Jump to content

Is it best to go no contact now for my ex to reconsider his feelings?


Recommended Posts

Ex-boyfriend broke up with me in November 2020. I stupidly kept in contact with him afterwards and we caught up a week or so later. Been getting mixed signals from him ever since. I asked if we could catch up recently and he was sort of interested but half not. I told him today that I think our reasons for catching up seem different (as I obviously still like him) and he's probably doing it for friendly reasons. He agreed and said it's sensible to not catch up for now but we can revisit it anytime. Does this sort of sound like he just wants to wait till his feelings possibly change? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, dustycloud said:

I told him today that I think our reasons for catching up seem different (as I obviously still like him) and he's probably doing it for friendly reasons. He agreed and said it's sensible to not catch up for now but we can revisit it anytime. Does this sort of sound like he just wants to wait till his feelings possibly change? 

No, it sounds like he's waiting for yours to change. 

Meaning, if you meet up it will be with the understanding that the relationship is over and you're not getting back together. He doesn't want to meet up with you while he knows you still want to be with him, because unfortunately he doesn't feel the same way about you and doesn't want to give you false hope. He doesn't need to reconsider his feelings; he already knows he doesn't want to reconcile with you. 

You have to stop doing this to yourself, Dusty. It's time to let go and implement No Contact as means to help you move on. He's already gone and isn't coming back, sadly. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

People who actually care ask to work on problems and don't bail. He doesn't care, otherwise, he wouldn't have broken up with you, which often spells forever. I've never once taken back an ex. You admit you were stupid to stay in touch, so be smart now and go no contact. Better late than never.

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

3 hours ago, dustycloud said:

Ex-boyfriend broke up with me in November 2020. I stupidly kept in contact with him afterwards and we caught up a week or so later. Been getting mixed signals from him ever since. I asked if we could catch up recently and he was sort of interested but half not. I told him today that I think our reasons for catching up seem different (as I obviously still like him) and he's probably doing it for friendly reasons. He agreed and said it's sensible to not catch up for now but we can revisit it anytime. Does this sort of sound like he just wants to wait till his feelings possibly change? 

There are no mixed signals because a person who wants to be with you will do his or her utmost to express that as directly and simply as possible because why in the world would that person want to risk any misunderstanding or risk  you getting snapped up by someone else?? What he said is akin to the main reason I move on when I meet someone new for a potential platonic friendship -if that person says anything like "yes it would be great to meet up sometime but things are busy now -I'll let you know when things quiet down".  That person is then off my radar.  Buh bye. 

Sure, I might meet up with that person in the future if she wants to make a definitive time/place plan -even in advance- but no I'm not going to waste time "analyzing" what that could mean.  And yes I've treated longstanding friends who've done the slow fade/gone MIA the same way.  If I express interest in getting together or having a phone call and I get back some wishy washy/namby pamby response, no need to analyze -I'm no longer any sort of priority. 

And, I am swamped too with work and virtual learning and housework and I am swamped today -so if my friend asked if we could talk I'd tell her "I can't today, I really look forward to catching up.  I think my work will die down by next Tuesday and I will call you then or check in and let you know."  But if I were only half interested in catching up I'd say "I'd love to but I'm swamped for the next week or so."  "Revisit at any time" is a formal use of words that means "I want to be off the hook and I'm trying to be polite about it."

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dusty, you've been posting threads asking this exact same question since November. The advice you've received has been the same in all of the 4 or 5 threads...he is not interested in reconciliation and only met up with you because you pushed and pushed and kept asking. He has never said "I'm waiting for my feelings to change", has he?

Sorry to be so direct, but you are trying to hold onto something that doesn't exist.

Instead of insisting on holding on for the last several months you could have been working on getting past your hurt and disappointment. 

Stop trying to see him, stop contacting him. Be your own best friend instead of your own worst enemy. Be kind to yourself.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with the above.

You two are NOT involved anymore.  And  YOU are only hurting yourself,by keeping contact with him, 'wishing'... hoping'.

But it won't change.

I know it's hard to accept, but this is what you have to do. And in order to do this (accept and heal), is to STOP all of this.

You cannot let go, as long as you keep this stuff up- and it's not changing anything.

So, how about you just stop contacting him and focus on YOU now.

No more contact.. no more following or chasing.. NOTHING.

And no, you cannot be 'friends' with an ex unless or until you know you are over them.... That will just drag things on - which is not needed.

Time to move on and get yourself back to good. Get your own life going again.

You don't need him.. he left.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quote
On 2/3/2021 at 8:46 PM, No1 said:

If he wants to be with you, you'll know it. If he doesn't, you'll be confused. 

Exactly. I have told a couple of friends pretty much this same thing when they struggled with wondering what was going on with an ex or a guy they were interested in who wasn't sending clear signals that he wanted to be with them:  It's either something, or it's nothing.  You're either together, or you're not.  Anything that's not "yes" is "no." This has always been true from my experience and the experiences of my friends and others I know. 

And, If you have to ask, you probably already know the answer but just don't want to believe it.  

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

Hi! I kind of think people are being a bit harsh on this...

There's two arguments though right? The worst thing you can do is waste your time with someone who's not interested. I think, best thing to do is to send him a message that you accept the breakup and wish him well. Then go No Contact. 

You need to give him the chance to actually miss you and be sad about the breakup. Right now he's lost nothing- you're still there while he's free to look around. Flip the script and let him know you're out.

From there, you can still have maybe a bit of hope he'll come back but start dating and try to find a serious partner. You'll either 1) meet someone who makes you inevitably forget about him or 2) he'll be so distraught he'll man up.

Anyone who says this is "mind games" I also just want to disagree with right away. It's your life, make it the best you can.

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

2 hours ago, KiwiFriends404 said:

Anyone who says this is "mind games" I also just want to disagree with right away. It's your life, make it the best you can.

It's immature mind games. Doing something with the goal being to manipulate someone into feeling a different way about you isn't productive and any results won't last long term.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

19 hours ago, KiwiFriends404 said:

Hi! I kind of think people are being a bit harsh on this...

There's two arguments though right? The worst thing you can do is waste your time with someone who's not interested. I think, best thing to do is to send him a message that you accept the breakup and wish him well. Then go No Contact. 

You need to give him the chance to actually miss you and be sad about the breakup. Right now he's lost nothing- you're still there while he's free to look around. Flip the script and let him know you're out.

From there, you can still have maybe a bit of hope he'll come back but start dating and try to find a serious partner. You'll either 1) meet someone who makes you inevitably forget about him or 2) he'll be so distraught he'll man up.

Anyone who says this is "mind games" I also just want to disagree with right away. It's your life, make it the best you can.

Thank you for your advice. So he ended up getting in contact with me again and kept pushing for about a whole month of catching up. I would sometimes not respond for a week or two. I wouldn't respond and he would send another message asking how I am and to let him know if I still want to catch up. But things started to feel a bit fishy and I got scared. He said it would be nice to catch up and clear the air a bit - it sort of seemed more friendlylike/him wanting to free himself from guilt which I expressed to him (probably wrong of me) and he said there is a bit of truth in wanting to free himself from guilt. I told him that I think it's best we catch up if we *both* want to be together, he wished me well and I did the same. I sent him one last message the next evening saying that I wanted to have a dinner with him but I didn't want to talk about us as it felt ominous once he mentioned about clearing the air. He said he understood how that could have happened and apologised. Said it was the furthest from his intentions of making me feel that way. I did not respond, that was 2 weeks ago. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry a few edits to the post above: 

He apologised for the hurt he caused me in the last second message (about wishing me well). Then his last message, he said he understood how him saying he wanted to clear the air felt scary could have made me feel that way and apologised for making me feel that way. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He didn't respond to the invitation to dinner and his responses were lukewarm. He sounds polite but nothing more. 

Stand your ground and don't agree to meet with him if you want something more than sex or casual dating. Go on and be happy single or feel free to meet others. This guy really has you hooked and it's time to unhook from this mess and all this limbo. Don't waste your life after one person who doesn't seem sure about you. 

 

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

6 hours ago, dustycloud said:

I told him that I think it's best we catch up if we *both* want to be together

Good move. Don't settle for lukewarm

37 minutes ago, Rose Mosse said:

it's time to unhook from this mess and all this limbo.

I agree.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

7 minutes ago, dustycloud said:

I have zero plans hooking up with him again unless..... 

Ok, then why bother "catching up"?

You're not even dating anymore, no less in a committed relationship or engaged.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

4 hours ago, dustycloud said:

I have zero plans hooking up with him again unless we were in a committed relationship or married. Yet, I don't think that will happen but I am *ok* with that. 

Good for you. It sounds like you are in a good place now. Keep it that way. If your standard is not to sleep with anyone unless you are in a committed relationship then so be it. 

I like to think of it this way: Life is very short and you live it the way that is most fulfilling and appealing to you. This may mean finding ways to eliminate connections and friendships or relationships that make it halfway but aren't the total deal or what you're actually looking for. It makes no one less and the whole world brighter. You don't have to live by anyone else's standards or drop those just to attract someone. 

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've never "caught feelings" for someone who is in my friend zone. The only thing trying to be "friends" does is make sure you have a front row seat when he's dating someone new. If watching him be lovey-dovey with another woman would hurt you do not try to be "friends'.

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...