Jump to content
'

Married 4 months ago and just found out my husband is infertile


Recommended Posts

I love my husband, we were dating for 2 years before we got married. We had always practiced safe sex but when we got married we went for a fertility check and found out my husband has azoospermia (zero sperm count). He is such a wonderful man and I love him but I’m also 38 and always dreamt of my biological child with him. I know there are a lot of options but here are my concern:

1- I don’t want another mans sperm as I want my husband to be a part of it.

2- I’m not sure if I will love any adopted child like my own thou I’m generally a kind person.

3- fertility treatments are out of our budget.

I’m very heart broken abs I’m sure so is he so I don’t want him to find out.

pls advice me on how to keep my relationship intact and not loose such a good man.

is it ok to be child free even if you always wanted to be a mom? Will I eventually get over it or will it haunt me forever. I see all these babies and I’m so envious. I guess god handed me this set of cards. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
33 minutes ago, Nonamemrs said:

we went for a fertility check and found out my husband has azoospermia 

1- I don’t want another mans sperm as I want my husband to be a part of it.

pls advice me on how to keep my relationship intact and not loose such a good man.

Sorry to hear this. Since you are closed minded about options, you'll have to consider marriage and other counselling to deal with this.

You mention nothing about how he feels. What are his views, suggestions on this?

Edited by Wiseman2
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don’t give up hope. Definitely seek out a second opinion. My husband had a semen analysis when we had failed to get pregnant after a year of trying. He had low count and low motility. But that’s just a snapshot, one sample at one point in time. We changed his diet, put him on some vitamins, and I did a few things to try an help as well. We had one failed IUI, and continued on trying naturally. It ended up taking us 3 years, but we finally conceived on our own and now our baby girl is almost a year and a half old.

There are many stories like this out there, so definitely make some changes and get another analysis done in 6 months. Whatever he does today (diet, vitamins, etc) will affect his sperm quality in 3 months.

If a second opinion confirms that he truly doesn’t make any sperm, you still have insemination options. There are less costly options as well. But you’ll likely need time to process the fact that you will never have a child that is biologically your husbands. That’s a hard pill to swallow, be kind with yourself. After some time, you might feel more open to using a donor.

I was very angry when we weren’t getting pregnant. Angry at pregnant women, angry at the situation, angry at everyone who kept saying “stop trying and it’ll happen”, angry at God. Every month, my hopes would be so high, and then my period was a reminder that I’d failed. Looking back, I think those trials made me appreciate my baby more deeply. I also think it was beneficial for my older daughter to be three years older when we welcomed her little sister. My point is, it’s very hard emotionally...if you can find a way to trust that God has His reasons, maybe it will be more bearable for you. You still have hope. Reach out if you need to.

Edited by indea08
  • Like 3
  • Thanks 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I love what Indie wrote. (And Indie I'm thrilled how it worked out for you!!). 

I'm very sorry you're in this situation.  I had one pregnancy -natural -when I was almost 42 and our son is now almost 12.  But it took the better part of a year to get me knocked up and while I had my hormone levels checked (fine) he never was tested either way.  

 I've heard -not sure if this is actually done -you use another man's sperm and mix it with your husband's so you don't really need to know who the father is - I am just not sure it's actually done.  My friend who had fertility treatments got pregnant in her early 40s with her husband's last sperm basically -he was also basically infertile. Their awesome daughter is 11 now.  

I don't think it matters for purposes of adoption whether you are a "kind" person or not - I mean please don't do a child who didn't come out of your body any favors, ok? Adopt if you are ready to treat the child as if she is your child.  Because she is.  If you don't feel that way don't do it despite being a kind person.

I am a little surprised you didn't get his sperm count checked in advance but so be it.  As far as fertility treatments -if he is the only issue I don't think IUI is that pricey.  

No. I would not have been happy having no children.  No I wouldn't have described it as "child free" -to me it would have been restricting my dreams of being a mom.  I knew since I started so late I might have to look into alternatives - donors/surrogacy/adoption.  I wanted to be a mom.  I got in my own way finding the right man to marry so I was late in trying to conceive.  I knew because of this I'd have to be open and flexible.  I knew we'd have one child unless we wanted to adopt (for a number of reasons we chose not to including because of a post-birth health condition I had given my age).  

It's totally fine if adoption/donor is a no go for you - if you only want to be a mom if you biologically give birth.  Also know at your age the chances of birth defects go up so decide whether you would be ok being a mom to a child with special needs or ok having an abortion/giving up that child for adoption.  I write this because in my humble opinion at your age you're being too picky about how you and your husband have a child if you truly want to be a mom.  Obviously that's just my personal opinion. If biological with your husband's sperm is the only way you would be ok being a mom own that and accept that.  Is your husband ok with those boundaries of yours too?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think Indea makes some great points. 

But IF you still discover he still cannot have bio children, then you really only have two options. 

1. Adopt a child with your husband 

2. Get a divorce and have a biological child with another man

 

If I may ask, what are your reasons for wanting a bio kid over an adopted kid so badly?  Sometimes people believe that a biological child will be JUST like them and their spouse.  That is not necessarily true.  I am nothing like my parents.  My adopted brother, however, was much closer to them.  A biological child isn't necessarily going to end up like you or your husband.  And please don't assume you'll have closer bond just due to genetics.  If that were true, families would have much easier relationships than they often do. 

You ask us if you'll regret it or get over it-  But only YOU can know that.  You have to be fully committed to having a child, it's like getting a tattoo on your face.  I personally think it's more than possible to love an adopted child as much as your own, I've seen it in action. But if you're 100% committed to having a bio child, then your only options are the two above. 

You need to decide what you want to do.  You are putting your husband in a no-win situation here.   So please, whatever you decide, be kind to him.  And if you cannot see yourself having a baby any other way than biologically, please tell him now so he can find someone else to be with.  What he doesn't deserve is you pretending you can live without kids if you really can't and growing to resent him. 

Let me leave with this.  I fully respect women who choose to have children.  However, it is completely possible to have a full and happy live without them, too.  I'd also advise you to talk to some moms and not just new moms, moms with grown children.   Having a child isn't all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes women regret becoming mothers, saying it ruined their marriage or didn't bring them as much joy as they'd hoped.  Some women are elated that they had them, even though they also say it's very difficult at times.  So please be aware that no matter WHAT choice you make- there will be positives and negatives.  It's up to you to decide which outweighs the other for you personally.  No one can else can decide that for you.  

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

It's a great trial in life to want something but not get it, especially something like this. 

I have known couples that don't have children & not by choice.

One couple divorced. The woman wanted a child more than the husband. She remarried and had a baby.

Two (actually 3 now that I think of it) couples stayed together and have 3 of the best partnerships I have ever witnessed.

Like everything in life, you decide how you handle it. Search yourself.  Are you destined to be sad forever about this? if you choose to be, probably. 

Can you choose to look at from a different perspective? The benefits of not having children?

Do you really choose your hubs? For better or worse?

Are you going to choose to look at the things you don't have?  Or will you focus on the good you do have?

And at your age, it is a challenge to have kids even with two otherwise healthy people.  So there is also that to consider. 

Edited to add- its absolutely OK to not be a mom. you can let go of a dream for practical reasons. You can find other dreams. You can do things to help kids that aren't your kids, through volunteering. 

I don't have any children. And I've actually had idiot women say right to my face, 'omg. I couldn't live without my kids'

So ridiculous.  Of course, that's how they feel about their kids.  but I have a life I love and I'm happy. It doesn't matter to me what other people think or if they think what I have isn't good enough.  And I'm no less of a woman.

Edited by Lambert
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Get a second opinion.  At your age it could be hard to get pregnant with any man.  Nobody can tell you how you will feel if you dont have a child of your own, we cant know that.

It's hard to find kids to adopt so if you want to do that you better get on it.

It is not wrong or shameful to not have.a child, I dont know why you'd think that.  It's your business and nobody else's.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

If you consider adoption, I would get on it now. It is a very lengthy process, and many adoption centers will not adopt children out to couples who are 40+ years old. The longer you wait, the more difficulty you will have at adopting. Apply for it as you get a second dmedical opinion.

 

And at your age, it is a challenge to have kids even with two otherwise healthy people.  So there is also that to consider. “

Unfortunately Lambert is correct. Children who are born from women over the age of 35 have a high risk of developing significant developmental disabilities such as autism. Doesn’t always happen and some women get lucky, but the risks is there. You would also be a high risk pregnancy too which is no fun (expect C-section birth).

Edited by Snny
Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...