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A weird feeling, and I don't know what to do...


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So that you understand what is going on, I need to explain the story behind my situation.

I met a girl on a platform we used to write. We wrote short stories together, and it was quite fun. After a few months, we began to speak more outside of the story itself and somehow we developed feelings for each other. We are in different countries so, even though I had never been in a LDR before, our relationship was doomed to stay that way for a long while. I'm a very physical person and most of my relationships were heavily based on appearances, and physical bond. Though, with her it was different. I didn't feel that attracted to her looks, she was probably the least attractive person I had ever been with, yet somehow I enjoyed her company a lot and we couldn't help but text all day and sometimes call each other to watch series, movies etc. It went on for a couple of months, yet something was missing. Probably the lack of touch, and the fact that our schedules were quite hard manage and match. Two days ago I talked to her about it and she said she felt the same way. We decided to get back to where we were before since it wasn't really working out, and I thought we were doing the right thing. The next morning she sent me a good morning text, saying that it had became part of her morning routine hence we she still did it. We talked for a while that day trying to get back to the "friends" stage, but something feels off. I feel like I miss her even though we keep talking (just in a different way). I can't help but feel sad and sometimes regret being upfront about it with her.

Should I try to get her back? Should I try to explain how I am feeling to her? Should I suck it up and wait for covid to disappear and go get some rebound sex?

I would appreciate any income on the matter,

Thank you for reading.

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54 minutes ago, Britszilla said:

Should I try to get her back? Should I try to explain how I am feeling to her? Should I suck it up and wait for covid to disappear and go get some rebound sex?

Get her back to what, exactly?

You say you have never met and there's no prospect of that happening any time soon. I think you have both probably leaned too heavily on each other for company and attention during this strange pandemic era, but it's important to keep perspective. You aren't a couple and shouldn't be excluding other potential options that might be more realistic dating candidates. 

So when you say get her back, there really isn't much to go "back" to for all intents and purposes. Sure, maybe more frequent online communication - but then what? The end result is still the same: a digital pen-pal. If there is no chance to meet in person any time soon (which there probably won't be, given how Covid is going), you would be wise to step back and detach from her. 

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I think you're confusing fantasy with reality. You can be online pen pals, online close platonic friends, online co-authors, but a romantic relationship requires meeting in person and dating in person.  Looks are the least of the reasons why.  You were never with her and if her looks repulsed you that's one thing but when two people meet in person there can be chemistry -sexual and romantic chemistry -that has little basis in the person's physical features- unless you were absolutely repulsed you have no idea how you would have felt in person and since you live in different countries, it was a non starter- it doesn't even sound like you made specific plans to meet in person. That is the fantasy part.  You were never with her, you're not rebounding.  The reason it's awkward now is both of you got attached to a romantic fantasy of each other.  

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It's always flattering and feels good when someone shows you attention. That's why it's hard to withdraw from an unrealistic romance like this.

You normally have to date a boatload of people to find one where everything fits--chemistry, the same dating and life goals, ethics, must-haves. Far less expensive to do this locally, as more first meets end up being a one and done.

Think of the reality. You'd spend 900 dollars to fly there and find that you don't have chemistry for her, especially when you find her to be unattractive? Or if you did have chemistry, the irregular pace of dating often spells doom. Too much time together with that trip. Too smothering. And then the long periods apart, while one of you tries to scrounge money to visit the other. If you did actually marry, it's expensive to get a marital visa, and then one person has to be uprooted from all their family and friends, resulting in a lot of crying and depression.

I'd date locally and let this friend know you've enjoyed her company, but to move on, it's best to go your separate days. Because if I was dating you, I'd walk away knowing of your emotional connection to another woman like this. Some people are meant to be in your life for only a season, and that's okay.

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You two seem to get along, so what's wrong with continuing as you are?

Is there anything wrong with talking outside your 'story'?

Just don't look at her any other way = no expectations....

If you feel you can't do this... (as feelings maybe went beyond?).. maybe back off all communication in order to accept this, and as mentioned... don't look for someone so far away!

Get your life going more local... makes all so much easier.

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Thanks everyone,

Not talking to her for a day helped me put things into perspective and understand what you have all been saying. I've been stuck at home for a long while now and it probably made me look for things that aren't there. We are back to the way we were before and I don't feel bad anymore. I just hope the pandemic ends soon...

Thank you!

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I'm not saying everyone else's perspective is wrong, but at the same time, I've been in a healthy LDR for over a year. You can love someone you've never touched or been on a date with- HOWEVER, it's important to ask yourself... Do you think you'll ever be able to meet her and go on dates? Do you even want that? For me, it was an obvious yes and so I thought the relationship would be worth pursuing. If you're more into beautiful people, flings and going out and having fun with someone, maybe this isn't the relationship for you. And that's okay. You just have to be aware that feelings are just feelings, and we can't act on all of them all the time.

But say you do think meeting her is an option after covid. You can talk about boundaries, if casual hookups are okay in the meantime, your respective plans for the future and stuff just to see if you're compatible. It's not just a fantasy, honestly, but you do have to see it as "can I live with this person face to face after this long distance phase?"

Still, if she thinks it's too difficult to manage with her schedule, and she doesn't want to continue, just let it go. I mean, it is a difficult kind of relationship. Live and let live I guess.

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1 hour ago, stupidchair said:

I'm not saying everyone else's perspective is wrong, but at the same time, I've been in a healthy LDR for over a year. You can love someone you've never touched or been on a date with- HOWEVER, it's important to ask yourself... Do you think you'll ever be able to meet her and go on dates? Do you even want that? For me, it was an obvious yes and so I thought the relationship would be worth pursuing. If you're more into beautiful people, flings and going out and having fun with someone, maybe this isn't the relationship for you. And that's okay. You just have to be aware that feelings are just feelings, and we can't act on all of them all the time.

But say you do think meeting her is an option after covid. You can talk about boundaries, if casual hookups are okay in the meantime, your respective plans for the future and stuff just to see if you're compatible. It's not just a fantasy, honestly, but you do have to see it as "can I live with this person face to face after this long distance phase?"

Still, if she thinks it's too difficult to manage with her schedule, and she doesn't want to continue, just let it go. I mean, it is a difficult kind of relationship. Live and let live I guess.

Of course you can feel love.  But you can't have a romantic relationship without meeting and spending time in person.  And caring about what someone looks like is normal -doesn't mean he only wants to be with "beautiful people".

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The respectful thing to do is to drop it and leave her alone. Her sending you morning messages tells me that she's emotionally attached to you and your comment about rebound sex and the way she's the least attractive person you've dated or seen romantically isn't very fair or respectful in the long run if you see her as someone you want to maintain a friendship with. 

Let things cool off for a bit, don't respond to her morning messages and be clear that you're done with the 'relationship'. Try dating locally so that you have a fuller experience getting to know someone. Don't get lost in the what ifs of a situation that isn't fulfilling or isn't complete in every sense. If you had the means to join your lives together in some way, then by all means, entertain LDR if you see fit. Otherwise, it's just a bad idea overall and both of you are living in a fantasy or virtual world. 

Keep things as professional or courteous as you can as you write or respect each other as writers or for your interests. I think you should both respect each others' space going forward and give any romantic twists a rest. 

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I think it could be OK to start some kind of online relationship only if you live in the same city or at least country, or you have some way to be together in person. I understand that during COVID everyone is in quarantine most of the time and that's why a relationship might start online for a while, because it's not possible to meet in person. However the online relationship would be with the intention to date in real life as soon as it's allowed. Without real kissing, holding hands, going on dates and intimacy, what you have with this girl is a friendship and not a romantic relationship.

The other thing too is that yes you know her, but not all of her. To really know a person you do need to spend time with them in real life. Without being in any kind of real life situations together, there are many sides of her you can't actually see. For example, I have a friend who had extremely poor time management and he's always running an hour or more late to everything. Unless you met him in real life you probably wouldn't know that about him because you can't see that from just talking online. 

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As far as leaving her alone?   If she has developed feelings, isn't she responsible for managing her end?

You mentioned writing, chatting and video calls.  You didn't mention anything romantic, or did I miss it?  

You both agreed to dial things back and keep it in perspective.  Just readjust your thinking here and I  don't see anything wrong with continuing your friendship as long as you aren't being misleading.  I think you may have gotten a little ahead of yourself overthinking where this might go. . but it doesn't have to go any further than it has.

It's a pandemic.  Almost everyone is feeling a little isolated or cut of from the world at times.  I don't see anything wrong with continuing this friendship as long as you both are being realistic and respectful.

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