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He says he wants a prenup, I feel like the love is dead


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My boyfriend and I have been dating for going on two years now. I live on my own in an apartment, boyfriend still lives at home with his parents. He is 36 and I am 35.

Boyfriend likes to bring up living together, last night I told him "sure, when we are married we can live together." I am not interested in living with a man I'm not married to; been there done that never doing it again..

Last night when I brought up marriage (not the first time I've told him my views on this and that I want to get married) , he reacted strongly. His words were something to the effect of "yea sure, get married so you can screw me when you leave".... He said this with utter disgust for me in his eyes and tone, it really stuck with me. I felt like I got a glimpse into what he really feels and thinks about me in that moment and I'm really uncomfortable with what I saw and feels like the love is just ... Dead now. It really did some damage to me. 

Even worse, he then brought up prenuptial agreements (which I find strange because I'm the one with life savings,a career, my own place, own my car etc meanwhile he literally has nothing and lives with his parents).

I really feel like it's put up a wall between us and it's affected the way I feel about him. It's like the love and romance of being together is gone and now I'm thinking if he does ever ask me to marry him, it's going to be conditional with a prenuptial agreement (which by the way, I thought about it a lot and I would never sign one..)

I realize we need to talk about this, I'm just looking for outsider POV on this.. The fact that he wants a prenup if we were ever to get married and also the way he said to me in disgust that I would leave and screw him.. Am I crazy to feel like he doesn't see a life long commitment to me based off his reaction?

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16 minutes ago, PainterGirl said:

, boyfriend still lives at home with his parents. He is 36 

. His words were something to the effect of "yea sure, get married so you can screw me when you leave".... 

It's unclear why you would want to marry a middle aged man who lives with mommy and daddy.

Don't allow him to weasel his way into your apt. He needs to get his own place.

You can simply laugh at his absurd prenuptial counterargument. He doesn't even have anything 😂

It would be best to cut your losses and find a man who is not an angry spoiled brat. 

End it. It's not worth the headaches and heartaches arguing with someone like this.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

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4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's unclear why you would want to marry a middle aged man who lives with mommy and daddy.

Don't allow him to weasel his way into your apt. He needs to get his own place.

You can simply laugh at his absurd prenuptial counterargument. He doesn't even have anything 😂

It would be best to cut your losses and find a man who is not an angry spoiled brat. 

End it. It's not worth the headaches and heartaches arguing with someone like this.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men.

Would rather just stay single for the forseeable future if things don't work out between he and I. Thank you wise man for the response. Just an FYI to add for anyone els; he would like for us to rent a house together this spring .

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PainterGirl, it seems to me that your boyfriend has an underlying resentment of marriage, and I dare say, women as well. I am saying that because logically in your specific situation, you are the one with the assets, so if somebody should be worried about losing in case of divorce, this should be you, not him. So, the contempt and disgust he demonstrated, has to do with his general believes about women and marriage, rather than you individually. If I were you, I would be very careful about having a relationship, let alone, marrying a hidden misogynist, because his negative believes about marriage and women will poison your marital life: he will always be counting the pennies, who pays for what, most probably will put you in position where you will pay for most things, will criticize and put you down, will not support you in your endeavors and secretly will be jealous of your success.

Have you already noticed such tendencies in your relationship? 

He is doing you a favor and showing you who he is. For him, it would be a good deal: moving from his parents' house straight to yours...hmmm, does not strike me as particularly masculine behavior, it seems he feels entitled to be taken care of. 

If I were you, I would observe him very carefully for the next months, and then reevaluate your relationship with him. Because at 35 you cannot afford to waste your time with unsuitable suitors. Don't settle down, only because you have been together for sometime and you do not want to start anew.

Edited by East4
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Well, he has shown you that marriage disgusts him and you want to be married . There is no compromise there. 
 

36 is too old to be milking mom and dad for everything unless you have a disability and need to be at home. 

There is not enough there to build a relationship on. 

 

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38 minutes ago, PainterGirl said:

I felt like I got a glimpse into what he really feels and thinks about me in that moment

You sure did! 

I don't know if the love is dead, but you're certainly with a guy who thinks women are gold diggers. Don't bother putting any effort into figuring out why he would think that given the circumstances, because bigotry never make sense. It's a form of stupidity. You can love stupid, and stupid can love you. But you can't fix stupid.

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I think you are all on to something.. He brought up his own parents unhappy marriage, to which I fired back that I was raised with two parents who loved each other deeply and were very happy in their marriage.

The idea of him being secretly or even subconsciously misogynistic hadn't come to me, I will have to investigate that further. 

Thank you to you all for your responses.

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My parents had a deeply troubled and abusive marriage. I will be married 27 years this year and my husband and I adore each other. Not to say we haven’t had problems or an argument but for the most part we are happy and adore each other. Our parents don’t make our marriage,  we do. Clearly he doesn’t understand that. 

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Lol, wow.  While I think prenups are great, his desire for one in this particular context are not about mutual protection but some negative associations with marriage.  

What are you going to do, take his couch and Cheetos from mom’s basement? If he had some kind of assets, even then his angry and resentful response would be just as concerning.  
 

Prenups in people with healthy views on marriage can be great.  Clearly not the case here. 

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Life is filled with daily stress--on the job, things breaking down. Your significant other is supposed to be the soft pillow you land on at the end of the day, not someone who EVER looks at you with disgust and speaks to you with contempt.

PG, you deserve better. While you become single again, make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick with it. Besides someone who will cherish you, one of your must-haves should be someone who is financially stable, and that's not him. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever have to make, so use your brain in conjunction with your heart to choose wisely.

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4 hours ago, PainterGirl said:

His words were something to the effect of "yea sure, get married so you can screw me when you leave".... He said this with utter disgust for me in his eyes and tone, it really stuck with me.

LOL!!!  WOW... What on earth has happened to him to think this way about marriage?  😂

 

3 hours ago, Jibralta said:

You can love stupid, and stupid can love you. But you can't fix stupid.

Thread winner comment!!!  😂😂😂

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4 hours ago, PainterGirl said:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for going on two years now.

I'm confused as to why you didn't see the red flags he's like this in the two years you've been dating him though.  

Anyway... it just sounds like he's not marriage material.  If he can't tell you're not evil after 2 years of dating, he's not right for you imo.

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it can take a while to see someone's true personality. That comment and tone you picked up, prime example.

It can also take time for incompatibilities to surface. But honestly why does he live with his parents at this advanced age? if there is some reason, ok. but.... this is red flag.

Moving out on your own, having your own things, taking responsibility for yourself is fundamental to adulthood. The man is almost forty... does he have any life experience? does know how to pay bills, file taxes, handle emergencies, do laundry, cook? Or are you going to have to play mommy?

dump this one.

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I wouldn't be upset with the prenup, but I would have been upset about this:  ""yea sure, get married so you can screw me when you leave"  Huge red flag on his views on you and relationships with women. 

My main question is, why are you with someone who is 36 and living with mommy and daddy and has nothing going for him?  You have your life together, what makes his situation attractive, on top of his thinking?  This guy sounds like a bum and a manchild

Edited by Hollyj
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Just now, Hollyj said:

I wouldn't be upset with the prenup, but I would have been upset about this:  ""yea sure, get married so you can screw me when you leave"  Huge red flag on his views on you and relationships with women. 

My main question is, why are you with someone who is 36 and living with his parents and has noting going for him?  You have your life together, what makes his situation attractive, on top of his thinking?

I also wanted to add... I have no problem with pre-nups. It's the other stuff.  

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OP, 

He is not interested in marriage.   Please please do not consider marrying this man.  It sounds to me like he is interested in living with you so he can sponge off you, the way he's sponging off his mommy. 

Why do you even have an interest in marrying this man?  He clearly has no ambition, and pretty obvious contempt for women and marriage. 

 People do tend to have emotional responses to Pre-nups.  But as someone who has been divorced, let me tell you-  They are a GOOD thing.  Especially if, as in your situation, you have FAR more than he does.  If you were to get married and get divorced- the pre-nup would protect YOU.   All it basically means (boiled down) is what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine.  It always protects the person with more wealth and assets.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            So, whether you marry this man (please don't) or another man that you have more than, I would strongly recommend getting a pre-nup.  I know it doesn't sound romantic and everyone always thinks they will be together forever.  But trust me, it saves SO much time and money later.  And if you never need it, all the better.  But if you DO end up getting divorced (and no matter what anyone says, you can never predict this, no matter how hard you try)- it's so much cleaner and easier.  

I used to think pre-nups were unromantic, too.  I didn't have a pre-nup, and I ended up having to pay for my divorce on my own and my ex got FAR more than he deserved.  I WISH I had had one since he got a bunch of the money I earned while I was working three jobs and he was home playing video games and hooking up with other woman.  That hurt me FAR more than my feelings of it being "unromantic" before marriage. 

Back to this dude, please ditch him.  He's a loser.  Not to mention his hostility towards women is laughable considering his mother is probably still washing his undies and making him dinner. 

 

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I would be less concerned with his prenup requirement and more concerned with his misogynistic views.

Why do you want to stay in this relationship?  Is it because you don't want to be single?

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Thanks everyone for responding. To answer what a lot of you are asking, why am I with him? Well, when I met him I was at a point in my life where I was very weak emotionally and physically. I was just about to undergo a serious surgery, completely on my own and he came into my life at that time and kind of... Was "there" for me through that ordeal, even though I still went through it alone, he was there to talk to through it all and we formed a bond because of that. 

At the time he had told me that he lived with his parents and yes it was definitely a red flag, but he also told me his plans to "move out that summer"... Which obviously never happened..

Now we are two years in and I do love him and we have become very close, especially our friendship. We do have a lot of fun together and share a lot of common interests. 

I was dumb enough to believe that he would step his game up, move out of his parents finally and do something with his life, but we are two years in and I haven't seen that happen... It's the same redundant cycle that was there from the beginning.

I am starting to see things for what they are... and unfortunately starting realize we are probably not right for each other in the long run.

It really does hurt me because my love for him is real, and it is deep. I wish I could see things changing, see him getting his own place, then maybe I could see myself moving forward with him... But then there is also his reaction to marriage and I just feel that his reaction when I brought it up, shows that he either doesn't trust me, has some type of contempt for women as some of you have pointed out or ...I don't know. 

I realize the right thing to do would be to end things with him, I guess I just love him so much that I was hoping he would step up a bit and show me he can actually be a man and take care of himself as well as me because right now I'm really scared that I will become his mother or care taker or whatever.

It's not that I have an aversion to being alone. On the contrary, I actually enjoy being single very much. I just really love him at this point, I am in deep and the decision is not easy to make. 

 

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2 hours ago, redswim30 said:

OP, 

He is not interested in marriage.   Please please do not consider marrying this man.  It sounds to me like he is interested in living with you so he can sponge off you, the way he's sponging off his mommy. 

Why do you even have an interest in marrying this man?  He clearly has no ambition, and pretty obvious contempt for women and marriage. 

 People do tend to have emotional responses to Pre-nups.  But as someone who has been divorced, let me tell you-  They are a GOOD thing.  Especially if, as in your situation, you have FAR more than he does.  If you were to get married and get divorced- the pre-nup would protect YOU.   All it basically means (boiled down) is what's yours is yours and what's mine is mine.  It always protects the person with more wealth and assets.                                                                                                                                                                                                                            So, whether you marry this man (please don't) or another man that you have more than, I would strongly recommend getting a pre-nup.  I know it doesn't sound romantic and everyone always thinks they will be together forever.  But trust me, it saves SO much time and money later.  And if you never need it, all the better.  But if you DO end up getting divorced (and no matter what anyone says, you can never predict this, no matter how hard you try)- it's so much cleaner and easier.  

I used to think pre-nups were unromantic, too.  I didn't have a pre-nup, and I ended up having to pay for my divorce on my own and my ex got FAR more than he deserved.  I WISH I had had one since he got a bunch of the money I earned while I was working three jobs and he was home playing video games and hooking up with other woman.  That hurt me FAR more than my feelings of it being "unromantic" before marriage. 

Back to this dude, please ditch him.  He's a loser.  Not to mention his hostility towards women is laughable considering his mother is probably still washing his undies and making him dinner. 

 

Fantastic!  
I would also insist on a prenup! 

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What you see,  is what you get.  This is who he is, he will not change.  
 

Can you imagine raising a family with this guy!  He would be another kid to care for.  
 

I’ m curious what your friends and family think of him? 

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