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Hey, 

I'm 45 and he’s 50 and we’ve been together for 3 years. The last month we’ve been bickering a lot mostly about the fact that I haven’t met his adult Children from his marriage. I have one son, 20, who he’s very close with, as he’s in my house constantly. Two days ago, we argued, he’s started 3 unreasonable arguments with me the last week btw. He broke up with me saying that he wasn’t the right man for me and that I should find someone new. I called him the following day, asked if he wanted to meet for a coffee, he said no, there were to many arguments and “didn’t think he wants to see me again”. There’s been no contact since, he hasn’t reached out. I’m gutted, feel used and abandoned, we were so close and it doesn’t make sense for things to end like this, to me anyway. Can anyone give me some guidance pls. 
thanks 🙏 😊😊

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2 minutes ago, PrettyPolly2021 said:

Two days ago, we argued, he’s started 3 unreasonable arguments with me the last week btw. 

What exactly were the arguments about that he started? We need a lot more context to understand what is going on.

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He could be commitment avoidant, it can manifest suddenly and dramatically like that. Read the book He’s Scared, She’s Scared by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol, it’s a really valuable read.

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Nothing for you to do but give him his space. If he's serious about breaking up with you then that's the end of it. If he wants back in you'll hear from him at some point but reaching out to him, chasing him, begging him for another chance, asking him what went wrong and what you can do to fix it will only drive him further away and do a job on your self esteem which has already taken a hit.

 

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Op listen to a man that tells you he’s not the right man for you.

Thank him in thought that he’s set you free. He sounds commitment phobic. He also in three years never let you in on more of his life. That’s unnatural and a huge red flag! 
 

 

 

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38 minutes ago, limichelle said:

Op listen to a man that tells you he’s not the right man for you.

Thank him in thought that he’s set you free. He sounds commitment phobic. He also in three years never let you in on more of his life. That’s unnatural and a huge red flag! 
 

 

 

limichelle says a lot here.  I think you should read it again.

At 45 and 50 years old, I think you deserve and should expect more from a guy you spent a few years with and is close to your child.

For one. why haven't you meant the adult children?  3 years is a long time.  Are they not from the area and not visited?  Do they even know about you?

For two.  I would think a mature, emotionally intelligent man, even if he did want to break up could handle it better.  Not pick fights but actually talk.  However, I will add, age is not an indicator of maturity.  I am around your age and I have dated men that really have no emotional intelligence.  And it's one of those things, you don't find out until times like this.  All relationships are great.  Until they are not.  

You get to see the real person when you break up.  A caring person, cares for your feelings and lets you go gently.  Maybe there is someone else.  I am sorry to say that.  It can explain drastic changes like this.  But even if there is, it sounds like some things were missing with this guy and you were settling.  

I am sorry he did this.  It is hurtful and you should really think hard and long about it.  Someone that will do this to you, is pretty selfish and you deserve a guy that values you more.  I'd rather be alone than with someone that basically cuts me out of his life with no warning.  Doesn't even have the character to meet me for a cup of coffee. 

Take care of yourself.  You can and will get through this.  Keep posting.  It helps to vent.

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12 hours ago, PrettyPolly2021 said:

 The last month we’ve been bickering a lot mostly about the fact that I haven’t met his adult Children from his marriage.  🙏 

Sorry this is happening. The arguing is only the past month? What else is happening? 

It's doubtful he ended it over whether or not to meet adult children.

It seems like there are different goals and levels of involvement and investment.

You seem overinvested and overinvolved.

Step way back. He's right. There's too much bickering. Especially why are you pushing something that is out of your control such as whether his family want to meet you or not?

Observe this. Why is he "at your house all the time", but he keeps you at arms length?

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14 hours ago, PrettyPolly2021 said:

I'm 45 and he’s 50 and we’ve been together for 3 years. The last month we’ve been bickering a lot mostly about the fact that I haven’t met his adult Children from his marriage. 

This is concerning. 

Did they even know you existed? 

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Sounds like you have always been a secret.  Why was that okay for you? You need to expect more from people.

If he says that he is not the right guy, then you should listen.  

 Time to end this!

Edited by Hollyj
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On 2/8/2021 at 11:42 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. The arguing is only the past month? What else is happening? 

It's doubtful he ended it over whether or not to meet adult children.

It seems like there are different goals and levels of involvement and investment.

You seem overinvested and overinvolved.

Step way back. He's right. There's too much bickering. Especially why are you pushing something that is out of your control such as whether his family want to meet you or not?

Observe this. Why is he "at your house all the time", but he keeps you at arms length?

“You seem overinvested and overinvolved” This hit home to me, I was fully committed to him and maybe I’ve made a mistake! Idk, for the amount of practical and emotional investment I made, his actions and remarks now seem less than, indifferent and non caring. 👍

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Thanks for the different perspectives, it’s really helped, I gave more than I should.

he called last night asked why I hadn’t contacted him 🙄, said I did!!! He said “I don’t make you happy anymore” I said, “I didn’t say that” he’s said, “so I suppose it’s over then” I said, “it doesn’t have to be that way, but you called it so it’s probably for the best” “do you want to change your mind” he didn’t answer, I said good bye and put the phone down. I’m not too upset cause I’m managing my emotional thinking and as limichelle says, thank him. If he calls again, what’s best? I know he will. Thanks all, I think I’ve just woken up 👍

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