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Reading something hurtful


Katwyy

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I can’t go into too much detail as I know the person in question uses this website, he actually recommended it to me a couple of years ago, not that he would remember because he was always on drugs when we would meet up. I’ve never posted on here but I’ve always read other people’s stories and got advice for myself, I have come across what I believe to be the person in question and I have just read his posts talking about his ex girlfriend that he was so in love with, before we met up and after we had met up, slept together, and continued doing so! I’m totally over all of that, it’s just hurtful to know you were used, especially when things happened during that time, like a pregnancy scare, I was only 19 / 20 at the time, so obviously a big deal to me. To be honest i shouldn’t have put up with how he treated me, we weren’t anything but ‘friends’ with benefits, minus the friends part, so I suppose he didn’t owe me anything. But his behaviour was disgusting, and I just hope it was only me he treated that way, and that no other girl had to feel so hurt and frustrated. Every girl has that one person that makes them go a bit psycho and he was mine, I was infatuated with him and in reality he was just off his face, sleeping with me and probably not even remembering in the morning, he would never talk to me sober, when I thought I was pregnant all he did was talk about an abortion, he answered the phone to one of his ex’s whilst I sat naked in his bed once! He wouldn’t even see me to the door in the morning he’d say ‘you know where the door is’ let alone offer me a lift home! - that’s just a handful of the awfulness. Since reading the posts, all I keep thinking is that I’m worthless. Like I said I’m over what happened and I have no feelings for this person, I never really did I just thought I did. I have a family now and i couldn’t ask for anything more, but I can’t get this out of my head, it’s making me feel really insecure! I feel guilty for it bothering me because I shouldn’t be thinking about him or anything that happened, but I can’t help it when I have seen posts I believe to be his! I hope one day he or someone else like him comes across this and it makes them realise that it isn’t ok to treat someone like that! It’s so damaging to someone’s self esteem even years on when they’re over the person!

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You also have to recognize that you knowingly and willingly took part in being his FWB, knowing he was "always on drugs and never sober and off his face" and didn't walk away when he treated you badly.

You say you have a family now and couldn't ask for more.  That's good.  Focus on your own family and forget about an old loser from the past.  Use that time and energy on your own family.

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3 hours ago, Katwyy said:

i shouldn’t have put up with how he treated me, we weren’t anything but ‘friends’ with benefits, minus the friends part, so I suppose he didn’t owe me anything. But his behaviour was disgusting, and I just hope it was only me he treated that way, and that no other girl had to feel so hurt and frustrated. Every girl has that one person that makes them go a bit psycho and he was mine, I was infatuated with him and in reality he was just off his face, sleeping with me and probably not even remembering in the morning, he would never talk to me sober, when I thought I was pregnant all he did was talk about an abortion, he answered the phone to one of his ex’s whilst I sat naked in his bed once! He wouldn’t even see me to the door in the morning he’d say ‘you know where the door is’ let alone offer me a lift home! - that’s just a handful of the awfulness.

Yes, you were young then and impressionable.. but, as mentioned. you became well aware of his behaviour... his ways & drug use.

Was up to you to walk away from being his FWB.  This is so common, over time we  come to learn what that is all about.

It affected you, I get it... Many people end up affected in negative ways, one way or another - when they get involved.

You are okay now, I hope.. was an experience, but you are fine now with your life.

 

Yup- some do realize what they've done, some don't care, due to their character, etc.  Nothing we can do about that... but learn, ourselves and learn from that - to try & not have it happen again.

If we choose to get involved, is a risk we're going to take.

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6 hours ago, Katwyy said:

Every girl has that one person that makes them go a bit psycho 

No. No, we don't. Where did you get this idea?

It sounds as though your self-esteem is still not in a great place, but that you need to take yourself to task more than him. Yes, he sounds like a manure-head. But you stayed, knowing he was a manure-head. So my guess is that you're understandably hurt by his behaviour, but more than that, you're angry at yourself for not staying a country mile away from this clown to begin with. 

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8 hours ago, Katwyy said:

 I know the person in question uses this website, 

How do you "know" this?  You need to move forward. What do you mean by "pregnancy scare"? 

You need to get to a doctor for STD testing as well as reliable contraception.

Never use the late period excuse to create drama or test someone or try to hang onto a guy.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you "know" this?  You need to move forward. What do you mean by "pregnancy scare"? 

You need to get to a doctor for STD testing as well as reliable contraception.

Never use the late period excuse to create drama or test someone or try to hang onto a guy.

I already did as soon as I woke up to what was going on(test) 

I wouldn’t do that, and I DID NOT do that!(pregnancy scare)

I also was on contraception but it’s not 100% effective. And I ‘know’ this because he told me.  
Also, I have moved forward, I wrote this at 3am and I regret it now, I had a moment of feeling worthless and now I’m fine. Hate those impulsive decisions!

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8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Yes, you were young then and impressionable.. but, as mentioned. you became well aware of his behaviour... his ways & drug use.

Was up to you to walk away from being his FWB.  This is so common, over time we  come to learn what that is all about.

It affected you, I get it... Many people end up affected in negative ways, one way or another - when they get involved.

You are okay now, I hope.. was an experience, but you are fine now with your life.

 

Yup- some do realize what they've done, some don't care, due to their character, etc.  Nothing we can do about that... but learn, ourselves and learn from that - to try & not have it happen again.

If we choose to get involved, is a risk we're going to take.

I completely agree, I was young and stupid! And yes I did allow it, as I stated above, and I shouldn’t have allowed it! But we live and we learn. To be honest I really don’t know why I even wrote this, I had a moment of feeling worthless last night and now I regret even writing this at all, because I’m not bothered. It was like 3am this morning when I wrote all this lol! And the only reason I’ve signed on this morning is to try and delete the post which I now know isn’t possible!

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10 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

You also have to recognize that you knowingly and willingly took part in being his FWB, knowing he was "always on drugs and never sober and off his face" and didn't walk away when he treated you badly.

You say you have a family now and couldn't ask for more.  That's good.  Focus on your own family and forget about an old loser from the past.  Use that time and energy on your own family.

Thank you for an honest but polite reply! I completely agree with you, I was young and stupid, and as I have stated in my other replies I literally had a moment at 3 am and I now regret writing this because I honestly don’t care! But yes I was aware, I didn’t even agree with drugs, and I found it pretty disgusting, so that just shows I was not in the right frame of mind! 

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11 hours ago, Katwyy said:

Also, I have moved forward, I wrote this at 3am and I regret it now, I had a moment of feeling worthless and now I’m fine. Hate those impulsive decisions!

You felt worthless so you went and made yourself feel even worse by digging up ancient history! You have to learn to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself like you would treat a cherished friend.

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On 2/4/2021 at 7:37 PM, Katwyy said:

Since reading the posts, all I keep thinking is that I’m worthless. [...] it isn’t ok to treat someone like that! It’s so damaging to someone’s self esteem even years on when they’re over the person!

My heart goes out to you. I'm confused about why you see yourself in another's writing, even while you also believe that he never cared about you enough to register you in his memory?

That's not to challenge you, but rather to understand.

One of the most helpful recognitions for me has been learning that self-esteem is NOT dependent on justice. We've all been conditioned by TV shows to believe that people who hurt others will always pay a price, but that's not accurate, and it's also not how we heal.

Self esteem is an accurate term, in that it's not 'public' esteem or 'family' esteem or 'teacher' esteem or 'lover' esteem--it's Self recognition and Self respect and acceptance, and so it can ONLY be Self-generated.

That's not a choice that's at the mercy of anyone else--once we decide that it is not.

So you went through a time in your life that you used a guy for whatever he offered, and he used you for the same, and he wasn't even kind about it. 

You can decide that this must make him a villain so you must be his victim--and you won't allow yourself to heal unless and until he grows a conscience about that.

But isn't that just a distraction from what really matters?

You don't need to 'blame' yourself for your participation in the guy's mistreatment, but you may want to question why you'd rather avoid the important work of comforting the part of yourself that continued your involvement with the guy.

Was that a challenge to turn him into a caring soul somehow? And if he wouldn't respond as you wished, you must be victimized by that?

None of this is to dismiss or diminish the pain that you associate with that time, but rather, it's to prompt consideration of what 'healing' means--and it's not dependent on him. It's a private decision. It's also a realistic thing to seek out some help navigating.

Write more if it helps, and head high.

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