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Is my boyfriend right for me or am I thinking into it too much?


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Hi guys,

So yes, it's me again, I have asked about this man on here twice before because I've always had periods of being so unsure of the relationship. Neither of these were because of him, but because I've never had a real relationship so I don't know what it's supposed to be like and I'm so anxious about it going wrong when we get more serious.

First question, if I'm having this many doubts about the relationship, does it mean it's not right for me? Or can I just blame my anxiety for all the overthinking I do?

 

Second "question" is more of a problem than a question.

I first of all want to point out that we get on soooo well, like best mates at times. He's really funny when he's being serious but he sometimes just goes so weird, I can't even explain it.

As we're getting more and more comfortable together, his sense of humor is coming out more. He finds it funny to do and say really really weird things. I try to ignore it so much that I can't even think of an example. Aside from last night, when he sent me a picture of his bare butt.

I feel that he acts like I'm more of one of the lads rather than his girlfriend? 

He said that in his previous relationship, they were together for 3 years, she used to try and "change" him and didn't like him showing his real personality and humour. He didn't like it at all. He says she tried to make him stop being himself and turned him into a different person. I'm now thinking that he was the same with her and she asked him to stop, to which he reacted badly.

He said before he wants someone that appreciates the weird side of him. Is this really a personality trait? I feel like it's a decision to send me a picture of his ass? I literally have no idea. He'll also do things like lick my face when we're cuddling and it's just so cringy to me. He'll also get his face really close to mine and shout things he thinks are funny.

I adore this guy, there's an amazing side to him. So considerate and thoughtful and kind. But then he gets in one of these weird moods and I find myself finding him unattractive and questioning our whole relationship.

I feel like if he said to me he doesn't like when I do something, I'd stop. But I'm worried he'll get mad at me for asking him to treat me more of a girlfriend and less of one of his lads. I'm scared he'll think that I'm trying to change him as a person like he says his ex was.

Of course, I could be in the wrong and could sound like an awful girlfriend right now, please tell me!

Please help!

Edited by Charlie19
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1 hour ago, Charlie19 said:

First question, if I'm having this many doubts about the relationship, does it mean it's not right for me? .

 he sent me a picture of his bare butt.

Yes your doubts are warranted.

He seems morbidly immature. You have to question his "sense of humor".

This is supposed to be a relationship, not an audition for the "Jack as" show.

No it's not your anxiety, it's that he's an idiot and his last GF rightfully dumped him for it.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

He said that in his previous relationship, they were together for 3 years, she used to try and "change" him and didn't like him showing his real personality and humour. He didn't like it at all. He says she tried to make him stop being himself and turned him into a different person. I'm now thinking that he was the same with her and she asked him to stop, to which he reacted badly.

Yes, she very well may have had the same problem with him. And what I don't like is that he's setting you up to be 'better than' or 'worse than' his last girlfriend, like he's the prize in some competition. Don't buy into that manipulative nonsense.

Make it your rule of thumb not to date guys that trash their ex girlfriends like this. Steer clear whenever you see this type of behavior. It's bad news.

2 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

I feel like it's a decision to send me a picture of his ass? I literally have no idea. He'll also do things like lick my face when we're cuddling and it's just so cringy to me. He'll also get his face really close to mine and shout things he thinks are funny.

It is a decision. You have the right to your own opinions, and he can decide whether he wants to honor those opinions and feelings or not. If you don't like it when he licks your face, he should decide not to lick your face. If you don't like it when he shouts in your face, he should decide not to shout in your face. If you don't like receiving pictures of his bare ass, then he should decide not to send you pictures of his bare ass.

It's really very simple.

He should be able to respect your feelings without acting like he's some kind of victim. Period. He is not an infant.

Edited by Jibralta
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1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

Yes, she very well may have had the same problem with him. And what I don't like is that he's setting you up to be 'better than' or 'worse than' his last girlfriend, like he's the prize in some competition. Don't buy into that manipulative nonsense.

Make it your rule of thumb not to date guys that trash their ex girlfriends like this. Steer clear whenever you see this type of behavior. It's bad news.

It is a decision. You have the right to your own opinions, and he can decide whether he wants to honor those opinions and feelings or not. If you don't like it when he licks your face, he should decide not to lick your face. If you don't like it when he shouts in your face, he should decide not to shout in your face. If you don't like receiving pictures of his bare ass, then he should decide not to send you pictures of his bare ass.

It's really very simple.

He should be able to respect your feelings without acting like he's some kind of victim. Period. He is not an infant.

Yes, I agree.  Yesterday my male coworker made burping sounds on purpose and made up a song in a fake southern accent about his truck, etc. and may have said some silly/immature things about a youtube video he was watching. Except my coworker is 11 and is my son and we're teleworking/virtual schooling.  So it's really funny and totally appropriate LOL (well I can't encourage the burping thing but I pick my battles!).  But -my son who is 11 would never ever do any of those things while in class via zoom or in person - and he's very aware of how to behave in different situations.  He makes mistakes like we all do at times - but the point is he cares.  A lot.  And gets embarrassed if he unintentionally says something or types something - your boyfriend doesn't care -he wants to let it all hang out and if you think it's disprespectful then you're trying to make him change.  Nope.

So yes some might like his weird sense of humor and that's their thing.  It wouldn't be mine and it's totally fine to accept that other women might be turned on by this but he is not.  There's a Sex and the City episode where Charlotte dates a guy who licks her face when he kisses her -I think.  Believe me it wasn't a turn on in that episode either.

  

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In a healthy sane relationship, you'll never ever find yourself saying, "he is really great...except when he is licking my face or insert some other creepy action here."

It's not that he is immature, it's that he is manipulative af. He already set you up perfectly by creating a competition between you and his ex. If you dare say something to him, then you are instantly like his ex and you know what happened there - he dumped her (more likely she got fed up and got rid of him), but you are now afraid to speak up because of this perceived consequence. It's an old, but highly effective tactic - it's not what I do that's the problem, it's your reaction to it. Totally distracts from the fact that yes, what he is doing IS the problem and your reaction is justified.

He is also testing and pushing your boundaries. Today, it's licking your face, a year later, when you are more invested it might be something else, more creepy or something sadistic, and you won't react because you've already been groomed to tolerate it. Him sending you a pic mooning you.....might be funny if he was 10, but this is a grown adult and what he is doing is essentially showing you in a very passive aggressive way that he doesn't respect you in the least and....you won't speak up or dump him because....well other than that he is really good and you don't want to be like his ex, so you stay silent and shrink a little inside each and every time.

The confusion you are feeling is called cognitive dissonance and it's caused by that flipping between sane and insane behavior and more specifically, you trying to rationalize the insane parts except that you can't. Listen to your gut and run like the wind from these types of people.

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He acts like an overgrown 8 year old.  Does he snap your bra too?

Is this the kind of person you want as a lifetime partner?

And yes, you can ask him to stop.  It's not "changing" him.  It's wanting him to behave like an adult, not a grade school student.

My ex husband thought it was funny to deliberately say or do things to try to upset me.  For example, if I had to work late I'd call him and ask him if he'd picked up the kids like we'd discussed.  He would say "The kids? What kids?"  He liked to see me get all riled up and upset.  He would have a stupid grin on his face as he watched me react.  I learned to stop reacting.  I refused to give him what he was looking for.

However...notice I called him my "EX" husband...

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8 hours ago, Charlie19 said:

he sent me a picture of his bare butt.

He'll also do things like lick my face 

He'll also get his face really close to mine and shout things he thinks are funny.

Be as smart as his last GF and dump him. He belongs in kindergarten, a frat house or a dog pound. Not in a relationship with a young woman. 

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