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Should I leave him or not?


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Hello, so I saw that my Bf(24) of almost 4 years started adding (again) a lot of completely random beautiful girls on Facebook. I asked him about it and told him that it wasn't okay action for a person who claims to want a long term relationship with me and loves me.. He said he doesnt know why he did it, told me to stop acting childish and we started a big argument.. It's not our first argument on this issue. He yelled at me, insulted me and left me crying in our bedroom. As far as I know he is not texting them but sometimes he is liking their pics. The next day he woke up and acted like nothing happend, told me he would stop using Facebook(i never asked for that he could just stop adding them) but actually I dont believe he would change that .. A few months ago he said he wanted a "break" and I respected that. I moved out and waited for him. In that time I found out he was sending flirty texts to 2 girls, about meeting and how pretty they are! He told me that I cant blame him for that, because "we were not together actually" which for me is kinda odd.. Most of our relationship he has been really caring and sweet but this actions really confuse me.. So overall I love him but I dont know what to do? Should I forgive him and move on or should I leave? I really need an advice.. Sorry if my english is bad! 🙂

Edited by Pinkflower1
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Please leave him for good. Acting loving is not the same thing as being loving. Someone who genuinely loves you doesn't ask for breaks and isn't out looking for your replacement.

I am very sorry but your relationship has run its course. If you continue to cling on, all that will happen is that he will treat you even worse over time and if he isn't sleeping with someone else yet, he will be soon. Only a matter of time. Make no mistake that this guy is actively looking for that and you've already caught him at it more than once. 

Don't waste another minute of your precious life on this guy. Better to be single and free to meet the true love of your life, than waste another second on a cheater. Someone who genuinely loves you will never risk losing you and cheaters only love themselves and the pleasure of fooling you.

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4 minutes ago, Pinkflower1 said:

adding (again) a lot of completely random beautiful girls on Facebook. I asked him about it and told him that it wasn't okay action for a person who claims to want a long term relationship with me and loves me..

- So you are jealous of this.. adding/being 'friends' with members of the opposite sex is okay. (has nothing really to do with 'loving you'.0... Unless YOU noticed a recent change in him?

 

4 minutes ago, Pinkflower1 said:

As far as I know he is not texting them but sometimes he is liking their pics.

Even talking to them is fine.. you cannot 'control' him in this... Liking pics is also fine.

Is a big difference in stuff like this and actually 'cheating'.

4 minutes ago, Pinkflower1 said:

A few months ago he said he wanted a "break" and I respected that. I moved out and waited for him. In that time I found out he was sending flirty texts to 2 girls, about meeting and how pretty they are! He told me that I cant blame him for that, because "we were not together actually"

- Flirty texts while you two were not together- is up to him.  He is correct, you were not together then.

5 minutes ago, Pinkflower1 said:

this actions really confuse me.. So overall I love him but I dont know what to do? Should I forgive him and move on or should I leave?

I feel, he's got an 'itch' to see what else is out there.. maybe 'bored', with things between you two right now?

What I feel needs to happen is you two TALK.  IF he is bored/curious then he needs to admit it... because if he is still involved with you, he better not be acting like this..

If this is the case, then let him go!  If your trust in him is not there, this is a real problem. BUT he needs to be honest with you- in what he wants..

So you two ARE now involved, again?  

How did you know about his flirty texts?

 

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I was also in the same situation.
If they're famous on social media, it's hard to actually meet them, but if not, stop the relationship.
If I go back to that time, I will quickly clear up the relationship.
As long as I have witnessed and known it, doubts about it do not stop.
I was continued to doubt him and thinking for myself that he will do it again.
It may be difficult, but it would be better to stop the relationship before it hurts further.

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Hi Pinkflower,

Your situation doesn't seem rare. Most men are physical and visual people. They always like seeing new girls, new girls makes them feel young and empowered, and when the new girls give them attention, they get even more confident.

What is abnormal is his defense towards the situation. He seems abusive in that state when he yells and insults you when you simply tell him it bothers you and its not normal in a long term relationship.

Given that you two have been together for four years and he wanted a break in the past, AND took that time to talk to women instead of bettering himself, seems like he is a bit afraid of commitment.

I can't tell you if you should break up with him 100% because I don't know any backstory.

Ask yourself these questions:
-Has he been feeling insecure in your relationship with him?
-Has physical attraction/attention decreased between you two? Was it from your side, or his side?
-Does he feel unconfident in himself compared to you? (its a stupid question, but often times if a partner puts another partner down physically, or in their characteristics as a partner, they want to reach out to other people to seek reassurance)

Also, define cheating with your partner. Every couple has a different cheating definition.
Is cheating adding women on FB, or actually getting in bed with them? etc. etc. 

Define these lines, don't just tell him oh its bad for the relationship if you do that, tell him it bothers you, it makes YOU insecure, it makes you feel like you're not good enough.

Come to him with a conversation from a vulnerable place, a place of love and sadness, don't attack him. See how he responds. If he responds with anger and agitation, and calls you childish for that, then agree that you two have different depictions of respect in a relationship, which is totally fine.

One of my college friends told me her and her BF send each other pics and profiles of hot men and women they find on IG or FB all the time, and they talk about it.

Relationships are not perfect. Something that bothers you might not bother the other girl. 

But don't bend yourself to be desirable for your BF. if it bothers you that he does that, don't let yourself be dismissed. Keep telling him until he stops or understands, and if he doesnt, ask yourself if its worth sticking around.

To me, it seems like he is either going through a phase of commitment phobia, or he will always be in a phase of commitment, and i'll tell you, worst case scenario, it just might end up leading to infidelity. 

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18 minutes ago, Pinkflower1 said:

I moved out and waited for him.🙂

Sorry this is happening. It's good you moved out. He was not respecting you or your feelings. Delete and block him and all his people from all your social media and messaging apps. That way you can move forward and not waste time on someone like this.

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It sounds like he is done.  Adding and communication with other women, does not sound like he sees a future with you. 

This guy sound really awful.  He disrespects and yells at you, completely unacceptable.  

Block and delete this creep.  This is over!

Love yourself!

Edited by Hollyj
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You moved out. Now it's time to move on. Give it a rest and let your heart catch up with your mind. He's not being fair to you by being one thing and saying another. Have a little dignity and self-respect. 

He sounds like he's addicted to the attention and doesn't know how to cope or help himself. Start rethinking about what you want your life to be. Is it going around in circles over social media women and this person who is chasing his tail or onto bigger and brighter things? 

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37 minutes ago, Pinkflower1 said:

He yelled at me, insulted me and left me crying in our bedroom.

I would have more of a problem with this than I would with "adding" randoms on social media.

This behavior is abuse.  And you are in an abusive relationship.

Time to tell your family so they can help you extricate yourself from this situation.

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4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I would have more of a problem with this than I would with "adding" randoms on social media.

This behavior is abuse.  And you are in an abusive relationship.

Time to tell your family so they can help you extricate yourself from this situation.

^^ this.

When you tell your partner that something they are doing makes you feel bad, then they flip you on the mat and you suddenly find yourself in the seat of the being the bad guy, that's wrong.  If this pattern is continual, then it's abusive.

He is taking the spotlight off of himself and putting it on you.  So, not only are left with having your hurt feelings dismissed, the entire focus is about you being wrong and now you are punished for it.   Your needs never get addressed or resolved.

This is sad dynamic that rarely changes.  I don't think your concerns are unreasonable.   If my guy suddenly started doing this, I'd bring it to his attention, see what he had to say about it and if he needed the attention of an endless number of strange women on the internet, he wouldn't have me in his life anymore.

I don't think it's an innocent act.  I think it's a precursor of what's to come. The fact that says horrible things back at you about it is a whole 'nother problem.

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