I (23F) feel like I am begging for crumbs and attention from my BF (23M), who cannot fulfill my emotional needs. Is this relationship worth saving?

[Neverlearn000]

PAST:

BF (23M) and I (23F) have been dating for 2,5 years now. We used to be classmates, then friend, then lovers. He broke up with me after one year of relationship and I accepted to get back together with him four months and a half after when he asked me. I was heartbroken during the break up. I was constantly thinking about him, everyday, regularly crying, for four months.

 

The reason he broke up with me is linked to a common issue: moving in together. I hate living alone, and want to build a family in the future: so in my mind it is only fair that we should move in together. He didn't agree, claims that he wants to live alone and do not like the idea of marriage (which is important to me).

CURRENT SITUATION

When we got back together, I thought that he had taken the time to process my needs- but his opinion have not changed, and are still an issue. I told him that I want to see him more regulary at least, but it happens no more than once a week. I invite him over to my place but he always refuses and only want me to come over to his flat. He doesn't even justify why he doesn't want to come over, because "open communication makes him vulnerable and weak" so he is opaque 90% of the time about what he does and his motives. He doesn't text me or call me often, go out more often with his friends than with me, treat me with awkward indifference when I call him for comfort after the loss of my father and uncle, or whenever I am scared or sad. I do not feel emotionally fulfilled at all. He believes that buying me things or helping me fix a sink is enough to prove that he's loving. I repeateadly told him it wasn't enough.

 

On the positive side we are very good friend, and he is great with physical intimacy. I trust him to be faithful, and he cares about my physical wellbeing. He is extremely kind - but apart from the physical intimacy, my relationship isn't that different than the one he has with his closest friends. I am in love with him. But I suffer everyday, because he is the one to dictate how much we should see each other despite my attempt to find a common ground, refuses to commit for a future with me (he feels like being in a monogamous relationship is commitment enough, I want to build my life with someone), and fail to support me in the worst emotional times in my life. I feel like a beggar waiting for some crumbs of love when he feels like it.

 

I feel like it isn't enough anymore. I tried to explain it, its necessity, so many times, before and after the breakup and even now. I am losing hope that this relationship will ever fulfill me. But I am here, asking your opinion, because I would like to have a more objective, neutral analysis of the situation. Are all relationships so hard ? Are we just not meant to be ? Is it normal to suffer on a daily basis when he is perfectly content with the situation ? I cannot ask my family and friends as they do not like my boyfriend, as I know they will be extremely biased (they want me to leave him).

To sum up, My boyfriend, whom I love greatly, does not fulfill my emotional need, doesn't want to be more involved in my life, doesn't want to commit in the future. After numerous failed attempt at convincing him, I just settled with the situation but am suffering daily. Is this relationship worth saving ?

 

Feel free to ask for more clarification, and thank you very much for reading that far.

[melancholy123]

I'd have moved on down the road by now.  Why are you wasting your time?

[DancingFool]

You've got to stop trying to pound a square peg into a round hole. It never works.

It's never ever worth investing or wasting your life, time, and emotions on someone who is telling you up front, to your face that their life goals, lifestyle, beliefs, values, and desires do NOT match up with yours. You and him are not compatible and no amount of crying and hoping is going to change this fact.

There are millions of guys out there who share your values, your goals, who want a family, commitment, etc. Why are you wasting your time on the one guy who is none of those things? Let it go and move on. Stop wasting your time on him. Time is the one thing in life that you can never get back, so be smarter about that. While you are wasting your time on this, you are letting the right kind of guys pass you by and if you do this long enough, you'll end up alone and a broken mess without ever achieving the life that you want.

Sometimes to get what you want, you have to let go of the things that are stopping you from getting there. 

TDLR: dump him today and never look back.

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Neverlearn000 said:

I hate living alone, and want to build a family in the future: so in my mind it is only fair that we should move in together. He didn't agree, claims that he wants to live alone and do not like the idea of marriage 

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you are incompatible and do not share common goals or timelines in life.  At 23 he does not want to be tied down so young to marriage, family, etc. 

You need to end it and stop trying to force things. If you dislike living alone, you can get a roommate. You can also start dating men who share your goals and what you wish in the future about marriage and family.

However do not beg to move in, marry,etc. or chase men for that.

 

[boltnrun]

Your mistake was assuming that when he suggested getting back together it meant he changed his mind and now wants everything you want.  That should have been a discussion, not an assumption.

You now know for a fact he does not want the things you want.  So either you stay with him miserable for as long as you manage to stay together, or you cut your losses and realize he just isn't the right fit for you.

[Jennifer]

I think you don't need to beg. Love doesn't comes with this word. You have to ask him directly that he really wants you in his life or not? Then according to his answer you can take decision for your life. But don't suffer daily and if you are suffering then it's time to stop and think about loving yourself.

[Batya33]

Agree with all the others - and you had me speechless that you thought he took that time to "process my needs" -really, what does that even mean - please don't twist yourself into a pretzel and act like a wanna be therapist to avoid the simple facts -he doesn't want to marry you and that is why he doesn't want to share living space with you -because he knows to you it means a sign of more of a commitment and to him if he did share space with you it wouldn't have anything to do with an emotional commitment.  He can fulfil your emotional needs.  And your dark chocolate needs, your tissue boxes needs when you have the sniffles.  He can.  He chooses not to.

I think you stay and "suffer" because it's easier and safer -you get to play the victim and tell yourself "but i LOVE him" and you don't "process your own needs" because what you need is to avoid being alone, and to tell yourself that pining away and being a doormat makes sense.  It does if you want to take the easy way out.  If you're with someone who wants what you want and who is available to you -- there's a risk that once the initial infatuation dies down you might be bored and might not be motivated to do the work to keep the spark alive.  Here you don't have to do any work because it's constant drama -you never know where he is, whether he wants you, whether he cares so you get to stay infatuated with a "what could be in the future"

Think about what you really want - because you say you want a stable marriage or relationship leading to marriage yet you're with someone who doesn't want that at all with you.

I know how hard it can be.  I took the long way around to becoming the right person to find the right person.  And it's not all roses and valentines day especially during a pandemic.  But we're committed to each other, have been for many years even before marriage, and been on the same page about our relationship for many years.  So when we're not on the same page about other stuff from time to time we have this core commitment to fall back on.  No processing of needs to do - we live as much as possible in the present -loving is giving, not just a feeling.

Good luck!

[Lambert]

Lots of good advice here. But you basically answer your own question.

Why would you waste your time with a guy that doesn't want the same things as you? 

that's like going on vacation to the beach but you wanted to go to the mountains. And now you're unhappy you got sand in your shoes. 

Why do you feel like you have to make it work with this guy? Is it the challenge? 

Like if you can get him to change or he chooses to change, that proves love? 

That's actually not how love works.  That's your ego.  People in your life should freely and wantedly meet your needs. 

This relationship is a mistake. you are sacrificing your own wants and needs for this person. Who is only doing what's best for them. 

It's on you to leave, when you're not getting what you want. Not to try to change another person. 

[smackie9]

I agree that you sacrifice your own wants and needs for this guy.

You can live without him. You have to take a good look at yourself....you don't NEED a man to give you a life. The reason this is so hard is your dependency...and that is unhealthy and making your situation bad. You can have a great rewarding life right now by being independent, doing fulfilling things like career, social circle/friends, hobbies/interests of your own. I suspect you don't have much going on with yourself so you relying on him for your self worth. You invested wrong.

TIP: What a attracts a good man is a woman that is independent, self sufficient, self assured, comfortable to being on her own, very positive about herself.

YOU can do this....kick him to the curb. Me, wouldn't have put up with this for 2.5 years. I was in your shoes, I kicked the guy to the curb after 3 weeks. I had better things to do with my time that try to chase him down for more time with me.

[Jibralta]

On 2/8/2021 at 3:19 PM, Neverlearn000 said:

But I am here, asking your opinion, because I would like to have a more objective, neutral analysis of the situation. Are all relationships so hard ?

No, not all relationships are this hard.

You are having this problem because you are settling for less than what you want in a relationship. Your goal is to build a family. His goal is to avoid marriage.

Are you going to change what you want? Why do you expect him to change what he wants?

Him being with you doesn't imply that he wants to get married. Similarly, you being with him doesn't imply that you no longer want to build a family.

You both have completely different relationship goals, and you are both actually settling for less.

If you want to be happy in a relationship, you have two choices:

1. Change your mind about what you want and stay with this guy, or
2. Find a guy who wants the same thing out of a relationship that you do.

[reinventmyself]

Classic mistake couples make when reconciling.   I think sometimes we are blinded by the eagerness to make the pain go away we jump into each others arms.

You likely made an assumption that he returned, knowing your terms and what was important to you.  He did the same, assuming you took him back on his terms

The problem with is you are still both on different terms just like you were before. 

It's a valuable lesson about not reconciling without having those really challenging conversations first and being open to hear things that might very well disappoint you.   It's never fun, but saves you a lot of heartache and time.