock on the door or anything like that?

Even when someone's under stress, it's been a lengthy period and you shouldn't shove your feelings under the rug. You've tried to communicate your unhappiness and frankly, he doesn't seem to care. This isn't a problem that can't be solved. Perhaps he's too cowardly to tell you he doesn't feel the same way he used to about you, and thinks it's easier to live as roommates.

Let him know the seriousness of the matter. I'd sit down with him and tell him you're not going to live a life of having sex 2 or 3 times a year, and then listen. Ask him to go to a couples counselor. If he won't go and nothing is resolved, why should you sacrifice your one life for someone who doesn't even care that you're unhappy?


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Unfortunately he's too wrapped up in this combat with his ex and using his kids in this tug of war.

You're wrapped up in it too much as well.

The problem isn't his ex, his kids, the courts,etc.

The problem is him. He has lost attraction. He's too wrapped up dragging this out with his ex.

Does he drink heavily, use drugs, engage in excessive porn?

Does he have depression or mental health problems?

How was your relationship before?

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7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

None of us can read tea leaves 

😂. No tealeaves needed. There's nothing cryptic about it.

It's best to end it now. You already know there's no intimacy. You already know he's too wrapped up battling his kids mother. You already know his kids are with him full time and you don't like that. But that's what he wants.

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Instead of folding your arms tapping your foot, have a gentle supportive discussion or discussions about everything that is going on. Through that discussion voice your concerns but also address his. Talk it out and come up with a compromise. Try leaving the kids at a relatives and go to a nice B&B like a cabin somewhere, so that it's just you two or take a day off and have nice time when the kids are at school. There are ways to dealing with stress, etc. Just being on the same page will help a lot.

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I agree with being supportive but not keen on his response that spending time with you in general is better than having sex. He may or may not have libido issues due to stress.

The least he can do is admit to it and be more open with you or acknowledge your concerns. Brushing it away doesn't do anything to help you both feel on the same page either and that's what he's doing. I'd make a mental note of it and see whether he has a pattern of brushing aside your concerns or minimizing issues in your relationship. You can mention this in a way that doesn't have him cornered but resist the urge to insult his ability to perform in the bedroom and don't compare either of you to other couples... people can get touchy about this. 

Ultimately you do not need to be with someone who doesn't value your thoughts or opinions or the way you feel about things. It just means that you are not on the same page. 

Come back and let us know how things go. I wouldn't bring this up before the court date. You've been with him for 4 years. What's 1 month? What you can do is start stepping back from this, take care of yourself and don't stew on it. Make some notes to yourself and manage your own stress or frustration levels. Bring this up with him again in a month or so or see how he reacts to stress in general and to the relationship. 



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20 hours ago, catfeeder said:

It must be hard for a parent of adolescents to force them to contend with their Dad's sexuality at the same time that they are growing into their own--and during a time of extreme instability.

None of us can read tea leaves to know how long this situation will take to change.


I agree with this -he might be hesitant to have his kids knowing he is having sex with someone who is not their mother or his wife.  That should be discussed.  His kids come first.  Certainly he should get a sitter and go to your place perhaps or have an overnight with friends/ trusted relatives where you two get the house to yourself.  But his kids and their stability come first and this I agree is an unstable time.

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