Boyfriend on Trip with ATTRACTIVE Female Friend (and male friend)

[checkyesjuliet]

During covid, my bf and I have drifted a bit.  We don't see each other much since I don't want to get my family sick, he doesn't seem to understand that much and goes out like usual but with a mask and I'm worried this has played a part in us drifting.  We've also been texting less, though I feel like it's a bit my fault since I've been busy with work and haven't texted him much either.  We've been together since 2017.

My bf has an extremely attractive female friend with big breasts who he's been close with since high school.  I know I'm not ugly but I'm definitely not pretty compared to her and my breasts are much smaller.  On Christmas, my bf came over to exchange gifts.  He said he was going on vacation with the girl and another male friend in a week.  I was a bit uncomfortable but tried to act ok about it.  He promised to hangout when he got back but we never did and texted very little.  This weekend, my bf is on vacation with her and her male roommate AGAIN.  This time, he didn't say anything about the trip until he sent a Snapchat that he was driving to the location and I didn't know she would be there until today when he directly sent me photos and videos of the 3 of them on Snapchat.  He hasn't texted me at all this week and I don't want to start anything.  I don't really know what to do...

 

Before covid, he'd sometimes visit her without telling me until after it happened but I never thought much of it.  I first met her In 2019 when me, my bf, the girl and her male roommate went to Warped Tour together.  Several times, I would get separated from them and they'd want to see another band so I let them go.  She was nice at the time but she's one of those slty girls who's really a b-word.  In the car, she talked about how the seatbelt was uncomfortable on her breasts and he made a casual comment about them.  She also made a comment about how pretty girls (like her) can get away with being a b-word but if they're ugly, they have to be nice or there's nothing good about them.  I felt like that was a jab toward me since I'm not as pretty as her and insinuating that that's the reason I'm nice.  I've only met her once so I don't really know what her intentions with my bf are.

[LootieTootie]

So I read your post, Juliet, and you didn't mention if you've talked/mentioned to your boyfriend how his attractive friend makes you feel. Have you?

Overall, what I am sensing when I read your post is you and your boyfriend lack communication. You're extremely insecure (low self-esteem) but how you cope is to keep it all in and pretend that it doesn't bother you. However, fast forward and it's backfiring now because he is pretty much walking all over you. He doesn't value you enough to tell you who he is on vacation with and doesn't even care enough to let you know how he's doing.

So this guy su(ks as a boyfriend but you need to work on yourself too. 

 

[checkyesjuliet]

@LootieTootie  I've never talked to my bf about his female friend since they're close and don't want to be that girlfriend who's jealous or suspicious, which I am.  It didn't really feel like my place to say since I've only met her once and didn't want to judge her.  I wouldn't even know how to start that conversation with him!

You're 100% correct about me.  I always keep things to myself and hate to open up about my feelings to anyone (bf, family, or friends).  I've also noticed how I've become more and more insecure about myself over the years.  I'm 25 but looking at photos from college, I feel I was much prettier back then.

I really appreciate you not sugar coating it and telling it to me straight that I need to work on myself too.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, checkyesjuliet said:

@LootieTootie  I've never talked to my bf about his female friend 

Sorry this is happening. You're correct. Don't bother talking about her to him. Why? Because she's not the problem.

The issue is you're drifting apart due to incompatibilities. He's a party animal and you are Covid conscious.

This has nothing to do with breasts. That's your self esteem problem, but not the issue.

Frankly he doesn't act like a BF and you two don't even seem like a couple.

He's off with his friends and keeps you on a last to know,need to know basis.

Reconsider this relationship. He's acting like a Bozo. Your focus on her appearance is making you blind to how badly he treats you.

Do not talk to him about your feelings, especially your  jealousy. This girl just is who she is. The BF is the jerk here.

Just End It.

[LootieTootie]

5 minutes ago, checkyesjuliet said:

@LootieTootie  I've never talked to my bf about his female friend since they're close and don't want to be that girlfriend who's jealous or suspicious, which I am.  It didn't really feel like my place to say since I've only met her once and didn't want to judge her.  I wouldn't even know how to start that conversation with him!

You're 100% correct about me.  I always keep things to myself and hate to open up about my feelings to anyone (bf, family, or friends).  I've also noticed how I've become more and more insecure about myself over the years.  I'm 25 but looking at photos from college, I feel I was much prettier back then.

I really appreciate you not sugar coating it and telling it to me straight that I need to work on myself too.

 

It's important that when you feel something, you take ownership of that feeling. Taking ownership means being honest with yourself. 

Sometimes we can't help but have feelings of inadequacy, paranoia, self-pity, fear... it's okay- everyone has those feelings. But you also have to learn how to communicate those feelings to others without coming off as needy, demanding, crazy or depressed (tip: it's all in the tone).

You put way too much focus in to appearances and I would advise you to divert all that energy to working on YOU. Work on your mental state of mind and maybe journaling which can be self-therapeutic. There is a self-journal section here on ENA.

 

 

 

 

[checkyesjuliet]

@Wiseman2  Thanks for the honesty.  Really interesting that you think I shouldn't talk to him about my jealousy.  Not sure which is the best way to approach this.

I'm actually more of the party animal while he stays quiet in the corner but he does go out more with his friends than I do.

[checkyesjuliet]

@LootieTootie  One of my worries is coming off as needy and crazy so that does play into the part where I don't share my feelings about his friend.

I'm just wondering, if my bf really is fooling around with her, why directly send me photos of them hanging out?  Is it a way of breaking up with me or hinting that he wants to?  Or is it just because they're friends?

[poorlittlefish]

I guess you would have gone on these trips as a couple, had you not been worried about Covid?  He has always been randomly going off with this female friend and letting you know about it afterwards, but why have you never told him you're uncomfortable with that?  Sure, he can see his friends, but there's some poor communication here on both sides.  He's not really acting like your boyfriend, in my opinion.  You've been together for over 3 years, yet he doesn't think to text you the whole time he's away?  Nobody is ever that "busy" that they can't text their loved one.  Where's this girl's boyfriend in all this?  If she's so incredibly attractive surely she has a boyfriend and isn't after yours?

[checkyesjuliet]

@poorlittlefish I would have loved to go on a trip with my bf but I didn't want to endanger my at risk parent's health and I've told him that a few times.  He doesn't seem bothered by covid and does as he pleases.

I tried not to think much of it when he hung out with her since I have more guy friends than girl friends myself so I kinda understood where she was coming from.  Those hangouts were before covid and seemed rare since she lives an hour away and he was always busy with work on weekdays and I always slept over on weekends.

The two trips happened last month and this month but he's never done that before and he always told me beforehand if he was going on a trip.

Not sure if she even has a bf.  She lives with a guy but he's not her bf.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, checkyesjuliet said:

@Wiseman2  Thanks for the honesty.  Really interesting that you think I shouldn't talk to him about my jealousy.  

Because she is not the problem. He is.

Why are you on a last-to-know, need-to-know basis?

That is what to discuss with him.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like your relationship is essentially already over. 

You've drifted apart and neither of you seems to be bothered with communicating and keeping this alive. It's very strange that you're so distant from each other that you had no clue he was even going on another trip. You sound checked out, and so does he. 

Time to stop putting off the inevitable and end it. 

[East4]

The alienation in your relationship is the problem, not the attractive friend. It is really interesting to me how often women put the blame on another attractive female, rather than looking at the poor behavior of their male partners. 

I find it really rude the comments that you made on the female friend (that she is sl*ty, b-word), she does not deserve that only because she is beautiful. You have to reflect on your low self-esteem, attractive women do not deserve to be insulted by other females who are self-conscious. If you do not like something about your looks, you would spend your energy much more productively by bettering your appearance, than directing putdowns where they do not belong.

[Wiseman2]

32 minutes ago, East4 said:

I findit really rude the comments that you made on the female friend (that she is sl*ty, b-word), 

Good point. This reveals extreme self respect problems and misdirected anger at her, when it's the BF that is the problem.

[Andrina]

It doesn't sound like you two have melded and evolved into a more serious coupling which should've happened during a whole 3 years together. If I hadn't read the timeline, I would've guessed you've only been together for 3 or 4 months. If he's such good friends with this woman, it's really bizarre you've only met her once. 

No matter how good looking you are, your partner will always encounter prettier women than you throughout life. If you assume he'll jump into bed with a prettier woman, then either you're paranoid or you can't trust him because he's shown you he has poor ethics and your relationship is built on sea sand and not concrete.

I couldn't be with a guy who didn't want to hear my voice daily when apart after we'd been together 3 years. I haven't seen my friends and neither has my husband, since March. If he really valued you, he'd would've chosen foregoing hanging out with friends so that he could safely spend time with you.

I'd say this youthful "starter" relationship has run its course. In the future, if you're not comfortable with how a guy runs his life, how about letting him go and dating someone more compatible with whom you're more comfortable with. But you can't have double standards. If you have a lot of guy friends, you can't tell a partner he can't have any women friends. Usually when things are on the up and up, your gut won't be roiling unless you're paranoid.

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, checkyesjuliet said:

I always keep things to myself and hate to open up about my feelings to anyone (bf, family, or friends).  I've also noticed how I've become more and more insecure about myself over the years.  I'm 25 but looking at photos from college, I feel I was much prettier back then.

I am sure YOU are just fine :)

Never compare yourself to others.. You DO have many good qualities... ( more than the girl w/ the attitude!).

I dont know how long you've been dating him, but by sounds of it, THEY have been friends for a good while?

Nothing really you can do about their friendship,

Do YOU feel your bond is strong enough?

Seems he is plenty happy enough, carrying on his life... but I hope he does pay some attention to you as well...

If YOU feel you two are drifting, you need to talk to him... he needs to know what you're feeling & concerns.. or nothing can be done.

* * *

BUT, I agree, totally with all Andrina posted, above!

Things have probably just run their course and you two are not working out.

Get out of this... heal & move on with your life.. be with someone who does make you feel worthwhile.

(and if you are overly insecure, maybe consider dealing with that issue for a while.. build up your self esteem.. self love/care ❤️ )