He is separated. His ex wants him back.

[Dealbreaker]

My heart has been broken and heavily stepped on and I need some advice. Here is goes.

I started talking to this guy on a dating site at the end of October. We had two dates in December before the holidays, and then things got very busy, as usually they do around that time and we weren’t able to see each other before or during that time. He wanted to take things slow, not have a title, and because we both felt we had a strong connection, at the time, I tried to break things off with him because I felt we were in a relationship, but his foot was in and out, and I wanted the commitment. I didn’t want to keep it casual even though he said he wasn’t going anywhere, really liked me, wanted to get to know me, bla bla bla. In hindsight, I would have slowed things down, but I felt he could be playing me so I put some pressure on him. 
Well, when I first started talking to him, he had said he had been divorced from his ex a year prior. However, he later told me he had proceeded with the divorce papers in May 2020. I also didn’t know he had kids until a month later we were talking. And then he said that him and her had to work together in his house on Wednesdays - her in the basement and him upstairs - with the children, because it would be another $500 for childcare which he didn’t have for another day in daycare. He was very apologetic, I understood and moved on from that. 
I then, without putting too much thought into it, asked if it was possible for me to meet his friends and family by his 40th birthday in May. He went kind of ballistic after some back and forth, and broke things off with me. That was the end of December and throughout the month of January... we decided to be friends, we then decided to not talk too much but still get to know one another, I canceled plans on him twice because I thought he was playing games with me at times by ignoring my messages, and had some arguments because he said he couldn’t handle a relationship right now, but still liked me, that the timing wasn’t right for us, etc.

I finally saw him the weekend prior and he looked like ***. The guy I had met previously was nowhere in sight. He also mentioned his ex a lot, which made me wonder. However, we had decided to meet every 2 weekends to catch up and still get to know each other while not dating while he figured things out for himself. By the way, he kept growing increasingly angry and drinking a lot more often in the past month also. 

Because I didn’t hear from him much last week, and I was getting a little anxious and wondering what the plans to meet were for this week, I contacted him on Saturday night and asked him if we were still going to meet this Saturday. He said that his ex was having serious doubts about the decision of the divorce and wanted to go out this Friday and talk, and that he needed to hear her out, and that us meeting right now is unlikely because right now he needed to figure this out. He didn’t want to talk on the phone and quickly dismissed me saying that he didn’t want to hear me telling him he shouldn’t do this. 

Moreover, I felt very betrayed since a couple of weeks ago he had told me that he wanted to be single, didn’t believe in relationships since everyone was unhappy, bla bla bla. Easy to see he was somewhat depressed. But also, when we were dating, he had told me that they where never going get back together because she hasn’t changed, is selfish, a ***, that he had zero feelings for her and he would tell me if there was, that he was very unhappy for 4 years and had grown to be a very angry person, bla bla bla. Also, she cheated on him 5 years ago with a WOMAN and he found out she was still talking to the same woman a year later, but stayed together until May of last year when she pulled the plug on the marriage - the divorce is currently pending. 
The two girls they have are very little. However, I thought it was curious when they kept doing things as a family - even though he said when they hung out it was mutual annoyance and not one big happy family like I questioned - and changed the plans to spend Christmas morning together opening the presents with the girls and her parents. I also understood he also was mad she ended the marriage because he was trying to keep the family together for the girls - but now he just wanted her to regret her decision and recognize he was a good husband. 

Finally, upon learning that he would meet up with her this Friday, I told him not to contact me again and that I wouldn’t contact him again, not knowing if they will get back together or not this Friday, or in the next few weeks. He never said goodbye or replied to my long messages on how much he hurt me and treated me badly. I feel betrayed. I feel that he bluntly lied to me about his feelings towards her still, got me involved in this mess, broke my heart, and dismissed me very easily as soon as she had “doubts”. I’ll bet she found out he was dating someone, since they have the same friends in common, and now wants him back because of it. Or it didn’t work out with the woman she was seeing and same thing.

But it wasn’t fair to me to put me in this situation and I am devastated because I really like him. We have a lot in common. And I feel that he always keeps the door somewhat open - like never wanting or having the courage to say goodbye for good. 
 

I guess my question is, still with this mess, is there a chance for us in the future? Was it really bad timing? Or did he just play me? 

[Seraphim]

He is married not available run don’t walk to the exit.

[willowsmith]

I am the last person to give advise but if anything please take my experience in to account.

A.) He is already hiding and lying to you from day one

B.) He is already showing you how aggressive he is and he has an anger problem

C.) How miss out of sorts you feel. Anxious, depressed, etc.

 

Please listen to his actions and not his words. He is showing you who he is, don't be like me and get in to an ify relationship pour your entire heart into someone only to get stomped on. He's not going to be different. He is not going to change. He obviously has a lot of childhood trauma that no amount of love or understanding you give him will fix. Be the strong beautiful woman you are and walk away.

[reinventmyself]

I can't go back and connect all the dots and clarify the timeline, but as about 6 months ago .  . .you find out his timeline is lie and he has kids he's hid from you.  .  he's got you hooked, but now pumping the breaks about 'getting to know' each other.. . He loses his sh*t about meeting his friends in 2021 and you now are asking if this is salvageable??

He's a mixed up husband and father who needs to be in family counseling.  Were you played?  No!  You suspected the score early on and hung in there hoping to cash in on damage control.  It wasn't bad timing either.  He just kept you on the hook for a soft place to fall and you agreed to play.

Feel bad for his wife and take a step back and be grateful you aren't married to him.

In the future if you ever meet a distraught married man with children, send him away from your doorstep and tell him to clean up his mess with his family.

[1a1a]

Co signing steer well clear of those who are either still disentangling themselves from an ex, or have split but are still deep in the throes of grief. Neither context leaves a person in a good position to be present as a partner for someone new. Drop this like the hot mess it is and let it go, is my two cents.

[boltnrun]

You can close the door anytime you want to. He isn't in charge of your life; you are.

[gamon]

This guy is a waste of your time, but you push way too quickly to establish a committed relationship.

 

[ChellyV]

Such chaos. Run and dont look back.

If you are meant to be, it will come. In the meantime, move along...

[Capricorn3]

This guy is such a good example of so many reasons why you should head for the hills.  Please re-read your own post, slowly.  Really absorb what you wrote.  What advice would you give your sister if she was in this situation?  If you don't see all the red flags then I am not sure what anyone can say.

[Hollyj]

Run!

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately he's a liar. He's a married family man who told you a pack of lies just to get free extramarital sex.( instead of just going to hookers)

Immediately delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Your headaches and heartaches will stop when you get rid of him.

Date free and clear single men and don't get involved if you see red flags 🚩.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

, without putting too much thought into it, asked if it was possible for me to meet his friends and family by his 40th birthday in May. He went kind of ballistic after some back and forth, and broke things off with me

You pushed way too much too fast.

5 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

That was the end of December and throughout the month of January... we decided to be friends, we then decided to not talk too much but still get to know one another, I canceled plans on him twice because I thought he was playing games with me at times by ignoring my messages, and had some arguments because he said he couldn’t handle a relationship right now, but still liked me, that the timing wasn’t right for us, etc.

He told you.

This guy rebounded onto you- and was NOT yet over his failed marriage.

You had MANY signs.

5 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

that he was very unhappy for 4 years and had grown to be a very angry person

- See, he's messed up, a lot  😞

He has a lot to work through.

5 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

He never said goodbye or replied to my long messages on how much he hurt me and treated me badly. 

Yes he did.  His mind is all over the place and all about HIMSELF.  He has NO room for you- was all about him.. 

And not matter what goes on with them... they are not done with their relationship- whether he agree's to go back or not. sadly it's all messed- they both are 😞 

And they have a long ways to go before they are over & recovered from the failure of their relationship/marriage.

 

Let this be a lesson for you... Avoid guys who are still messed up with their BU of a long term relationship.  They are NOT able to 'give' onto a relationship at all- for a longgg time!

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

I guess my question is, still with this mess, is there a chance for us in the future? Was it really bad timing? Or did he just play me? 

No, and I can't fathom why you'd want one. 

You knew something was off early on. As soon as you found out that he lied about the timeline of his divorce and that he concealed his own children, you should have run. 

This guy is still in love with his wife. 

[Dealbreaker]

All of you are amazing and I really appreciate your time, support and advice with my post. I think that being in the situation and having emotions about it, it clouds reason. As I mentioned, I tried to break things off 4 times before he said he was going to commit, and then a week later, broke up with me. And by then, I was liking him too much to let go of him.

It’s also hard when you are fed stuff it’s not true. When you are fed lies and the person says they are all about honesty and loyalty. I do kick myself for thinking I knew him when I didn’t. I thought he was truthful and clear about his intentions. He was using me and told me many times I wasn’t a rebound. How little did I know. 
 

I’m not naive. I know I pushed him. Although I did push him so I could get a more clear picture of things. To make sure he was more in then out. But it blew on my face because I fell for him in spite of it all and now I am left with a broken heart and have to pick up the pieces. 
 

Thank you again guys. 

[DancingFool]

OP, please please look back carefully. He told you that honesty is important and lied about big important things pretty much right off the bat. Going forward, pay attention to what a person does instead of what they claim. In fact, no genuine honest person will wax poetic about how honesty, loyalty, or decency are important to them. They just are that way, they don't talk about it because it's their norm. It's liars, cheaters, and manipulators who talk about that stuff precisely to fool you into complacency. He said he isn't a liar, so must be true. Wrong. So beware because that kind of talk is a huge red flag.

Also, the first time you dump someone....stick with your decision because it is the right one. If you are prone to falling into the trap of sweet talk and promises, then dump and block all contact and protect yourself from that bs. As you can see, when you don't enforce your boundaries and don't listen to your better sense, you end up in a painful mess. You didn't get attached by magic, you allowed it and pursued it in some respects. I'm not saying this to be mean, but to point out that you are in control and capable of making better choices for yourself going forward. Learn, don't get stuck......and block this liar.....

[maritalbliss86]

18 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

He never said goodbye or replied to my long messages on how much he hurt me and treated me badly. I feel betrayed. I feel that he bluntly lied to me about his feelings towards her still, got me involved in this mess, broke my heart, and dismissed me very easily as soon as she had “doubts”. I’ll bet she found out he was dating someone, since they have the same friends in common, and now wants him back because of it. Or it didn’t work out with the woman she was seeing and same thing.

But it wasn’t fair to me to put me in this situation and I am devastated because I really like him. We have a lot in common. And I feel that he always keeps the door somewhat open - like never wanting or having the courage to say goodbye for good.

I think this happens more than people want to admit.  And no, you did not deserve to be treated like that. 

Walk away sooner next time ❤️ 

 

18 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

I guess my question is, still with this mess, is there a chance for us in the future? Was it really bad timing? Or did he just play me? 

Even if there could be a chance with him, I don't think he values you in the way you deserve and would need for a good partner.  

[maritalbliss86]

1 hour ago, Dealbreaker said:

It’s also hard when you are fed stuff it’s not true.

Yes, but then once you figure out he's a liar, you drop him and move on.

Every minute you spend on a man like this, you could be spending with someone who is right for you, or be available for it to happen.

[reinventmyself]

12 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

 

He told you.

This guy rebounded onto you- and was NOT yet over his failed marriage.

 

 

And not matter what goes on with them... they are not done with their relationship- whether he agree's to go back or not. sadly it's all messed- they both are 😞 

And they have a long ways to go before they are over & recovered from the failure of their relationship/marriage.

 

 

Seeing he has a problem with the truth I wouldn't be at all surprised if he had never filed for divorce. 

The whole. . working from the same home together for the sake of daycare . . is plausible, but seeing he hasn't been honest about much of anything, I would have no reason to believe he was ever separated to begin with.

Miserable, maybe.  But most definitely unavailable and not datable.

I am not dismissing your pain, but he really didn't betray you, as you say.  You caught him lying early on and chose to stay.  He's a liar, for sure.  But you betrayed yourself by ignoring that.

[boltnrun]

2 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

I tried to break things off 4 times before he said he was going to commit, and then a week later, broke up with me. And by then, I was liking him too much to let go of him.

You "tried" to break things off?  See, you have absolute control over what you do.  If you chose to stick around and get attached to him emotionally, please know that it was a choice and not something that just happened to you.

Unfortunately some lessons are harsh.  But they're important nonetheless.  Next time you find out a man is lying, choose to walk away for your own good, before you become "attached".

Just think of it as, you are free from a man who lied to you.  Now you can think about what's important to you in a relationship and resolve to only date men who show you they're honest and on the same page as you.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Dealbreaker said:

As I mentioned, I tried to break things off 4 times before

And this is lunacy. 

Your gut was screaming at you to get away from this guy. You need to listen to it next time. 

[HeartGoesOn]

Looks like he enjoyed the ride up until you started asking questions.  That apparently would be too difficult to keep up with this charade of having his cake and eating it too.

Maybe it's time to raise the bar, and listen to that inner voice.

 

[Deedp]

RUN! No, you should not try to persue a relationship with this man. Yes, you should close the door, lock it and don't ever look at it again. He lied and didn't care enough about you to be honest. His loss, his bad, let him go and move one to a man who won't lie to you and waste your time. GL

[Dealbreaker]

Thank you for your input.

I know I’m not a victim. I know a played a part with me getting hurt. Deep down I thought we were a good match because of the stuff we had in common and the way we thought of things. I am a very empathetic person and I try not to judge people with their choices, therefore I became understanding with his faults very quickly even though I saw the red flags. Now I know that was a mistake. 

I would have never dated a guy who was separated. When he told me that it was the case, I was already liking him a lot. And because he was so adamant that him and his ex were in different pages the whole time, just waiting for paperwork which meant “nothing”, I believed him. I had asked him ‘what if she changes her mind’ and he reassured me again. 

He seemed to be working on himself and I just didn’t want to lose him completely, so I kept giving him chances and was blindsided. Also, he told me it was just bad timing. But unfortunately, this is the kind of person I have been in the last 20 years. I give people chances and lots of them. 
 

I realize now. Time to change. Time to listen to my intuition the first time around - because apparently I can trust it - and time to pay attention to actions and not words. Finally, time to put my heart in the hands of someone who values me. 

You guys have saved me. I was looking at things very differently since I was so involved in it. However, I am still really hurt and working on my heart’s recovery. 
 

Thank you. 

[tattoobunnie]

Just because an alligator tries to eat you 4x, doesn't mean, you let them try again.  Block him. Pack up all the tokens that reminds you of him, and throw them out or burn them.  You're hooked onto this drug, which you think is love, but it's really just anxiety. It's a tool bag just using you as a landing pad.  And don't make it about yourself - this is all him. 

Go treat yourself - I mean, exercise, get some new clothes, plan a cool outing or trip or pick up a new hobby you've been dying to try.  Retrain your brain.  If you think about calling him, call or text a friend or fun family remember you haven't spoken to in a while.  If you feel the need to see him, go do something fun, or grab a cup of coffee at a shop.

You will be okay. Just take a deep breath, and remember that.

[catfeeder]

The most helpful step I ever took was to get clear with myself about what I want. First. Up front. Before dealing with anyone else.

I decided that I am relationship material, and what I want out of dating is to find a good match for a committed relationship. Nothing less--OR nothing at all. I'm good with that.

From there, I had the clarity and the bravery to always put that out on the table. First. Up front. To screen out anyone who couldn't agree that he was seeking the exact same things that I want.

No 'confUsion'. No 'casual'. No 'friendship-then-see what happens...' No 'I don't know'...

Once you are clear that you are relationship material, you won't set yourself up for the misery of messing with anyone who is not 'in this' seeking the exact same goal. 

You won't waste your time, you won't play a shell game with yourself, and you certainly won't tolerate dishonesty or set yourself up as a rebound with anyone who has never stabilized solo.

You will prioritize self honesty above all else, you'll invest in getting to know someone well enough to know where you stand--and where you want to stand--before setting yourself up to bond through sex, and you will screen carefully and allow bad matches to pass early ... because it only takes one RIGHT match.

A good match is rare because it's supposed to be rare, otherwise, what makes love so special?

Head high, learn from this, and you will thank yourself later.