My husband says he's not happy.

[kaycharpeanmom]

I've been with my husband for 20 years. We had a couple near breakups over the years. Now he's saying that he is not happy and wants out. We have 3 teenagers and a 7 month old baby. In am attempt to persuade him to stay I started paying all the Bill s because he said I just wanted him around for the extra income. I do all the cooking and cleaning, serve him his meals, and I never ask him to be intimate. However, he is still not happy and says he wants to move out. Nothing I do is good enough. I feel like a complete failure and loser. I just dont want to feel this way anymore. 

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, kaycharpeanmom said:

 In am attempt to persuade him to stay I started paying all the Bill s because he said I just wanted him around for the extra income. I do all the cooking and cleaning, serve him his meals, and I never ask him to be intimate. However, he is still not happy and says he wants to move out. Nothing I do is good enough. 

Does this sound like a reasonable approach to marriage, OP?

You can't live this way. Being his servant, financier and never being intimate sounds miserable. Why have you two almost broken up before? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, kaycharpeanmom said:

I've been with my husband for 20 years. We had a couple near breakups over the years. Now he's saying that he is not happy and wants out. . 

Sorry this is happening. You need to contact an attorney for a consultation. Marriage is a legally binding contract. He can't just come and go on a whim.

An attorney can give you advice about your legal rights being married as well as the rights of your children for support.

Talk to trusted friends and family. His threats to leave sound manipulative. And abusive.

Only take care of yourself and your children. Let him move out. He is still financially responsible for the bills and the kids. This way you can focus in peace and carefully plan the divorce.

Have you considered that he is having affairs? As well as talking to an attorney, check your finances, credit score,bank accounts and credit cards.

[East4]

Kaycharpeanmom, I had to re-read this sentence twice, because I thought either I am not reading correctly, or you inadvertently put the wrong pronoun "I", instead of "he"

5 hours ago, kaycharpeanmom said:

I feel like a complete failure and loser.

If somebody here should feel like a failure and loser-this is your husband, not you. Looking objectively at the facts, you achieved plenty in life: raised 4 children, you obviously work if you are able to pay bills, and this while nurturing 7 month old baby; you have been able to hold a marriage together for 20 years. What I see here is a role model of a hard working, good woman and mom.

In contrast your husband strike me, like a total excuse of a man, he seems to be your 5th child: you feed him, serve him, pay bills, do not request anything from him, so he is not a man, he is just a 5th child in your household. Lose him, at least from practical and financial point of view you will be better off without him. He does not deserve a good woman like you. You are still young (I guess late 30s, early 40s), life is in front of you, you will find a man who cherishes and appreciates you. 

Problem is, losers like your husband only issue threats to leave, but when you actually let him go, they very quickly realise that they had it good with their spouse and that the grass is not greener out there. Then these type of "man-child" return back with the tail between the legs and start crying how they made a mistake and you were the love of their life and for the sake of children YOU MUST take them back. So, please, the best line of action is to calmly tell him that he is free to go and then, as another poster suggested, consult with an attorney and swiftly separate your finances from his.

Chin up. Do not let your husband manipulate you with his empty threats. Know your worth.

[boltnrun]

My guess is eventually the other woman will start pressuring him to leave you and live with her (if she hasn't already).  Paying all the bills and doing all the household chores won't work because that's not why he's behaving the way he does.  Complaining about money is his smokescreen.

I agree with the others who have advised to consult an attorney.  You want all your ducks in a row when he tells you he's leaving.

I would also presume he's consulted an attorney who told him it's "cheaper to keep her".  

[tattoobunnie]

12 hours ago, kaycharpeanmom said:

I just wanted him around for the extra income

Lady, you need to wake up and smell the bacon that you are providing.  He is a loser, but you are his sugar mamma.  I would be singing for joy to have a man-child out of the house.

Get to a lawyer asap, and make sure he forks over child support and alimony.

Even if you gave him 24/7 blow-jobs, and steak and lobster each night, he'd still be a giant unhappy man-child. It's not your job to make anyone else happy.

[SooSad33]

Increasing all you do in order to 'make him happy', won't do it... no matter what you do  😞

If they are not happy anymore, then they aren't.

You've done enough.  Don't offer to add more to it.

As mentioned, look into legal terms of separation.. and do NOT take this on as yourself failing... Many cpl's split up... just isn't working out.

[catfeeder]

We can't housekeep our way into forcing someone to love us.

My impulse would be to do the opposite. I'd tell him that I love him, but he's welcome to go live wherever he wants. In the meantime, he can cook his own food, do his own laundry and manage his own credit.

However, I'd first seek legal advice to learn my options and the best steps to take for each option. I'd rather operate on real and protective advice rather than drive my behavior on emotions alone.

Sometimes the best remedy for someone who takes us for granted is to remove the behaviors that they count on. Trying to become MORE accommodating won't work when we're already not appreciated.

Separations don't always amount to divorce. That's why I'd let him have that, and allow him to learn what living without me would actually be like.

Please don't invest your self esteem in the perceptions of one man who takes you for granted. You will thank yourself later.

Head high, and read my sig.

[maritalbliss86]

On 2/5/2021 at 11:13 AM, boltnrun said:

My guess is eventually the other woman will start pressuring him to leave you and live with her (if she hasn't already). 

I was going to point this out ^^  It sounds like he already has someone else and is just not telling you, otherwise it just doesn't make sense.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.  

[BMP2CPM]

Quote

...

and I never ask him to be intimate.

This is pretty much the opposite of what all husbands want. This is pretty much the opposite of what is important to all husbands.

I would bet money you could fix things with a five letter word.  Begins with ‘Y’ and ends with ‘Y’ AND that is all I will say about that. 

[waffle]

17 hours ago, BMP2CPM said:

I would bet money you could fix things with a five letter word.  Begins with ‘Y’ and ends with ‘Y’

????

Please do not suggest the OP puts out in addition to financially supporting him while he treats her like something he wouldn't wipe his @s$ with.  That isn't going to fix diddly.

[Hollyj]

On 2/5/2021 at 3:45 AM, MissCanuck said:

Does this sound like a reasonable approach to marriage, OP?

You can't live this way. Being his servant, financier and never being intimate sounds miserable. Why have you two almost broken up before? 

I  agree.  This sounds awful.  What do you get out of this?

[Hollyj]

17 hours ago, BMP2CPM said:

This is pretty much the opposite of what all husbands want. This is pretty much the opposite of what is important to all husbands.

I would bet money you could fix things with a five letter word.  Begins with ‘Y’ and ends with ‘Y’ AND that is all I will say about that. 

I don't get your response!

[boltnrun]

16 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I don't get your response!

How come the husband doesn't have to "change"?  Why do some men expect that the wife should always be a cheerful combination of Rachael Ray and Jenna Jamison?  While they get to sit back and not even treat her with decency and respect?

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, BMP2CPM said:

I would bet money you could fix things with a five letter word.  Begins with ‘Y’ and ends with ‘Y’ AND that is all I will say about that. 

Yucky? 🤢

[Capricorn3]

OP are you coming back to respond with an update?