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I don't know how to go on with my mentally abusive relationship


Gingerbread19

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I am at a complete blank about my relationship, and I don't know what to do.

Background: Me and my partner met on the internet about two years ago. We went pretty quick about getting together and he proposed about 6 months in. I got pregnant and we now have a healthy, happy 7 month old. We still live in two different countries, and I am taking care of the little baby by myself.

I came to a breaking point a few days ago, when everything just bottled up too much and I couldn't handle it. My partner has always been rather controlling and not sensitive to my feelings. (Admitted that a few days ago.) But when our LO was born, I have been treated worse than I have ever been treated by anyone. I got forced to do things, and if I did not feel comfortable, just got bashed and threatened.

As a example: I am very shy and quiet, my partner wanted me to sing to our baby, but I did not feel ready. Eventually he started getting upset, threatening to go to court, telling me how they would laugh at ME for not wanting to sing to my baby. Even when I cry in front of him, he keeps almost humiliating me till he gets what he wants. I eventually sang to my baby, which stressed me, I felt under pressure. This was also not right for my partner, cause I would sing quiet in my babys ear. No, I had to literally scream which absolutely does not soothe a baby, but my opinion was irrelevant.

Things like these kept happening, when he had to go back to his country, it just kept going through text. Everything is my fault, and when he starts an argument he tells me I have an attitude and I started the argument.

I talked to my mother about it. She assured me he would never change, and always find a reason to belittle me.

Now we have a baby, and when I reached my breaking point, and told him I need time to think. He just kept mentioning court, even after I told him how much it hurts to hear that from him over and over again. The threaths that he will probably get the baby did not stop, and I am not ready to move to a whole different country for someone that treats me like this. He has been begging and apologizing, but I just cannot forgive for how I have been treated. I don't know what to do. I cannot get married to someone, that I have arguments with every day either. Especially if a baby has to wittness every fight.

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You don't even live with this guy and are raising the child on your own.  Why don't you end this?  

He cannot take the baby as he is not a citizen.  Have you consulted a lawyer about your rights? 

As you can see it was a huge mistake to get engaged and have a child with someone who was practically a stranger.  

End this and do not expose your poor baby to this abusive jerk!  

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11 hours ago, Gingerbread said:

, my partner wanted me to sing to our baby, but I did not feel ready. Eventually he started getting upset, threatening to go to court, 

No one can take you to court for singing.

Does he pay child support? Does he have residency, a visa or work in your country?

Does he have a wife and family in his home country?

Do you work? Do you live with your family?

Go to court and file for sole custody. Keep this man out of your life. You're not married, so that makes it easier.

If you have no clear-cut evidence of abuse or paternal defaults there's not much you can do to bar him from seeing the son.

However you can be smart and only communicate about your son or co-parenting.

Otherwise you really don't have to have anything to do with him.

Also since he's not even in the same country, just end it so eventually you can find a decent local man to date.

 

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OP here (I cannot seem to find how or why my account got banned right when I created it, so I'm sorry for the sexond account, I just really wanted to answer the comments), thankfully I have always had sole custody. When we applied for the parental recognition, the lady was very thoughtful and advised me to keep sole custody due to my partner not living in my country. Which I am thankful to this day for.

He does not work or have a visa in my country, he wanted to apply for a spouse visa after we married, but that will not happen anymore.

I quit my job and decided to live with my father for a while, to focus on my newborn.

I do have texts, where he does not deny threatening me with court before, also a good, long conversation about it, since it keeps coming up.

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Gingrbread, your husband's behavior is totally unacceptable. If it weren't for the emotional turmoil I sensed in your post, I would have just laughed at his unreasonable demands! Mandatory singing, this is totally ridiculous!

What he wants to do is have you  under his control, and he invents stupid reasons to threaten you. The only reason he wants you to move to another country is to isolate you from your support system: your family, your country of residence. Your instinct is very right. Please stay in your country and close to your family, draw strength from them.

I think it will be best for your own well-being and for the baby, to divorce this man and have nothing to do with him. He is an abusive, mean jerk.

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54 minutes ago, Gingerbread19 said:

I do have texts, where he does not deny threatening me with court before.

What threats could he possibly have? He has no standing. It's hot air. Ignore it. Excellent you have support from family. You need to delete and block him. If he wants access to his child let him do the necessary legal paperwork for that.

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His threats are meaningless. 

He's trying to scare you because he knows he has nearly zero rights to your child at present, and is in another country altogether. He cannot come and take the baby. He cannot take you to court. He's a total moron, in other words. But a bullying moron, which is even worse. 

Was he even around for the birth of his child? Has he ever even met the baby? How many times have you actually met this twerp in person? 

You need to speak to a lawyer and get this sorted. A lawyer can at least inform you at your real rights as this baby's mother, and outline all the rights this man does not have in your country and without parental recognition of the baby. I don't mean to be harsh, but you sound extremely underinformed. An attorney can correct this. This man is terrible and you need to get him out of your life.  He is not normal. Then, please do seek some professional counselling. The fact that you got so enmeshed with an abusive, online stranger is very troubling and it sounds like you are terrified of asserting yourself. This could lead to even bigger problems for you in the future. 

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Stop and think about this a little.

You have sole custody of the child.  That is a very good thing.

He is not a resident of your country nor does he have a visa.  That is a very good thing.

He does not work and cannot support a child.  That is a very good thing as far as a court letting him have any kind of contact other than visitation. 

You have proof of his controlling and threatening personality.  That is a very good thing.

You are not married to him.  That is a gigantically good thing.

When you look at it this way I am sure you can see that you hold all the cards here and he is bluffing.  Time to call his bluff after you find out about your rights and what if any rights he has in YOUR country.

First things first.  Stop engaging him about anything other than the child.  No more phone calls, video chats, zoom or anything other than email or text.  Only respond if he asks about the baby and then keep it short and to the point.

You know this man will get worse after he marries you right?  You made a mistake getting with him but you have a healthy baby that came out of that mistake, a baby that needs you strong and safe.  That means this guy needs to go.

Ask your father for help figuring out the legal questions and then do whatever needs to be done to get this guy out of your life for good.

  Lost

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He is abusing you and your child in your own country, in your own home where he has no rights and no standing.

Imagine for a moment what he will do to you and your child if you ever move to his country where he does have rights and power and you have nothing...... 

Please drop the "he is a father of my child" nonsense. He is a sperm donor and an abuser. He isn't just abusing you, he is also abusing an infant. Do you have any idea what damage it does to a child to see their mother in tears and distress sceam-singing because some psychopath is forcing her to? OP....stress kills. I can't be any more blunt than that.

Not only do you need to get rid of and protect yourself from this psychopath, you now have a child to protect as well. I don't care how shy you are, time to get in touch with your inner mama bear. Even a deer mother will chase off a wolf to protect her young. The woman who told you to keep your sole custody was truly your guardian angel. On that note, the best way to gain some strength and confidence is to speak to an attorney and know your rights and learn how to protect yourself and your child from this abuser. Be honest with people about the situation and how bad it is. You'll be surprised how much people will stand up for you and help you out.

You can't undo breeding with a psychopath you barely knew, so you have no choice now but to grow a spine and deal with the mess of getting rid of him for good. In your case that's not even hard since he is not even a citizen of your country. Time for you to learn how to protect yourself and your child. Your mother is right - people like that don't change and don't get better, only worse.

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