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I think your fiance made an error on this all or nothing thing - does he really spend 100% time with you and never do anything just with his parents or sister?  Not an activity that is meant to make it a point to exclude you - but my guy will go to a guy thing with his dad for the afternoon or teach his sister how to change her tire or something. 

I would talk to your fiance and ask why they feel this way -- that you stole him. Could it be that he is talking one way to you, but talking another to them.  My ex used to not want to see his family and would make me the "excuse" - that we were not meeting them because *I* was not feeling well or something because he could not/would not be direct with them and tell them HE had other plans or did not want to.  I am thinking that maybe this is somewhat the case to contribute to them thinking that you are influencing him in a bad way.

If you do decide to marry - will it really hurt you to have his niece in the wedding and then she leaves wth a babysitter before the reception - remember its not just YOUR day -  a new family is being created.

I do agree that if she tried to assault you, you might reconsider marrying into this family unless the whole family is united that she is off her rocker but if the parents feel that you are also stealing him away than you should not

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9 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

I think your fiance made an error on this all or nothing thing - does he really spend 100% time with you and never do anything just with his parents or sister?  Not an activity that is meant to make it a point to exclude you - but my guy will go to a guy thing with his dad for the afternoon or teach his sister how to change her tire or something. 

I would talk to your fiance and ask why they feel this way -- that you stole him. Could it be that he is talking one way to you, but talking another to them.  My ex used to not want to see his family and would make me the "excuse" - that we were not meeting them because *I* was not feeling well or something because he could not/would not be direct with them and tell them HE had other plans or did not want to.  I am thinking that maybe this is somewhat the case to contribute to them thinking that you are influencing him in a bad way.

If you do decide to marry - will it really hurt you to have his niece in the wedding and then she leaves wth a babysitter before the reception - remember its not just YOUR day -  a new family is being created.

I do agree that if she tried to assault you, you might reconsider marrying into this family unless the whole family is united that she is off her rocker but if the parents feel that you are also stealing him away than you should not

It is definitely not “all or nothing”. He has spent plenty of time with all members of his family both with me and by himself. The problem lies in the fact that they are not used to sharing him and have the perspective they THEY are his family and come first over me. This is true when you first date someone, but priorities change when you are marrying someone.  I mentioned before that no one in his family is married and those that previously were are divorced. I think they they don’t really understand what a solid dynamic between husband and wife looks like since to them, they are all each other has (siblings + mom).

 

yes, I do think he could communicate better with them. That is something he recognizes and is actively trying to work on. As far as having the niece in my wedding, I’m sorry but this is just a hard no for me. Our venue is not meant for children (and also rather expensive) and we are also keeping it small due to covid restrictions and do not have the head count for kids. It would be very rude to allow one child and not another so our rule is no children, period (fair for all). All those excuses aside, I plainly don’t want to have kids (personal preference) in my wedding party. 
 

Yes I understand that a wedding is for families to celebrate, but I don’t feel as though I need to kowtow to the demands of someone who isn’t even supportive of me or our relationship in the first place. 
 

The entire family is in agreement that her behavior is completely and entirely unacceptable and crazy. No confusion or disagreement there at all.

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4 minutes ago, abitbroken said:

I think your fiance made an error on this all or nothing thing - does he really spend 100% time with you and never do anything just with his parents or sister?  Not an activity that is meant to make it a point to exclude you - but my guy will go to a guy thing with his dad for the afternoon or teach his sister how to change her tire or something. 

I would talk to your fiance and ask why they feel this way -- that you stole him. Could it be that he is talking one way to you, but talking another to them.  My ex used to not want to see his family and would make me the "excuse" - that we were not meeting them because *I* was not feeling well or something because he could not/would not be direct with them and tell them HE had other plans or did not want to.

Antibroken, good point. My husband does this too until recently I outted him via text to his mom and him. I said "hey just want to make sure we are all on the same page. XXXX used me again as a lie to get off the phone with you!" Granted his mom was on the phone with him for an hour long but her best friend just passed from COVID. 

I've told my husband not to used me as lie several times but when he did this during a tense and emotional call, it upset me because his mom is probably thinking I'm a heartless u know what. She doesn't know me well because we live 400 miles away from her and the last thing I want her to think about me is that I'm some bossy girlfriend. 

 

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Congratulations. It's fortune your fiance is on top of this and that you live at a distance.

Do you fear she may escalate? Does your fiance know if she has drug, drinking or mental health issues?

Is it possible she could cause problems at the wedding?

What are your fiance and family's insights on this?

Install a security system in your home with security cameras.

Reset your social media privacy settings. Do that with a broad brush stroke rather than block her specifically For example limit who can view your content.

Do you know why she is unstable? Would you consider a restraining order for specific contact with you?

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2 hours ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

That’s very fair advice but I do feel like this is my wedding and not hers, and it should (and will be) my decision as to how it will be conducted. Especially since I am the one footing the bill with my parents. I personally don’t want any children at my wedding and I don’t want children in my wedding party. It’s something I’ve always had in my mind for when it’s time for me to have my wedding and now that it’s here, nothing has changed. We are having our wedding at a very “adult” venue and I personally would prefer the guests to be able to enjoy themselves, dance, have fun, enjoy the open bar and not have to worry about a child to tend to. At the end of the day, this is my day (my one and only day) and she needs to be respectful of my choices. I’ve let her push me around long enough, and to be honest, my wedding day is not going to be one of those days. I do not want to look back and think how it wasn’t they way I wanted it to be because I let someone else call the shots. When (if) she gets married, she can do it however she wants! 
 

plus... having her 4 year old in a wedding party means I have to directly deal with her for every detail (obviously the kid is 4 and can’t do things herself). I would prefer to deal with her as minimally as possible at this point because to be honest she scared the living sh**t out of me and I’m not trying to get into a fight with this person.

You are correct.  It is your wedding, you and your parents are footing the bill and you have every right to make decisions regarding which age group is allowed at your wedding.

(My 4 year old sons and their young cousin were fine as flower girls and ring bearer and very well behaved.  Perhaps they were exceptions.)

As for your SIL, there's nothing you can do.  You can't control her.  You can't change people either.  All you can do is remain respectful, polite, well mannered yet keep a frosty distance.  This is my behavior whenever I'm uncomfortable with certain people in my midst. 

I've been married for a long time and I am the lady who "took" my MIL's (mother-in-law's) baby boy away.  Fortunately, FIL (father-in-law) is nice.  BIL (brother-in-law) is nice to me as well.  Then there's the spoiled, little brat SIL.  I simply stay away.  We are civil and fine.  It works.  However, none of us are besties. 

In the future, should your SIL explode at you, learn to get up and walk away.  Don't fight nor engage.  I agree with others, defer to your fiance or husband.  My husband is my buffer and shield.  I never confront his side of the family.  I never give them the opportunity to do anything to me.  If they want to deal with me, they have to go through their son or brother first (my husband).  Since they're all peaceful, there's nothing to say about me.  It's okay though.  I don't need anyone's approval.  We're all good as long as everyone stays in their lane and minds their own business. 

Enforce healthy boundaries with your in-laws just like I do and you will be fine.  Don't get personal.  Keep your relationships superficial or less than that. 

 

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14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Congratulations. It's fortune your fiance is on top of this and that you live at a distance.

Do you fear she may escalate? Does your fiance know if she has drug, drinking or mental health issues?

Is it possible she could cause problems at the wedding?

What are your fiance and family's insights on this?

Install a security system in your home with security cameras.

Reset your social media privacy settings. Do that with a broad brush stroke rather than block her specially. For example limit who can view your content.

Do you know why she is unstable? Would you consider a restraining order for specific contact with you?

So she has had problems in the past- she does have a criminal background and from what I understand she has some anger issues (go figure 😂). I don’t *think* she would physically attack me at the wedding, but who knows if something really set her off. No one thought she would ever escalate like she did in that public restaurant, and yet here we are. Would she be rude? Make snide comments? Give me the nonstop death glare the entire time? Boss me and him around? All very plausible. I would rather not have to worry about her ourbursts on the day of my wedding because she is not the type of person you can reason with when she gets in her “‘moods”.

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6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You are correct.  It is your wedding, you and your parents are footing the bill and you have every right to make decisions regarding which age group is allowed at your wedding.

(My 4 year old sons and their young cousin were fine as flower girls and ring bearer and very well behaved.  Perhaps they were exceptions.)

As for your SIL, there's nothing you can do.  You can't control her.  You can't change people either.  All you can do is remain respectful, polite, well mannered yet keep a frosty distance.  This is my behavior whenever I'm uncomfortable with certain people in my midst. 

I've been married for a long time and I am the lady who "took" my MIL's (mother-in-law's) baby boy away.  Fortunately, FIL (father-in-law) is nice.  BIL (brother-in-law) is nice to me as well.  Then there's the spoiled, little brat SIL.  I simply stay away.  We are civil and fine.  It works.  However, none of us are besties. 

In the future, should your SIL explode at you, learn to get up and walk away.  Don't fight nor engage.  I agree with others, defer to your fiance or husband.  My husband is my buffer and shield.  I never confront his side of the family.  I never give them the opportunity to do anything to me.  If they want to deal with me, they have to go through their son or brother first (my husband).  Since they're all peaceful, there's nothing to say about me.  It's okay though.  I don't need anyone's approval.  We're all good as long as everyone stays in their lane and minds their own business. 

Enforce healthy boundaries with your in-laws just like I do and you will be fine.  Don't get personal.  Keep your relationships superficial or less than that. 

 

I’m definitely not the person who ever fights back. When this happened I didn’t fight back in any way. Quite the opposite... I was about to start sobbing so I got up and quickly left the restaurant to remove myself (and to try and diffuse the situation). She did however run after me and chase me out and that’s when she *tried* to physically attack me. Lucky for me my fiancé chase her as well and grabbed her before she could get her hands on me!

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Have you considered having a very small wedding? Maybe just you and your future husband and a couple witnesses.

Yeah, it's not the dream wedding you hoped for, but it will work really well on not stepping on anyone's toes or causing rifts, hurt feelings (or risking an assault!).

You can just tell all of them that you've decided to have a small wedding instead and then no one has any cause for upset or holding anything against you.

The money you save, you and your husband can have a fabulous honeymoon.

It's something to consider in a sticky situation like this.

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2 hours ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

I’m definitely not the person who ever fights back. When this happened I didn’t fight back in any way. Quite the opposite... I was about to start sobbing so I got up and quickly left the restaurant to remove myself (and to try and diffuse the situation). She did however run after me and chase me out and that’s when she *tried* to physically attack me. Lucky for me my fiancé chase her as well and grabbed her before she could get her hands on me!

I'm sorry you're going through this.  Be brave and hang tough.  Remain firm yet peaceful. 

There are a lot of people whom I don't particular like whether it's colleagues, relatives, in-laws, some neighbors, or acquaintances which is universal.  I try my best to remain peaceful with everyone.  I may not feel close nor chummy towards them yet I'm respectful and well mannered albeit from a safe distance.  There is a way to handle people where you are in control and in the driver's seat.  It's part of life whether you marry into families who are not the 'Norman Rockwell fantasy' or if you can't always avoid abnormal people. 

As for your SIL, continue to defer to your fiance since this is his family. 

I like my in-laws to a point.  However, my husband is the one who chats with them on the phone or texts his relatives.  I stay out of it and whenever we're together, it's all good but I'm not close to them.  It's been this way for years and it works.  They never have an opportunity to be with me unless my husband is next to me.  This arrangement makes me feel safe and protected.  Whenever it's 1:1, I've noticed that people take more chances by saying something inappropriate or rude.  With my husband next to me, they're more apt to be conscientious with witnesses abound.  They behave with better manners. 

That was scary with your SIL though.  I'm glad you were safe.  Try to avoid her since she is mentally ill.  I stay away from abnormal people. 

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8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yikes. Sounds like a loose cannon. Can she not be invited or would she show up anyway causing problems?

I would hire security for the wedding/reception even if she is not invited. Let it be their job to enforce who arrives or stays out/kicks out. Don't rely on family/friends to take care of unruly/unwanted guests for you because it ruins their experience at YOUR wedding. It will cost money, but the price for maintaining a stress-free day and sanity is worth it.

After that attempt of assault, her wedding invitation is out the window. She has a criminal history of being violent and already displayed aggression, no thanks. Never, ever invite a person to a wedding who threatens you or your fiancé/husband. It will be a tough battle, but now is the time to set the tone in your impeding marriage that abuse/violence is not, nor ever tolerated. And I would make sure your fiancé is 120% on board with it - even if it means cutting out a family member who is violent.

Ultimately it is your husband's decision on how he handles family. But like everyone else mentioned, once you marry a spouse, his family is the package deal. Even at a distance, they will push boundaries (I know this as my husband's family lives outside the country and has tried a few times doing so when we had a kid). Now is the time to decide if marrying this man is worth it. He better have a strong backbone when handling family or you might well be on your way to separating.

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10 hours ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

and have the perspective they THEY are his family and come first over me

You're giving me PTSD lol!  My husband's family thinks this way and has actually publicly praised the other married couples (younger than us now) who, "Put The Family First ABOVE their marriage."  It's very mafia sounding, but there are families out there like this... it's insane.

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8 hours ago, Hollyj said:

What did the mother and uncle do when this happened?

This woman sounds quite unstable.  What does your bf want to do?

They were both mortified. The uncle stayed out of it but the mom tried to reason with her and got yelled at to be quiet.

 

my boyfriend says that she’s his sister and he would love to have her there because he Grew up close to her but is completely on my side and in agreement that her behavior was unacceptable. And that he wants to do whatever I feel comfortable with and understands if I don’t want her there.

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7 hours ago, SherrySher said:

Have you considered having a very small wedding? Maybe just you and your future husband and a couple witnesses.

Yeah, it's not the dream wedding you hoped for, but it will work really well on not stepping on anyone's toes or causing rifts, hurt feelings (or risking an assault!).

You can just tell all of them that you've decided to have a small wedding instead and then no one has any cause for upset or holding anything against you.

The money you save, you and your husband can have a fabulous honeymoon.

It's something to consider in a sticky situation like this.

We are actually already having a small wedding- less than 50 people. Which is why no kids- already keeping it small and don’t have headcount for peoples kids. We are only having immediate family and close friends!

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18 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

You're giving me PTSD lol!  My husband's family thinks this way and has actually publicly praised the other married couples (younger than us now) who, "Put The Family First ABOVE their marriage."  It's very mafia sounding, but there are families out there like this... it's insane.

It’s crazy! I don’t understand it! They have only been exposed to failed marriages so I just doubt they have any concept of what you are actually supposed to value and prioritize in a successful marriage 

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1 hour ago, Snny said:

I would hire security for the wedding/reception even if she is not invited. Let it be their job to enforce who arrives or stays out/kicks out. Don't rely on family/friends to take care of unruly/unwanted guests for you because it ruins their experience at YOUR wedding. It will cost money, but the price for maintaining a stress-free day and sanity is worth it.

After that attempt of assault, her wedding invitation is out the window. She has a criminal history of being violent and already displayed aggression, no thanks. Never, ever invite a person to a wedding who threatens you or your fiancé/husband. It will be a tough battle, but now is the time to set the tone in your impeding marriage that abuse/violence is not, nor ever tolerated. And I would make sure your fiancé is 120% on board with it - even if it means cutting out a family member who is violent.

Ultimately it is your husband's decision on how he handles family. But like everyone else mentioned, once you marry a spouse, his family is the package deal. Even at a distance, they will push boundaries (I know this as my husband's family lives outside the country and has tried a few times doing so when we had a kid). Now is the time to decide if marrying this man is worth it. He better have a strong backbone when handling family or you might well be on your way to separating.

That is exactly what I have been thinking. If I give in now, it makes it ok. Almost like giving a child who throws a temper tantrum in a store the candy they are screaming for. I feel like not inviting her would solve 3 things:

1) I’m scared of her and of being around her

2) she hates me and our engagement anyway; people there at the wedding should only be people who support the bride and groom

3) I am making it VERY clear that this behavior is not acceptable and there ARE consequences for acting like that. Clearly she’s gotten away with it in the past and that’s why she acts like that. Not with me. You do not act like they to me. Period. If you do, I will not have a relationship with you. 

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I'd like to give you a more positive story.

My sister in law and my mother didn't get along (to put it mildly). My brother took his wife's side. One day she physically attacked my mother and I jumped in to defend my mother. After that the relationship between my mom and I and my brother was essentially over since he supported his wife.

A year or so later I was getting married. My mother wanted me to invite my brother's wife. My brother was "giving me away" and my mother desperately wanted to try to reconcile with him. So I did invite her. She actually behaved well, and the wedding ended up being the catalyst for a reconciliation between all of us. After that we all got along well. She even asked me to be their youngest son's godmother.

So yes, toxic relationships don't always stay that way. If all parties want reconciliation it can happen.

Can you possibly all get together to talk before the wedding? Perhaps an attempt to hash everything out might be successful.

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26 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I'd like to give you a more positive story.

My sister in law and my mother didn't get along (to put it mildly). My brother took his wife's side. One day she physically attacked my mother and I jumped in to defend my mother. After that the relationship between my mom and I and my brother was essentially over since he supported his wife.

A year or so later I was getting married. My mother wanted me to invite my brother's wife. My brother was "giving me away" and my mother desperately wanted to try to reconcile with him. So I did invite her. She actually behaved well, and the wedding ended up being the catalyst for a reconciliation between all of us. After that we all got along well. She even asked me to be their youngest son's godmother.

So yes, toxic relationships don't always stay that way. If all parties want reconciliation it can happen.

Can you possibly all get together to talk before the wedding? Perhaps an attempt to hash everything out might be successful.

Yeah I think that’s a very good point. This whole thing happened about 2 months ago and she has not reached out to apologize one talk about it since. I think a conversation at this point is a good first step.

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Speaking as a person who hasn't seen or spoken to her MIL in 9 years, and my hubs hasn't spoken to her by choice in a year or so.  Who's stalked us, threatened us, tried to blackmail him, calls friends and families, and tell them we're in a "cult" and I tricked him into marrying us...even she was still invited to the wedding and on the invitation (common with parents on there for a Chinese wedding, even if they don't pay), but my wedding planner was instructed to escort her out if she tried anything, and she didn't even go.

Based on what you wrote throughout, I think they think you think you are better than them.  And probably why she does not like you.  And even if it's true or not, it's still an insecurity issue with herself.

I know it's your big day, but it's quite common to only let the flower girl and ring bearer be the only kids at an adult only wedding.  And they get send home early.

I would ask your fiancé to talk to her, and find out why she doesn't like you or agree to your marriage.  Don't bring up the whole, they don't have good role models business - that mindset will BITE you in the ass, because the guy you are marrying grew up in the same house.  I am sure you will not appreciate him saying after an argument or major issue when trying to work things out, "but hey, I don't know better, right!?"  So that assumption that they don't know is moot.

But if she's just a plain ol' nutjob, you DO NOT need anyone's permission on whether to speak to her again.  She hasn't apologized, and you can't enable crap behavior. Don't feel guilty about it - if a dog bites you without being provoked, you don't ask it to sleep in bed with you.

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32 minutes ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

Yeah I think that’s a very good point. This whole thing happened about 2 months ago and she has not reached out to apologize one talk about it since. I think a conversation at this point is a good first step.

What will you do if she refuses to apologize (still)?  Or if she blames you or takes no responsibility for her actions?

 

 

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44 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

Speaking as a person who hasn't seen or spoken to her MIL in 9 years, and my hubs hasn't spoken to her by choice in a year or so.  Who's stalked us, threatened us, tried to blackmail him, calls friends and families, and tell them we're in a "cult" and I tricked him into marrying us...even she was still invited to the wedding and on the invitation (common with parents on there for a Chinese wedding, even if they don't pay), but my wedding planner was instructed to escort her out if she tried anything, and she didn't even go.

Based on what you wrote throughout, I think they think you think you are better than them.  And probably why she does not like you.  And even if it's true or not, it's still an insecurity issue with herself.

I know it's your big day, but it's quite common to only let the flower girl and ring bearer be the only kids at an adult only wedding.  And they get send home early.

I would ask your fiancé to talk to her, and find out why she doesn't like you or agree to your marriage.  Don't bring up the whole, they don't have good role models business - that mindset will BITE you in the ass, because the guy you are marrying grew up in the same house.  I am sure you will not appreciate him saying after an argument or major issue when trying to work things out, "but hey, I don't know better, right!?"  So that assumption that they don't know is moot.

But if she's just a plain ol' nutjob, you DO NOT need anyone's permission on whether to speak to her again.  She hasn't apologized, and you can't enable crap behavior. Don't feel guilty about it - if a dog bites you without being provoked, you don't ask it to sleep in bed with you.

I in no way think I’m better than them. Every person and family is different and deals with different challenges (mine is no exception to that statement). The comments I made throughout are only what my S/O has told me after numerous conversations we have had about why they have acted and conducted themselves the way they have. These are the excuses and reasons he has given me. My relationship with everyone else in the family is fine- no arguments or ANYTHING remotely or the sort. We spend enjoyable time together- I might not be their “best friend” but we are absolutely cordial and friendly.

 

the sister is the only one who has acted so erratically. And everyone in the family is in agreement that she is without a doubt crazy and uncontrollable at times.

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45 minutes ago, maritalbliss86 said:

 

What will you do if she refuses to apologize (still)?  Or if she blames you or takes no responsibility for her actions?

 

 

*sigh* I don’t know... I have a feeling if she does apologize if will not be sincere (and my S/O is in agreement on this). It would more like be an apology because she got caught doing something wrong and is apologizing for getting caught rather than her action itself.

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