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Friend who is clingy and self-absorbed


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It’s true that she hasn’t been a good friend and l was tolerating this for too long. The reason why l didn’t cut her off long time ago is because of this - l was quite lonely when l moved to a this city with no friends and stressful job. When she moved here (a year after me) l finally had someone to hang out with, go out, meet people. We’re both single. And she comes from my hometown so l felt a bit safer having her around. Like she had that “familiarity” about her that l needed in a new place.


But nothing is worth sacrificing my peace. I realized it now that l’m not around her (l’ve been away for a month) how much better l feel. She texted me and called day before yesterday, and since l haven’t replied / answered she wrote me whole freaking novel about something she’s stressed about that is such a minuscule problem- So draining just reading it. Anyway, l will continue put that distance from her. Thank you all for the advice. I needed to hear this.

Edited by elliecake34
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It kind of seems like when you were lonely and wanted someone to spend time with her traits didn't bother you but now that you don't need her anymore they suddenly do.

I can understand her confusion.  First everything she did was fine and now it's not.

Since this is now the situation I agree you need to step back.  

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When things become safe, look into volunteering, Meetups, classes, clubs (hiking, walking, whatever), to meet people.  You need to make an effort to meet people.     

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I'm sorry to say but she is not your friend.  Real friends don't criticize or put you down.  They respect you and are supportive. It's a very one sided situation here - for her benefit.  She took advantage of your good nature.

This woman has no friends of her own and I can see why.  

I had the same situation happen to me.  A woman was always asking for favors left right & center.  When I said no after awhile, she was abusive and passive aggressive.  She criticized how I wore my hair and cut me off in conversations.  She was not interested in anything I had to say.

After I realized she was just using me, I ignored her messages, refused to meet up and cut her out of my life.  I was like you, trying to be a good friend by helping & listening to all her problems.

She left messages about how she missed me.  What she missed was all I could do for her.  

It sounds to me your friend is toxic and you should ghost her asap.

 

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Beware of energy vampires and those who take advantage of your kindness and naivete.

Beware of sociopaths.  Google "sociopath."  They are masters at manipulation while you're under their spell.  They are puppet masters while you are their puppet.  By the time you find out what they've done to you, sometimes it's too late and you're entrapped.  Never place yourself in a vulnerable and ultimately dangerous position otherwise you'll regret it forever.

Make sure your radar is up because it will pay off later.  Save yourself.  Learn to protect yourself.  Be smart and safe.  Better safe than sorry.

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On 2/2/2021 at 12:55 PM, elliecake34 said:

The reason why l didn’t cut her off long time ago is because of this - l was quite lonely when l moved to a this city with no friends and stressful job. When she moved here (a year after me) l finally had someone to hang out with, go out, meet people. We’re both single. And she comes from my hometown so l felt a bit safer having her around. Like she had that “familiarity” about her that l needed in a new place.

It sounds like it was a transactional relationship where you both kind of used each other. Once you found a level of comfort in your new place, she became an inconvenience. I'm sure she'll get the point as you continue to blow her off.

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On 2/5/2021 at 3:20 AM, LoreliFinn said:

I'm sorry to say but she is not your friend.  Real friends don't criticize or put you down.  They respect you and are supportive. It's a very one sided situation here - for her benefit.  She took advantage of your good nature.

This woman has no friends of her own and I can see why.  

I had the same situation happen to me.  A woman was always asking for favors left right & center.  When I said no after awhile, she was abusive and passive aggressive.  She criticized how I wore my hair and cut me off in conversations.  She was not interested in anything I had to say.

After I realized she was just using me, I ignored her messages, refused to meet up and cut her out of my life.  I was like you, trying to be a good friend by helping & listening to all her problems.

She left messages about how she missed me.  What she missed was all I could do for her.  

It sounds to me your friend is toxic and you should ghost her asap.

 

Wow. I'm sorry that you had to experience it too.

My ''friend'' says she misses me too. And my conclusion was same, she misses favors I would do for her more then she misses me for me. Yeah and she would say stuff that are real condescending, but truth is, she would compliment me too. The way she puts it, is like ''I'm always honest no matter what, I tell people what I think''. But in my opinion being honest is different then being condescending. Like her honesty is never constructive criticism it's always like making fun of me kinda way. 

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Making a person feel bad about themselves is not the behaviour of a real friend.  If I don't like my friend's hair or clothes, I keep my mouth shut.  After all, it's her personal choice and subjective.  Who am I to say how she should wear her hair?

People who do this are critical people trying to build themselves up by putting others down.  They don't feel good about themselves.   It's abusive to take out your low self esteem problems on others.

In future I will pay more attention to how they talk about others.  In my case my fake friend criticized other people in her life behind their backs - to me. I should have said goodbye to her then.  Sure enough I got the same treatment from her later on.

I have a very soft heart like you but from now on I am going to be more discerning about who comes into my life.

I think you realize this person took advantage of you too and you won't tolerate it again.  Good on you!

 

 

 

 

 

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4 hours ago, elliecake34 said:

Wow. I'm sorry that you had to experience it too.

My ''friend'' says she misses me too. And my conclusion was same, she misses favors I would do for her more then she misses me for me. Yeah and she would say stuff that are real condescending, but truth is, she would compliment me too. The way she puts it, is like ''I'm always honest no matter what, I tell people what I think''. But in my opinion being honest is different then being condescending. Like her honesty is never constructive criticism it's always like making fun of me kinda way. 

 I cannot stand the excuse "I was just being honest" for being tactless or similar.

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  • 1 month later...
On 1/31/2021 at 7:21 PM, elliecake34 said:

I’m female in my 30s and have a friend who l knew for a while, but recently became close friends with. She moved to the city where l moved to ( we’re from the same hometown). 

Now, we’re both single in our early 30s, we have the exact same lifestyle, we love same things, travel, luxury clothes, both independent and work hard and both without boyfriend/ kids. 

The only difference is that l’m still close to my family(parents, siblings) while she doesn’t speak to hers. - And therefore she’s super clingy with me and wants to hang out/ talk all the time (and when she talks it’s all about her and her life 99 percent of the time). 

I love listening to her stories cause the way she tells them is so interesting and funny. But feeling like my life and my issues are “not so important”. 

Also what bothered me is that she would say a few condescending things about my job ( and that was a time she was staying at my apartment FOR FREE) and also when l took my braces off for example - she started laughing and said she doesn’t see any difference in my teeth (the difference is huge).


She’s also asking for help about things she can figure out with basic google search. She called me while l was at work and left me two texts to call her urgently. I thought it was something really urgent, but the only thing she needed was to know what location to get tested for covid. And it’s always something similar. 

Now l like her, but l also don’t feel like talking to her all the time. And she expects me to pick up the phone whenever she calls, cause that’s what a good friend does. When l do pick up the phone, we talk for few hours minimum about her job, her problems, her guys...ugh. I say something about me and she quickly switches back to her. 

I don’t want to lose her as a friend. We sometimes have good time together and we’ve known each other since high school. We have lot of things in common and so many topics. But l really don’t wanna be talking all the time and l feel like l keep finding excuses to not speak with her. 

How do l set boundaries but still stay a good friend? 

Dear Ellie,

 

It was good idea asked  and tell people about your problems. 

Firstly, you should talk with her about what she talk a lot of time only about herself because it’s selfish. 

Next, you should set boundaries like for example: stop call you when are you at work because it distracts, also say her what you like her life story but you want to talk about yourself too, and say what are you like be with her but you want to be alone or with your family too because you miss them. 

Finally, you should say her what you have your own life and you also have problems and want to talk about them and not only her. 

Anyway , I hope you find this advice useful. 

Good luck!

Sophia 

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I've been in this situation before, and really wish I'd handled it differently.

The advice below is what I wish I had done! 

Find/build a script in your head of ways to respond (writing down and practicing would help me!) with a structure of something like

validation of friendship + boundary + positive affirmation of what you would like/are willing to do instead

 

Don't know if that helps, but hope it does!

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