Sister in Law Issues

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

I have a feeling if she does apologize if will not be sincere 

 She has been in jail? It's very doubtful a talk will help. It's better to take every preventative measure you can.  Assault is a crime, not a bad mood.

[East4]

ValleyGirl, your fiancé's family seems to have some very strange dynamics, so be weary of what you are getting yourself involved in. Your fiancé is an off spring of this family, so there is no way that he escaped untouched from their weird ways. I think it is very strange that instead of being happy for him, that he found the happiness with a woman, it seems that the whole family, in particular his sister, view his natural shift of priority towards you, as if he is trying to leave a cult, or a sect. What does "stealing him away from them mean"? 

So, be very careful, because you might be getting involved in their very twisted family dynamics. Is it only your boyfriend's love for you the only driver to propose, or in some way he benefits from upsetting them? This is just a speculation, but as I said he was raised in the family, he might have internalised at least some part of the toxicity.

Also, when you have a raw, will he go back to them to complain about you? You will feel very lonely to have them all gang up against you. 

When you have children together, will they also be subjected to violent outbursts of their aunt? What will you do then?

I cannot help but notice the parallel: him coming from a strange cult-like family, and you coming from an estranged family. Key and the keylock...

[Snny]

Also, you and your fiancé have the right to request a child-free wedding. It’s your day and guests should respect that. I’m a mom of a 2 year old and I would be THRILLED to go to a wedding without my kid (and if I can’t find a sitter, I just simply don’t go). Crazy woman was using her kid to get under your skin. I feel sorry for her child to have a mother like that.

[ValleyGirl123]

2 minutes ago, Snny said:

Also, you and your fiancé have the right to request a child-free wedding. It’s your day and guests should respect that. I’m a mom of a 2 year old and I would be THRILLED to go to a wedding without my kid (and if I can’t find a sitter, I just simply don’t go). Crazy woman was using her kid to get under your skin. I feel sorry for her child to have a mother like that.

That is EXACTLY what I thought!!! I want to make memories with people. Enjoy the open bar. People can’t fully “let go” when they have to worry about taking care of children. Everyone else was totally fine with this decision. His best man has a 6 month old and is completely excited for a night out!

[ValleyGirl123]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 She has been in jail? It's very doubtful a talk will help. It's better to take every preventative measure you can.  Assault is a crime, not a bad mood.

Yes she has. Not going to go into the details but she has not made great life choices. 

[Cherylyn]

Regarding apologies, only two people in my entire lifetime, sincerely apologized to me.  Don't have any expectations, you will feel numb and won't get hurt.  That's my mantra. 

If your SIL apologies, wonderful, take it, accept it and carry on.  However, always remember to remain civil and follow her cue.  If she behaves properly, be kind but not too nice.  If she acts up again, back away, avoid her and know that she is having another one of her psycho moments again.  ☹️

Navigate yourself shrewdly for your own survival's sake.

[SherrySher]

17 hours ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

We are actually already having a small wedding- less than 50 people. Which is why no kids- already keeping it small and don’t have headcount for peoples kids. We are only having immediate family and close friends!

That's not a small wedding. A small wedding consists of the bride and groom and two witnesses.

You can't invite a few of the relatives and not others..as for not including kids, you will have upset there too.

People can't always afford babysitters and with Covid, no one is wanting extra people in their house. Feelings will be hurt too with their little ones being left out.

I'm not sure if you've really thought this out.

I sincerely feel you're going to cause upset for a lot of his family, and maybe not even intentionally, but it will happen.

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

Yes she has. Not going to go into the details but she has not made great life choices. 

Ok. If she has been in jail, do not invite her.

Also do not "have a talk" with her. Don't negotiate with criminals. Your fiance may nod and make nice, but do not depend on him to protect you.

It's unfortunate that your fiance has this type of family member, but you need to think for yourself in this case since her family enables this.

Make sure your home is secure and your fiance doesn't give her access.

You're playing with fire. This criminal who assaulted you is not just a moody annoying sister. It's best to realize that now. She has you in her cross hairs for some reason.

 

 

[SherrySher]

23 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

she has been in jail

Really? Yikes...this isn't going to end well.

Don't get me wrong, I fully believe that people can change and be reformed.

But this lady has already been on serious trouble and was willing to risk an assault charge over how much she dislikes you. You are in a very bad situation here and I would stay as far away from her as possible.

[maritalbliss86]

19 hours ago, East4 said:

Also, when you have a raw, will he go back to them to complain about you? You will feel very lonely to have them all gang up against you. 

 

Even if he supports her and never goes back to gossip, they can still gang up on them as a couple, gossip about them as a family group, and then that results in ostracizing them (which even though they'll have each other as husband and wife, it still feels wrong).  Because families aren't supposed to be like that, and when they are that messed up, it's inevitable that you will experience pain.  

I don't think there is a, "win," here when you marry into a family like this. 

Even if you estrange them, it will always feel like you're doing something wrong, even if it's the right choice... and it will definitely affect the way other extended family members or even immediate family members, treat you after you decide to estrange someone.  People are very judgmental, often without hearing the other side (or sometimes they don't even want to understand the other side, they just want the estrangement to end), so estrangement will set them up for some very hefty judgements from other relatives.  Again, more pain.

Reconciliations seem to be very rare, but hopefully it will work out.

 

[Seraphim]

Absolutely, there is no winning moving into this kind of family. 

[Snny]

“You can't invite a few of the relatives and not others.”

IF a relative physically threatens the bride/groom, then yes the couple has a right NOT to invite them. That’s the only exception because it is a safety concern.

I had a drink aunt who was very volatile at my own wedding, created a scene in front of all my friends and family, and she had to be removed by security and escorted back to her hotel room. Looking back, she should of never been invited (my parents who helped pay for my wedding pressured me to invite her... which was a massive mistake).

“as for not including kids, you will have upset there too. People can't always afford babysitters and with Covid, no one is wanting extra people in their house. Feelings will be hurt too with their little ones being left out.”

That is not the OP’s problem. And as a parent I would set an example for my children that sometimes we don’t always get invited to everyone’s party and to handle disappointment with grace. THAT is the parent’s responsibility.

 

It’s hers/groom’s party and their day; a once in a lifetime party that they pay thousands for and planed several months/years in advance. Yes, she may have guests turning down the invitation because of childcare concerns, but it is ultimately hers and the groom’s decision that should be respected. Having a child-free weddings does not break etiquette rules. Formal celebrations like weddings are not normally a kid-friendly celebration anyway - especially NOT for a four year old. If you invite kids, cool. If you don’t, that is fine too. Unfortunately you can’t please everybody with wedding planning, but as long as you are a proper host who treats their guests well then that’s what matters in the end.

[abitbroken]

3 hours ago, Snny said:

“You can't invite a few of the relatives and not others.”

IF a relative physically threatens the bride/groom, then yes the couple has a right NOT to invite them. That’s the only exception because it is a safety concern.

I had a drink aunt who was very volatile at my own wedding, created a scene in front of all my friends and family, and she had to be removed by security and escorted back to her hotel room. Looking back, she should of never been invited (my parents who helped pay for my wedding pressured me to invite her... which was a massive mistake).

There are sometimes bad apples.

The difference is:  The family that sets boundaries with the bad apple/recognizes a bad apple before the boyfriend/girlfriend comes on the scene.  I would not dump someone for having a crazy relative.  But if the rest of the family is not united about the relative, then THAT is the problem.

If other family always plays damage control, know their limits, etc that is different than when the one apple is viewed as the golden child.

Remember - these folks will be the grandparents and aunts/uncles of your kids.

Can you live with that?

No, its kind of impossible to have a life where you live an ideal life elsewhere without them in it. especially as the parents get older, they will be more and more in your lives.  If you cannot find yourself meshing with his family at all, this guy might be a great boyfriend, but not the one to marry

[ValleyGirl123]

8 hours ago, Snny said:

“You can't invite a few of the relatives and not others.”

IF a relative physically threatens the bride/groom, then yes the couple has a right NOT to invite them. That’s the only exception because it is a safety concern.

I had a drink aunt who was very volatile at my own wedding, created a scene in front of all my friends and family, and she had to be removed by security and escorted back to her hotel room. Looking back, she should of never been invited (my parents who helped pay for my wedding pressured me to invite her... which was a massive mistake).

“as for not including kids, you will have upset there too. People can't always afford babysitters and with Covid, no one is wanting extra people in their house. Feelings will be hurt too with their little ones being left out.”

That is not the OP’s problem. And as a parent I would set an example for my children that sometimes we don’t always get invited to everyone’s party and to handle disappointment with grace. THAT is the parent’s responsibility.

 

It’s hers/groom’s party and their day; a once in a lifetime party that they pay thousands for and planed several months/years in advance. Yes, she may have guests turning down the invitation because of childcare concerns, but it is ultimately hers and the groom’s decision that should be respected. Having a child-free weddings does not break etiquette rules. Formal celebrations like weddings are not normally a kid-friendly celebration anyway - especially NOT for a four year old. If you invite kids, cool. If you don’t, that is fine too. Unfortunately you can’t please everybody with wedding planning, but as long as you are a proper host who treats their guests well then that’s what matters in the end.

YES. Thank you. It feels nice to have someone who understands 😅. We are limited to a MAXIMUM of 50 people at our venue due to covid restrictions. Unfortunately we don’t have enough space to invite EVERYONE. If we were going to invite her and she chose not to attend due to her child not being invited, that is her choice. However there are plenty of people who would be able to watch her daughter for free that are not attending the wedding so that should absolutely not be a concern.

[ValleyGirl123]

5 hours ago, abitbroken said:

There are sometimes bad apples.

The difference is:  The family that sets boundaries with the bad apple/recognizes a bad apple before the boyfriend/girlfriend comes on the scene.  I would not dump someone for having a crazy relative.  But if the rest of the family is not united about the relative, then THAT is the problem.

If other family always plays damage control, know their limits, etc that is different than when the one apple is viewed as the golden child.

Remember - these folks will be the grandparents and aunts/uncles of your kids.

Can you live with that?

No, its kind of impossible to have a life where you live an ideal life elsewhere without them in it. especially as the parents get older, they will be more and more in your lives.  If you cannot find yourself meshing with his family at all, this guy might be a great boyfriend, but not the one to marry

I would absolutely agree with what you said. Luckily, every single family member is in agreement that she is acting certifiably insane, which makes me feel a little better about the situation. If this was not the case, I would be very nervous to join the family officially.

[Deedp]

ValleyGirl123,

Babbbbyyyyy, are you sure you want to have to deal with that kind of drama in your life and marriage. Seems like her family cosigns her bad behavior and have allowed it to continue and get out of control to where she feels she can physically attack you. I would have called the laws asap and would give two ***s how my fiance or how his family felt about the situation. Think long and hard about marrying this man because you also marry the family and a marrige is hard already with two people.