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My fiancé and I have been together for almost 5 years and we got engaged a couple months ago before Christmas. When we first started dating, I never had any issues with his sister (I actually thought she was the coolest!). However, as time went on, I realized she really didn’t like me. She looked at me like the person taking him away from family because he was spending all his time with me  (we moved in together, moved to another state together for work). She would make snide comments and just generally rude to me (to my face and behind my back). I let it roll off my shoulders because I’m not great at confrontation.

 

When he told her he was planning to propose, she told him not to do it and basically that I’m an awful person to marry. Same thing when we got engaged- not a happy reaction AT ALL. It was tough to see someone so upset about us getting engaged when we were so excited to take this step together, but again, let it slide because it wasn’t worth the confrontation.

 

We went to dinner with her, his mom and uncle to celebrate the holidays and at dinner they asked about wedding plans. My fiancé told them we were barely started with planning but had a guest list and were planning to have an adult only wedding (no kids). She took this incredibly personally (she has a 4 y/o daughter) and became very upset in the restaurant.

 

LONG STORY SHORT... She got incredibly angry (honestly borderline pure rage) and blew up in the restaurant. She began screaming at me (blaming me), cussing at me, telling me I’m a terrible and manipulative person. I said nothing back because I was purely shocked by her reaction and in tears. I got up to remove myself from the situation (it was humiliating and quite a scene in the restaurant) and she then chased me out of the restaurant trying to physically assault me. My fiancé had to physically restrain her to prevent her from actually hurting me.
 

I don’t know how to handle her and our relationship. I’m terrified of this person and the level of rage she is capable of reaching. She clearly hates me and does not support our decision to get married. Bottom line is I don’t want her at my wedding.... Am I wrong if I don’t invite her? Any thoughts?

Edited by ValleyGirl123
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Am I being too sensitive if we don’t invite her? The last thing I want is drama... But I can’t take anymore toxicity. Wedding planning is already stressful enough. But I feel like if I still invite her it makes what she did OK like I’m not standing up for myself.

Edited by ValleyGirl123
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This is pretty serious. This woman hates you and will assault you given the chance.

This isn't a bump in the road, it is a huge divide and it could be a deal breaker between you and your fiance.

With how big of a problem this is between you and her, your fiance is going to have to basically choose between you and her.

There is no way she is going to accept you and if you appear at any family events, more drama like this is expected.

If he chooses you, he will have to tell her that what she did was completely unacceptable and that she is no longer is either of your lives. As well as tell her to not cause any problems for either of you.

If removing her from his life is going to cause upset for more family members, then he will again have to choose.

There is no other choice here.

We're not talking about a sister in law that finds you annoying, we're talking about a sister in law that is ready to assault you and things could get really crazy if you two are in each others presence again.

If you don't want to make him choose, or if he refuses to have his sister out of his life, then you are going to accept that you and he are not going to work out.

Edited by SherrySher
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12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

You don’t need to handle her, your fiancé does . She is his sister. You need to bring this up with him that you don’t want her at your wedding. Families are not always the most pleasant I know. 

I second this.  This is not for you to sort out. It is HIS family.  He needs to step up and let them know her behaviour is not acceptable.  Either she treats you with common courtesy or she doesn't get invited.  HE needs to tell her this.

Do the rest of his family accept you and support you?

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1 minute ago, Capricorn3 said:

I second this.  This is not for you to sort out. It is HIS family.  He needs to step up and let them know her behaviour is not acceptable.  Either she treats you with common courtesy or she doesn't get invited.  HE needs to tell her this.

Do the rest of his family accept you and support you?

The rest of his family is accepting for the most part. His brother and mom have the “stealing him away from us” mentality but no one in his family is married. His dad has been divorced twice. So I think there’s just trust issues in general when it comes to marriage. I don’t think they understand that a successful marriage means putting each other first. Not saying to forget family all together, but he and I are starting our own family together and we need to be there for each other.

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16 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

If she comes to your wedding you will have a repeat of the restaurant. You need to talk to him. Being physically assaulted is in no way acceptable. 

My thoughts exactly. She can't come to the wedding, end of. Your wedding will be a disaster guaranteed if she comes.

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4 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

This is pretty serious. This woman hates you and will assault you given the chance.

This isn't a bump in the road, it is a huge divide and it could be a deal breaker between you and your fiancee.

With how big of a problem this is between you and her, your fiancee is going to have to basically choose between you and her.

There is no way she is going to accept you and if you appear at any family events, more drama like this is expected.

If he chooses you, he will have to tell her that what she did was completely unacceptable and that she is no longer is either of your lives. As well as tell her to not cause any problems for either of you.

If removing her from his life is going to cause upset for more family members, then he will again have to choose.

There is no other choice here.

We're not talking about a sister in law that finds you annoying, we're talking about a sister in law that is ready to assault you and things could get really crazy if you two are in each others presence again.

If you don't want to make him choose, or if he refuses to have his sister out of his life, then you are going to accept that you and he are not going to work out.

I agree. He says he wouldn’t let her hurt me and that he’s never seen her act like that before. But that’s what scares me honestly. I don’t know what I did to get her to that level of rage. She didn’t end up hitting me but she lunged at me trying to and he yanked her back. To be honest she is just crazy and I don’t want to be around someone that’s toxic like that.

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So the brother and mom also seem to have a resentful attitude towards you.  I feel really bad for you because this doesn't sound like a fun family to be marrying into.  I do hope that your fiance is a strong enough character who is able to stand up to his family and stand up for you if they cross the line.

When reading all of your posts my instant reaction was .... "marry him but move far, far, faaaar away from all of them!" lol.   I wish you luck.

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3 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

So the brother and mom also seem to have a resentful attitude towards you.  I feel really bad for you because this doesn't sound like a fun family to be marrying into.  I do hope that your fiance is a strong enough character who is able to stand up to his family and stand up for you if they cross the line.

When reading all of your posts my instant reaction was .... "marry him but move far, far, faaaar away from all of them!" lol.   I wish you luck.

It’s been very tough, not gonna lie. No ones reaction aside from his dad and stepmom were that great about us getting engaged. But I love him, so I tolerate. This event just pushed me over the edge and I honestly can’t take anymore of the snide comments (hence me not wanting to invite her). But I also don’t want to create more drama by not inviting her. Hence my dilemma haha

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7 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

So the brother and mom also seem to have a resentful attitude towards you.  I feel really bad for you because this doesn't sound like a fun family to be marrying into.  I do hope that your fiance is a strong enough character who is able to stand up to his family and stand up for you if they cross the line.

When reading all of your posts my instant reaction was .... "marry him but move far, far, faaaar away from all of them!" lol.   I wish you luck.

Yeah they have gotten better but still not the biggest fans of us getting married. The brother doesn’t agree with marriage at all and never wants to get married.

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15 minutes ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

Am I being too sensitive if we don’t invite her? The last thing I want is drama... But I can’t take anymore toxicity. Wedding planning is already stressful enough. But I feel like if I still invite her it makes what she did OK like I’m not standing up for myself.

Personally I think it will probably cause more drama if you don't invite her.  With situations like this, you're in a no-win situation sadly.  If you think she's going to violently attack you at your own wedding, then you definitely have cause not to invite her.

But you need to understand the bigger picture here... marrying this man will mean you'll have drama (more than likely) all of your life.  It's a huge (frankly terrible) sacrifice you'll have to make by marrying into his toxic family.  If she's that toxic, there's a strong likelihood there are other relatives who are also just as, if not more, toxic like his mother or father.  She learned (or got away with) her behavior from somewhere, and it's going to affect your entire married life whether you want it to or not.  

I married into a very toxic, drama-causing family and it's sadly been affecting us negatively for our entire marriage (and it's not getting better really... they're actually getting worse in some ways).  We still have an almost perfect feeling marriage, very much in love, but it's been constant pain, rejection, betrayal-type things with his family members.  Now we're seeing it's effects on our kids, which is very unfair to them.  We're learning to handle it better, but it's taken me over 10 years to realize that you really can't separate a man from his toxic, horrible relatives... they come together... and it will cause you pain, drama, and tons of stress over the years even if your husband handles them as best he can.  Cutting them out also makes everyone else (extended family) think you, "don't care," and they may demonize you/gossip about you both, and that also comes with it's own set of drama.

This woman will be the Aunt to your future kids... think about that for a minute!  Even if you cut her out of your lives, she'll always be, "the estranged Aunt."  And when your kids are older, she may be sneaky and try to reach out to them on her own in really creepy ways (one of my husband's Aunts has done that to our oldest LOL... really creeped him out!).  

Toxic people are crazy... and they don't ever stop their drama.  You can only try to, "manage," it, but I've noticed they never really stop.

His mom (who you've said thinks of you as taking him away...) she'll be your kids' Grandmother you'll have to see and deal with periodically.  She may get better and accept you, or she may actually get worse overtime.  If you're ok with that becoming a major negative in your life, marry him, but please don't think this will stop somehow by your cutting out the sister,,, or not inviting her to the wedding.  Marrying into a toxic family is more than just one event... it really does affect your entire life overtime and your kids' lives in negative ways.

If you do go the route of cutting this sister out of your lives, it may affect they way other relatives like his mom and dad, or any extended family, treat you, because they may be mad you're not, "fair," to her or, "giving her a second chance."  And if you do give her a second chance, it still may never be enough because they may have serious mental issues that you just can't fix yourself (we've also experienced that).  

Sorry to sound so dismal!  LOL  You can still have a great marriage, but please don't think this is about whether or not to invite her... it may be good to analyze the bigger picture here, and see if you'll be able to handle all of the potential negatives.

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8 minutes ago, ValleyGirl123 said:

Yeah they have gotten better but still not the biggest fans of us getting married. The brother doesn’t agree with marriage at all and never wants to get married.

That would be his problem and he doesn’t need to make it your problem. Your fiancé needs to tell his brother to keep his opinion to himself. He doesn’t need to stuff his opinion down other people’s  throats. No one is asking him to get married. 

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You don’t have to spend time with people who are mean to you. 
 

I would disinvite her from the wedding and I would disinvite myself from his family gatherings. Give him your blessing to catch up with his fam but you don’t need to walk into a house of bees for him. 
 

Maybe also ask him how he’ll feel if you do the above. If he’s anything other than supportive of this strategy I would give that long and hard consideration. I don’t think you can survive this if he’s not onboard with being a buffer between you and his family members who are openly aggressively hostile to you (also anyone who is mean and can’t muster a basic amount of cool and polite!). I hope he’s on board. Really I wish he was the one disinviting the sister, he’s putting you in harms way by not doing so. 

Edited by 1a1a
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Yeah, out of obligation, I guess she'd have to be included 😞 

Her behaviour is pathetic!  Rude, insensitive.. wow!

And your bf did and said NOTHING??  I'd be out there, chasing after the girl & tell her to get away!

Totally unacceptable.

I suggest you have a good heart to heart with HIM and ask him wth?

He must know a little more on this.. with her?  And why does he say or do nothing.. but allow it?  Omg  😞 

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11 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah, out of obligation, I guess she'd have to be included 😞 

Her behaviour is pathetic!  Rude, insensitive.. wow!

And your bf did and said NOTHING??  I'd be out there, chasing after the girl & tell her to get away!

Totally unacceptable.

I suggest you have a good heart to heart with HIM and ask him wth?

He must know a little more on this.. with her?  And why does he say or do nothing.. but allow it?  Omg  😞 

He definitely stood up for me- he chased after her and prevented her from her from getting physical while also telling her off. I just feel bad because I have estranged family on my side and I don’t want that for my future family. But at the same time she isn’t the type of person I want to associate (based on her temper and her actions) and I sure as heck don’t want my future children around someone who acts like that. 
 

We have talked about it a lot and he is fully on board with us not inviting her. I guess my problem is more of my conscience.... am I being a bad fiancé to HIM for not having his sister at our wedding. And I driving him away from his family? That kind of stuff keeps running through my head and I just feel torn.

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Ohh okay.. good on him :) 

Well, if he agree's with this, not inviting her- then go with that.

I'd dis-own someone like that!  And no, to having her around family...

BUT, you should feel you can be yourself and be okay (comfortable enough) to be able to live happily enough.

What's he say- ?  If you guys live close to that hot mess.. can you move- so less is more- for your end?

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1 minute ago, SooSad33 said:

Ohh okay.. good on him 🙂

Well, if he agree's with this, not inviting her- then go with that.

I'd dis-own someone like that!  And no, to having her around family...

BUT, you should feel you can be yourself and be okay (comfortable enough) to be able to live happily enough.

What's he say- ?  If you guys live close to that hot mess.. can you move- so less is more- for your end?

Luckily for us we live like 40 min away so we are far ENOUGH not to be around all that much!! But yeah if I just considered my own feelings and not his (which obviously I shouldn’t) I’d 100% disown her and never speak to her again 😂. But she is his sister, so I do have to be considerate to some extent. But just trying to scale the first hurdle at this point and decide on a path for the wedding. The other stuff we can figure out later. 

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Yup, well someone like this is Toxic!

He should not expect you to be around someone like this.

For the good of you both.  

Crazy woman... fps  😞 

Yes, as for your wedding plans, do as you will, pay no mind to her antics... this is for you two  :) 

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Based upon experience and as a lady whose been married for a long time, I say:  Pick your battles.  Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Choose the latter and be a peacemaker. 

My in-laws have their quirks, foibles, shortcomings, various character defects, flaws and while I'm intolerant, I try my very best to keep the peace which is priceless.  Become shrewd.

If I were you, I'd ask your SIL if her daughter could be the flower girl as part of your bridal party.  Before anyone says that you're caving or acquiescing, I say, it's more intelligent to take the high road.  When it comes to this life or in-laws, you have to think about your long term harsh consequences or attain the best outcome possible.  Being humble doesn't mean you are defeated.  There is a way to unruffle SIL's feathers and while keeping harmony with the family you are marrying into.  I'm telling you, it's not worth butting heads, strife and discord otherwise you are setting yourself up for more battles, resentment, bitterness, arguments and division between you and your SIL for years to come.  Remember, peace with your in-laws means peace with your fiance and husband.  Smooth things over.  I think this would be the more mature and peaceful route to take.  Don't be mad, be smart.  Know that your maneuver and strategy can be smarter if you play your cards right.  I've done this with my in-laws and it does wonders to maintain peace.  You don't have to love your SIL or any of your in-laws.  However, you need to truly remember to practice good diplomacy for your and your fiance's  engagement and marriage's survival.  You can be a peaceful person without being chummy and close.  This is how I've behaved forever and it really works.  It may not be the scenario you wish for but peace trumps discord and ill will any day.  Look at the big picture and think of your long term relations in the future.  You want to avoid awkwardness and hatred at all costs.  Be the bigger person.  My late father taught me:  "Throw a stone at a person and they'll throw a stone back at you.  If they throw a stone at you, throw a flower at that person and they'll throw a flower back at you."  Be more calculating so it protects you, your marriage and future.  Be smart.   Kill your SIL with kindness.  It will pay off later.  You'll see. 

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45 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Based upon experience and as a lady whose been married for a long time, I say:  Pick your battles.  Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  Choose the latter and be a peacemaker. 

My in-laws have their quirks, foibles, shortcomings, various character defects, flaws and while I'm intolerant, I try my very best to keep the peace which is priceless.  Become shrewd.

If I were you, I'd ask your SIL if her daughter could be the flower girl as part of your bridal party.  Before anyone says that you're caving or acquiescing, I say, it's more intelligent to take the high road.  When it comes to this life or in-laws, you have to think about your long term harsh consequences or attain the best outcome possible.  Being humble doesn't mean you are defeated.  There is a way to unruffle SIL's feathers and while keeping harmony with the family you are marrying into.  I'm telling you, it's not worth butting heads, strife and discord otherwise you are setting yourself up for more battles, resentment, bitterness, arguments and division between you and your SIL for years to come.  Remember, peace with your in-laws means peace with your fiance and husband.  Smooth things over.  I think this would be the more mature and peaceful route to take.  Don't be mad, be smart.  Know that your maneuver and strategy can be smarter if you play your cards right.  I've done this with my in-laws and it does wonders to maintain peace.  You don't have to love your SIL or any of your in-laws.  However, you need to truly remember to practice good diplomacy for your and your fiance's  engagement and marriage's survival.  You can be a peaceful person without being chummy and close.  This is how I've behaved forever and it really works.  It may not be the scenario you wish for but peace trumps discord and ill will any day.  Look at the big picture and think of your long term relations in the future.  You want to avoid awkwardness and hatred at all costs.  Be the bigger person.  My late father taught me:  "Throw a stone at a person and they'll throw a stone back at you.  If they throw a stone at you, throw a flower at that person and they'll throw a flower back at you."  Be more calculating so it protects you, your marriage and future.  Be smart.   Kill your SIL with kindness.  It will pay off later.  You'll see. 

That’s very fair advice but I do feel like this is my wedding and not hers, and it should (and will be) my decision as to how it will be conducted. Especially since I am the one footing the bill with my parents. I personally don’t want any children at my wedding and I don’t want children in my wedding party. It’s something I’ve always had in my mind for when it’s time for me to have my wedding and now that it’s here, nothing has changed. We are having our wedding at a very “adult” venue and I personally would prefer the guests to be able to enjoy themselves, dance, have fun, enjoy the open bar and not have to worry about a child to tend to. At the end of the day, this is my day (my one and only day) and she needs to be respectful of my choices. I’ve let her push me around long enough, and to be honest, my wedding day is not going to be one of those days. I do not want to look back and think how it wasn’t they way I wanted it to be because I let someone else call the shots. When (if) she gets married, she can do it however she wants! 
 

plus... having her 4 year old in a wedding party means I have to directly deal with her for every detail (obviously the kid is 4 and can’t do things herself). I would prefer to deal with her as minimally as possible at this point because to be honest she scared the living sh**t out of me and I’m not trying to get into a fight with this person.

Edited by ValleyGirl123
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Also just to be clear- if this were ANY other person on this earth that acted like that, I would have called the police in that very moment and filed a police report for assault. They would be permanently out of my life no questions asked.

 

The only reason this is even up for debate at all, is because she is my future sister in law.

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