From boyfriend to ex to friend, but he still lies!

[OverTheMoon21]

31 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

Well, that whole premise is flawed. Given his personality and your experience with him, it is not realistic to expect a friendship based on honesty and trust. He's a liar, and you're lying to yourself about what you want from this relationship. That dream was over before it even started!

It's possible to get along great with someone who is a total liar--but you have to have REALLY, REALLY good boundaries and be very aware of what you're dealing with, their limitations, etc. It's a lot of effort, and the only time it's really worth doing is if it's someone you can't get rid of, like a family member, or a coworker, or an acquaintance that you have to deal with because of mutual friends. Or possibly if it's someone who shares a unique hobby with you, or you have a really long drive ahead of you and their a good copilot, etc.

But you don't invite a liar into your life unless you have to. Those are the people who bring pain and suffering and unnecessary complications. They are the ones to cut out of your life. And when you want a friendship based on honesty and trust, the last person on the planet that you approach for that is a liar. 

 

Very true! In my mind, I figured he would have zero reason to lie this time around so we could have the good friendship I had envisioned. He is single, so it goes without saying that he will date, he will have sex, etc. I expect that 100% and it doesn't bother me in the least, and he knows it. So then, why lie? He has way more to lose by lying (as I am now reconsidering the whole friendship thing) than if he told me the truth. I am not fond of people insulting my intelligence, because this is what I feel like he's doing, especially since he's also a very bad liar, you can tell right away when he's making stuff up.

I don't know, maybe he is a compulsive liar and he can't help himself. I no longer want to spend time out of my life trying to figure him out, I have already wasted years doing so. I made up my mind, I will do a slow fade, because clearly my little idealistic picture of this pure, honest friendship is not going to materialize anytime soon.

 

[MissCanuck]

2 minutes ago, OverTheMoon21 said:

clearly my little idealistic picture of this pure, honest friendship is not going to materialize anytime soon.

What made you think that was possible with someone who has a track record of dishonesty? 

[Jibralta]

52 minutes ago, OverTheMoon21 said:

I figured he would have zero reason to lie this time around so we could have the good friendship I had envisioned. He is single, so it goes without saying that he will date, he will have sex, etc. I expect that 100% and it doesn't bother me in the least, and he knows it. So then, why lie? He has way more to lose by lying (as I am now reconsidering the whole friendship thing) than if he told me the truth.

He lies because it's in his nature to lie. He's a parasite. People with vicious, parasitic natures often cannot resist hurting others even when it is not in their own interests. That's all there is to it. 

[Lambert]

Ok full disclosure I just skimmed your post... because after the first couple lines, it's pretty obvious this guy is not a good person.

I know... I used to think I was such a great person because I accepted people for what they are, warts and all. But most people don't deserve that much unconditional love. 

Think about what a good person is.... and ask yourself why are you holding on to this mediocre at best person? 

 

[DancingFool]

3 hours ago, OverTheMoon21 said:

Very true! In my mind, I figured he would have zero reason to lie this time around so we could have the good friendship I had envisioned. He is single, so it goes without saying that he will date, he will have sex, etc. I expect that 100% and it doesn't bother me in the least, and he knows it. So then, why lie? He has way more to lose by lying (as I am now reconsidering the whole friendship thing) than if he told me the truth. I am not fond of people insulting my intelligence, because this is what I feel like he's doing, especially since he's also a very bad liar, you can tell right away when he's making stuff up.

I don't know, maybe he is a compulsive liar and he can't help himself. I no longer want to spend time out of my life trying to figure him out, I have already wasted years doing so. I made up my mind, I will do a slow fade, because clearly my little idealistic picture of this pure, honest friendship is not going to materialize anytime soon.

 

The picture of that pure friendship will never ever happen. He cheated on you and if you are brutally honest with yourself, that still stings and you are still wanting him to validate you, to make you feel like you matter and like he is sorry.

What you are not realizing still is that your entire connection to him, what you think you have in common, the "good" parts, ALL of that is nothing but smoke and mirrors and lies as well. Dig around online and learn more about narcissistic and sociopathic personalities. They all cheat and lie, but also, they are human chameleons. They are brilliant at coming off as charismatic and at mirroring you, your interests, making you feel comfortable despite the fact that you shouldn't be. All of that is a game for them, pure acting and intentional manipulation. Think about it - you know he is a liar and a backstabber and yet you feel comfortable sharing your deepest thoughts with him. That's some cognitive dissonance going for you.

You are sane, so you think and reason like a sane person. For you 2+2=4. For people like him, 2+2=10. Your first instinct is to assume that he doesn't understand basic math and to try and teach him. Except that he understands math better than you and he is actively playing you. It's you who doesn't understand how this equation leads to 10 because he will lie and mess with you and never disclose the entire equation to you. That's the game. The harder you try to teach him and explain that 2+2=4, the more entertaining for him and yes, he thinks you are a fool for falling into this rabbit hole that he set up for you.

As you go through life, it's critical to learn to identify these types of people and learn how to develop hard boundaries so you don't get sucked into that rabbit hole of trying to fix them or teach them, but rather smile, nod and stay far far away.

Also, examine honestly why you got hooked in this time around or even the first time. You said it yourself - too complacent to seek out better company, which left you lonely, which leaves you vulnerable.

I hope you learn from this so you become more aware and never find yourself in this situation again.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 1/31/2021 at 10:29 AM, OverTheMoon21 said:

dated for about 2 years, he cheated, I caught him, dumped him, we didn't speak again for over a year, then a couple of months ago he reached out to apologize and we decided to stay friends. 

Delete and block him. You're still hung up on him. Jump out of this treacherous mess.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting single available decent interested men for a low-key coffee ☕.

Why drag dead weight like him around?