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Hard to communicate with best friend


Manbear2016

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I (27m) don’t know how talk to my longest and oldest friend (26f). I have been friends with her for 10 years now, we met in college, and from the moment we met we had been inseparable. After college we didn’t talk for a year or two due to me being in a very toxic relationship and my ex didn’t trust me around my friend. After the relationship ended and a few months of winning my friend back over we went back to being inseparable. Fast forward to the beginning of 2020, we started to drift apart. We live in the same city, less than 10 minutes from eachother, but we don’t hangout much, I feel like our friendship is no longer strong. She hangs out with my friend group, all together and 1 on 1, except for me, and I don’t know how to tell her i am hurting. I find myself avoiding to text her because many times we will plan to hangout, only for her to call off last minute. I don’t want to lose this friendship. I don’t want to lose her. She is my best friend, and has had a very big impact on my life. She has seen me in my lowest valleys and had stuck by my side, she has been by my side at my highest peaks. I don’t know what I am looking for on this site. But I guess I can use some suggestions on how to explain my feelings of loneliness since our friendship has been drifting apart. Any suggestions on how to reconcile and revive this wonderful friendship I have created?

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First of all, people change.

And I'm sure that while you were with your 'toxic ex' put a strain on your friendship as well 😞 

You two met when quite a bit younger, in college AND has been 10 years now.

I guess things & times are changing.  Sounds like she doesn't 'feel' that closeness with you anymore.

But, even if you two ARE still friends, I feel you should appreciate that much.

From my perspective, YOU are still 'stuck' in that mode of before all the stressors between you two, but things have changed, for her... So, as you are still trying to see her as  your 'best friend', I doubt it's the same for her now.

I'm not sure if your friendship has been drifting apart, is just different now... this happens.

As for you speaking of 'reconciling & reviving' this wonderful friendship you have created?  I don't think there is much you can do to 'fix this', but more accept it, as is.

Why is it you feel lonely?  Maybe you are too dependent on her?

Like I said, things change, people change... they grow through life & experiences.... and at least she is still around and a friend, in your group of friends.

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You're going to have to address your dependency and excessive attachment to her.

She needs her own life, her own BF (who should be her best friend), and so do you.

Step away from this.  As long as this unhealthy attachment exits you'll have nothing but "toxic" relationships because a real GF isn't going to put up with your excessive need for this "friend" in your life.

You're going to either have to admit you're in love with her, or step way back. 

Make other friends. Date women with both your feet in the relationship. Not one foot in and one foot pining for this "best friend".

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8 hours ago, Manbear2016 said:

I don’t want to lose this friendship.

8 hours ago, Manbear2016 said:

But I guess I can use some suggestions on how to explain my feelings of loneliness since our friendship has been drifting apart. Any suggestions on how to reconcile and revive this wonderful friendship I have created?

I think you should just let go. No hard feelings, just move on with your life. Maybe you'll meet again one day in the future.

What's happening here is actually very common in adulthood. "Friend groups" are for teenagers and kids just out of college. People become more independent as they start focusing on marriage and careers. The kid stuff falls by the wayside.

You can make you appeals to her, but most likely they won't work. The friendship/affection is most likely still intact on some level. But the motivation to pal around like kids is gone.

 

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I would not approach this from the 'hurting' angle. We can't guilt someone into wanting to be around us--it has the opposite impact.

In fact, I would reflect and consider whether that's potentially been the problem. Do I drag this woman down? Have I been suffocating? Have I been burdening her with an unwanted responsibility of hearing me complain or otherwise putting her in a negative state?

Do I interrupt her? Have I been overbearing? Have I been clingy? Have I become an obligation rather than a joy in her life?

If you could win a million dollars for identifying the potential problem, how much of that money could you win?

If you want to approach this with her, I would do the opposite of 'heavy'. I'd text to ask if I can ring her for a quick chat. (Light, friendly, respectful of her time.)

If she allows a call, I'd say, "I've been thinking of you and just wanted to reach out to see how you've been."

Then listen.

Before ending the call, I'd mention, "You know, it's occurred to me that I've been annoying with my [_fill in the blank_]. I just want to apologize for that, and I promise that I'll never take you for granted again."

The let her speak without interruption. Acknowledge rather than defend. End the call on a positive note--and without lingering. The call should not be a drain on her.

Head high, and good luck.

 

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