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Dating someone with issues


COCO

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I'm 24 dating a military vet that does have PTSD from the military, as well as a troubled childhood/past. I come from a well off family and I am financially stable with a good job and I have my own business on the side as well. He, on the other hand, is going through a rough patch in life right now dealing with his PTSD and other life struggles. He brings a lot of his issues to me since we're together and I am tired of hearing the same negative things over and over. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Everything in my life is pretty perfect and at this point, he is the only stressor in my life. He knows this. He wants me to change some of my ways because he feels like the things I do triggers his PTSD. For instance, some days I come home from work and I don't want to talk about the all the negative things but he takes it as I don't care about him. He feels neglected and feels like I don't care enough about him. Most days I am exhausted from working my 9-5 and coming home to work on my business til late night. He is the first guy I've ever dated that has PTSD and I am struggling to understand what he's going through because I've never been through anything like that. I'm struggling to understand what more he needs from me. We are thinking about going to couples therapy just to find some common ground at this point. What should I do??? 

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PTSD can be very difficult.  If you don't be careful, these issue's he's got can bring you down as well.

I guess you can tell with how he is reacting?  😞

He NEEDS some professional help.  He should be in therapy to work through all that's affected him.. but not go at your or 'expect' you to change in any way.

If he does not look at dealing with this stuff, it will continue to affect his relationships...

I suggest you tell him, you do your best to try & understand him- but you can't understand fully, and that he should be getting prof help by now.

Not sure how long you two have been involved, or when he experienced all of this?  But he should have been seeking help as soon as he realized he was that much affected.

 

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I don't think you're wrong to feel this way. 

Why are you with guy? Honest question... like what is working for you two? 

I would probably break up with him.  First off, if you're doing great and he's bringing you down, that is a big deal to me.

Secondly, if he isn't working to fix his issues for himself and blaming you? strike two. 

Last but not least, sounds like you're just not compatible. no offense to a guy a with serious mental health issues brought on by things mostly out of his control.  However, it's a lot to deal with and why should you have to? 

I met a guy once he seemed nice and all... but after a couple dates I learned- he had addiction issues, military PTSD, issues stemming from childhood abuse and poverty, anxiety etc from all this... 

It was just too much for me. Life will have challenges and bad things do happen to good people. So you have to make good choices because unforeseen things do happen. 8n his case, things will not improve. 

You are incompatible because your backgrounds and the way you handle things.  It's not politically correct but we're talking life partners here. you don't have to be politically correct. 

Accept that he is this way and if he never changed, would you be happy? 

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10 hours ago, COCO said:

For instance, some days I come home from work and I don't want to talk about the all the negative things but he takes it as I don't care about him. He feels neglected and feels like I don't care enough about him. Most days I am exhausted from working my 9-5...

When I was roughly your age, I dated a guy who acted exactly the same. Except he didn't have any excuses like bad childhood or PTSD or anything else such. He was just clingy, controlling, self centered, and manipulative. I kicked him out of my life pretty quickly. Be very careful, OP, that you don't excuse bad and shady behavior as actual health issues. Also, do not guilt trip yourself into tolerating unacceptable behavior or stay in a bad relationship because you feel sorry for him.

Also, if you are just dating and need counseling just to get along....that's your flashing neon sign that you are not compatible and should part ways. You are basically trying to pound a square peg into a round hole here. It does not work. Healthy, compatible relationships are never this difficult. When it's like that....it's your clue to walk away. Life will throw enough challenges your way, don't make a partner your biggest one or your happy life will turn into a dumpster fire.

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11 hours ago, COCO said:

He wants me to change some of my ways because he feels like the things I do triggers his PTSD. 

Is he helping you out in the business? Are you paying him? He needs psychiatric care, not a relationship. Ask him to move out.

Dating is not social work. Stop trying to fix him.

Replied in your identical thread on this:

 

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I personally do not think we should cut people out of our lives who are experiencing challenges.  Everyone has a challenge to one to degree or another.  It's called being human.

We do however need to see that if this person is taking complete ownership of their issues.  Are they responsibly doing everything they can to get the help they need?  Are they actively working on getting them under control?

The problem here is he is making his issues yours to manage.  They aren't your issues, they are his.  That's the deal breaker.  You didn't mention what, if any actions is he doing to get better?   

Your only responsibility is to be supportive in his efforts to get better.  If he isn't even trying, then I'd be gone.   

Him expecting you to change who you are so he can remain in the current state he is in is wrong.   

Couples therapy?  This isn't a relationship problem.  This is his issue with untreated PTSD.  Agree to couples therapy after he agree to address his PTSD.

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It's way tougher for both consistently have PTSD, and other struggles...all it does is exasperates it. So basically you are playing this off each other. It's not a healthy combination. If you don't have a strong stable partner to help you carry your load of issues, then it's just going to fall apart.

You want this to work, you both need to be consistently in therapy. Let a therapist handle the load of issues. Yes I get it, a partner should be there for you, etc BUT not be so dependent that it's pulled them down emotionally. It just become a chore, bringing it to an unsatisfying, unhappy relationship.

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Some of the guys I've been most concerned about leaving were able to step up to their own plate just fine when I was no longer there to carry their burden and 'enable' them to get worse.

Sometimes love is not enough. Some people are best loved from far away.

Often, this turns out to be the best kindness we could have ever offered them.

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