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Do I choose my career or my relationship?


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I wasn’t sure where to post this so I’m posting it in both relationship advice and career forums. I recently received a really good promotion offer, however, it requires me to move 10 hours away from my boyfriend. I am so torn. I love him but I’m not sure how he would feel dating long distance. We currently live 2 hours apart but it’s a short drive so not that bad. I don’t know what to do. if I turn down the promotion I feel like it might hurt my career. Do I wait for something to open up closer to where my boyfriend lives or just make the move? I love him but have been questioning things about our relationship lately. I know if we broke up I would be really sad as well. The city I would move to is Memphis and I don’t know much about the area so if anyone reading this has any insight I’d love to hear it. 

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This is the guy who's a cheapskate, who hates taking you out and complains about how much it costs to go out yet dropped $50 on cigars?  And I think he lives with his parents?

In your other thread you didn't make it seem like you're very happy in the relationship.  So why not make the move?  What would you really be giving up?

I think you'll find it enlightening to be away from him.  You'll see the fog will lift once you are around other people who don't make you feel guilty about going out.

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Yeah, do not choose your partner over YOUR own future - especially if things are not going well.. If you reject YOUR opportunity to advance over him, you'll most likely end up with some deep regrets 😞 

I suggest you don't do that..  One can excel with their career.  That can very well do you much better for your life, over a questionable relationship..

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I read your following posts in your other thread about your bf, and I think you got great advices and feedback so I didn't feel the need to post. However I do think your guy take you for granted and when you voiced some of your concerns, he didn't seem to keen on working it out or ironing some of those problems to make you feel better.

What I think will happen is if you choose to stay at your current job just to be with your boyfriend who treats you like a chore, you will start resenting him sooner or later because you could have left to be in a better paying job and making a life somewhere else instead of dealing with his pettiness.

LDR usually do not work but if someone is keen on keeping you because they value you, they will make it work. I think in your gut, you know your guy doesn't value you as much because he doesn't want to even pay for your food.

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Another vote for career.

Even without the promotion option, you should not be wasting your time with the passive-aggressive, cheap and inconsiderate man-child that your boyfriend is. You are lucky that the providence is presenting you with the opportunity to rectify two problems in one go-get a promotion and ditch a man who treats you badly.

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Yet another vote for career, here!

9 hours ago, Zippo6357 said:

We currently live 2 hours apart but it’s a short drive so not that bad.

Even if you think the drive isn't bad, the relationship is dismal.

I would not mold my future around a relationship like this, if I were you. But it's your life!

P.S. I don't think 2 hours is a "short drive."

Edited by Jibralta
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I feel like this is the universe pointing you a new direction and just when you need it... 

I would never make a life decision based on someone who is not making their life decisions based on me.

Your BF moved for his job correct? And that was his choice. Just like all his other choices. It seems and only you know this, you hold this relationship in higher esteem, then your guy does.

That does seem to happen a lot. One person worrying,  thinking,  making things happen, etc. The other person just going along or going along kicking and screaming. 

What you are getting out of this relationship? Because you seem to be putting in a lot.

But the part you don't seem to realize is- you're pretty great on your own! And you have this new opportunity! Seriously! The world is your oyster! 

I'd let this guy eat my dust... whether you take the job or not.  My vote is DUMP HIM! 😆

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Unless you are engaged with a wedding date or planning on getting engaged very soon I'd move - you can do long distance and if you're just meh about him why is it even a choice?  Please prioritize your career. I know people who are from Memphis and one thing I can tell you -it's likely not far from the main airports and it's not an expensive place to live.  I know someone who moved to Knoxville in her early 30s from Manhattan for work about 16 years ago and that's where she met her future husband.

I had a long conversation with a young woman in her 20s who lives in my city - her new boyfriend is my friend's son.  I looked at her resume and automatically thought she should relocate to a major city from our less major city given her career goals.  Even though I knew my friend's son likely wouldn't relocate (so it would be a 2 hour plane ride) I decided that if she recognized she should relocate I would encourage her. She did -and I agreed with her.  In fact she's already put plans in place. I'm glad she's prioritizing her career especially given the pandemic (which is why she needed my advice in the first place - the pandemic has really hurt grad students or college students graduating soon - summer internships/job opportunities were cancelled, etc)

I share this because I am sure my friend doesn't want her son's new girlfriend to relocate but I was asked to give professional advice given our similar career backgrounds.  And to me I would have been wrong to even mention her new boyfriend as a factor.  So in your situation I give you the same advice.  Oh and I relocated 800 miles away from my home city over 10 years ago -but that was because we were married and new parents and because I knew when we started dating that if I wanted a future with him I'd have to relocate.  He would not have stayed in our city "for me" because his field requires a lot of geographic flexibility if you want to advance at all. I respected all of his decisions in that regard.  

Good luck!!

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10 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Unless you are engaged with a wedding date or planning on getting engaged very soon I'd move - you can do long distance and if you're just meh about him why is it even a choice?  Please prioritize your career. I know people who are from Memphis and one thing I can tell you -it's likely not far from the main airports and it's not an expensive place to live.  I know someone who moved to Knoxville in her early 30s from Manhattan for work about 16 years ago and that's where she met her future husband.

I had a long conversation with a young woman in her 20s who lives in my city - her new boyfriend is my friend's son.  I looked at her resume and automatically thought she should relocate to a major city from our less major city given her career goals.  Even though I knew my friend's son likely wouldn't relocate (so it would be a 2 hour plane ride) I decided that if she recognized she should relocate I would encourage her. She did -and I agreed with her.  In fact she's already put plans in place. I'm glad she's prioritizing her career especially given the pandemic (which is why she needed my advice in the first place - the pandemic has really hurt grad students or college students graduating soon - summer internships/job opportunities were cancelled, etc)

I share this because I am sure my friend doesn't want her son's new girlfriend to relocate but I was asked to give professional advice given our similar career backgrounds.  And to me I would have been wrong to even mention her new boyfriend as a factor.  So in your situation I give you the same advice.  Oh and I relocated 800 miles away from my home city over 10 years ago -but that was because we were married and new parents and because I knew when we started dating that if I wanted a future with him I'd have to relocate.  He would not have stayed in our city "for me" because his field requires a lot of geographic flexibility if you want to advance at all. I respected all of his decisions in that regard.  

Good luck!!

Thanks so much for the response. Did your friends enjoy living in Memphis? I currently live in FL and like being by the beach so that’s something else I’m thinking about. My career is important to me though, and this position would give me the exposure to senior leadership in order to accelerate even quicker. It’s a for sure thing too. There is another promotion in FL I could take but it’s not a definite yes.

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So I only know someone who grew up there and liked it- and in general it seems like a nice place to live albeit not that "exciting" - you can certainly vacation near beaches but I get the pull of the beach. I would go for the opportunity -particularly now those experiences are hard to come by!

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I think that we already advised you to dump this clown and move forward with your career.  Where is the confusion?

You never responded to my question regarding him driving to you?

 

My friends moved to Memphis from NYC and really like it.

Edited by Hollyj
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  • 1 month later...
On 1/28/2021 at 3:39 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Second this. 

Just an update- I took the promotion and broke up with him. I was flying back from TN after looking for apartments, and I wanted to see him the night i got back. But he wanted to go to the casino to play poker instead and said I was a child for not understanding that he deserved to go because he worked 65 hours that week and earned the right to do what he wants with his money. He wanted me to come the next day. I ended it after that. It’s funny how he can afford to lose $700 at a casino but can’t pay $50 for my dinner. I appreciate your advice. 

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Being a strong, financially independent woman myself, I may sound biased but I say choose your career over your boyfriend because that's life and there are always sacrifices to be had. 

Uh oh.  He's a gambler.  Beware because he's risky and you dodged a bullet on this one.  In your mind, say, "Good riddance!"  He would've left you in financial ruin had you remained in a relationship with him AND you would've lost your golden opportunity to forge ahead in your career!  Think about that! 

What a cheapskate. 😡 He can afford to gamble and risk discarding $700 hard money yet he's too cheap to pay $50 for dinner.  Wow, what a guy!  He's so cheap he squeaks!  🙁 What a tightwad. 

Thank your lucky stars that you broke up with him.  He's a bad apple.  With your bright future, you certainly can afford to become very picky and choosy from now on and only choose the best, most moral man.  He's out there for you.  Alike people are attracted to alike minds. 

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7 hours ago, Zippo6357 said:

Just an update- I took the promotion and broke up with him.

Good for you!! Well done. Hope all is going well with your new position at work.

Edited by Jibralta
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5 minutes ago, BobbyCarrot said:

Life is more complicated than you think. You should chose both things ! 

Not with this guy, though. There's better out there for her.

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