Jump to content

Recommended Posts

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and a half. He’s in his early forties and I’m in my early thirties. I’m his first long-term stable relationship. He has a history of substance abuse, but has been sober for over five years. He’s a successful professional, but lives at home. I also live with my family. Neither of us want to spend the crazy amount it costs to rent here and I’m not sure we’re ready to get married and buy a house together. We have been quarantined together for the better part of a year, spending most of our time at his parent’s house.

He got out of a BDSM relationship shortly before we met. Our sex life was never particularly crazy, but when we first started dating we had sex 3 or 4 nights a week. There was a little kink exploration, which I enjoyed. Fast forward, we have vanilla sex once every 7-10 days. Pretty much always the same position. No foreplay. He says that it isn't me, but he has trouble feeling desire. He says everything is routine and we’re always together. It turns him off when I flirt or tease about rougher sex and he hates when I initiate. To him, this takes away his dominance. He doesn’t want to have rough sex with me, because he likes me as a person and doesn’t have a desire to beat me or call me a ***. BDSM to him is about hurting someone who you don’t really like as a person, but cuddling afterwards. He says that I’m too much like a Disney Princess and he has trouble sexualizing that. I’m petite, busty, tan, and blonde. He usually goes for pale brunettes and redheads with tattoos and piercings. He even turns down blowjobs, as he isn’t in the mood. He usually describes me as cute, adorable, or a sweetheart. He says that he is struggling with intimacy and a Madonna *** Complex. He points out that he doesn’t even hug his mother. I've always had the higher drive. Age, injury, and stress have only exacerbated things. He's been generally tired and apathetic for months. He hates work and is generally unhappy.

He can’t say that he loves me and can’t commit to moving in together, but also doesn’t want to rush to break up. We do talk about a future together, but it’s freaking him out. He has some reservations about the relationship and says that he feels marriage and a home are coming quickly. He says he knows that he has issues and our current circumstance is unusual. He feels like he has lost himself and doesn’t have time to breathe. His solution is to spend more time apart as he thinks that might help create the separation he needs for desire. He says that he feels a lot of external pressure. We’ve been spending 4-5 nights a week together. He would like that to be more like 2-3. On those nights I’m not over, he hangs out with his mother and brother so I don’t really see him having more alone time to miss me.

When he first told his ex that he loved her, he said he felt angry. He didn’t mean the words and felt pressured into it. He says that he finds our conversations about our relationship more intimate than three words that everyone says, usually without meaning.

We’re amazing friends and he is a reliable partner. He always keeps his word and he’s been there whenever I’ve needed him. This is such a difficult time with Covid. We don’t have any of our usual outlets. He used to love to go to the gym and I used to love to volunteer. We could do our own thing and then meet up for dinner. We would go fun places. Now we’re both working from home and never truly alone.

I love him, but I’m kind of at the end of my rope. I’m tired of being rejected. If I ask for sex, I get it  sometimes. He tells me not to ask. If I don’t ask for sex, it’s very rare he initiates. Sometimes when I realize that I'm not getting any, I will ask. He'll say that I should have asked earlier because now he's tired or he needs to get to sleep for an early morning. I can't win. I don’t know how often he takes care of himself.  He knows that I don’t love the idea of him masturbating, if we’re not also having a good amount of sex. It’s his body and I’m not there to tell him what to do, but I do hope that he isn’t so busy with his fantasies that he has nothing left for me. I've asked if we can plan sex twice a week, which seems reasonable to me. He says he isn't feeling it and needs more time apart. Am I just supposed to wait around for weeks without sex? Turn him down when he offers? I hate games. I’m so frustrated.

I’ll spend fewer nights with him, but I really don’t see how him watching movies with his mom is going to help us have a more intimate adult relationship. I would really appreciate any suggestions. I know that I'm not unattractive, but this is eating at me and making me feel terrible about myself. It consumes my thoughts.

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
10 minutes ago, mcnugget said:

I really don’t see how him watching movies with his mom is going to help us have a more intimate adult relationship.

Unfortunately quite a few red flags. Especially living with parents. The there's his kink, his ex, his trying to stay sober.

He is very high risk. He can't even say he loves you or wants a future. He will however you many many headaches and heartaches if you stay.

Basically you are wasting your time on him if you want marriage, family etc one day. Step way back from this. Stop hanging out with him and his mommy.

Stay in your own home so you can reflect in peace. Reconsider exactly how unhappy you wish to stay. Then consider cutting your losses.

Edited by Wiseman2
Link to post
Share on other sites
43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately quite a few red flags. Especially living with parents. The there's his kink, his ex, his trying to stay sober.

He is very high risk. He can't even say he loves you or wants a future. He will however you many many headaches and heartaches if you stay.

Basically you are wasting your time on him if you want marriage, family etc one day. Step way back from this. Stop hanging out with him and his mommy.

Stay in your own home so you can reflect in peace. Reconsider exactly how unhappy you wish to stay. Then consider cutting your losses.

 I know that there are a lot of red flags here, I see them. Unfortunately, I love him.

I would like to work on things, if it's possible. I have never been able to speak to anyone so openly or trust anyone so much. Even with our issues and my past (I've been cheated on), I trust him. Cheating is not his character. He seems really torn up and conflicted about his own issues. He tends to get very stuck inside his head. He's told me that he hasn't even been able to masturbate for weeks after past breakups. He can't enjoy sex if he's stressed. On the other hand, I  need sex to relieve stress.

We're going away for Valentine's Day weekend, because I told him that I wanted quality alone time.

I don't want to lose my best friend right now. With the current pandemic, a breakup would be even more difficult. There is no opportunity to date or go out to keep my mind off of things. He's really the only person that I see on a regular basis. On weekends we hike, boat, and camp. We take long walks, cook, go in the hot tub, and marathon TV. I don't get along with my family very well so I'm rather isolated when I'm not with him. All of my close friends are married and locked down with their husbands.

Link to post
Share on other sites

But I love him is not a good enough reason to stay with someone.  These issues have nothing at all to do with covid.  You can be his best friend once you're both settled with other people or over each other enough so you can chat like besties do about who you're dating.  Please don't use the friends excuse either -when I was single for many years I had single friends and married friends -women and men -I put in effort to make, maintain and develop friendships -through work, volunteer work, religious organizations.  My mom is 86 and now sees her friends virtually and for socially distanced walks. She is a widow.  It's ok to be on your own - doesn't mean you use someone to have company and things to do.  You can go on hikes , you can cook, you can watch TV on your own too.  He sounds like a very bad choice for a partner.  

Link to post
Share on other sites

Based on what you wrote he could be stunted mentally and in maturity level.  Long term substance abuse does damage the brain and prohibits development. He lives at home in his forties, his sexual preferences not progressing to the emotional, loving aspects, to the point of dysfunction and lack of desire. He also sounds depressed. 

You don't mention therapy or any professional type of help.  Covid hasn't helped but it sounds to me like you might be in a little bit of denial. He has some serious issues.

He's making excuses to not have sex and in a way blaming you. Like you asked too late. He's telling you flat out he's feeling a lot pressure.  Is it pressure to act and live as an adult? And he is not ready to leave his family?  Go back to what I was saying about being immature because of the substance abuse. 

You may be expecting too much from this guy. He may never catch up to you and you're 10 years younger. 40s is late in life to have never had a significant romantic relationship.

I think it would be a huge mistake to marry this guy or sign a lease or buy property together.  You're seeing what this guy has to offer. It's going to be up hill climb... especially as you get older.  You both live at home so it's pretty easy...Maintaining & living a life with a house,  cars, kids, responsibilities, you need an equal, not a project. 

I'd dump this guy.

Link to post
Share on other sites

A lot of wisdom in this thread, thank you.

This weekend, he has gotten us a cabin out of town for Valentine's Day. It was important to me to have some quality romantic time and he listened. I would like to see how productive that time is before I make any big decisions.

He is an introvert with quite a lot of issues, but he does seem to want to try to make things work. We enjoy our time together and have a lot in common as far as interests and viewpoints.

It's unfortunate that he's so stunted. He says that he has the emotional range of a turnip. It's sad, his brother is nearly forty and also lives at home. Doesn't work, date, or anything. Both boys are smart and handsome, but their parents have really crippled them from meaningful relationships. Mom buys them both gifts all of the time and travels with the brother.

There is no reason for a wife and responsibility if you have mom to hangout with and to cleanup after you. Free rent and food. Laundry done for you. Maid to clean your room and bathroom. It's hard to compete with that.

  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's not going to "change". What you see is what you get.

And don't go down the rabbit hole of "if he loved me he'd 'change' for me!" Because he could say the same about you.

Imagine 30 or 40 years in a relationship with this man as he is right now. How does that make you feel?

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, mcnugget said:

A lot of wisdom in this thread, thank you.

This weekend, he has gotten us a cabin out of town for Valentine's Day. It was important to me to have some quality romantic time and he listened. I would like to see how productive that time is before I make any big decisions.

He is an introvert with quite a lot of issues, but he does seem to want to try to make things work. We enjoy our time together and have a lot in common as far as interests and viewpoints.

It's unfortunate that he's so stunted. He says that he has the emotional range of a turnip. It's sad, his brother is nearly forty and also lives at home. Doesn't work, date, or anything. Both boys are smart and handsome, but their parents have really crippled them from meaningful relationships. Mom buys them both gifts all of the time and travels with the brother.

There is no reason for a wife and responsibility if you have mom to hangout with and to cleanup after you. Free rent and food. Laundry done for you. Maid to clean your room and bathroom. It's hard to compete with that.

Please do not tell yourself that what you have planned is "quality romantic time" -just a trendy phrase this "quality time" -people in a romantic relationship of course love romantic weekends away but it's not the answer.  On a daily basis you two should show  you care, show affection, show love.  You two are gonna take yourselves to this cabin.  And then have the pressure of "oh we have to now focus on each other, be romantic!!"  The cabin and surroundings does nothing as far as your goal.  Today I was having a covid-related hard time.  My husband and I bickered over something really silly about kitchen time/personal space.  He asked me later if he could give me a hug when I said I am desperate for personal space - ironic I know - to offer a hug.  But it made crazy sense.  And yes it was romantic and caring in the kitchen of our too small apartment (too small for this covid situation).  I even had a view of my bag of ketchup from our local fast food place. 

That's what I mean -you don't need a romantic getaway or "quality time" to fill in the gaps you've described.  And in fact  I think your expectations of this so-called quality time will sabotage it.  I mean of course have fun! But I hope you don't have the expectations you've expressed. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, OP, it's not this not the type of work that your guy needs to do.

He needs a professional to work out why he has the emotional range if a turnip, help him change that.

Simply excusing your shortcoming away, as who you are is essentially just that. An excuse.

At 30 & 40 years old, it doesn't matter what your parents did to you or the trauma you've experienced. It's on you to fix yourself. 

But you might be desperate enough to keep this going, so he doesn't need to fix anything. he has his mum and you, other mum. 

You're in a tough spot.  I think in the long run, you'll be sorry you put up with this as long as you did. 

Edited by Lambert
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...