Jump to content

Boyfriend says no to cats.


Recommended Posts

My little update on my kitty: My friend came over last weekend to say hi, outside, social distancing. Kitty jumped into the upper floor window to see what was going on. My friend started talking to the cat and kitty pawed at the glass. She recognized my friend immediately. They haven't seen each other in over a year. Kitty still misses her old mom.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, update on the situation. I tried to come up with compromises for the cats. Like putting them in the utility room or making them completely outside cats. He did not want to even try that. So given his ultimatum, I had to end it. I feel silly being a 31 year old adult, breaking up over animals, especially since he's such a great guy other wise. But, he wouldn't even try it. It's been a rough day. 😔

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't even see why you would be willing to do these things -- if they are used to living inside, it is unkind and likely unsafe to make them outdoor cats. And making them live in the utility room? That is also unkind. You shouldn't feel silly breaking up with someone over animals, they are family. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/3/2021 at 3:18 PM, Laurafrances said:

.We are both in our 30s and have been together for a little over a year. I can stay at my house as long as I need to.  resentment can most definitely ruin a relationship.

Good you ended it. Moving in with him was too soon and too complicated. 

There was no "compromise", so you are better off staying in your own place.

Unfortunately it seems like the relationship was falling apart somehow and this was the final straw.

For example, if things were compatible, you could still be together without rushing into moving in.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow... For a community that's typically so empathetic in its responses, I'm blown away by how many of these replies seem to be unfairly vilifying the author's boyfriend and showing more compassion for her cat than for a human being.

Cat allergies are a real thing. They impact about 15% of the population (and about 30% of those who suffer from asthma). In most cases, they're not—contrary to what's been suggested by some in this thread—easily preventable by simply popping a pill. Even allergy shots provide little to no relief for nearly half of patients who try them and permanent relief to only a small fraction (and they're quite expensive, with many insurance plans not covering the costs).

While the author didn't provide a ton of detail from her partner's perspective, as someone who's allergic to cats, I can relate to the situation in which it sounds like he finds himself. I've dated several women who had cats, and my most recent relationship was with a partner who was a cat owner. We fell for each other pretty quickly, and within a couple months, we found ourselves spending most nights together. Because of my allergies, we slept at my place most of the time. I knew that could be stressful and inconvenient for her, and I cared about her deeply, so I made the effort to stay with her at her place from time to time.

Whenever I did, the cat hair and dander would cause my eyes to swell up, water, turn bright red, and itch incessantly and my nose to run constantly, leading me to sleep very poorly and struggle through work the next day. Some of that hair and dander would stick to my clothes, often causing these symptoms to follow me to the office and to my own apartment. Yes, allergy pills do provide some relief, but the non-drowsy ones don't work terribly well (for me anyway) and the drowsy ones make me so tired it's difficult to focus and be productive at my job.

My partner and I loved each other very much. I appreciated the sacrifices she made to stay at my place in spite of it being less convenient for her, and she appreciated the sacrifices I made to stay at her place in spite of how uncomfortable my allergies made me when doing so.

It's unclear whether the author's partner truly gave her an "ultimatum," but when my girlfriend and I reached the point of having conversations about living together, we went into those conversations with a mutual understanding that it would unfortunately not work for her cat to be a part of that equation. It was difficult for both of us to talk about her cat's future; she loved the cat very much, and I understood this and felt awful that my allergies were the cause of her needing to find another home for the cat if we were to move in together.

As far as "incompatibilities" go, we all have things we can live with in a partner and things we can't. If the author were 100% certain there's no circumstance in which she'd part ways with a pet for a life partner, I'd agree with the suggestion that she should talk about this early on with anyone she dates—and she should understand that this stance is eliminating a considerable chunk of the population from even being a possible match for her. But if, as with most things in life, it's not that black-and-white an issue and there are scenarios in which not having a cat might be a sacrifice she could envision herself eventually making for the right person, I fear some of the shortsighted feedback in this thread may have encouraged her to make a terrible mistake.

Laurafrances, I'm not advising you what to do—in the end, we all have our own priorities and make our own decisions—but reading between the lines of what you've shared, I strongly disagree with those who've suggested your boyfriend is being unreasonable or heartless. Beyond what you've written, I don't know anything about you or your partner or your relationship... but if, as you say, he's an "amazing boyfriend" and the two of you truly love each other and are compatible partners in every meaningful way, I hope this post perhaps helps you consider his perspective.

  • Like 1
  • Thanks 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks for your prospective Anonymous82. I do try to be a fair person. Which is another reason I came here. To have views from people who are looking from the outside who do not know me.

I guess I can be more clear. He lived with me a short period of time until he found his house. A lot of mornings when he woke he would sneeze several times and that was it as far as allergies. which was not bad and not every morning.

The boyfriends main concern is the cost of the cats scratching things, like furniture and carpet. Which I understand. he did give me an ultimatum of you can come live me but not the cats. And pretty much if we don't move in together then what is the point of dating anymore? 

I tired coming up with compromises. The house he brought is 3000 sqft. I asked to put them in the utility room. I suggested putting them outside. I asked my parents and a friend if they would take them. So I could visit them and they would not feel abandoned. But both said. "We need to figure things out". 

I do not love the cats more than him. I am afraid I will regret that our relationship ended over an animal. But, I do love myself. I do not know if I would could live with myself if I just dropped them off with someone I do not know or something like that. And when he comes down to it, he wasn't even willing to try. From the beginning of the issue, he decided that I wasn't worth trying. So, why would I chose my cats I've had 6 years for a man who would not even try to let the cats live there?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But for some of us our pets ARE family and very loved. My mom is deathly allergic to cats as in her throat starts to close, but she wanted me to give up my cats for her to visit me once a year . Um, no. And the more immobile she has become she hasn’t been here in almost 3 years. So I would have given up my pets for..... me to travel to see her. I know it is not the same as living with a partner. But I wouldn’t live with someone who couldn’t have pets or didn’t want to have pets for whatever reason. 
 

I am allergic to cats and my asthma is worse because of them but I love my babies. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You made the right decision. This isn't about who you love more or dumping him over cats - that's just noise. The issue is and has always been compatibility. There are literally millions of great guys out there who will love you AND your pets. 

If you take a step back, someone who will use you and live with you when he is down and then buy a house for himself and start acting like king and lord and tell you that now you cannot have this or that....isn't really such a good human being. I suspect that deep down you already know this and that drove your decision. You might feel sad for awhile, but ultimately you made the right decision to walk away from a person like that.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, Laurafrances said:

Thanks for your prospective Anonymous82. I do try to be a fair person. Which is another reason I came here. To have views from people who are looking from the outside who do not know me.

I guess I can be more clear. He lived with me a short period of time until he found his house. A lot of mornings when he woke he would sneeze several times and that was it as far as allergies. which was not bad and not every morning.

The boyfriends main concern is the cost of the cats scratching things, like furniture and carpet. Which I understand. he did give me an ultimatum of you can come live me but not the cats. And pretty much if we don't move in together then what is the point of dating anymore? 

I tired coming up with compromises. The house he brought is 3000 sqft. I asked to put them in the utility room. I suggested putting them outside. I asked my parents and a friend if they would take them. So I could visit them and they would not feel abandoned. But both said. "We need to figure things out". 

I do not love the cats more than him. I am afraid I will regret that our relationship ended over an animal. But, I do love myself. I do not know if I would could live with myself if I just dropped them off with someone I do not know or something like that. And when he comes down to it, he wasn't even willing to try. From the beginning of the issue, he decided that I wasn't worth trying. So, why would I chose my cats I've had 6 years for a man who would not even try to let the cats live there?

I agree you are not compatible. If he wants to live with a partner (this is fair), it shouldn't have to be you.

I find it cruel to put them outside only or in a utility room. They would be confused, disoriented and have all kinds of other mental issues and separation anxiety over time. This is too cruel to think of or imagine. 

 

 

 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Suddenly putting cats outside who have always been indoor cats could literally be a death sentence for them. They could be attacked by other cats or hunted for food and they wouldn't know how to defend themselves properly. And locking them into a room? Um, no.

You are not reducing your dating pool by a significant amount. And even if you were, wouldn't you want to date an animal lover anyway?? Being a selective dater is a good thing!

I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out. But there is likely a more compatible person in your future.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

5 hours ago, Seraphim said:

But for some of us our pets ARE family and very loved. My mom is deathly allergic to cats as in her throat starts to close, but she wanted me to give up my cats for her to visit me once a year . Um, no. And the more immobile she has become she hasn’t been here in almost 3 years. So I would have given up my pets for..... me to travel to see her. I know it is not the same as living with a partner. But I wouldn’t live with someone who couldn’t have pets or didn’t want to have pets for whatever reason. 
 

I am allergic to cats and my asthma is worse because of them but I love my babies. 

I personally believe that being a pet owner is a responsibility and commitment.   It isn't a part time convenience.  

My 14 yr old cat recently needed an expensive medical treatment.  I was shocked on how a couple people asked me how I would justify spending that on *a cat.  I asked them if it was a dog would it make a difference.  Interesting how people view cats as not as deserving.

I signed up for this and when I did I committed to a responsibility to care of a small creature that is dependent on me.  Even when it's less than convenient.

The only thing that might have swayed me in your situation, was that the cats would go to your parents.  Anything less is a no.

I dated someone who after a divorce was left with two small dogs he could not take care of.  He travelled extensively and hired the neighbor teenager to basically live in his home 10 days or more out of every month.  He tried everything to rehome them for months, but ultimately surrendered them.  He was gutted. (they were sr chihuahuas)

 About a week after he did this he came to me and said he got rid of his dogs and therefore wanted to know when I was getting rid of my cats.  I literally walked backwards about 10 steps with my hand over my mouth. 

When I could finally speak I told him we were never making  a deal.  He surrendered his dogs because he had no choice.   Losing my cats was non negotiable. . .  period.   If he pressed this issue in that moment, I would have walked him to his car and said goodbye.

 . . end of story -  We aren't together any longer, for a variety of reasons.  My cats being one of them.

I am sorry this happened.   

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

14 hours ago, Laurafrances said:

Thanks for your prospective Anonymous82. I do try to be a fair person. Which is another reason I came here. To have views from people who are looking from the outside who do not know me.

I guess I can be more clear. He lived with me a short period of time until he found his house. A lot of mornings when he woke he would sneeze several times and that was it as far as allergies. which was not bad and not every morning.

The boyfriends main concern is the cost of the cats scratching things, like furniture and carpet. Which I understand. he did give me an ultimatum of you can come live me but not the cats. And pretty much if we don't move in together then what is the point of dating anymore? 

I tired coming up with compromises. The house he brought is 3000 sqft. I asked to put them in the utility room. I suggested putting them outside. I asked my parents and a friend if they would take them. So I could visit them and they would not feel abandoned. But both said. "We need to figure things out". 

I do not love the cats more than him. I am afraid I will regret that our relationship ended over an animal. But, I do love myself. I do not know if I would could live with myself if I just dropped them off with someone I do not know or something like that. And when he comes down to it, he wasn't even willing to try. From the beginning of the issue, he decided that I wasn't worth trying. So, why would I chose my cats I've had 6 years for a man who would not even try to let the cats live there?

Thanks Laurafrances for sharing more background on your situation.

It sounds to me like it wasn't really your cat that ended your relationship so much as it was your boyfriend's inability to empathize or compromise with you. Granted we're only getting your side of the story, but based on your perspective, it seems like you were more than willing to try to work with him to come up with a solution and he wasn't open to even discussing it.

To me, that's the real "incompatibility" here, and one you may someday feel fortunate to have realized before you ever lived with him. If it wasn't the cat, maybe it would've been where you lived, or the next step in your career, or engagement, or marriage, or kids... Life throws so much at us, and if we have a partner, we need to be able to navigate it as a team. Based on what you're describing, it sounds like he struggled to view you as an equal partner in your relationship.

You say he was an "amazing boyfriend." I know breakups are extremely emotional and difficult and it takes a lot of time and distance to move on from them, but as you begin to heal, I wonder if you might look back and realize he maybe wasn't quite as loving and supportive a partner as you made him out to be in your head.

Hope you're doing OK.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/8/2021 at 9:42 PM, Laurafrances said:

So, update on the situation. I tried to come up with compromises for the cats. Like putting them in the utility room or making them completely outside cats. He did not want to even try that. So given his ultimatum, I had to end it. I feel silly being a 31 year old adult, breaking up over animals, especially since he's such a great guy other wise. But, he wouldn't even try it. It's been a rough day. 😔

Not silly breaking up over animals. What he showed you is no ability for him to compromise.  You're their momma.  You will meet someone who loves animals and want them in their life - I guarantee it!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/3/2021 at 1:30 PM, Lambert said:

No. When you get a pet it's for the life of the pet. Not until it's inconvenient or your boyfriend does't want them. 

Huge red flag about this guy.  

 

I totally agree with Lambert!  A big NO!!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 2/3/2021 at 3:52 PM, LootieTootie said:

Personally I would be upset if someone asked me to get rid of my pets I've raised, trained and took care of for 6 years. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

However I'm not everyone so most people don't think like me when it comes to pets. I think if you are somewhat inclined about letting your cats go to live with your boyfriend, be ready to accept that the cats might not be treated as well or live as well as when they were with you.

Are you ok with that? To the point where you won't have any guilt that will manifests into resentment for your boyfriend later on?

Pets are literally like children. Your partner wants you to get rid of your 2 kids you practically raised and love and that is not a good sign.

Absolutely NOT a good sign at all, I agree.  I would never ever give up my kitties for a boyfriend.  If he truly loved you, he'd love your cats too because they are part of the package deal.  That's my opinion.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

On 3/8/2021 at 9:42 PM, Laurafrances said:

So, update on the situation. I tried to come up with compromises for the cats. Like putting them in the utility room or making them completely outside cats. He did not want to even try that. So given his ultimatum, I had to end it. I feel silly being a 31 year old adult, breaking up over animals, especially since he's such a great guy other wise. But, he wouldn't even try it. It's been a rough day. 😔

OMG!!!!!!  Do N-O-T put your little kitties in the utility room, or worse, outside.  That's such a cruel thing to do. They wouldn't know how to defend for themselves after living with you for so many years.  Your BF is being thoughtless and selfish, big time!!  Run the other way!

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Like I mentioned, there is food now and shampoo that reduces allergens, and also air purifiers do work. As for cats ruining furniture, I haven't had a cat do this. As long as they have a tree or two and scratches they are happy with that. If it's a trouble get their nails trimmed. There are ways around it.

My brother in law is allergic, but he married a crazy cat lady anyways. They have like 5 cats now lol. he takes a reactine and gets over it. He loves the cats and her.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  

On 2/3/2021 at 12:09 PM, Laurafrances said:

He is sort if allergic.

My boyfriend is allergic to cats. He gets a rash when he pets them. Dogs, too. It never stopped him from loving them. He will love them right through the rash. I've watched him do it. 

He's had cats and dogs his entire life, with the exception of the nearly nine years that we've been together. The only reason that we don't have pets is that our lease does not allow it. But we fully intend to have pets at some point in the future. We were actually just talking about it tonight. He will itch through it for a while, but then his body will acclimate. He knows this from past experience.

I guess what I'm saying is, where there's a will, there's a way.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

i know this is a very late reply -- but my cousin has allergies and fell in love with someone with a 15 year old cat. He felt she was like no one else.  Guess what? He went to an allergist and takes medication. its 6 years later - they are now happily married with a baby.  The cat died last year.    They agreed when they had the baby that they would not get any other pets if the cat died until the child was a few years old/they knew what they were allergic to.  Methinks the boyfriend is not completely smitten

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share


×
×
  • Create New...