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Why does he keep bragging


LoreliFinn
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I have been dating this guy (btw no commitment talks) for 2 months.  I find it hard to get to know the real person.

He's very gentle, sweet personality even a bit shy.  At the start he shared a lot about his family upbringing and his children.  His parents left the home & his siblings and him were left to fend for themselves.  Awful I know.  However he said after that, they looked after each other & everything turned out ok.

Yet 2 mos have gone by & he doesn't share much of himself.  He shows me pics of projects on his phone that he completed.  Which is great but he's shut down talking about his personal life.  It's all surface stuff now.

He also starts mentioning he has female friends all of a sudden.  Some days he says he's been helping this female friend with gardening or helping in some other way. No names of these friends are ever offered.

All he seems to do now is brag about a new fence he constructed, stairs he fixed & female friends he's been spending time with. I say how great his projects are as he's really good obviously at that skill.

Should I be concerned in his decline in self disclosure?  He won't even talk about just every day things like work or things that may be bothering him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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4 minutes ago, LoreliFinn said:

I have been dating this guy for 2 months. 

He also starts mentioning he has female friends all of a sudden. 

It's only 8 weeks dating so good to observe. He may be dating these 'friends'  or sending them the same nonsense, because you are not exclusive.

He doesn't have to talk about deep disclosures, but everyday conversation would make sense at this point. Step back and see if he'll talk about his work, normal things etc or if he keeps up the nonsense.

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Sounds like you are heading down the path of "female friend".

I suspect he has abandonment issues and keeps people at arms length. sweet as he is...he's still very broken. I would be gone. Don't be a fixer.

Edited by smackie9
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Why should he have to gripe about work or "things that may be bothering him?"  A lot of people prefer to share much more positive things, such as a construction or landscaping project gone right.  Especially with someone fresh they're still getting to know.  And admittedly yeah, it probably is a not-so-subtle "look what I can bring to the table" sort of flaunt.  You either dig it or you don't.  Fair enough either way.

I'd worry much less on what problems or mundane everyday details he chooses to complain and overshare about.  If you're not building positive and enjoyable experiences with him, that'd be a much more primary consideration.  Do you not indulge him with the fruits of your hobbies?  What's the rush in slipping into shooting the **** about what watercooler conversations you had that day?  

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I don't know that I'd be concerned about the lack of self-disclosure, but a guy with lots of female friends that he helps out and takes great pleasure in telling you all about it; nothing good is going to come of that.  Maybe it's all true, in which case it's likely all an ego stroke for him; but possibly he's exaggerating in order to make himself seem more desirable to you ("look how many women are in my world" aka "look how many women potentially want me") and/or to make you jealous.  He's got some sort of agenda going.  I wouldn't participate.  I'd let him have his groupies and his fences and move on.

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Yes I'm interested in him or I wouldn't have spent 2 months getting to know him & doing activities.

Some people have commented he's put me in the friend zone by mentioning other women.  It does make me a bit jealous but I don't react &  just nod nonchalantly.  

Maybe like it was said earlier it's an ego boost for him to have female friends.  But the fact he wants me to know when he's hung out with one, it feels a bit manipulative.  What is he expecting?  Me to show I'm worried & with questions surrounding who they are?

I really like him & our chemistry is amazing.  I'm holding off on getting physical with him as I don't sleep with a guy unless the talk has happened.  We hug a lot but that's as far as I go right now.  He texts me hugs & kisses emojis every day btw.

I'm not sure what to think of all this, other than him keeping me at arm's length due to whatever. 

I don't like him talking about female friends as it muddles what is going on with us quite a bit.  What does he want?  Everyone but no one?

 

 

 

 

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19 minutes ago, LoreliFinn said:

Yes I'm interested in him or I wouldn't have spent 2 months getting to know him & doing activities.

Some people have commented he's put me in the friend zone by mentioning other women.  It does make me a bit jealous but I don't react &  just nod nonchalantly.  

Maybe like it was said earlier it's an ego boost for him to have female friends.  But the fact he wants me to know when he's hung out with one, it feels a bit manipulative.  What is he expecting?  Me to show I'm worried & with questions surrounding who they are?

I really like him & our chemistry is amazing.  I'm holding off on getting physical with him as I don't sleep with a guy unless the talk has happened.  We hug a lot but that's as far as I go right now.  He texts me hugs & kisses emojis every day btw.

I'm not sure what to think of all this, other than him keeping me at arm's length due to whatever

I don't like him talking about female friends as it muddles what is going on with us quite a bit.  What does he want?  Everyone but no one?

 

 

 

 

But are you getting to know him? Or just clocking time? 

And the 2nd part I bolded...  this is a big deal.  what's the point of investing in someone, if they're not investing in you?

If he's not that into you, you're better off dumping him. 

Edited by Lambert
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Does he also kiss you- real kisses?  I'm not sure why he has to keep mentioning that he's helping women rather than just "friends" or "people" -that would be off putting to me too - not the projects- I'm not handy at all and I am always impressed hearing about people who are.  My sense is he wants you to know you are one of his group of female friends, you are not the only female friend he has and that his female friends think highly of him and depend on him.  Why not ask in a polite curious way "why do you tell me so much about your female friends?"

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Because  he wants to control his relationship or friendship with you and only allow to reveal bits 'n pieces of his life; no more no less. 

He's not willing to share EVERYTHING about himself, his personal life, background, true feelings about what he thinks, his opinions about himself, his situation or people in his life past or present.  He's hiding a a big part of himself.  Perhaps it's too painful to discuss.  He doesn't want to open that door. 

You've only been seeing him for 2 months.  Give him a chance and more time.  I'd say give him at least 2 more months.  If you feel that he's still deliberately concealing his personal and private life from you, then he'll never change.  He doesn't want transparency with you and who knows?  Perhaps he's this way with others as well. 

Some people are very private people and never get personal.  They're on their guard all the time.  Perhaps they have trust issues, they've been hurt before, don't wish to repeat getting hurt again and therefore, they won't ever let you into their soul.  It's their defense mechanism or the "once bitten twice shy" mentality.  He has his own reasons whatever they are. 

He just wants a superficial relationship and it's up to you to either take it or leave it.  You decide and it's your choice.

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Cherylyn, this makes a lot of sense, thank you.  The talking about female friends all of a sudden, closing off when before he was open.

I could hang on for 2 more months, especially if I think he's worth it.  I would be inclined to ask where he's at with us.  Does he see it as a friendship only or relationship potential.  I may or may not get a straight answer. 

 

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12 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

Should I be concerned in his decline in self disclosure?  He won't even talk about just every day things like work or things that may be bothering him.

I say no.  Don't be too concerned at this time.

Not sure your ages, but 'Men' do not function the way we do.  They are not always so 'emotional' and 'open'.

Do not expect things such as that, which is bothering him.  He is sharing with you things that he is 'proud of'.  :)

Yes, has only been a couple months.. one needs time to feel well enough to 'be themselves'.. and to let someone in.  Just don't expect so much from the guy.

Be a friend, hang out.. see where this goes.

If maybe, in another month, if he's just doing basics with you still and you see him as something more- then i suggest you ask him.

As for him helping out his gal friends. I dont see much problem with that.  Most of the world has friends of the opposite sex.

I have had men help me out- all friends. So, because you have only known him a few months?  You have NO reason to assume anything... besides you will know soon enough, what he wants with you.

 

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12 hours ago, LoreliFinn said:

.  I'm holding off on getting physical with him as I don't sleep with a guy unless the talk has happened.  We hug a lot but that's as far as I go right now.  He texts me hugs & kisses emojis every day .

Where is it you would like to see this go? Right now it seems like friends.

He's probably dating others. As you both should since this is just hugs and texting.

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He doesn't mention names ever, so he doesn't get all the women he's dating confused.  Easier to remember what you said when you go by events/things you did, over details like names.

I would directly ask him personal questions when you see him.  So, tell me about what your favorite part of your day was.  Favorite part of your work - what projects you are working on.  About places you want to travel, and why, or where you've been.  What your college, school, high school was like. Who was your best friend growing up.  

And if you want a person to share - you need to share a bit of yourself too.  Volunteer someone intimate with him first.  It makes a difference.

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In what country can parents just walk out on their kids and the kids raise themselves without the parents ending up in jail and kids in foster care?

Be sure to take these kinds of "woe is me" stories early on with a large grain of salt. It may be true, but it is often a huge red flag in that either the person is carrying some unresolved damage or you are being emotionally manipulated right off the bat. It engages your empathy in a way where you will start excusing shady behavior as acceptable. A nasty slippery slope for you.

Enter this slow drip of how he has all these mysterious female friends that he is bragging about helping and your own inner voice and intuition starting to ring some alarm bells that something is off with him and I'd say listen to that and choose to walk away.

It's one thing for a guy to brag or try to show you how handy he is with his truck or house projects or hobbies, it's quite another when he is bringing other women into that. The latter is not normal and sounds like testing your boundaries. Even if he is trying to make you jealous, to get a reaction.....I mean that's a pretty toxic view of love and caring. Is that something you really want to get tangled up in? Games of jealousy, mistrust, and policing each other to "prove" love???

A good rule of thumb is that early on in dating, when your intuition, your alarm bells go off that something isn't quite right, LISTEN. Don't try to rationalize or excuse the behavior, but rather listen to that intuition and walk away. We have intuition precisely to protect us by picking up on subtle signs that something is off.

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  • 3 weeks later...
On 2/7/2021 at 8:16 PM, LoreliFinn said:

Cherylyn, this makes a lot of sense, thank you.  The talking about female friends all of a sudden, closing off when before he was open.

I could hang on for 2 more months, especially if I think he's worth it.  I would be inclined to ask where he's at with us.  Does he see it as a friendship only or relationship potential.  I may or may not get a straight answer. 

 

Thank you for your kind words, LoreliFinn.

If you think he's worth it,  hang on for a few more months, weeks or however long your patience will allow.  Eventually ask him where he's at with both of you; whether he sees it as friendship or relationship potential.  If you don't get a straight answer, don't waste anymore time, energy and resources on him. 

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