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Talking to an old love interest


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Hey all,

So I met this guy online in 2011 and we hit it off almost immediately. After some time we went our separate ways but reconnected after 4 years in 2015. We stopped talking again mostly because I was dealing with school and my own stuff and we live in different states. In 2017, we connected again but for a short time. Now it's 2021 and he's trying to connect again, but now, I'm in a committed relationship and have been for 4+ years. Talking to him again brings back all the feelings I once had for him. Even though our "relationship" has basically been about our physical attraction for each other. We've basically been knowing each other for 10 years and have never met but we have video chatted enough to know it wasn't a catfish. I've had a conversation about him to my boyfriend without naming the guy but it wasn't as in-depth.

I need some advice. I figured if I met the guy, I would finally get a semblance of closure knowing that I have the perfect boyfriend already. But another part of me thinks it's a horrible idea and should just force myself to stop talking to him. Part of me knows that it's just list but what if it's not? I can't be in love with both of these guys. Right?

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5 minutes ago, LovevsLust said:

but now, I'm in a committed relationship and have been for 4+ years.

 We've basically been knowing each other for 10 years and have never met 

I figured if I met the guy, I would finally get a semblance of closure knowing that I have the perfect boyfriend already. But another part of me thinks it's a horrible idea and should just force myself to stop talking to him. Part of me knows that it's just list but what if it's not? 

Wow.  You're really heading down a nasty slippery slope and all for some fantasy in your head.  You don't need any "closure".  You say you've never even met the guy in 10 years.   What happened to the "I'm in a committed relationship for 4+ years" ?  Are you unhappy?  Are you thinking of breaking up with him?  Sort one relationship out before launching into another.  You can't have it both ways.  

I agree with you that talking to this guy is a horrible idea, especially if you're leaning towards "lust".  You DO know you're emotionally cheating on your current boyfriend, right? Not nice.  Drop the fantasy and focus on what you have.

 

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25 minutes ago, LovevsLust said:

. I figured if I met the guy, I would finally get a semblance of closure knowing that I have the perfect boyfriend already. But another part of me thinks it's a horrible idea and should just force myself to stop talking to him.

Are you feeling your bf is not enough for you?

This other guy has had 'occasional' interaction with you... IMO, he is NOT worth anymore of your time... In ALL of these years, you two have never met, or gone any further than 'chat'

He's got nothing.. has not tried, nothing.. PLUS you two are a HUGE distance apart, right?

Then WHY bother with this anymore?  Other than a friendship?  Expect no more...

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So simply weigh the pros and cons.  The pros would be that you get to interact with a stranger (he is for all practical purposes) on line and feel physically and sexually attracted and flattered/stroked ego.  The cons would be that of course before doing that you have to end things with your partner.  

If you had the perfect boyfriend -meaning perfect for you -you wouldn't desire to comparison shop or play with fire.  So decide whether meeting him is worth losing your relationship because since you have the perfect boyfriend you're not going to treat him like a piece of poop by going behind his back to meet some stranger you lust after, right?  If you choose to stay loyal to your boyfriend then part of that choice has to be a talk with yourself - a blunt, honest talk, about why you desire to comparison shop. 

 

No, it has nothing to do with "closure" -nothing fancy shmancy here -you are tempted to meet this guy because you are sexually attracted to who you think he is and you are getting off on the thrills, and the drama of lusting after a stranger which is much safer than working on your relationship -safer because you know he is unavailable and there's not even a remote possibility of you having to open up to him in any real way - you'd meet, likely hook up /have intercourse (perhaps get drunk first so you can tell yourself you never ever would have done that without alcohol), and then go your separate ways.  It could be really fun for you and much easier than working on a committed relationship.  But remember -you can't keep your "perfect boyfriend" and meet this person.  Your choice.  Good luck.

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The online guy is history.  You're in a committed relationship for 4+  years.  Remain committed, devoted and loyal to your current boyfriend because that's called love and respect.  Your reconnection with the online guy is sneaky, sly and deceitful.  You are betraying your boyfriend's trust in you.  Choose which guy you wish to have in your life; either your current boyfriend or the online guy but not both simultaneously because that's emotional cheating which can lead to disaster should you continue flirtatious correspondence with him.  One thing leads to another.  No sense looking back at dumb remorse and regrets if you can prevent and avoid it. 

There is no such thing as needing nor requiring "closure" with the online guy.  Tell the online guy that you're currently in a committed relationship with your boyfriend of 4+ years, which him well and tell him it's time to go your separate ways permanently ~ out of respect for your boyfriend which is rather obvious. 

Don't destroy what you have which would be foolhardy.  The online guy will not give you a sound, committed relationship.  He is merely entertainment and he's having fun online.  Your boyfriend is about responsibility and your online guy is just toying with you out of convenience.  You are in love with your boyfriend and the online guy is your infatuation and fantasy which is the difference.  You can risk losing both men if you continue playing with fire. 

Be morally conscientious by doing the right thing.  Cut it off with the online guy, focus and concentrate on your 4+ years committed relationship.  Or, do your boyfriend a huge favor by breaking up with him so you have the freedom to do as you please with the online guy.  Make a choice. 

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4 hours ago, LovevsLust said:

I'm in a committed relationship and have been for 4+ years.

So what part of your 'commitment' omits anybody who's flirted with you in the past?

Either you're committed to your current relationship, or you're not.

If not, you're not a villain, but get out first, rather than being disloyal to someone who trusts you.

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If you'd risk losing your bf by chatting up an online guy and meeting with him, you're really not in love with your bf. 

Are you young and want more dating experiences before settling down?

Are you missing an emotional connection with your bf?

Do you have the false idea that the extreme highs of a new relationship will last past the honeymoon stage, instead of what really happens--all the realistic ups, downs, and plateaus of the average longterm relationship?

How would you feel if the tables were turned and it was your bf who was doing what you're doing with a fantasy woman off the Internet?

Either pour your time and emotional energy into your bf, if he's worth restoring an emotional connection with, and talk about, and live by, relationship boundaries that will benefit you as a couple.

Or, break up with him and be alone for a good six months to a year. Because that's how long it will take for you to mourn your old relationship and really think about what you want in a longterm relationship. You're not ready to date until you see this online dude is not a viable candidate. He's likely having a dry spell and losing members of his harem who tire of his all talk and no action.

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Seriously???

Some guy you have never met in person that you have chatted to  off and on for 10 years sent you a message and you are wondering what you should do?

He is a pen pal, you were NEVER in a relationship with him, you have no idea who he really is and what he is really like in real life.  You are allowing your imagined fantasy version of this guy ruin your real 4 yr relationship.  If I was your bf I would be reconsidering your commitment.

Tell this fantasy guy to never contact you ever again, apologize to your bf for not cutting the guy off the second he contacted you and hope he puts your indiscretion behind him.

Lost

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11 hours ago, LovevsLust said:

I need some advice. I figured if I met the guy, I would finally get a semblance of closure knowing that I have the perfect boyfriend already. 

The fact that you're even considering this suggests you are not that committed to your boyfriend anymore. 

That is especially troubling considering you've never met this online guy. There is something very wrong in your relationship if you'd even entertain the notion of jeopardizing the last 4 years for an idea of a man. I say that because you have no clue how well you'd mesh (or not) in person and what it's like to be around each other without a screen in the way. 

Think long and hard about where you started drifting away from your boyfriend. This online guy and your potential plan to meet him is the symptom of a bigger problem between you and your partner.   

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