Very Long Post: Anxiety, Lack of Trust, Moving Forward from Boyfriend's Past?

[xtina678]

My boyfriend (BF) (31) and I (23) have been in a relationship for 7 months and things are starting to get semi serious! I am debating moving in with him and getting a job in his town after grad school ends in May. He also wants to propose in August! This is a huge step for me, and I am getting a bit nervous about this because we had a very rocky start and I still get anxious about the things that happened in the beginning of our relationship. 

 

First, I want to mention the things that I love about him. I love his commitment to me. He has consistently been mentioning marriage to me and I haven't seen this in any the guys I have dated before me. His parents are also wonderful and I freaking love them. I also have full access to his phone (this is also a con lol) and for sure, he does not currently text anyone from his past or have weird things.

 

We had such a rocky start in the beginning of our relationship that was both of our faults which center around his past. Here is some information about them because there are a lot of people in this story and I think it will get confusing:

 

Exes:

- G4 is a high school teacher who BF dated for half a year but broke up because she wasn't really interested in him. He started dating me about six months after their breakup.

 

- G3 is a girl he dated for about a year starting in 2017. This was a long distance relationship. He was basically one step away from proposing to her right before they broke up. Apparently he texted and met up with G1 during his relationship with her as well.

 

- G2 is a girl he dated in grad school. Apparently he really really liked her but then she left and went to a different grad school.

 

-G1 was his first girlfriend and they've been friends for a while before that. 

 

Crushes:

- FZ is a "friend" who basically friend zoned him but sort of lead him on all through grad school, and he openly admitted to having a crush on. Apparently everyone in his cohort said he was in love with her, and his friends refer to her as his "baggage." He basically lived with her all throughout grad school and did relationship-like things with her. She was also his "pseudo-girlfriend" when she was on breaks between boyfriends and basically kept him around so he could help her on homework. She got married to another guy, FZH, and she would call BF to take her side whenever they were having marital issues. She was basically his "female best friend" but it was pretty sketchy.

 

-L is a girl that BF works with. BF and L got into a conversation about wanting to be friends with benefits earlier last year, but nothing ever came of it. 

 

-A is another girl that makes me feel weird about BF. BF went to college with A but nothing ever happened. She moved away and got a boyfriend who nobody really likes. However, there were multiple messages on BFs phone (before we started dating) to other people saying how he wished he had dated her, how lucky the man who is going to marry her is going to be, how he felt obligated not to support her in a relationship, etc. 

 

Briefly mentioned:

 

- DS: BF matched with her on a dating app before I got together with him.

 

- DM is a girl he was flirting with literally hours before we decided to become girlfriend and boyfriend.

 

 

My situation:

 

So the first relationship problem started with FZ. BF would always bring this girl up in pretty much every conversation we had. I was getting annoyed with it because it sounded like he was reminiscing on weird things that they did together. One example is he talked about the time when he picked a fight with a guy at a bar because he offended her. Another time he told me about the time he fell asleep on the couch with her and they woke up holding hands. And then he told me about her crazy ex and how he took her in when she finally got the nerve to break up with him. These stories would be told to me multiple times. I even started playing a game with myself to see how soon he would bring her up in a conversation. 

 

FZ then started to say weird things about our relationship. She called our relationship stupid, and when BF confronted her about it, she said that she was "neutral" to us being together and that she didn't have time yet to make up her mind if I was good enough for BF. She never said that she was happy for BF. Then, she started commenting and basically staking her ground on every social media post that BF made. It got even weirder when she started messaging me little things that she knew about him that I didn't know yet.

 

I got upset about FZ and basically told BF that (1) I didn't want to hear about her in conversation again and (2) if he was going to be friends with her then he had to either get her to apologize/stop being disrespectful or just stop being friends with her altogether. BF agreed that she was being rude and not acting like a friend at all, and he blocked her everywhere and doesn't speak to her anymore. He didn't really confront her about it but she is out of the picture so I feel fine about it now.

 

The next thing that happened was L. I noticed that he was texting L a lot, and he basically told me about how they discussed being friends with benefits in the past. I was uncomfortable and set the boundary that I didn't want them to hang out one on one and that they should text during the day. That went well until, whenever BF would talk about me, she would just completely ignore the comment and not reply until BF sent something with a different subject. I think that was a bit disrespectful to our relationship, and I told him that basically I wan't really comfortable with him talking to her at all given their history. At first he wasn't okay with the boundary, saying "I only talk to her because of work." (Not true since their texts are completely non work related) We decided to agree that they only communicate professionally through email, and that is working fine for both of us.

 

I am very happy about BF respecting those boundaries with FZ and L. 

 

The next issue was that I started finding random things of G3s old stuff in his house. I guess BF was not very proactive about getting rid of her old stuff, but it hurt seeing her clothes, old receipts of him buying her stuff, her old bible, etc. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but I guess it kept slipping his mind. After reminding him to get rid of her stuff multiple times, this turned into me yelling at him and he finally threw out the stuff. A similar issue that followed from this is that he had a bunch of pictures on social media from exes that made me uncomfortable and that we agreed on him deleting, but then I felt like I had to nag him after that to actually go through with it.

 

Another issue then came. I basically started noticing that he was sort of comparing me to his exes in passing. For example, he would tell me "you actually want to hang out with me, not like G4." Or he would say "we actually communicate. G2 was a communications major and she couldn't even communicate." Or he would say that he never thought about marriage until I came along (which ended up being untrue when I found out about him almost proposing to G3). He told me about DS and told me "I turned down a lawyer for you!!" He also would just mention his exes randomly when he talked a lot and that would get me upset. I was getting so much information, like about how he "messed around" with a girl on the bus in high school and how he had sex on the floor with an ex in her room so her parents wouldn't hear. I heard all about these girls, like how one was Catholic and he was prepared to have six kids with her and he basically told me he took one of his exes virginity. Again,I told him that I was uncomfortable with that, and now he is doing a pretty good job of keeping that under control. 

 

I think at this point I felt very overwhelmed because I had never seen so many issues with other girls pop up in my past relationships. BF did tell me that I could go through his phone any time, so I took that really REALLY far and snooped through all his messages from like, the past three years. This snooping happened multiple times and I told him every time I snooped. This is obviously wrong for me to do, and I got a bunch of information that I think I shouldn't know. 

 

I learned from the messages about DS and A. I also saw old messages he had with all of his girlfriends and it basically pieced together all the information that I had about them from his stories about them. I learned that BF had hardly any conflict with them and even TMI information like that he had unprotected sex with one of them (which doesn't really bother me, it just reminds me of a very detailed conversation he had saying that he wanted to do that with me where he described exactly what would happen and now my brain is like, wow, does he know from experience or??). I also learned that two months before we started dating, he messaged all of his exes trying to spark a conversation.

 

So basically, every time I told him about snooping through his phone, I would get upset about the little things that I learned and this would upset him. I basically was getting so insecure whenever I read the messages that I craved his validation and I would interrogate him about his past in hopes that he told me something negative about his exes. The thing is, all his girls are very similar in looks and personality, and I don't fit that standard at all, so it was making me insecure since I was comparing myself to them. I eventually realized that what I was doing was wrong, and the interrogating has stopped on my end.

 

So now, things have leveled out, but I still can't help feeling anxious all the time. My brain comes up with scenarios (like A breaking up with her boyfriend and moving to his town, then him creating an emotional connection with her and then emotionally cheating on me, or that we will do something that he did with an ex and it won't be as good) that make me feel like I'm going crazy. I have so much anxiety about things that I fear will happen in the future that its blinding my own judgement on whether I trust him or not. 

 

BF would never cheat on me but I fear that he does not process his past relationships and drags it into our relationship. I fear that he is not over his exes and that he is comparing me to them in his head. 

 

Now that it is coming closer to the point where I may be moving in with him, I am scared. Part of me feels that without him around, I would rather move to Florida and start a job in warmer weather. I am afraid that we won't work out and that I will be stuck in his town in Maryland for a few years before I can make another move. 

 

Am I suffering from retroactive jealousy? Am I suffering from really bad anxiety? Should I be with him if I don't fully trust him right now? Am I doing anything on my end to add to this feeling/ our problems? I feel so confused and would definitely like a third party opinion.

[MissCanuck]

Good grief. 

Any time you can rattle off a whole list of women in your boyfriend's past, there is a problem in the relationship.  You know way too much about all these women, and it's a symptom of a bigger issues between you and him. He's sharing far too much and it feels....belgh. Shady. 

He likes feeling wanted by these women, and he wants to make sure you know he's "been around" and "chose" you. That in an of itself is a red flag. The other issue is that he kept them around at the beginning of your relationship. Him bringing up his past conquests a lot is gross. He lacks discretion and respect for you, and frankly sounds rather immature for 31 years old (39 here)

And this talk of marriage - at just 7 months, what is the rush? I don't know OP, I get the sense that this guy is desperate to get married and seem like "the man," and he's pushing it for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't uproot my whole life for him, no. Too  many red flags. 

[Capricorn3]

41 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Good grief. 

Any time you can rattle off a whole list of women in your boyfriend's past, there is a problem in the relationship.  You know way too much about all these women, and it's a symptom of a bigger issues between you and him. He's sharing far too much and it feels....belgh. Shady. 

He likes feeling wanted by these women, and he wants to make sure you know he's "been around" and "chose" you. That in an of itself is a red flag. The other issue is that he kept them around at the beginning of your relationship. Him bringing up his past conquests a lot is gross. He lacks discretion and respect for you, and frankly sounds rather immature for 31 years old (39 here)

And this talk of marriage - at just 7 months, what is the rush? I don't know OP, I get the sense that this guy is desperate to get married and seem like "the man," and he's pushing it for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't uproot my whole life for him, no. Too  many red flags. 

^ I agree with the above post in its entirety.

OP, you ask: ...." Should I be with him if I don't fully trust him right now? "

My answer would be NO.  Way too many red flags waving around and you should take heed.  Your biggest cue is your subject title.  Already ANXIETY and LACK OF TRUST in only seven months? Without trust you have nothing. Yeah, that's your cue to head in the opposite direction.  The sooner the better.  Whatever you do, please do NOT talk marriage with this guy. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, xtina678 said:

My boyfriend (BF) (31) and I (23) have been in a relationship for 7 months and things are starting to get semi serious! I am debating moving in with him and getting a job in his town after grad school ends in May. He also wants to propose in August! 

 

We had such a rocky start in the beginning of our relationship that was both of our faults which center around his past. 

Sorry this is happening. Huge red flags. There is zero commitment.  He wants you to move to him. He wants a live in GF for convenience.

He is Not proposing, he is Talking. Proposing is proposing. Marrying is marrying.

What he's doing using a lot of string along talk.

You seem utterly fooled by a lot talk.

Access to his phone? Huge red flags. That means he a lot to hide, so configured things , like a teething ring for you to chew on.

This is also the groundwork to have control over you and access to your devices. A digital leash.

Those are the main red flags. All the women you are jealous of is just nonsense.

Focus on finishing your school, getting great grades, excellent recommendations, looking for work where You and your family live, etc.

Do you currently live with roommates or parents? Focus on financial independence. Your car, phone, own place.

Why be this man's live in convenient sex and housekeeper, when you could have your own place and date men who don't want you to make all the compromises for their convenience.

Talk to trusted friends and family. Talk about all the red flags for a controlling, unhappy, relationship.

Slow way down. 7mos is the time to observe someone, not plan a faux wedding based on string along talk and how amazing the future will be (even though the present is rocky and unhappy).

[Tinydance]

Why not go to Florida and enjoy the beach and sunshine? Lol It really sounds to me like the relationship started off on the wrong foot straight away and you've both contributed to that. It's ironic because your boyfriend talks about marriage but yet he doesn't actually seem that committed to you or even his previous girlfriends. He was still talking to someone he was going to be FWB with and an ex (or love interest?) He still had a lot of his ex's things and he wasn't even throwing them out after you mentioned it many times. All these things point to the fact that your boyfriend is a bit of a ladies man and he likes to have all these women around.

However, you went through his whole phone going back three years. In my opinion that's not very normal. Understandably you were worried about those women you knew of. But going through three years worth of messages sounds like you're over the top jealous and insecure. Why do you actually want to know anything about his ex's yourself? You shouldn't actually know all that information!

Through snooping those messages you know some really personal things about your boyfriend and his ex's that you shouldn't actually know. Like that he had unprotected sex with an ex. WHY do you need to know that! Really by raiding his phone you've brought this upon yourself because now you're jealous of things you shouldn't even be jealous about. Keep in mind that until seven months ago your boyfriend wasn't even dating you, so he was free to do whatever he wanted. That's why you weren't meant to know all these private things going back three years ago, because he wasn't even your boyfriend then.

 

[xtina678]

7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Good grief. 

Any time you can rattle off a whole list of women in your boyfriend's past, there is a problem in the relationship.  You know way too much about all these women, and it's a symptom of a bigger issues between you and him. He's sharing far too much and it feels....belgh. Shady. 

He likes feeling wanted by these women, and he wants to make sure you know he's "been around" and "chose" you. That in an of itself is a red flag. The other issue is that he kept them around at the beginning of your relationship. Him bringing up his past conquests a lot is gross. He lacks discretion and respect for you, and frankly sounds rather immature for 31 years old (39 here)

And this talk of marriage - at just 7 months, what is the rush? I don't know OP, I get the sense that this guy is desperate to get married and seem like "the man," and he's pushing it for the wrong reasons. I wouldn't uproot my whole life for him, no. Too  many red flags. 

I agree that he really wants to get married... it’s definitely weird that he talks about marriage so much. I think his family has a history of getting engaged within months so maybe he feels like he has to do the same? Sometimes I feel like he’s with me just because I was the one who finally agreed to be with him... 
 

I think this “rush” feeling is caused by my current job situation. I’m almost done grad school and I feel like I’m at a crossroads where I could move to Maryland to be with him, or move to Florida since I originally wanted to live near the beach. I feel like I have to make this decision soon and it’s really tough.

[xtina678]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Huge red flags. There is zero commitment.  He wants you to move to him. He wants a live in GF for convenience.

He is Not proposing, he is Talking. Proposing is proposing. Marrying is marrying.

What he's doing using a lot of string along talk.

You seem utterly fooled by a lot talk.

Access to his phone? Huge red flags. That means he a lot to hide, so configured things , like a teething ring for you to chew on.

This is also the groundwork to have control over you and access to your devices. A digital leash.

Those are the main red flags. All the women you are jealous of is just nonsense.

Focus on finishing your school, getting great grades, excellent recommendations, looking for work where You and your family live, etc.

Do you currently live with roommates or parents? Focus on financial independence. Your car, phone, own place.

Why be this man's live in convenient sex and housekeeper, when you could have your own place and date men who don't want you to make all the compromises for their convenience.

Talk to trusted friends and family. Talk about all the red flags for a controlling, unhappy, relationship.

Slow way down. 7mos is the time to observe someone, not plan a faux wedding based on string along talk and how amazing the future will be (even though the present is rocky and unhappy).

Thank you so much for replying! He does seem very serious about proposing in August but I guess he hasn’t done anything to prepare for it (like spending time with my family, buying a ring, etc). 

I am also currently staying with him at his parents place because of Corona making both of our jobs online. So I think he does have the convenience of having me around. I think I have been mistakenly thinking of my wanting to be where he is as something that makes me a better girlfriend... like, my greatest asset or something. That’s not right.

With taking things slow, I don’t know if slow can even be an option... I have to move out of my apartment in May and I have to find a job before that too... it’s a big commitment to him on my end if I decide to do that in his town. What can I do to tap the brakes on this relationship?

[xtina678]

25 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

Why not go to Florida and enjoy the beach and sunshine? Lol It really sounds to me like the relationship started off on the wrong foot straight away and you've both contributed to that. It's ironic because your boyfriend talks about marriage but yet he doesn't actually seem that committed to you or even his previous girlfriends. He was still talking to someone he was going to be FWB with and an ex (or love interest?) He still had a lot of his ex's things and he wasn't even throwing them out after you mentioned it many times. All these things point to the fact that your boyfriend is a bit of a ladies man and he likes to have all these women around.

However, you went through his whole phone going back three years. In my opinion that's not very normal. Understandably you were worried about those women you knew of. But going through three years worth of messages sounds like you're over the top jealous and insecure. Why do you actually want to know anything about his ex's yourself? You shouldn't actually know all that information!

Through snooping those messages you know some really personal things about your boyfriend and his ex's that you shouldn't actually know. Like that he had unprotected sex with an ex. WHY do you need to know that! Really by raiding his phone you've brought this upon yourself because now you're jealous of things you shouldn't even be jealous about. Keep in mind that until seven months ago your boyfriend wasn't even dating you, so he was free to do whatever he wanted. That's why you weren't meant to know all these private things going back three years ago, because he wasn't even your boyfriend then.

 

The relationship definitely went south because of both of us. I definitely contributed by snooping through his phone!! And I agree, I am definitely very jealous and insecure. I think it’s because I still am working on not needing constant validation from others to feel good about myself. 
 

I do agree that it’s ironic that there is a lot of talk about marriage when his actions are questionable. I am curious, I think I’m blinded by the situation but how does having his exes clothes lying around make him not committed?

Answering your Florida question, basically if I move to Florida in May we’re going to break up because BF has a very stable job as a professor there and the job market is closed up because of corona. I feel like I have to make the decision fast because of this :(( 

[boltnrun]

You've been a combination of mother and parole officer to him. Not sexy or appealing.

And he's trying to fast track the relationship for some reason. Already living together at his parents' home? Talking marriage? Whoa Nelly!

No wonder you're stressed and anxious. Your subconscious (and conscious) knows this is not good. Too much, too soon, too much drama.

So is it either move to Maryland with him or breakup? Again, too much pressure.

Why can't you take a short term rental in Maryland near him and see how it goes? If you hate it there and/or the relationship fizzles, at least you'd have your own place to go to. And you could make plans to move to Florida without a bunch of messy disentanglements.

[DancingFool]

Don't sidetrack your life for a guy who is as shady as this one. He is not your one and he is manipulating you. Talking and trying to fast track and pressure a relationship like that is a red flag bigger than China.

Focus on getting the right job and that should really be your #1 priority. Being realistic, you might get one in FL or somewhere else in the country. If you aren't applying and looking yet, you need to be right now. Too late to start looking in May. Companies are hiring upcoming graduates right now. Focus on the job because that will set up your career...or lack of. Location should be your secondary priority. 

If you can get the job where you want it, great, but again, be practical and pragmatic. Choose your career when you are just starting out and you'll thank yourself later.

As for the relationship, while he is making it out to be an all or nothing, now or never pressure cooker, it's not really so. There is no rush to get married. You can move and pursue your career for a year or two and you can do long distance or he can move to you. If your entire relationship is predicated on constantly being together and policing each other.....it's already doomed to fail because that is toxic. You also realize yourself that you need some breathing room to grown as a person for your own sake. Do it. Give yourself that breathing room and if he gives you an ultimatum like him or else, choose or else and walk away.

Whatever you do, do not jump into moving in with him, marriage, etc when you barely know him at 7 months and literally everything you've said about him stinks like rotten fish. You have access to his phone...ever heard of burner phones???? Wiseman is right that you are being pacified with one thing while he can be doing a million other things behind your back. You realize yourself that dangling marriage in front of your nose is creepy and even worse if he is serious about it. Keeping you off balance, rush rush, don't stop and think is manipulation 101.

Personally, I suspect that if you choose to step back from the faux pressure cooker, you'll feel relief and will come to your own conclusion pretty fast that this relationship was all kinds of wrong for you.

[SooSad33]

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

My boyfriend (BF) (31) and I (23) have been in a relationship for 7 months and things are starting to get semi serious

 

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

We had such a rocky start in the beginning of our relationship that was both of our faults which center around his past.

 

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

G3 is a girl he dated for about a year starting in 2017. This was a long distance relationship. He was basically one step away from proposing to her right before they broke up. Apparently he texted and met up with G1 during his relationship with her as well.

 

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

L is a girl that BF works with. BF and L got into a conversation about wanting to be friends with benefits earlier last year, but nothing ever came of it. 

 

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

So the first relationship problem started with FZ. BF would always bring this girl up in pretty much every conversation we had. I was getting annoyed

Okay.. IMO... these are all Red flags.

 

And, who cares what HIS friends have to say about you?

As mentioned.. you know way too much- look what it has done to you now?  Some things we just don't need to know - for our own good! ( or it does this... causes concerns)

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

I guess BF was not very proactive about getting rid of her old stuff, but it hurt seeing her clothes, old receipts of him buying her stuff, her old bible, etc. I told him I was uncomfortable with it, but I guess it kept slipping his mind. After reminding him to get rid of her stuff multiple times, this turned into me yelling at him and he finally threw out the stuff. A similar issue that followed from this is that he had a bunch of pictures on social media from exes that made me uncomfortable and that we agreed on him deleting, but then I felt like I had to nag him after that to actually go through with it.

This has nothing to do with YOU.  You crossed the line there...

I have stuff from my past... No one controls me, no matter who I date, to get rid of my history & memories... That's a little too much... and say, you two split?  Then he tossed his memories out- for why?  😞

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

started noticing that he was sort of comparing me to his exes in passing. For example, he would tell me "you actually want to hang out with me, not like G4." Or he would say "we actually communicate. G2 was a communications major and she couldn't even communicate." Or he would say that he never thought about marriage until I came along (which ended up being untrue when I found out about him almost proposing to G3). He told me about DS and told me "I turned down a lawyer for you!!" He also would just mention his exes randomly when he talked a lot and that would get me upset.

And you would actually consider marrying this?  

 

13 hours ago, xtina678 said:

Am I suffering from retroactive jealousy? Am I suffering from really bad anxiety? Should I be with him if I don't fully trust him right now? Am I doing anything on my end to add to this feeling/ our problems?

Jealousy - yes

Anxiety - yes

Be with him - No

YOU did a lot... you read his whole past!

And now, you don't TRUST... There's too much negative done now.

HE is not stable... he's set you off in many ways.  He's not good news.

YOU are 23?  You are just getting going with your life- HE is now in his 30's.. He is quite a bit ahead of you.

I do not feel he is for you... this will not end well.

Do your move to Florida... do not agree to something like Marriage to someone like this, who is causing you so much anxiety & grief 😞 

If you go thru all of the red flags I highlighted... fact he compares you to other ex's... Fact, he has considered proposing to another woman as well.

Shows he's all over the board...  You've only been involved 7 months!  You don't know the guy at all.. And his track record is far from impressive.

Al you have learned shows you a lot of how he is... jumping one to another too fast.. not over the other one's.. Messed up 😞 

I am pretty sure- this will NOT end well.

For a successful relationship, you need respect, communication, trust.. and to 'build; on your relationship.. to have it flourish.

You guys are far from this.

You both have issue's.. which is guaranteeing no success - only problems.

Get away from this mess - for your own good.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, xtina678 said:

I am also currently staying with him at his parents place because of Corona making both of our jobs online. 

Your jobs being online doesn't really explain why you're both living at his parents' house. 

Did he not already live on his own? Didn't you?

This relationship is all way too much, way too soon. 

[xtina678]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Your jobs being online doesn't really explain why you're both living at his parents' house. 

Did he not already live on his own? Didn't you?

This relationship is all way too much, way too soon. 

Oh, I didn’t realize how confusing that sounded. So both me and BF have our own places. I have a place at school in Virginia, and BF has his place in Maryland. Since our jobs went online, I started staying at his place for a while. The thing is, BF does not like the town he is in right now and is planning on moving to his parents town in Maryland when the job market opens up. Since he likes it in his parents town, we are staying at his parents place indefinitely until our jobs become in person again.

And I agree, I think I am feeling very overwhelmed about how much it is in such a short amount of time.

[Tinydance]

54 minutes ago, xtina678 said:

Oh, I didn’t realize how confusing that sounded. So both me and BF have our own places. I have a place at school in Virginia, and BF has his place in Maryland. Since our jobs went online, I started staying at his place for a while. The thing is, BF does not like the town he is in right now and is planning on moving to his parents town in Maryland when the job market opens up. Since he likes it in his parents town, we are staying at his parents place indefinitely until our jobs become in person again.

And I agree, I think I am feeling very overwhelmed about how much it is in such a short amount of time.

Well to me it sounds like the relationship is not really that healthy. The phone thing in my opinion is really bad. Honestly if I was on either end of it I would feel really weird about it. If my partner said to me I can go through their phone as much as I want, I would be thinking why? Do they have no boundaries or actually have something to hide? And if my partner went through my phone going back three years, I would feel very uncomfortable and even angry. Going through the phone is irrelevant and it's also a breach of trust. The fact that you spent time going through all the messages and going so far back, reading about his past sex life, personal messages. No, no, no, no. What kind of relationship starts out like that, snooping through the phone extensively?

I think either your boyfriend is not the right person for you because he gave you too many reasons not to trust him. Or you have serious jealousy and insecurity issues and you need to work on that before trying to be in a relationship. 

After only seven months you talked about getting married but the relationship already started on a very shaky foundation and lots of mistrust and jealousy. In my opinion it's very unhealthy if in future your boyfriend will be letting you look at his phone and you will be doing that. I think it'll cause a lot of issues.

[Rose Mosse]

While he has a right to date whom he pleases or keep the company he wants to keep I think his actions and interactions with these other women show a man that's too caught up in things that shouldn't matter if he's designing a long term future with you. 

They're all really petty interactions and shallow from the sounds of it. Some of it is quite rude, comments from one of his friends etc about your relationship. 

I'd look less at the minute details and look at the bigger picture at what all these interactions mean. What kind of person does this person comprise of? What do his interactions testify to? What type of person is he overall? Is he as shallow as all of the things he does or the company he continues to keep? 

You get to decide always what kind of future you want for yourself. 

 

[xtina678]

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well to me it sounds like the relationship is not really that healthy. The phone thing in my opinion is really bad. Honestly if I was on either end of it I would feel really weird about it. If my partner said to me I can go through their phone as much as I want, I would be thinking why? Do they have no boundaries or actually have something to hide? And if my partner went through my phone going back three years, I would feel very uncomfortable and even angry. Going through the phone is irrelevant and it's also a breach of trust. The fact that you spent time going through all the messages and going so far back, reading about his past sex life, personal messages. No, no, no, no. What kind of relationship starts out like that, snooping through the phone extensively?

I think either your boyfriend is not the right person for you because he gave you too many reasons not to trust him. Or you have serious jealousy and insecurity issues and you need to work on that before trying to be in a relationship. 

After only seven months you talked about getting married but the relationship already started on a very shaky foundation and lots of mistrust and jealousy. In my opinion it's very unhealthy if in future your boyfriend will be letting you look at his phone and you will be doing that. I think it'll cause a lot of issues.

Yes, I definitely feel really bad about going through his phone so far back. I've thankfully stopped that, and I cringe thinking about how I went through old messages seeking validation.

From reading the comments, I think I do have serious jealousy and insecurity issues. I have a therapist and we've been working on that since I told her about the situation a few months ago... but I think you have a point in that maybe it would be better for me to work on those issues outside of a relationship. 

I have stopped looking through old messages, and BF has stopped the comparisons and shady relationships with other women. Do you think, since this has happened, that it the relationship is on an upward track and is able to be mended?

[xtina678]

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

While he has a right to date whom he pleases or keep the company he wants to keep I think his actions and interactions with these other women show a man that's too caught up in things that shouldn't matter if he's designing a long term future with you. 

They're all really petty interactions and shallow from the sounds of it. Some of it is quite rude, comments from one of his friends etc about your relationship. 

I'd look less at the minute details and look at the bigger picture at what all these interactions mean. What kind of person does this person comprise of? What do his interactions testify to? What type of person is he overall? Is he as shallow as all of the things he does or the company he continues to keep? 

You get to decide always what kind of future you want for yourself. 

 

Thank you for the advice. I don't think I have been focusing on the bigger picture.

Part of me thinks that BF does not "get" some conventional social things that I think most people do in relationships. Like, I feel that his behavior might have been because he simply just didn't know what is right and wrong in a relationship. The problems that I have talked about in the post aren't actively being made right now. So, looking at everything, maybe I just had to teach him what I personally wanted in a relationship, but after that he adheres to the boundaries that we have set.

Nevertheless, the anxiety is still there...

[boltnrun]

14 hours ago, xtina678 said:

Thank you for the advice. I don't think I have been focusing on the bigger picture.

Part of me thinks that BF does not "get" some conventional social things that I think most people do in relationships. Like, I feel that his behavior might have been because he simply just didn't know what is right and wrong in a relationship. The problems that I have talked about in the post aren't actively being made right now. So, looking at everything, maybe I just had to teach him what I personally wanted in a relationship, but after that he adheres to the boundaries that we have set.

Nevertheless, the anxiety is still there...

Please, he knows it's wrong to behave that way in a relationship.  That's just a story you're telling yourself to "justify" staying with him.

Look, you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you're choosing to stay with him.  If you think you are the one who needs to "change" and you're assigning yourself the "blame" for the things he's done or you're making excuses for him, I would conclude that you really want to hold onto this relationship and will find reasons (excuses?) to do so. But again, it's your life and you have the absolute right to make your own choices.

I will advise if you do choose to marry him you must do so with your eyes wide open.  You shouldn't be surprised if the contact with other women and the behaviors that cause you anxiety now continue in the marriage.  Also, remember if you CHOOSE to give up your dream of living somewhere warm near the ocean you can't blame him for that or use it as leverage ("I gave up Florida for you!!").

[Rose Mosse]

You may need a little more time. Get engaged if you want but leave off marrying someone until you have your anxiety under control or feel better overall about your future. Whether it's chicken or the egg or you or him that's the problem, you always want to feel a bit better before starting your life with someone. 

There is no harm in giving it more time. Set a limit for yourself - maybe a year from now and re-evaluate. 

If you are rushing or feel like it's a rush to proceed due to your own pressures on yourself, ask yourself why? Sometimes we don't know why we feel anxiety until we examine more closely the limitations we unconsciously or subconsciously set on ourselves. 

[Andrina]

What a person speaks of shows what's on their mind, of course. Some people are constantly talking about politics because that is what interests them.

Your man speaks all too often about other women. Whether these women are still in communication, or he hangs out with them, or if they are in memory only, it's like he has his own personal harem in person and in his mind, and likes it that way. There are certain guys, one I very briefly dated many moons ago until I found that out, who are never satisfied with being emotionally monogamous with one woman.

Having lived a life twice as long as you on planet Earth, my advice would be to let go of something that's caused you so much stress, and don't let his momentary changes fool you. You're barely out of the honeymoon stage. His relationship history stinks. I, for one, wouldn't feel comfortable with a guy who'd sought out a FWB situation, but you might have different views on that.

Have you ever acted this bonkers, looking into another guy's phone before? Doesn't sound like it. With the right man, you're usually a better version of yourself, and a good guy brings out the best in you. Think of the effect he's had on you.

Yup, you feel like Florida (where I live) is where you want to be so listen to your gut. If you need any pointers about the best towns to live in, just shoot me a line and I'm happy to assist!