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Boyfriend says no to cats.


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Personally I would be upset if someone asked me to get rid of my pets I've raised, trained and took care of for 6 years. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

However I'm not everyone so most people don't think like me when it comes to pets. I think if you are somewhat inclined about letting your cats go to live with your boyfriend, be ready to accept that the cats might not be treated as well or live as well as when they were with you.

Are you ok with that? To the point where you won't have any guilt that will manifests into resentment for your boyfriend later on?

Pets are literally like children. Your partner wants you to get rid of your 2 kids you practically raised and love and that is not a good sign.

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1 hour ago, Laurafrances said:

Each of you have made a good point. We are both in our 30s and have been together for a little over a year. He lived with me for a short period of time before he bought a place. And, the cats scratched his couch then and that is when we realized he's allergic to the cats due to sneezing so much every morning. He was on board with them being inside/outside cats until then. He is an animal person. But, before he asked me to move in with him, he knew I have 2 cats and a dog. I can stay at my house as long as I need to. I just know there can be much bigger problems in relationship and we are great together. But, resentment can most definitely ruin a relationship.

Why haven't you had their claws trimmed?  My cat's vet does it, they call it a pedicure (lolz) and it costs only about $15.  And it doesn't harm the cat.

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If you get cats a cat tree with a scratching post they don’t scratch furniture . Cats have a psychological need to scratch. If they don’t scratch it causes behavioural problems so provide them with something they can scratch . 

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2 hours ago, Laurafrances said:

Each of you have made a good point. We are both in our 30s and have been together for a little over a year. He lived with me for a short period of time before he bought a place. And, the cats scratched his couch then and that is when we realized he's allergic to the cats due to sneezing so much every morning. He was on board with them being inside/outside cats until then. He is an animal person. But, before he asked me to move in with him, he knew I have 2 cats and a dog. I can stay at my house as long as I need to. I just know there can be much bigger problems in relationship and we are great together. But, resentment can most definitely ruin a relationship.

He is not an animal person if he is unaware of animal behavior.  If it was a big place and you could keep the cats in a particular room when no one was home, that would be a compromise - but to tell you that you can't bring your cats - forget it

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9 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

wow you sure can see who are the cat people on this forum lol

Lol.  I am actually more of a dog person. But having worked with rescue, I have little tolerance for "i got a boyfriend, so the cat/dog has to go"  You commit to a pet for their life. If you end up being put in hospice, or are unable to physically care for your pet, I get it. If you were deported, I get it  Then someone would make arrangements for their pet - but the "I am pregnant /the dog has to go/i am moving/my cat has to go/i got a boyfriend" is very very old. I wish people had a backbone. If they did, then people would avoid a lot of relationships where the other person asked them to get rid of more and more and it wasn't really about the pet.

 

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Honestly - your pets are your family. They love you. They will not understand they have been abandoned. 
 

No one who is a good person would demand you get rid of things you love. He is not an empathic person and that does not bode well.

Personally i would get rid of him not the cats. Fast

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6 hours ago, Laurafrances said:

 

This question is really on you.  Who is more important?  Your cats or your boyfriend?  You're the one who has to choose because he said he sneezes, he's allergic and not a cat person.  I wouldn't dump your boyfriend over this.  Find a solution such as your parents taking the cats in and hopefully you can visit your cats periodically. 

He does have a good point about damage and destruction due to cats' claws.  Whether dogs or cats, these are animals after all and they will act like animals. 

If he's an "amazing boyfriend" as you say, then figure out a compromise. 

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Can I just make a suggestion...Don't get rid of the cats because you've had them for six years already and pets are for life. I'm not wishing for you and your boyfriend to break up but you've only been together one year. You've never lived together before so you don't really know how it's going to go and if this relationship is for the long term. Maybe if your parents can take them it might work just to see how it goes with your boyfriend. Then if it didn't work out, you can take your cats back. But if you give them away to an animal shelter or someone else then you probably will never get your cats back. If it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, you won't have a boyfriend and you won't have your cats. They'll be gone forever. To me that doesn't sound worth it. 

Also while it's not your boyfriend's fault he's allergic, and he's a good person, but he's probably not the right person for you. You're clearly a cat person and you're upset you have to give them up. You need a boyfriend who is not allergic to cats and likes cats. It's the same with anything incompatible. E.g. I love dogs and want to have a dog. So I wouldn't date someone who doesn't want to have a dog, for whatever reason. It doesn't matter if the reason is they're allergic, they simply wouldn't be the right person for me.

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I can’t imagine asking someone I love to abandon their pets. Does he love you? 
 

If I were him and I didn’t want to live with cats I wouldn’t suggest moving in together. Actually, I am him (because I have pet rats) and my partner has a great big dog, and come the day we get to live together we’ll brainstorm how everyone can coexist and try and make it work. It wouldn’t cross my mind to ask him to get rid of his dog. 

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2 hours ago, Cate18 said:

Honestly - your pets are your family. They love you. They will not understand they have been abandoned. 
 

No one who is a good person would demand you get rid of things you love. He is not an empathic person and that does not bode well.

Personally i would get rid of him not the cats. Fast

^

I absolutely agree with the post above.  Do the right thing, and live with no regrets.

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Cats do suffer from separation anxiety/sadness/hurt. My friend's granddaughter ended up allergic to their cat (friend's daughter and her two girls were living with my friend). This cat was on it's way to a shelter of all things...that was the choice being made. Friend's sister sent me a desperate text to save this cat (My kitty past away a few months before) I dove right in there took kitty. Kitty was traumatized. She hid under the bed for 3 weeks. She only came out when we weren't home, or sleeping. This poor cat was so hurt and depressed. I was so worried. Eventually she came out of her shell, and just hung out with us...she doesn't purr, she is not affectionate, she keeps her distance. My friend came over 4 months later, you could see the cat wanted to go home with her..you could see she missed her so. Heartbreaking. Pepper is doing better after a year and a half....she's still not quite there yet...baby steps.

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10 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Cats do suffer from separation anxiety/sadness/hurt. My friend's granddaughter ended up allergic to their cat (friend's daughter and her two girls were living with my friend). This cat was on it's way to a shelter of all things...that was the choice being made. Friend's sister sent me a desperate text to save this cat (My kitty past away a few months before) I dove right in there took kitty. Kitty was traumatized. She hid under the bed for 3 weeks. She only came out when we weren't home, or sleeping. This poor cat was so hurt and depressed. I was so worried. Eventually she came out of her shell, and just hung out with us...she doesn't purr, she is not affectionate, she keeps her distance. My friend came over 4 months later, you could see the cat wanted to go home with her..you could see she missed her so. Heartbreaking. Pepper is doing better after a year and a half....she's still not quite there yet...baby steps.

Absolutely cats do become very attached to their owner. I had to put down one of my beloved cats a few weeks ago and I was absolutely and still absolutely devastated. One of the cats I still have only likes me anybody else can fall on their head. It is absolutely attached to me and it’s sibling. Once I had to take his sibling to the vet in the middle of the night and he went absolutely berserk and screamed until he lost his voice. 

Edited by Seraphim
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As a huge, huge cat lover (currently have one of my three sitting on my chair with me as I write this) I'm horribly biased here, I know, but...I wouldn't move in with him if a condition of moving in was getting rid of my cats.  And, I'd be a bit wary of being with a guy who would even suggest it, but you know him, I don't, so...only you can decide whether he's a good guy otherwise.  (Note:  If he "hates" cats, I'd give him the boot post haste --no room for cat haters in my house OR life.)  Giving them to family is "a" solution, but...is it really what you want?

If you want to be with the guy AND keep your cats, you should probably agree to not move in together.  I'd consider, though, whether a "great guy" would ask you to get rid of your pets.  I mean, you've had them way longer than you've had him, and...he's known you've had them this whole time.   Yes, cats can be destructive -- my living room carpet and one of my couches are evidence of this -- but...I feel like it's just what I signed on for when I got cats, and material stuff can be fixed/replaced.

I think this would be a dealbreaker for me.

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13 hours ago, Laurafrances said:

Each of you have made a good point. We are both in our 30s and have been together for a little over a year. He lived with me for a short period of time before he bought a place. And, the cats scratched his couch then and that is when we realized he's allergic to the cats due to sneezing so much every morning. He was on board with them being inside/outside cats until then. He is an animal person. But, before he asked me to move in with him, he knew I have 2 cats and a dog. I can stay at my house as long as I need to. I just know there can be much bigger problems in relationship and we are great together. But, resentment can most definitely ruin a relationship.

Ok. This is Not about who's a cat person, who's a dog person, who's animal person,etc.,etc., etc. It's a moot point.

This is about you know him. He's stayed with you. You know he's allergic. You are moving into his house and overlooking major considerations getting caught up in cat debating.

The choices are yours. But... You need to realize that moving into his house is not a commitment. It's a convenience.

You also need to realize that unfortunately it's an unwise choice. His house, his rules.

Do not hope that once you move in, you can argue this to death with... but, but, but... their claws are trim... but but but.. You can take medication, but but but etc etc etc.

Make up your mind. It's that simple. He stated no cats. Respect that or stay where you are.

Stop and reflect what you want in life. Marriage? A family? At 30 these may be questions to ask yourself.

 

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I would be ok if he asked if her family could keep the cats at least for now -sort of like Cherylyn wrote. That's not giving them away as the cats will see her, the family is  familiar with the cat.  I wouldn't like someone likening it to "well that old couch of yours would have to go - I can't stand it" -that's rude but it's not about a living thing that is like family to you.

But even more so this highlights that you two might not be on the same wavelength as far as what moving in together means -he's already being mighty territorial about his house and what he will and will not tolerate.

Edited by Batya33
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12 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Cats do suffer from separation anxiety/sadness/hurt. My friend's granddaughter ended up allergic to their cat (friend's daughter and her two girls were living with my friend). This cat was on it's way to a shelter of all things...that was the choice being made. Friend's sister sent me a desperate text to save this cat (My kitty past away a few months before) I dove right in there took kitty. Kitty was traumatized. She hid under the bed for 3 weeks. She only came out when we weren't home, or sleeping. This poor cat was so hurt and depressed. I was so worried. Eventually she came out of her shell, and just hung out with us...she doesn't purr, she is not affectionate, she keeps her distance. My friend came over 4 months later, you could see the cat wanted to go home with her..you could see she missed her so. Heartbreaking. Pepper is doing better after a year and a half....she's still not quite there yet...baby steps.

That’s so sad. 

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There's no ultimatum here, no one is telling you to get rid of your cats.

If you want to move in with him the cats go elsewhere.

Your choice.

There's no way I'd allow furniture destroying allergy triggering felines in my residence, I totally get where the boyfriend is coming from.

 

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Stay where you are until things become clearer and you decide what's best for yourself and your pets. This is your decision alone. The issue is him being in the same residence as the pets. You don't have to live together in order to date each other. 

Your decision depends on what you want more.

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5 minutes ago, Laurafrances said:

Actually, it is an ultimatum. Either I find a home for my cats or I do not move it. So, then what's the point of dating and then we will break up. 

Don't move in. He's allergic and it's his place so your choice is yours.

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Scratching posts deter cats from scratching furniture. Is he really asking you to give up something that comforts you and is a pet? Deal breaker for me. My cat is like a baby to me, not an object that I can give away nor would. He has a little soul, and loves me just as I am sure yours loves you. This is very sad that someone you love is asking you to give up someone or something that you love. 

Edited by Mel11
not finished.
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It seems to me that you are both trying to force a deadline, in the sense that moving in together has to happen asap even if you haven't properly worked out some of the logistics yet.

What I'm also sensing is that you'd be moving to his place (it's his furniture, etc.) rather than a home, where stuff belongs to the two of you and you've got equal decision making power. Does that make sense?

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