Jump to content

Should I contact him or not?!


Recommended Posts

Hi.
I was in a serious relationship with a guy for 3 years (since 2017), we broke up in Oct 2020.
Now that I’m single I’m thinking a lot about the other guy that I liked before I was in a serious relationship (2016). At the time, we were good friends and I think he liked me, too. We were schoolmates. But things ended up badly, because he thought my intentions were bad (that’s a completely different story I won’t be telling today) so our friendship ended soon. But while it lasted, I feel like it was an honest friendship on both sides.
After the “fight” we didn’t speak at school at all, it was that bad. That’s why I feel I meant something to him, because he ignored me at school which means, I really hurt him (that was never my intention, I never knew what I’ve done wrong, I loved him and have always wished him good).

But over the years, things got better, sometimes we spoke in school, and even went out to a club with the same group of friends and danced together there a lot. I feel like we were on good terms, but not friends.
I think he never acted like he acted back in 2016 again, because he knew I had a boyfriend. I constantly think what would’ve happen if I were single the whole time.

Now we’re both in college, so we haven’t seen each other for more than 1 year ... And now there is corona virus so we aren’t able to meet (my country has a strict quarantine) with a group of friends. So the only option is social media. 
The thing is, I would really like to start speaking to him again and rekindle our friendship, because it was really fun. It was short, but I have such beautiful memories. I just want to bring back what we had in 2016 ... The way he looked at me, always smiling, texted me after classes, sent me snaps, screenshotted my pics, told his friends about me ...

As for I know, he haven’t had a girlfriend during this time, at least nothing serious and I don’t think he met anyone or really fell in love with. I think if there was something there I would’ve hear from his friends.

My dilemma is: 

- Is it too soon for me to be thinking about guys again if I ended my last relationship only 3 months ago?

- Is it worth investing my time and energy into this guy that I’m talking about? I often hear “if he wanted you, he would text you”, “woman shouldn’t chase a man”. But he doesn’t know I ended my previous relationship ...

- If I should give it a try, how should I contact him? What should I text him?

The last time we spoke was via Messenger around New Year 2021. I asked him if he really won’t be coming to New Year’s celebration, as we were both invited to the same party. He said he couldn’t come, told me his reasons (his parents’ fault) and I told him that I don’t agree/understand it. After that he left me on read ... Don’t know if he had enough of me or what ...

I would really like to get some advice from you guys ... I’m sorry for my English, it’s not the best.

Thank you for your time.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I get wanting to feel better after a breakup but please don't try to leapfrog to a new relationship as a bandaid.

You run the risk of that happening because it doesn't seem like you cared about contacting this guy until after your breakup.

I know you say you want friendship but you wouldn't be fondly reminiscing about how he looked at you if you weren't interested in romantic attention.

I don't see the harm of messaging him but don't try to pursue a relationship until you are completely over your breakup.

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I get wanting to feel better after a breakup but please don't try to leapfrog to a new relationship as a bandaid.

You run the risk of that happening because it doesn't seem like you cared about contacting this guy until after your breakup.

I know you say you want friendship but you wouldn't be fondly reminiscing about how he looked at you if you weren't interested in romantic attention.

I don't see the harm of messaging him but don't try to pursue a relationship until you are completely over your breakup.

I see your point. Thank you for your response.

I didn’t contact him while I was in a relationship because I didn’t feel it was the right thing to do. Especially because I’m aware of the fact that it was some kind of an attraction back in the days. Whenever I saw him in real life and there was a chance I was trying to have some kind of contact as a friend. But as for social media, I didn’t send him texts or snaps because it would be odd texting other guys first if I was in a relationship. Even if it is only a friendship, it would be weird if I just start sending him stuff out of nowhere.

Now it feels more “free” to talk to other guys, too because I am single.

And as I said, I want to rekindle the friendship we had first, and then see what happens. I would love to be more than just a friend to him, but how can I be if we aren’t even friends ...

I just want to give it a try.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • kamurj locked this topic
  • kamurj unlocked this topic

You can talk to anyone you want. No one says you can't have a relationship..... My advice...keep your expectations low. Don't focus all your energy on him. Broaden your horizons.

Edited by smackie9
Link to post
Share on other sites

Same as Lambert, looking back usually and mostly results in super disappointments. I think you have lot to work on yourself, take up some new skills instead and stay single for a while, most probably you might end up meeting new people through that.

Let go of the people who have left you...you will thank yourself one day for making that decision.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I would let the urge to reach out rest for a few days.  If by the end of the week you still feel like reaching out then do so. 

As I mentioned in a previous post, an ex of mine committed suicide several months ago.  I always thought about reaching out to him over the years and I never did.  Now I feel bad about that.

No one is going to give you a medal at the end of life for being righteous. Do what you feel like doing and live in the moment. Maybe just be cautious of any red flags and have little expectations as to whether you will be more than friends.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm assuming you're in your early 20s. After 3 years in a relationship, how about trying to embrace that freedom? Once everyone receives their vaccines, hopefully by summer, have fun with girlfriends. Concentrate on your education and/or career. Take up a new hobby. Make a bucket list of things you might want to do before you settle down with a family. 

Some people are addicted to being in a relationship without a proper breather. Looking back at my own life, I was one of those people and I believe I know why psychologically, but didn't fully understand it at the time. I wish I'd been alone for a while and done the things I listed in my advice I'm giving to you.

Because when you don't learn to be happy solo, you might date out of desperation to prevent being alone, and not choose wisely. Some people keep picking the same type of wrong guy over and over because of low self esteem and sometimes from not having a full understanding of who they are without a partner.

If you do decide to eventually go for the old friend, I'd wait until you can physically see him and then give him a call and update him on your life and ask to meet with him to catch up. Then, you will get your answer quickly instead of months of texting, etc. and investing time and emotional energy to have it possibly all fall apart when you actually physically meet again. 

In most cases, people should follow the advice: When the past comes calling, don't answer. It has nothing new to say.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...