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I feel really lost and broken at the moment...


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I've recently been badly affected by something that happened between us before we got married. Both my husband and I are 28 and have been married for 3 years and together for 9 years. Sorry, what follows is a VERY long post. Trigger waring for sexual abuse.

Background: My husband and I met in University, become close friends and started dating soon afterwards when we were both 19. We were a good match, shared many interests and world views. Soon after we started dating, my parents got divorced and he provided the support I needed during the time. I became very dependent on him from then on and we did everything together. I mean everything. We didn't have our own friends or hobbies. We were together 24/7. I wanted to be with him. We moved fairly slowly regarding intimacy because I was sexually assaulted before we dated. About 8 months into our relationship, we went to my Mom's house with our friend for the weekend. We stayed in separate rooms. In the middle of the night, he came to my room and told me that he's horny and climbed onto me. He told me that he wants to put his penis into me. I told him I don't want to. He insisted and said he will barely put it in and it will be fast. I still refused. He begged again and said that he really needs this and then just went forward and put it into me. I was shocked and couldn't move. He left to go to his room with our friend and I cried myself to sleep. The next morning I had to pretend that everything was fine and meet up with other friends. I still remember how difficult that day was for me. I felt completely dirty and violated. This was my first time having sex with my then boyfriend and I was raped. Though I didn't realise it at the time.

Time went on and we never brought it up again. I seriously didn't realise that it was rape because he was my boyfriend. Everytime I thought about that night, I would try to shove it back into darkness as it honestly hurt to much to think about.  I lost attraction to my boyfriend, but I still loved him, I couldn't leave him. We really do get along well. We started having sex frequently, not because I was aroused or wanted to, but because I felt that it was necessary. I even felt offended and like I did something wrong when he wasn't in the mood. A few months later I started birth control and sex almost came to a standstill. The idea of sex repulsed me. This really bothered my bf, which was understandable, a relationship needs intimacy. I started believing that I was asexual because I thought back on when I wasn't on the pill and remembered that I didn't want to do it then either. We had countless fights over my lack of sexual desire and my bf said that sometimes you need to do things for the people you love, but got very upset when I wasn't into it enough in bed. Years went by like this, eventually I got off the pill for personal reasons, and I started to get my libido back. However, I noticed that I got mostly aroused by TV shows or whatever and not really my BF. Never told him that because that would break him. We still had occasional fights regarding intimacy where he felt that I wasn't super into it, but it got better because I let my mind wonder during sex so that I could enjoy it more. We eloped eventually and then moved to a different country.

The move changed both of us for the better. My husband has become much more caring and understanding and goes out of his way to try and make my days better and happier. The bad thing is that my husband became very depressed. It has been very difficult, but he still tries to make me happy. Sexually things have gotten better, we have started to include toys during intercourse and I have had my first orgasm. We still have sex very infrequently, and that is still a very frequent topic of our fights. It was in this new country where I allowed myself to think back on that first night and realised that I was raped. I was devastated. Everything clicked into place. For a while I fell into darkness until I finally had the guts to talk to my husband. I was very hesitant to do so because of his depression and what it would do to him. He was very sorry and felt seriously terrible. he couldn't believe that he was a rapist. I told him that I felt better talking about it and that I will try to move past it. That was 2 years ago. Every time I started thinking about it, I would supress it again. I still never really wanted sex, unless it was a time of month were my hormones were high and I was so horny I couldn't think of anything else. We have had a lot of fights about sex as always, he doesn't like that I almost never initiate and when I do he says I'm never into it enough. I have tried telling him that I have a troubled past so it's difficult for me, but I don't think he understands. I even started thinking that I could be into woman because I'm just not attracted to my husband. That was until recently. I made a new friend and I was insanely attracted to him. I felt alive! Nothing is wrong with me! I am attracted to men!  But that's when everything came crashing down. All of the bad memories of our love life. This caused me to spiral badly. The person I love, I trusted and am now married raped me. This has obviously had a tremendous impact on me, it was much worse than I ever could have thought. My husband has really been great recently. He has lived for me 100%. I love him to bits, but I don't think I can ever get over the fact that he raped me. We are very compatible except in this area. I don't know if we will ever be able to have a normal, healthy love life. I don't know if I can talk to him about this. This will break him and I'm very afraid of what will happen because of his depression. I feel like I'm lost in a very dark place.

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1 hour ago, AVDSA789 said:

I made a new friend and I was insanely attracted to him. I felt alive! Nothing is wrong with me! I am attracted to men!  

Have you seen a physician and therapist for the issues with your husband? 

Have you considered divorce since the past, present and future seems rather bleak with him?

What is happening with the friend? Clearly it will complicate, not resolve anything.

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I haven't seen anyone as the country we are currently living in isn't great with mental health and I can't effectively communicate in the language (The country is a bit lacking in English).

I have considered it, but I don't know if I want it? I feel very conflicted because I love my husband, but I can't satisfy him nor myself sexually. I don't want to hurt him.

Nothing is happening with my friend. I don't intend anything to happen either. It's just something that I have noticed since I thought I wasn't attracted to men.

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Can you move back home? There's really no point staying with someone you detest and believe assaulted you, is there?

Your fooling yourself that you love him and don't want to hurt him. You're just overly dependant on him.

Move back to your country, get therapy for the alleged assault and file for divorce.

You can't just keep complaining that he assaulted you and therefore have no sexual interest in him,yet do nothing.

Read up on dependent personality disorder. People like this stay with someone no matter what.

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2 hours ago, AVDSA789 said:

I made a new friend and I was insanely attracted to him. I felt alive! Nothing is wrong with me! I am attracted to men!  

What's the story here, OP? How close are you to this new friend?

It seems you've been forcing yourself to stay with your husband nearly the entire time you've been together. You cannot have a marriage like this, as you're seeing. Either cut of this friend and work on your marriage - likely with the help of therapy, which can also be done online if you need an English-speaking therapist - or start working toward dissolving your marriage. 

Yes, that will be hard. And yes, it will hurt your husband. But what are your alternatives? 

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1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

What's the story here, OP? How close are you to this new friend?

We aren't very close and nothing has or will come of it. I just find him attractive. This just made me realize that there is nothing wrong with me and that I am still capable of feeling attraction towards men. Before this I started to think something was wrong with me.

Thank you for your advice. I want to tell my husband how I've been in a dark place recently, but I don't know how to tell him. I have suggested couples therapy in the past, but he was very against it.

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31 minutes ago, AVDSA789 said:

. I want to tell my husband how I've been in a dark place recently, but I don't know how to tell him. 

You have already told him this repeatedly as well as told him "he's a rapist".

Make up your mind. He's a rapist or he's someone you trust.

You don't need couples therapy. What could a therapist possibly say when you both appear and you explain that you are with someone who allegedly raped you?

Arrest him?

You need individual therapy to figure out what your sexual orientation is, who you're attracted to, why you don't want sex with your husband, why you married someone you claim raped you, why you never had counseling the other time you were allegedly raped, etc.

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I agree with the others. You should seek therapy. And take your time about it. You've been in a complicated situation for nine years, and trauma was involved. There aren't going to be simple answers for you. You have to work it out for yourself, over time. A therapist can help with that. So can group therapy. 

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2 hours ago, AVDSA789 said:

I want to tell my husband how I've been in a dark place recently, but I don't know how to tell him. I have suggested couples therapy in the past, but he was very against it.

What about staring with individual therapy, just for you? 

It seems you have a lot of tangled-up emotions about your past in general and could use guidance. It won't make you magically want to be with your husband but it will likely help you to proceed with more clarity - whether that means staying in your marriage, or ending it. 

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