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Realized I’m (37f) in love with my friend and roommate (27m)


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 We met a year and a half ago at work. We pretty much immediately started hanging out as we had the same circle of friends. We then started sleeping together. Neither Of us was wanting anything serious it was purely casual. We both had recently gotten out of long-term relationships. We have created a strong bond between us and I consider him a good friend. To the point where when we both needed a new place to live we decided that we would move in together to help each other. (Que the alarm) it was originally going to be three of us in the apartment. Him and I and one of his friends. 

That is not what happened. We ended up getting a two bedroom just me and him. We have had numerous discussions on how we both wanna keep it professional if we will be living together. I completely agreed not knowing How i really felt at that time. Easy peezy lemon squeezy right? 
The sexual relationship ended a few months before we moved in together. Since moving in at the end of January (so not that long); there of been some extremely awkward and sexual tension related moments. Which I completely ignored knowing full well that this could end badly. I know I’m not crazy, I know he felt it too. He can be extremely flirtatious at times and I get mixed readings on certain situations. 

Anyways cut to tonight where he brings a girl over to the new place. they are all ***ing over each other immediately in front of me. That’s when it hit me. 
I tried to act super casual and nice to the girl. I’m literally sitting on the couch and they’re all ***ing over each other next to me. He would kiss her and look at me. *** is that? I felt like a ***ing idiot. I got sick to my stomach, which is when I realized that I have feelings for him. She went to the bathroom and he was asking me how I felt about her. Asking me for advice?! ***! Then they went upstairs and I died inside. 

I know that I cannot say a word. He clearly does not see me as anything but a friend and roommate and that’s ok. 
I know that there is absolutely no way in hell I can ever tell him or anyone how I actually feel. It will ruin everything and we just moved in. So please don’t say break the lease cause that’s not an option. I know I need to just move on and push these feelings away.  Idk why he is asking me for advice and this ain’t the first time he’s done that either.

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58 minutes ago, Idiota77 said:

So please don’t say break the lease cause that’s not an option. 

Why not? 

If you can't move out or sublet to someone else, you're stuck This was a bad idea from the get-go and now you're living with the consequences. It was never "easy peasy lemon squeezy." It was "Girl, da hale you thinking?!?!" 

If you can't or don't want to move out, you really have no choice but to interact with him as little as possible. He seems to enjoy rubbing other women in your face, which is messed up. So don't sit there on the couch and watch it. Leave the room. No, you shouldn't have to given that it's your house too, but what is the alternative? Sit and watch him get his rocks off with another woman?

Be prepared for more of this if you choose to stay in that house. It's completely unrealistic to think you can just push your feelings for him away when you have a front-row seat to his sex life. 

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2 hours ago, Idiota77 said:

. Neither Of us was wanting anything serious it was purely casual. 

It seems you thought you were moving in together as a couple and he assumed it was just economic convenience.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Talk to and date men you don't work with and who are in your age group.

Set some roommate/household guidelines about shared expenses. Household chores, errands,etc. 

Also set some guidelines about entertaining guests in common areas as well as guidelines about overnight guests.

You can't stop a roommate from having GFs, but you can come up with some guidelines.

It was never agreed that you would be a couple so that's all you can do.

Make sure you are not acting like a GF or mother. Behave as neutral roommates.

You can't just change your mind that now you're a couple living together. That wasn't the agreement.

Edited by Wiseman2
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2 hours ago, Idiota77 said:

I got sick to my stomach, which is when I realized that I have feelings for him.

I don't know why you interpret your nausea as love. I think it's totally normal to have a visceral reaction like that when you see someone that you were once romantically involved with making out with someone else--in front of you, no less!! That's so awkward!

Why isn't moving out an option?

 

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I'd just be careful and really reevaluate what your feeling.

Without a doubt it must be awkward to watch someone you were recently involved with intimately move on with someone else right in front of you.

Add in you two live together and have developed a bond in that way.

But does it translate into him being 'the one'!

I agree it must be uncomfortable given the situation.  But I'm just curious if the new girl hadn't shown up if the two of you were meant to be together.

To something to give some thought to before you make any decisions

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Whether an ex lover or not, I'd consider ANYbody who'd make out in front of me to be rude and ...unfriendly. 

So there's your new mindset: he's not a friend.

And why you'd sit there with them doing that is beyond me. I'd have said, "Okay, it's clear that you two can't wait for some privacy. I'll leave you to it. Nice to meet you, Whutsurname, and goodnight." ...as I retired to my room.

So he's not a friend, he's gross, and he's a baby. That's how I'd sum him up for myself, and I'd avoid any definition of 'bonding' with him any further. Keep it civil, but ask if he wouldn't mind keeping his sex life to his room, and you'll do the same.

Good luck.

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9 hours ago, Idiota77 said:

Neither Of us was wanting anything serious it was purely casual.

Yeah, this usually doesn't end well 😞 .. especially for women, most often.  We get emotionally involved faster than them.

9 hours ago, Idiota77 said:

. We have created a strong bond between us and I consider him a good friend. To the point where when we both needed a new place to live we decided that we would move in together to help each other

Okay, but you went BEYOND a 'friendship'.. you crossed that line, when you got involved with him.

9 hours ago, Idiota77 said:

The sexual relationship ended a few months before we moved in together. Since moving in at the end of January (so not that long); there of been some extremely awkward and sexual tension related moments. Which I completely ignored knowing full well that this could end badly. I know I’m not crazy, I know he felt it too. He can be extremely flirtatious at times and I get mixed readings on certain situations. 

I agree- as mentioned, You both NEED some boundaries now.  He, out of respect, does NOT lead you on & talk all 'flirty like;.. totally innapropriate.  So, enough of that.

So, now you just keep moving forward.. no it's not easy.. BUT, you now need to get back to your own life.  Go out, for walks.. journal your feelings *way to vent*.. all you want to say.. put it in words.. and you find yourself again.

Neither of you owe each other anything.. ( whats a little concerning, is you both just got out of LTR).. I feel what you need to do, is take some serious 'down time', on your own for a while and accept ALL that you have been through .. and heal.

Work at accepting, he see's you as a friends.. hopefully you can accept this and be okay with it... can take a bit of time, but if he is a decent guy- hopefully will work.

IF not, is best you work around moving elsewhere- get someone else (another male) to take over the lease, if this is the problem..

 

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On 1/31/2021 at 3:55 AM, Wiseman2 said:

It seems you thought you were moving in together as a couple and he assumed it was just economic convenience.

Get on some quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. Talk to and date men you don't work with and who are in your age group.

Set some roommate/household guidelines about shared expenses. Household chores, errands,etc. 

Also set some guidelines about entertaining guests in common areas as well as guidelines about overnight guests.

You can't stop a roommate from having GFs, but you can come up with some guidelines.

It was never agreed that you would be a couple so that's all you can do.

Make sure you are not acting like a GF or mother. Behave as neutral roommates.

You can't just change your mind that now you're a couple living together. That wasn't the agreement.?
 

 

When did I say I thought we were together? How did you get that out of everything I wrote? I never in my wildest dreams imagined having feelings for him.  You’re right we never agreed that we were a couple because we never were. I think you got a little confused by my post. I never said anything about stopping what he wants to do or who he wants to see.

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On 1/31/2021 at 4:56 AM, Idiota77 said:

 I never in my wildest dreams imagined having feelings for him.  You’re right we never agreed that we were a couple because we never were

Your thread title states "you're in love with him"🤔

So what can you do besides stand up for yourself and make some ground rules about guests and shared common areas?

You stated you were fwb and thought living together was a good idea?

Yet,him having female guests annoys you?

Ok, then set up a meeting and talk about specifics.

You mentioned you can't move out riget now, nor do you need to. All you need to do is be neutral and discuss overnight guests and common living areas.

He's not "rubbing anything in your face". He's just being horny with other women.

 

Edited by Wiseman2
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