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Boyfriend says no to cats.


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What should I do? I am moving in with my boyfriend and he wants me to find a new home for my cats that I have had 6 years. My parents may take them. I am moving in my dog already that is needy. He is concerned they will tear up his furniture and doors. He is sort if allergic. He says he knows it's a selfish request and says to ask around for advice because he knows it's bothering me. Otherwise an amazing boyfriend! But, we cannot seem to come to a compromise on this topic. 

Edited by Laurafrances
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  • Laurafrances changed the title to Boyfriend says no to cats.

For me it's a major compatibility issue and a deal breaker.

Basically, I won't date or get involved with anyone who has issues with pets, be it allergies or they simply don't like them, don't want them, etc. It doesn't make them a bad person, just someone who is not compatible with me. Considering that there are literally millions of people who also love and want pets, I see no reason to try to pound a square peg into a round hole on this issue. 

He'd be better off with someone who is not into pets and you'd be better off with someone who is more like you and loves critters.

It's one of those things that you really can't reconcile without creating a lot of strife and resentment on both sides. Why sign up for that and those kinds of tensions? Sooner or later it will kill the relationship anyway.

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No cats for me but I love dogs.  That is my choice so I wouldn't want a cat in my house plus I am allergic to them and horses but horses don't get to come in the house either...

  If you can't bring your cats then don't move in with him right now.  If you will want to have cats when married or living together in the future then this guy is not for you.

Choosing between him or the cats is not easy and if you do rehome your cats you will probably resent him for it.

At 6 years those furry things have a lot of life ahead of them.

Postpone the moving in and see if he has a change of heart.  If he is allergic then he would be miserable with two cats in the house though.

It is all to easy for strangers on a forum to just tell you to dump him and find a new guy that likes cats but it isn't that easy is it?  Slow this down a little, there is no rush is there?

 Lost

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Why do you need to share living space with him right now? How long have you known he is allergic/is not into pets? Can you agree you will take care of any furniture that is harmed?  What have you done to try to compromise? Sure there are many people who are pet owners/pet lovers. I am really surprised you didn't know this about him way earlier than now. 

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32 minutes ago, Laurafrances said:

What should I do? I am moving in with my boyfriend and he wants me to find a new home for my cats that I have had 6 years. My parents may take them. I am moving in my dog already that is needy. He is concerned they will tear up his furniture and doors.

How long have you been dating? Will you be on the lease or just be a guest? Why are you moving in with him? Convenience, costs?

Get EVERYTHING in writing, including precisely your rights as a tenant (or guest) precisely what costs are yours, his and shared. Make sure you are clear on the dog such as will he freak out if the dog soils HIS carpet, HIS furniture etc? 

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42 minutes ago, Laurafrances said:

he wants me to find a new home for my cats that I have had 6 years.

- He wants...(they are your pets).

- He is sort of allergic (take an allergy pill).

- He is afraid they'll tear up furniture & doors?  ( do they?).  he's giving them NO chance.

Have you two been together a good while?  He knew you had cats.. I hope he didn't just spring this on you recently- as I'm sure you two have at least had some discussion for a while on living together?

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What is "sort of allergic"?

You can have the cats claws trimmed (NOT declawed!  NEVER declaw a cat!) so they don't tear up furniture or doors.  My cat's claws are trimmed and nothing gets torn up.

Does he just not like animals?  If so, how are you going to have a lifetime of either someone who resents your pets or someone with whom you'll never be able to have pets?

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1 hour ago, Laurafrances said:

My parents may take them. I am moving in my dog already that is needy.

Do you live with your parents now? Can you stay wherever you live for a while? Are you hoping to change him or change his mind or that the cats will "visit" and then slowly move in? It unfortunately sounds a like a bad idea to accept this move-in offer.

Edited by Wiseman2
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34 minutes ago, East4 said:

In this sort of circumstances, how does a compromise look like? Half a cat? 😉

To me finding a good man (emphasis on good) is harder to find than a cat. So I would perso go for the man.

I am assuming that you are not a pet owner.   I don't find animals as disposable and see them as a commitment.  

If this were for a child who was allergic to cats, it would be different.  

Edited by Hollyj
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1 hour ago, Laurafrances said:

What should I do? I am moving in with my boyfriend and he wants me to find a new home for my cats that I have had 6 years. My parents may take them. I am moving in my dog already that is needy. He is concerned they will tear up his furniture and doors. He is sort if allergic. He says he knows it's a selfish request and says to ask around for advice because he knows it's bothering me. Otherwise an amazing boyfriend! But, we cannot seem to come to a compromise on this topic. 

How long have you been dating?

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Sorry, when i was not seeing anyone and was about to embark on dating again, one of my huge musts was that they must be an animal lover - i would be okay if they were allergic to a particular animal that I did not have. If he was allergic to cats and rabbits - then i won't get one -- but if they could not stand dogs -- they lasted only one date or I didn't contact them in the first place. 

You knew he was not down with cats in the beginning - I would tell him sorry, that you are staying put or will move to where he is going but will move when you find a job and will live separately. I mean, there is no ring and no date so you should not bend for this man.   He may end up deciding the allergy meds are worth it -- he is just asking you don't get another cat after these pass which would be reasonable or the two of you just need to part

If the cat was the "family pet" that you got when you were 13, that is a different matter of leaving the cat with the parents - the people they have always lived with - but sending pets you obtained as an adult away - that's a hard no

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Each of you have made a good point. We are both in our 30s and have been together for a little over a year. He lived with me for a short period of time before he bought a place. And, the cats scratched his couch then and that is when we realized he's allergic to the cats due to sneezing so much every morning. He was on board with them being inside/outside cats until then. He is an animal person. But, before he asked me to move in with him, he knew I have 2 cats and a dog. I can stay at my house as long as I need to. I just know there can be much bigger problems in relationship and we are great together. But, resentment can most definitely ruin a relationship.

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This should have been talked about when you first started dating...question: "what do you think of cats?" Him: "they are OK as long as they are not in my house." You: "It was nice to meet you, I don't think this is going to work out."

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4 minutes ago, Laurafrances said:

Each of you have made a good point. We are both in our 30s and have been together for a little over a year. He lived with me for a short period of time before he bought a place. And, the cats scratched his couch then and that is when we realized he's allergic to the cats due to sneezing so much every morning. He was on board with them being inside/outside cats until then. He is an animal person. But, before he asked me to move in with him, he knew I have 2 cats and a dog. I can stay at my house as long as I need to. I just know there can be much bigger problems in relationship and we are great together. But, resentment can most definitely ruin a relationship.

Then make a compromise. Choose him and rehome your cats but take your time finding them a new home before moving in...don't rush it.

Edited by smackie9
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6 minutes ago, Laurafrances said:

Each of you have made a good point. We are both in our 30s and have been together for a little over a year. He lived with me for a short period of time before he bought a place. And, the cats scratched his couch then and that is when we realized he's allergic to the cats due to sneezing so much every morning. He was on board with them being inside/outside cats until then. He is an animal person. But, before he asked me to move in with him, he knew I have 2 cats and a dog. I can stay at my house as long as I need to. I just know there can be much bigger problems in relationship and we are great together. But, resentment can most definitely ruin a relationship.

Furniture is an inanimate and easily replaced object. An animal is a living creature with feelings, attachments, emotions, and needs. I'd question the character of a person who values an inanimate object more and take a much closer look at how well do you really get along or how often you yield. You already have a huge commitment to the animals you have. They are not disposable and you and them are a package deal. 

You also need to think long term. Even if you compromise today that you'll only keep these pets you have and then no more and you'll pay for the damage.....is that really you? Will you be genuinely happy with that? Again, why pound a square peg into a round hole. Pets are a huge compatibility issue and one you shouldn't ignore or sweep under a rug just to "get a man".

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Just now, DancingFool said:

Furniture is an inanimate and easily replaced object. An animal is a living creature with feelings, attachments, emotions, and needs. I'd question the character of a person who values an inanimate object more and take a much closer look at how well do you really get along or how often you yield. You already have a huge commitment to the animals you have. They are not disposable and you and them are a package deal. He knew that when he first met you and he also knew his own feelings about that.....even if he didn't share them with you.

You also need to think long term. Even if you compromise today that you'll only keep these pets you have and then no more and you'll pay for the damage.....is that really you? Will you be genuinely happy with that? Again, why pound a square peg into a round hole. Pets are a huge compatibility issue and one you shouldn't ignore or sweep under a rug just to "get a man".

 

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3 hours ago, Laurafrances said:

He is concerned they will tear up his furniture and doors. He is sort if allergic. He says he knows it's a selfish request and says to ask around for advice because he knows it's bothering me.

Is he "asking around for advice" as well? Or does he just expect you to ask around in hopes that someone will tell you to forfeit the cats for him? 

I would say this a package deal, OP. You come with the cats, or you don't come at all. Pets are not disposable and shouldn't be treated as such. 

 

 

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