Jump to content

Some Advice and Closure

Recommended Posts

This will be a bit long so apologies now.

I've been single for about 9 years due to a very bad break up from my ex, he was manipulative, controlling and ended up cheating. After he cheated, he then somehow tried to make out that I was to blame and turned a lot of mutual friends against me. After this happened, fast forward a few years I sadly suffered a lot of immediate family with serious health conditions, some of those have passed away including my mum a few years ago (I'm currently 32).

I haven't put myself out here for a long time because each time I tried... I just don't know, I never felt the spark with anyone. I went on a few dates, they generally went terrible, the person just wasn't for me and I thought ahh why bother. I was scrolling through TikTok (I know.. let me explain) and this guy caught my attention, I ended up sending him a message on Instagram and that first day we spoke for about 9 hours (of which half of that was via FaceTime), he was SO easy to talk to and I hadn't experienced that... well... in years. This guy lives in the US, I live in the UK.

We ended up speaking every day for hours and hours, I would say on average 5-7 hours per day via Video Chat and Phone, sometimes for 5+ hours in one go and then other times during the day, sometimes over lots of phone calls. I really enjoyed speaking to him, I just felt like I could speak to him so easily and I was very attracted to him, although looks aren't what kept me talking, his personality was because it was so easy to do so.

We both said within 2 weeks that we liked each other and we're glad that we 'met' and would like in the future to look at meeting up in person, obviously pending 'COVID'. it felt early to admit these things, but because we were both saying it I didn't feel so daft. The talking didn't calm down, we ended up speaking the same amount every day and that continued for just over a month and a half. He started out affectionate, would compliment me etc but I noticed after a few weeks this stopped, although I didn't think too much of it. The second he woke up he would call me and he was the last person I spoke to before I went to bed, this was the same every day. These conversations were about everything, not just surface level stuff, I opened up to him about a lot of things in my life and he did the same. We would even video chat and show each other around our cities when out on walks, he introduced me to some of his friends, some of them added me on iMessage and would speak to me, even saying that he talks about you often etc.

The first red flag for me came when he said he was going to visit his ex for the weekend as they've remained 'good friends', I've personally never had a friendship with any ex's when splitting (nor do I know anyone that has) but I also know.. that for some people they do. We still spoke as normal when he was away although the first day far less so, but I didn't think much of it because... he's with company, I'm not going to be blowing someones phone up if they're visiting friends etc. He did say to me that after he see's him, he normally feels down for a few days after and I did think... I'm not fully sure he's over this guy (They've been split for about 6 months). The second red flag came when he admitted that living by himself, he feels lonely a lot and hated it.

Over time, whilst I still really enjoyed speaking to him, I just felt like he was becoming more distant on the 'affection' side but his actions and words didn't fully tally. He was still very happy for me to be affection, to compliment, to speak to him for hours and hours every day, to text... but it just felt a bit 'off' from his side. One day then out the blue he just came out with 'I don't want a relationship, with anyone... that's probably a conversation we should have had' and then the next day said 'Well.. I'm not looking for a relationship, but, if the right guy came along I'd be open to it'. It threw me off guard because.. I never hinted at wanting one, I was just enjoying talking, I felt like we were getting close and I was just thinking the next step would be to eventually meet and... well who knows!

Since he made that comment things just felt different, we still spoke the exact same amount but I did start to wonder if he was talking to me to 'fill his day' or because he created a routine, because he would often call and have nothing to say and then I really had to carry the conversation. I felt confused because this is the guy that went from saying how much he liked me, was excited to meet me, wanted to go on a date... to the guy who would still call me all day, but just felt distant.

I eventually said to him that maybe we need to consider how often we speak as I was being mindful of his feelings of a 'relationship' and that maybe talking 5-7+ hours a day every day, wasn't healthy, especially when I don't do that with any of my other friends and for me... that's a level far beyond a typical 'friendship' and is closer to when you really like someone. He eventually turned around and said that he tried telling me weeks before that he 'did like me' but he's not interested in someone in another country, this confused me because the only comment he made was the one above and despite that he still spent all day every day talking to me, opening up about his life, talking about his past, what's he's been through... telling his friends about me, introducing me to his friends etc.

I took 2 days then where we just didn't speak because I was genuinely confused. He ended up messaging me and we ended up having a full blown argument/conversation where he said why can't you just 'channel your feelings' and 'get over them' essentially so we could just be friends, I said for me that was really difficult because I was developing feelings for him and couldn't just shut that off, especially when he was saying all the same things (and in many cases, before I did). He then tried to say I was like every other gay guy, only valuing a relationship and not the person, which hurt as if I set out to find someone, would I intentionally pick someone several thousand miles away knowing it would be more difficult and.. not on a dating app!? To me, you can't help how you feel, you can't help if feelings creep in, it's not something you control.

Some of his messages got a bit nasty, he basically said that he was really clear that he just wanted to be friends, that he said he would 'take it off the table that anything would ever happen with us' as he thought that would make things better, he then said he enjoyed speaking and wanted to keep doing so. I made the decision for me that I needed to walk away, because I felt like it was the only way to protect myself. I'd find it really difficult to keep talking to someone that I 'liked', especially when I thought he felt the same given what he was saying. He ended up saying that the process for him of 'not liking me' was an easy one, he said that he was a flirt and was just chatty with everyone, it hurt to hear it because I felt then like... was anything he ever said genuine? Some of the comments felt like a defence thing as he'd been hurt in the past. After me saying I think it's best we maybe don't speak anymore, he instantly blocked me on everything and we haven't spoken since.

I guess I'm looking for closure and someones opinion as I feel so stupid and daft. Do you think he ever 'really' liked me, or do you think he just enjoyed the attention and affection from someone, but without having to worry about the commitment. My ideal situation isn't having someone in another country, but I'm the type of person that is open to the possibility of whatever... the love of your life could be anywhere on this planet so why limit yourself and we struck up what I thought was a great connection so effortlessly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...