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My daughter had a bizarre reaction and says I'm not supportive


Unbalanced860

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I just want some parent's perspective. My 16 year old made some eggs, fancy eggs. It took a great deal of preparation for her and the end result was that she was so proud, so proud that she wanted me to taste it.

She knows that I do not like eggs. I generally tend to avoid them. If they're in pastries I might try them but I tend to buy egg free goods. Eggs in the actual egg form make me gag. I make them for her often and my goodness the smell just gets to me. I especially hate when I try a baked good and it tastes and smells like eggs it's thee worst!!! It's like a wet dog sulfur smell. I can't take it. 

So knowing all of this she pleads with me asking me over and over again to try some. I told her I couldn't do it. So she gets upset, says I ruined her appetite, starts to tear up, goes to her room, slams the door and stays there. She said she'll never bake again.

We had a conversation about it this morning and her reaction was explosive. She was really emotional about it. She was flushed and tearing up. She told me I don't support her or validate her feelings, that I didn't care about her hard work. She says that I was laughing and not taking her seriously when really I had a smile on my face because I was shocked that she'd try to get me to eat something that I didn't eat.

I feel bothered by her reaction. I support all of her interests. I tried brownies that she made (with eggs) two days ago and I do try things that she bakes, cooks. I just can't eat eggs like that. I thought she was being unfair and a bit immature. I buy all of the cookbooks, ingredients, pots pans and help her with cooking if needed and she says that I'm just funding her interests not supporting them. Parents this hurts because I try her food I commend her, I tell her she should consider going to school for culinary etc... as a parent i make it a point to support her interests. 

I think it's wrong to get upset with someone for not eating something that you know they don't eat. Am I wrong? How could I have reacted? There have been many times where I've made meals that took considerable amount of time and she did not eat it. Sure I was disappointed but I moved on.

When she acts this way I worry about her in the real world. 

 

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It really depends on your tone a voice and how well does your daughter know you don't like eggs.

"You KNOW i can't stand the smell of eggs!"  Vs "Honey, those are beautiful.  I can tell what care you put into them. I am really impressed.  Why don't we ask dad/brother/bestie next door to come try some?"

I know as a preteen i would have been upset so badly because i "failed" = forgot that someone hated a particular

thing and crying was me beating myself up.

Could you have just put something on the eggs that would have made a teensy tiny bite palatable? "I know what would go great with eggs?"  I used to put salsa on my eggs.  Just the tiniest of tastes.

I made a lot of effort to make a dish my mother loved one time (as an adult) she came over and said "no thank you, i just ate, and am not eating that stuff anymore." It made me feel bad. 

 

1 hour ago, Unbalanced860 said:

he says that I was laughing and not taking her seriously when really I had a smile on my face because I was shocked that she'd try to get me to eat something that I didn't eat.

Okay - i think the heart of the matter is right here. its not a normal reaction, at least to me, to "smile" because someone made food that i couldn't eat. I mean, unless it was like when my brother was little and would chase me around the house with a spoon making airplane noises with a food i didn't like and we both ended up laughing.  But in that case there was no sincerity.    If she was not being silly and was genuinely proud, i would not have reacted with a smug smile/smirk -- i would have sandwiched the appreciation

That's beautiful - thoughtful, honey/i wish i could have a bite but eggs don't agree with my stomach/ "hey, brother/dad/uncle, look what daughter made, doesn't that look great. do you want some?).

keep in mind --- you probably plenty of times have tried to get daughter to eat things that were good for her but she had it in her head that she didn't like it --- different vegetables , etc, and tried to make them beautiful/creative/fun to get her to eat them.   Maybe she was sincere and returning the favor.

Unless its an actual food allergy, my appreciation at what someone cooked for me outweighs things -- i try to show appreciation even if i only offer to 'take it home for later' find some sauce that makes it palatable to me or offer to share it.

 

 

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1 hour ago, Unbalanced860 said:

So she gets upset, says I ruined her appetite, starts to tear up, goes to her room, slams the door and stays there. She said she'll never bake again.

This is just an immature reaction - something she can get over.

YOU did nothing wrong.. If I did a lot of cooking/baking and mom didnt taste some things, I would not act out like that.. ( unless maybe a teen..lol)

Let it go.. let her get a grip & get thru her 'mood'.  Don't react at all.

 

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I actually think it's ok that she didn't try it as long as her tone was reaffirming/positive.  If someone intensely dislikes a type of food it's like being allergic - tasting it can make that person feel physically ill and that's not ok.  When my son was 7 we were at my inlaws' former home -my father in law had passed away and there was family there and friends who brought lots of food.  A family friend I didn't know but who was very pushy brought a dish.  It was something I might have tried or let my son try although it wasn't my favorite kind of food.  The problem was I didn't know how long it had been sitting out and it was perishable.  Also very very greasy.  The next day my son and I had to fly back to our city.  I didn't want to risk my son feeling sick. 

So I politely declined on both our behalfs. This woman would not let up - and I was there because my father in law/my son's grandfather -had just died. She was so pushy, pressuring us to have some.  I stood my ground and I thought it was incredibly rude of her to pressure us.  It's food. I get that she prepared it, I get that she feels like I was rejecting "her" but I don't think it's right ever to pressure someone into putting food into their bodies.  For whatever reason.  (Yes, as parents we try to get our kids to eat healthy/their veggies -I'm talking about for other purposes and even then I don't believe in force feeding).   This woman turned out to be pushy that day in other respects too -a  real loud mouth.  So that provided context.

I understand it's your daughter but obviously she didn't make this specially "for you" as she knows you hate eggs. When I was 7 or so I made breakfast for my mother because my dad had to work unexpectedly.  She ate every bite (yes it was good!) and  told me much much later that I'd forgotten to heat up the coffee my father had prepared in advance.  But she drank it -the cold coffee -because she didn't want to make me feel badly - I actually would have been fine if she didn't!  So yes she sacrificed but cold coffee she knew wouldn't make her sick or feel sick. And I was 7.  

I too think it's hormones and perhaps your tone was a bit off putting.  i'm sorry this happened. 

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I am a mother and I would have tried some.

I remember doing things for my mother and feeling so disappointed when she expressed annoyance or belittled what I'd done (for example, my brother and I took a couple of hours to thoroughly clean the oven when we were teens and when Mom came home and we showed her, she said "Why didn't you mop the floor?"  Yes, 40 years later and I still remember).  I wouldn't want to hurt my kids' feelings that way.

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1 hour ago, abitbroken said:

It really depends on your tone a voice and how well does your daughter know you don't like eggs.

"You KNOW i can't stand the smell of eggs!"  Vs "Honey, those are beautiful.  I can tell what care you put into them. I am really impressed.  Why don't we ask dad/brother/bestie next door to come try some?"

I know as a preteen i would have been upset so badly because i "failed" = forgot that someone hated a particular

thing and crying was me beating myself up.

Could you have just put something on the eggs that would have made a teensy tiny bite palatable? "I know what would go great with eggs?"  I used to put salsa on my eggs.  Just the tiniest of tastes.

I made a lot of effort to make a dish my mother loved one time (as an adult) she came over and said "no thank you, i just ate, and am not eating that stuff anymore." It made me feel bad. 

 

Okay - i think the heart of the matter is right here. its not a normal reaction, at least to me, to "smile" because someone made food that i couldn't eat. I mean, unless it was like when my brother was little and would chase me around the house with a spoon making airplane noises with a food i didn't like and we both ended up laughing.  But in that case there was no sincerity.    If she was not being silly and was genuinely proud, i would not have reacted with a smug smile/smirk -- i would have sandwiched the appreciation

That's beautiful - thoughtful, honey/i wish i could have a bite but eggs don't agree with my stomach/ "hey, brother/dad/uncle, look what daughter made, doesn't that look great. do you want some?).

keep in mind --- you probably plenty of times have tried to get daughter to eat things that were good for her but she had it in her head that she didn't like it --- different vegetables , etc, and tried to make them beautiful/creative/fun to get her to eat them.   Maybe she was sincere and returning the favor.

Unless its an actual food allergy, my appreciation at what someone cooked for me outweighs things -- i try to show appreciation even if i only offer to 'take it home for later' find some sauce that makes it palatable to me or offer to share it.

 

 

Thanks for the input. I had a very nice and sincere tone. I told her she did such a great job and that it was beautiful. I asked her to send a pic so that I could share it with the family.

I just feel that you should respect someone's decision not to eat something that you know they dont eat. She didn't make it for me. It was her meal.

I need to work on the smiling thing. I do that in uncomfortable situations. 

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

She had a normal teenage reaction however I would have still tried even if eggs made me puke. It is not something that would have killed you to take one bite. 

It wouldn't have killed me but at the same time I feel that it's about respect too. I was just surprised at the reaction. 

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17 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I am a mother and I would have tried some.

I remember doing things for my mother and feeling so disappointed when she expressed annoyance or belittled what I'd done (for example, my brother and I took a couple of hours to thoroughly clean the oven when we were teens and when Mom came home and we showed her, she said "Why didn't you mop the floor?"  Yes, 40 years later and I still remember).  I wouldn't want to hurt my kids' feelings that way.

So sorry for this. I truly try not to belittle anything she does at times she thinks I over praise the things that she does.  Maybe I'm thinking too deep into this.

 

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50 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I actually think it's ok that she didn't try it as long as her tone was reaffirming/positive.  If someone intensely dislikes a type of food it's like being allergic - tasting it can make that person feel physically ill and that's not ok.  When my son was 7 we were at my inlaws' former home -my father in law had passed away and there was family there and friends who brought lots of food.  A family friend I didn't know but who was very pushy brought a dish.  It was something I might have tried or let my son try although it wasn't my favorite kind of food.  The problem was I didn't know how long it had been sitting out and it was perishable.  Also very very greasy.  The next day my son and I had to fly back to our city.  I didn't want to risk my son feeling sick. 

So I politely declined on both our behalfs. This woman would not let up - and I was there because my father in law/my son's grandfather -had just died. She was so pushy, pressuring us to have some.  I stood my ground and I thought it was incredibly rude of her to pressure us.  It's food. I get that she prepared it, I get that she feels like I was rejecting "her" but I don't think it's right ever to pressure someone into putting food into their bodies.  For whatever reason.  (Yes, as parents we try to get our kids to eat healthy/their veggies -I'm talking about for other purposes and even then I don't believe in force feeding).   This woman turned out to be pushy that day in other respects too -a  real loud mouth.  So that provided context.

I understand it's your daughter but obviously she didn't make this specially "for you" as she knows you hate eggs. When I was 7 or so I made breakfast for my mother because my dad had to work unexpectedly.  She ate every bite (yes it was good!) and  told me much much later that I'd forgotten to heat up the coffee my father had prepared in advance.  But she drank it -the cold coffee -because she didn't want to make me feel badly - I actually would have been fine if she didn't!  So yes she sacrificed but cold coffee she knew wouldn't make her sick or feel sick. And I was 7.  

I too think it's hormones and perhaps your tone was a bit off putting.  i'm sorry this happened. 

Thanks for the input! I had a positive and affirming tone. I wasn't rude. I've eaten things that she's baked/cooked before. We even cook together.

Thanks for sharing that story about your son. That lady seemed very aggressive. You did a great job standing your ground.

Lately I find that I get really annoyed when people try to push food on me. I end up taking food with me that I know I'm going to through away later. It's like people don't believe me when I say no thank you. 

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Yeah, I remember my younger brother as a teen screaming that my mother didn't understand him and then going into his bedroom and slamming the door so many times.

I was more of a sulker.

How does she react with other people when she's disappointed with them? A lot of the time, like toddlers in a daycare, they won't act up with a non-parent because they know the caretaker or others like friends might like them, but don't love them unconditionally like a parent. So when they feel overwhelmed, they can have a meltdown around their parents who will always love them, but if they can't get away with the same thing around others.

I think she was out of line for trying to force you to eat something she well knows you don't like. But she has an immature brain and might think otherwise. As an adult, it's your responsibility to teach proper behavior. Like when I taught my daughters phone manners. When things have calmed down and you're both in a mellow mood, I'd ask for a discussion saying you want for each of you to have your take on things without interruption. It's important she also hears your views, so that she also doesn't pull this coercion on anybody else, which makes others uncomfortable. Good luck.

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I would have tried some.  My daughter does this to me too (many times).  She's always trying to get me to taste "something new" that she discovered, or made.  She likes a lot of stuff I really can't handle, lol.  She loves sushi.  I can't stand it.  And lots of other things. She buys mainly in health food stores.  I always tell her she likes really weird things but I try every single one of them ..... only to find it's ... really weird, lol.  It's a standing joke now.   Whenever I hear "hey mom, taste this!!", I cringe, lol.  But I taste it.  Tell her, no, not for me. And we laugh, lol.

Your daughter is still at the age where her feelings really get hurt.  She's so proud of what she did only to walk away feeling utterly deflated.  Children/teens don't process the way adults do and small things like this can really affect them.  I would have tried it.

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2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I would have tried some.  My daughter does this to me too (many times).  She's always trying to get me to taste "something new" that she discovered, or made.  She likes a lot of stuff I really can't handle, lol.  She loves sushi.  I can't stand it.  And lots of other things. She buys mainly in health food stores.  I always tell her she likes really weird things but I try every single one of them ..... only to find it's ... really weird, lol.  It's a standing joke now.   Whenever I hear "hey mom, taste this!!", I cringe, lol.  But I taste it.  Tell her, no, not for me. And we laugh, lol.

Your daughter is still at the age where her feelings really get hurt.  She's so proud of what she did only to walk away feeling utterly deflated.  Children/teens don't process the way adults do and small things like this can really affect them.  I would have tried it.

Thanks for the input really. I didn't think of it this way and after trying to talk with her the second time today I can see that it really affected her. I didn't realize that I needed to get down to her level I was just thinking in my head how she was so adamant in getting me to try something I don't eat. Maybe it was a battle that I didn't need to "fight".

She tried to get me to eat french toast that she made today. I tried it but she's still bitter about the other thing.

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I know you mentioned being irritated other people trying to make you eat things. Is it possible this is making you irritated with your daughter too?  Remember she is not these other people but your child developing into an adult . Teens notoriously see things “ their way” it is part of development. I remember myself as a teen even though I am in my mid 50’s now and I remember my son as a teen. ( I used to work in a youth centre with teens as well) They are notoriously moody and it is all about them. But that is human development. Their brain is doing some amazing things so it is easier to become disregulated. 
 

The human brain is still developing until the age of about 25. 

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15 hours ago, Unbalanced860 said:

. I thought she was being unfair and a bit immature. 

She's 16! Get over yourself and your food hang-up.

Where's her father? Can she cook for him? Or perhaps friends and family who appreciate her?

You're creating drama . She's just being a teenager.

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14 hours ago, Unbalanced860 said:

Thanks for the input! I had a positive and affirming tone. I wasn't rude. I've eaten things that she's baked/cooked before. We even cook together.

Thanks for sharing that story about your son. That lady seemed very aggressive. You did a great job standing your ground.

Lately I find that I get really annoyed when people try to push food on me. I end up taking food with me that I know I'm going to through away later. It's like people don't believe me when I say no thank you. 

Yes and I wouldn't dismiss it as a food hangup - sure there are food hangups (I have them -I like things extra hot but if my child wanted me to try something that wasn't, I would!) - but I don't eat raw sushi or raw fish/undercooked meats etc for any reason -or food that was left out too long in my opinion - so to me it's health not a hangup and it's no one's business why I decline.  I also think it's fine not to eat at someone's home and just enjoy the company - my sister does that -she drinks water or tea -she just doesn't like eating with people and has a really sensitive stomach.  She'll tell the host in advance if needed or "I'll meet you for lunch and keep you company if that's ok".  I don't get the pushing food on people thing, at all -offering of course is nice and polite and then respect the "no thank you".  

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Yes and I wouldn't dismiss it as a food hangup - sure there are food hangups (I have them -I like things extra hot but if my child wanted me to try something that wasn't, I would!) - but I don't eat raw sushi or raw fish/undercooked meats etc for any reason -or food that was left out too long in my opinion - so to me it's health not a hangup and it's no one's business why I decline.  I also think it's fine not to eat at someone's home and just enjoy the company - my sister does that -she drinks water or tea -she just doesn't like eating with people and has a really sensitive stomach.  She'll tell the host in advance if needed or "I'll meet you for lunch and keep you company if that's ok".  I don't get the pushing food on people thing, at all -offering of course is nice and polite and then respect the "no thank you".  

But this situation wasn't at a party or some friend or acquaintance.  I bet her daughter's feelings were hurt.  I remember having hurt feelings when my mother reacted with indifference when I tried to please her or show her something I had been proud of.

I would have taken a small nibble, proclaimed it "Delicious!" and tell her I'm sure she'll really enjoy it.  I mean, think about when our kids try to make us breakfast for Mother's Day.  The food certainly wasn't restaurant quality but we pretended to enjoy it anyway because it made them feel appreciated.

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22 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

But this situation wasn't at a party or some friend or acquaintance.  I bet her daughter's feelings were hurt.  I remember having hurt feelings when my mother reacted with indifference when I tried to please her or show her something I had been proud of.

I would have taken a small nibble, proclaimed it "Delicious!" and tell her I'm sure she'll really enjoy it.  I mean, think about when our kids try to make us breakfast for Mother's Day.  The food certainly wasn't restaurant quality but we pretended to enjoy it anyway because it made them feel appreciated.

In this situation with her aversion to eggs she could have been enthusiastic and not tried it - I think it's important that her daughter know it's not ok to force food on people  No matter what.  It's disrespectful and could make someone feel sick.  I would have said "that looks awesome!  I know your ___ will love it! I wish I could try it but you know I can't eat eggs like this - I'm so sorry!!" 

If she just didn't particularly care for the food yes you taste it.  But I don't think it's ever ok to try to pressure someone to ingest something just because they prepared it. I went through that kind of pressure with alcohol way too many times "but I made you a drink!"

I find it kind of bizarre that this happened in this way - the mom didn't know about the eggs that apparently took a long time to prepare? The daughter didn't know about the mom's aversion?

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I would ask daughter if I can talk with her, and I'd sit on a couch and hold her hand. I'd look her in the eye and tell her, "I don't have the words to tell you how sorry I am that I hurt your feelings about the eggs. I was smiling because I was caught up in your happiness, and I promise you that if it were any other food than the one thing that causes me illness, I would have grabbed that fork in a heartbeat. I love you so much, and it pains me to have you so angry with me."

If she'd allow me a hug, I'd do that. If she wants to gripe, I'd listen without going defensive. I'd probably respond with something lighthearted, like, "Okay, honey. Your horrible, horrible mother has heard you."

If she still stays snotty, I'd stand up and say, "Well, you think on it, and the apology stands." Then I'd walk away knowing that I've done all I can. The rest is up to her.

Head high.

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