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Hello. I am being concerned lately about some changes in my relationship and I need another perspective into this.

I'll begin with explaining my situation. 

I've been together with my boyfriend for 2 years now. Until November we've been together nonstop, doing many things like travelling around with the van, organising parties, going to festivals, building stuff, painting together and so on. Shortly after we got together my bf got knee surgery and he stayed at my place for 2 months and I took care of him, after that we started organising parties and travelling together across Europe. After we returned he asked me to move at his house, where he lives with his mother and younger brother, so I did. I didn't get along well with his mother as she is older, but I was in extremely good terms with his brother. After like 9 months, and after 3 months of lockdown things got tense with his folks and his brother started hating me as he thought I hid his wallet so he couldn't come with us abroad and threatened to kill me and made a huge scene, as he heard me once tell my bf that I only wanted to go with him. In the beginning, his mom understood the situation but eventually took his brother's side. So anyway, we went to different countries and ended up staying with the van in germany for a months, doing random things and even though it was tough, we had fun but returned to our country to "regroup" and the plan was to leave again. That didn't happen because I found out I was pregnant but he convinced me to have an abortion as it really wasn't a suitable time for it and we were not in any position to raise a child at the moment. Shortly after that I had a psychotic episode, seeing and hearing things and I also became very difficult as I got mad every time he talked or wanted to see his family, which depended on him to work on building something because they were struggling with money so his aid was essential. At this time we were staying at my moms. I ended up staying at the mental hospital for a week to get checked and get treatment in another, time when he lived on the streets in the van or on friend's couches just to be close to me. In this timeframe I also became very codepended and jealous and would make scenes if he talked to girls or things like that. After I got back home I started getting better and he kinda "put me in my place" as he just left to do his business at home, working all day. Soon after he started talking to random girls online, even telling one that he intends to meet her (I knew this because we shared the devices we used and all of our accounts were logged into every one of them) so I ended up making a scene and blocked her, but my mental issues went berzerk and an amnesic episode began (I suddenly forgot the events of the past months almost completely) so after this he tried to calm me and make me remember stuff and even tell me he blocked that girl so I shouldn't worry and also to trust him. Anyway, time passed and he would continue to visit me every weekend and spend 2 nights/ week with me, which is nice but I was used to being together all the time and I couldn't go to his place as his family doesn't want me there. He even spent Christmas with me, even though his mom's mother just died and she was really upset, he came despite that but on Nye he organised a party at his place with friends that came from different cities and abroad, but didn't invite me because his folks made a scene. When that happened I had a mini episode again and my mom called him and he didn't come, but phoned my best friend and sent her to me. After this he didn't say anything to me for a few days, but kept asking my friend how I am doing. Since then a friend of his that lives in another country has been staying with him to film snowboard stuff and build something for that and been on a few ski trips, but he broke one of his legs. Even if so, he continued to help his friend with his filming because he came in the country specifically for that. In this time (since nye) he passed to visit me 2 times with his friend when they were going to another city to buy something and another 2 sundays alone with his leg broken, just to paint with me and then we ate something together and had sex, but he only stayed like 4 hours every time. He keeps saying that he can't stay longer because he has to finish the stuff with his friend or stay with his mother as she is really sad and that he knows that stuff is complicated but it will be better or "we will find a way". He also keeps telling me how he makes fun with a friend by asking random girls on insta to "send butt pics" or how they made tinder accounts for fun and after getting matches telling them "no thank you" and stuff like that, but he also follows a looot of girls on insta, even the one he told me he blocked, even though I remember now that I did it. I am much better now mentally and at the end of my treatment and since the episode from nye I didn't have any issues and my jealous and needy outbreaks stopped with the psychiatric treatment. I was thinking last week how I want him to be proud of me and sunday when he came he told me out of nowhere that he is proud of me which blew my mind and I keep seeing good signs everywhere and when I start feeling sad I coincidently get messaged by him which is really nice. Another thing is that when I was ill he would get upset everytime I tried to make future plans with him or talk about us, telling me to focus on getting better or get over my abandoment issues. This time was really hard for him as he had to deal with me being crazy, his father which lives abroad also was institutionalised in a mental hospital for maniac depression and kept calling saying he is killing himself and that he ruined his life, his mother and brother kept pressuring him and being unreasonable and he also struggled financially. 

The point is, after all this he seems really distant to me but since I had this mental issues I might not be able to see clearly what happens and might be dellusional and paranoid for no reason. He keeps reassuring me in his ways, even though he avoids being too lovable as he was before, but ultimately keeps checking on me and making mini plans like "next month we have to buy paint" or stuff like that even if he avoids talking about us or avoids having more serious conversations. I also stopped being crazy and he tells me that now I am the most sane one out of everyone and admires my perspective on life and that I am trying to make something of myself again and get my driver's license and started working again and moved on my own in my old apartment. He used to be crazy about me and always made me his no 1 priority and maybe I just got used to that, which seems unhealthy.

I don't know if what I've written here makes any sense because it's all a mess in my head, but the idea is that: what do you think is in his mind? do you think he still loves me and want to be with me or is he trying to pull away?  is it that i just suffocated him and now he needs some time to cooldown? because he is still showing interest and he cuddles me when we see eachother and always gives me updates of what he is building and filming with his friend and stuff like that despite the recent harsh times I put him through with my psychosis and his other problems. Also, the first time we saw eachother alone after the nye little-contact period he constantly had tears in his eyes when kissing and holding me.

I don't even know what to ask you so please just give me some objective insight and how can I keep making this better. I really want things to be better than before.

Thank you.

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Seems okay to me, despite all he has been through- sounds like HE is carrying quite a load 😞 

Can only expect the guy to pull away a bit... with all that stress.

If one lacks interest, there will be signs, less contact, distancing, moods, etc.  He doesn't seem to be doing much of that, right?  Basically a little less time with you- but still shows affection.

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I don't think he loves you anymore, I'm sorry to say. 

He's soliciting other women online. That isn't a "joke." That's a man shopping for other options, and it has zero place in a relationship. 

I think you two will be parting ways soon, and that's likely in your best interests. He's not invested in you the way he once was. 

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It's stressful times. Nothing will get better until the both of you have steady work, have a decent home to live in, and finical stability. Getting steady treatment should be part of your goal. There is no cure for mental illness it has to be maintained under a doctors advisement, and I hope you get that. Having a plan in action should be discussed. That will give hope and something to look forward to...and take the stress off everyone. This will take team work...once you two can establish your goals, and set things in motion, things should go back to being good again.

Edited by smackie9
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Well he is carrying quite a load, and he did kinda distance for a while but now he seems to be getting closer and closer.

And I do understand what soliciting women online means, but shouldn't I take into consideration the effect the stress could have on an individual and lead them to find some comfort in such things? I mean, he tells me about this stuff so if he really was "shopping" for real, wouldn't that be kept secret?

I also hope that getting our lives in order will fix everything and it sound only logical, but is hard to see the big picture from my des-erate perspective at the moment.

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5 hours ago, needassurance said:

And I do understand what soliciting women online means, but shouldn't I take into consideration the effect the stress could have on an individual and lead them to find some comfort in such things? I mean, he tells me about this stuff so if he really was "shopping" for real, wouldn't that be kept secret?

You're trying to justify your reaction to his antics, which screams denial.  Since when is "soliciting women online" due to stress?  That's a new one.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but rather than sell yourself short, why not raise your value?

 

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10 hours ago, needassurance said:

And I do understand what soliciting women online means, but shouldn't I take into consideration the effect the stress could have on an individual and lead them to find some comfort in such things? I mean, he tells me about this stuff so if he really was "shopping" for real, wouldn't that be kept secret?

Good grief, no. Absolutely not. 

That is indicative of your level of denial, and unwillingness to see reality.

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15 hours ago, needassurance said:

I ended up staying at the mental hospital for a week to get checked and get treatment in another,

my mental issues went berzerk and an amnesic episode began 

I had a mini episode again 

Sorry this happened. It would be best to get help from social services and take care of the mental health issues and psychotic episodes.

It can be very disruptive, but with proper consistent treatment, you'll feel better.

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