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Hello all,

I'm back as I've found the past few weeks a little weird but in particular last night put me on a negative spiral.

I thought I was over my recent ex (not the one I first ever posted about) but last night she messaged me regarding her mobile phone. (I set up the contract for her and she had a question about it)

I replied and asked if her and the kids are ok, she answered back saying all is good. She then added "I'm with someone else now, not a stranger but somebody I've known for years" 

I found this weird her telling me but I wished her all the best. I then asked what actually caused our split and she said ,"it just didn't feel right. I'm sorry."

I appreciate her honesty but it's made me feel really rubbish about myself as when we got together she was so infatuated with me. Telling me how she couldn't believe how well we connected, how she had dreamt of finding a guy like me etc etc. 

We weren't together very long but it's really hit me that one she's moved on and two, it didn't feel right to her.

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33 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

I replied and asked if her and the kids are ok, she answered back saying all is good. She then added "I'm with someone else now, not a stranger but somebody I've known for years" 

I found this weird her telling me but I wished her all the best. I then asked what actually caused our split and she said ,"it just didn't feel right. I'm sorry."

My guess is that it was a pre-emptive move to make sure you didn't misinterpret her contact as an invitation to restart communication or ask her to meet up or something. 

It sucks to hear, but see it as your confirmation that it would be best to block her number now. 

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39 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

We weren't together very long but it's really hit me that one she's moved on and two, it didn't feel right to her

Nothing serious, you will live 😋

Your ego is slightly bruised because:

1. she has moved on and seems happy;

2. she has no regrets, because she does not think that you were that great.

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51 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

 last night she messaged me regarding her mobile phone. (I set up the contract for her and she had a question about it)

I replied and asked if her and the kids are ok, 

You need to get her off any shared accounts or plans. You also need to block and delete her from all your social media and messaging apps.

She can easily find out about the phone by contacting the provider.

It doesn't matter what excuse she's using, whether it's I'm seeing someone or it wasn't working.

She shouldn't have contacted you. However she also didn't want to rehash the breakup. 

Delete and block.

 

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Yup- old feelings often will resurface, because she did this. 😞 

As you are on your way, to accepting the BU and healing - back it comes... darn!

She ended it, and YOU are trying to work on getting yourself back to good- will take time.

this is just a small set back.  (selfish of them)....

Things will settle again in a short while.. keep moving on ahead.

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They came back because you asked for it. You said I want to feel hurt and pain and you asked her why it didnt work out despite her telling you that she was with someone else. She moved on, perhaps so should you. 

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Thanks guys. 

It's very odd as although I miss her, I know it wasn't a brilliant relationship. I should just accept that these things happen. For some reason though I just find myself stuck on the good memories and wondering why I wasn't good enough for her

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On 29/1/2021 at 2:00 PM, Rb1980 said:

asked what actually caused our split and she said ,"it just didn't feel right. I'm sorry."

I appreciate her honesty but it's made me feel really rubbish about myself as when we got together she was so infatuated with me. Telling me how she couldn't believe how well we connected, how she had dreamt of finding a guy like me etc etc. 

 

Your inner critic is interpreting what she told you in a way that is distorted.  'Not feeling right' is not about you nor is it any reflection of your worth.  You are still the very same (worthy) person.  It's just that people who are infatuated project what they want to see to the object of their infatuation so she saw what she wanted to see.  Feelings change, and it's not necessarily something you did. That's why you should never attach your self-esteem to someone else's feelings.  You ARE good enough for the right person.  You two were not the right person for reach other. That's why it didn't feel right to her.

As for why she told you about the other guy, it was to make clear that she was not contacting you about reconciliation in any way.  

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2 hours ago, Clio said:

Your inner critic is interpreting what she told you in a way that is distorted.  'Not feeling right' is not about you nor is it any reflection of your worth.  You are still the very same (worthy) person.  It's just that people who are infatuated project what they want to see to the object of their infatuation so she saw what she wanted to see.  Feelings change, and it's not necessarily something you did. That's why you should never attach your self-esteem to someone else's feelings.  You ARE good enough for the right person.  You two were not the right person for reach other. That's why it didn't feel right to her.

As for why she told you about the other guy, it was to make clear that she was not contacting you about reconciliation in any way.  

Thank you. I really appreciate that message. I've been doing a bit of research and I feel I have some sort of attachment issue. When someone wants me I can never seem to let go.

In reality this relationship was not great but I'm seeing it through rose tinted glasses as some incredible thing. I think she is a fantastic woman and I need to respect her wishes. It's just one of those things I can't shake off, knowing that she is now having fun with another man.

In my head I start to question how soon after we split did they get together, do they see much of each other due to lockdown, has she slept with him yet etc etc

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23 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I think you were given advice on your other threads on how to distract yourself from obsessive rumination.  Have you tried any of the suggestions?

Yeah, I've been talking to mental health groups, family members, writing content for some businesses etc. All things that can distract and help.

It's weird though as I wasn't really thinking about her at all until this came up

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10 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

I miss her, I know it wasn't a brilliant relationship. I should just accept that these things happen.

You've answered your own question. It wasn't a brilliant relationship. This means that you were not relaxed and enjoying simpatico with her, either.

So it's not a matter of not being 'good enough' for her, it was a matter of neither of you being right for one another--and the two of you not clicking to the degree that you BOTH deserve.

She was just the first one to admit it.

You can turn this against yourself if you want to, it's just not productive--or accurate. Most people are simply NOT our match, and if we try to force a fit when it's just not there, it ends up hurting more than it needs to, and you can't get the wasted time back again.

The RIGHT person for you will see you through the right lens. You won't just be 'good enough,' you'll both feel fabulous.

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Tell you what. Go to a shoe store and close your eyes and pick out any pair of shoes and try them on. As you are trying stick your foot in a size 3 shoe, try to wonder why it wont fit. Ask yourself why wont my foot fit in this shoe? Its the pair that you chose, so it must fit. Eventually you will realize that its not the shoe because its perfectly okay. Its not your foot because there is nothing wrong with it so you must come to the realization that your foot and shoe are just not a good match. 

Ill be honest with you, you are the only one holding yourself back. I dont know if you are searching for answers or validation or you are holding her to the past promises, or keeping score, or something else. But I will tell you that she owes you nothing. She does not owe you an apology, explanation, justification, answers, closure or whatever else you seek. She has chosen to move on with her life and she is happy, you have chosen not go move on from her. 

You determine your future, not her. You either decide to move on from her or you can continue to do laps in your own pity pool. Choice is yours. 

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Thanks,

I appreciate the advice. As mentioned earlier, I hadn't even really given her a thought recently. Then this happened.

I really think I need help as I tend to do this too much. 

For example when she told me she was with someone, my mind instantly goes to, "when did it start?" "How did it come about?" And much worse. I need to find ways to not be like this as about a year ago when another relationship ended I was the same, if not, worse.

It seems I cant let go of someone that "chose me" it's almost as if my brain says-" they chose you and wanted you, so how can they not want you now "

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On 1/30/2021 at 6:36 AM, Rb1980 said:

Thanks guys. 

It's very odd as although I miss her, I know it wasn't a brilliant relationship. I should just accept that these things happen. For some reason though I just find myself stuck on the good memories and wondering why I wasn't good enough for her

That your #1 mistake, Rb. Do not dwell on the good memories.  Yes, that's human nature. I get it.  However, that will definitely hinder your progress.  Personally, I found that if I thought of all the bad things in my relationship (and wrote them down), it was easier to move on because that made me realise how messed up that relationship was.  I hope this makes sense because, as you mentioned, it wasn't a brilliant relationship.  That, in itself speaks volumes.  Hong in there!  

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Just now, goddess said:

That your #1 mistake, Rb. Do not dwell on the good memories.  Yes, that's human nature. I get it.  However, that will definitely hinder your progress.  Personally, I found that if I thought of all the bad things in my relationship (and wrote them down), it was easier to move on because that made me realise how messed up that relationship was.  I hope this makes sense because, as you mentioned, it wasn't a brilliant relationship.  That, in itself speaks volumes.  Hang in there!  

 

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Thanks.

I seem to have got over this little hump pretty quick. I wish her all the best and would love to be in her life again but I can't make that happen if she doesn't want it.

Weirdly though, in letting this pass I have started ruminating about the original ex I posted about almost a year ago.

I keep thinking about her past, what she's doing now, how she's coping during covid, how happy she might be, whether she is with someone etc.

I really hate this and I have a session with a therapist next week but I can't shake it and worry I may end up causing myself harm long term

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if she wants a contract Q& A session she can have it with her service provider, why you? lol

don't worry I think you had forgot to lock one door of your home and she sneaked in. So why not just get a nice lock on it what ever that need to be.

Delete her contact numbers block her off from reaching you, just disappear else you are setting yourself up for all this drama.

You have lot of stuff to think about now, she isn't one on the list.

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5 hours ago, Rb1980 said:

Oh I agree I have forgotten about her in the sense of contact etc. It's my thoughts about the previous ex that are now concerning me

What benefit do you gain by obsessing over these exes? Are you trying to avoid or compensate for things in your own life by ruminating over exes?

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21 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What benefit do you gain by obsessing over these exes? Are you trying to avoid or compensate for things in your own life by ruminating over exes?

I think that is it. Exactly! I miss my ex from last year a great deal. Maybe initially in the same way anyone would miss someone when a breakup happens.

What I actually find myself doing though is looking at her past and being 1, jealous of it and 2, wishing she hadn't been that way..

It's, like, for example. She has slept with a lot more people than me. She said she went 5hrouth a patch after leaving an abusive partner where she slept with guys too quickly, she thought it might make them want her etc. But instead they slept with her then left. I find that hard for some reason.

Additionally as she said she is no longer like that, it made me piece together in my head when this period must have been and I see it was only happening a year to 18 months before we got together.

I know it's stupid but I can't stop it!

 

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2 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

I think that is it. Exactly! I miss my ex from last year a great deal. Maybe initially in the same way anyone would miss someone when a breakup happens.

What I actually find myself doing though is looking at her past and being 1, jealous of it and 2, wishing she hadn't been that way..

It's, like, for example. She has slept with a lot more people than me. She said she went 5hrouth a patch after leaving an abusive partner where she slept with guys too quickly, she thought it might make them want her etc. But instead they slept with her then left. I find that hard for some reason.

Additionally as she said she is no longer like that, it made me piece together in my head when this period must have been and I see it was only happening a year to 18 months before we got together.

I know it's stupid but I can't stop it!

 

What do you have going on in your life currently that brings you joy or that you're proud of?  What do you look forward to every day?

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5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

What do you have going on in your life currently that brings you joy or that you're proud of?  What do you look forward to every day?

To be honest....whilst in this mindset. Nothing

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29 minutes ago, Rb1980 said:

To be honest....whilst in this mindset. Nothing

And I bet that's why obsessively ruminating about your exes is so appealing.  It gives you something to do.

But it's not productive. It's not a positive way to spend your time.

What does this ruminating do to benefit your life?  How does it change anything for the better?

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