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Ex Dumped me bc of my son : Please help and advice!


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Hello all,

 

Background: I have a 5 year old son who is my adopted son. When he was born I thought he was mine and I coparented for 3 years. During that 3rd year I got a DNA test done out of curiosity. He was not mine, but I love him too much to abandon him. Hes my son and I want to be in his life. 

 

19 days ago my ex dumped me out of the blue with her reasoning being because "she doesnt want to be a step mom to a child thats not mine." 

 

We dated for 10 months, its not that long but for me I was ready to marry her. I was going to propose to her in May before my graduation. I have a ring and everything and this is blowing my mind right now. I cry everyday on the thought of her. 

 

My ex, has known about my son from day 1.  We have had mulitple conversations about how my son would fit in our life. We discussed if he might live with us if I wanted a better life for him. We even dicussed how she felt and what she didnt like it but respected I was still in his life. Thats why this doesnt make sense to me. 

 

A week before she dumped me, she meet my son for first time which she says caused her to rethink the situation and what she wants.

 

First, my ex deserves whatever she wants in life. its her life. I will not self impose my beliefs or wants for her. Her happiness is her own. If she doesnt want to be with a man with a child. Thats her right but my issue with this is how can these issue pop up 10 months LATER. We spoke everyday. We talked everyday. We spent so much time together. She old me she'd never leave me a week before she dumped me. She said I was her best friend all the time. She told me I was her soul mate and that our souls will always find each other in past lives. She told me all the time how I was the sweetest caring man in the world and how she was so lucky to have me and that I was everything she ever wanted in a man. How could someone who I trusted and loved abandon me so quickly.

If she never wanted to date a man with a child why let it go 10 months with me thinking I was going to spend my life with her. We had talked of marriage. We talked about kids. We talked about moving in together this summer and start our life together. The day before this all started she kissed me and told me she loved me and was all over me. I am just thrown in a maze of emotions right now. Why tell me shes going to have my children and were going to raise them to be amazing kids but leave? Why subject me with all the love and support and encouragement I ever recieved in a relationship and then be gone like nothing happened?

 

I know I should move on. I know its the best thing for me but this is the first connection I ever had with a woman. The first time I ever wanted to marry a woman. I told her I wanted to go to the court house in August 2020 and she said she was ready but we didnt because I decided she deserved a bigger wedding. It was my fault we didnt get married ove summer. She was ready to marry me in August. How can she just leave me like this right now? 

 

The day before she broke up with me she sends a text first thing in morning stating "I cringe every time you mention your son." She goes on to say how she would be mean to my son. She would get into fights with her his mom. She even said "I dont know if I'll ever be able to love your son". Last thing she said "that day was shes just letting me know how she feels. Shes not breaking up with me". She states shes has abandoment issues because her dad left her before she was born and she doesnt want me to abandon her or make her feel unimportant because of my son.

I would have never dont that to her. I would do anything to be with her! I would never put my son over her. I know in marriage wife comes first. I would give my last dollar or cut off my leg for her. I didnt get my son plenty of times bcause I was spending time with her bc I was focused on creating a connection and bond for marriage. I dont understand why she didnt even want to work on this issue. We could grown and worked thru these issues she had. She even stated before that shes broken up with dudes for no reason. That she always causes the break up. That she leaves bc shes scared in relationships bc she doesnt feel worthy enough.  But We could have gone to therapy about her feelings and these issues, but she just left me with the coldest and meanest face I have ever seen her give to me. I was so hurt. 

When she dumped me she said "If I asked you choose *blank* or me who do you pick? " I said Im not picking anyone over anyone. But Im not abandoning him. Hes my son. I love him. I still pick you bc I love you. You are always be first to me though. 

"Well you made your choice. Its over. I deserve better then to be a step mom..." when she said that I started to cry. Last thing she said to me was, "Dont block me just yet, my period still hasnt came." I lost it then. I hung up the facetime call. I started to crying more and instantly went to facebook to unfriend her. She had already unfriended me. She had planned on breaking up with me before I even got on facetime with her. I feel betrayed. All my trust and love I had in her is gone. I wanted a life with her and she didnt with me. I just feel so worthless right now.   

 

Any advice...Please. 

Thank you

Edited by futureisunknown
added thank you to the end
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I'm really sorry. It's obvious that your hurting. 

4 minutes ago, futureisunknown said:

Thats her right but my issue with this is how can these issue pop up 10 months LATER.

It's because she met your son. Reality hit home for her--this is not what she wants.

After the pain of this break up fades (it will), you will see that she's actually doing you a huge favor. Do you want a woman who will not love your son?

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You're right... Its just I thought if she truly loved me. You'd see past the hard situations. If she had a child I would love the child as if the child was mine bc I loved her.

Its just hard to accept she left me because its not something she wanted to deal with. It makes me feel sad about dating because its already hard enough to date with a child being a man. This issue always comes up. But I thought she understood and loved me beyond this. 

It just really stinks. 

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Yeah, it does stink. And it's particularly hard for you to understand how she could do this because you're the kind of person who adopts a child that isn't even his. But some people aren't wired that way. And even though it feels like sht, leaving you was actually the kindest thing she could have done for you both. It sounds like she was having some kind of meltdown, from the way you described it.

35 minutes ago, futureisunknown said:

Its already hard enough to date with a child being a man. This issue always comes up.

I don't know how old you are, but I haven't noticed that it's such a huge obstacle. After a certain age, people come to expect that you'll have children. And they have their own, so they'll understand.

Edited by Jibralta
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Echoing the reality of becoming an insta parent hit home. 
 

I’m a little worried you’d put a partner above your son isn’t it meant to be the other way around? (Although in practice you didn’t but in principle that’s what you’re saying you’d do). I doubt he could differentiate between biological dad and the person he knows as dad, he’ll just be crushed when you’re not on his team siding instead with this newcomer to his life. A good lady match will know to leave space for your son too.

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No Its just a statement. I take pride in being a good father. Its just I meant when I told her I wouldnt put him infront of her is that I would never neglect her. I would never make her feel out of touch or unwanted. If she was going to be my wife shed get all the love plus more from me. I would never abandon or hurt her in favor of my child. I loved them both so I wouldnt choose one over the other. Thats what I meant. 

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Wow, I would have dumped you immediately if I had found out that you had raised a child for three years and then abandoned him because he wasn’t yours biologically. At that point, biology was irrelevant and he was already yours. I cannot imagine dating someone who is so limited and unkind that she would want you to screw up such an important and loving relationship. 

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@arjumandThank you for honesty. But I would never abandon him. Even when she asked me to choose. I felt like if I told her Id choose her. Shes make up some excuse to still break up with me. 

But hes my son. Im not ever giving him up. So I guess its in the best interest that she left me. Blessing in disguse as they say.

 

@gamonI went NC with her as soon as she dumped me so I really dont know. I hope not. I know now that I wouldnt want to raise children with her now. She has way too many unresolved issues. 

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Dating someone with kids can be hard because they have to realize that the child(ren) will always be the priority. Some people are okay with it, others are not. This woman decided that not being your priority would be an issue. Nothing you did wrong, she just need to find someone that doesnt have children thats all. 

Just because its the first woman you have met that you would want to marry doesnt mean she is the last and only, just the first. There are other people out there who are willing to accept what you have. 

It sucks I know but in the long run, this is a very good thing. You have room in your life and heart for someone better. Dont give this X another min of your energy and time. She made her choice. 

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Look honestly I don't think this woman sounds very nice. Fair enough if she wants to break up with you because you have a son, but to ask you to choose between her and your son! What the actual!! Did she really mean that? Coz only a heartless person would ask someone to get rid of their child. I mean sure you adopted your son but so what. Some people do have adopted children because they couldn't have children or they fostered or whatever. It's still your child even if adopted.

Edited by Tinydance
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@No1You are correct. I am in the process of moving on and accepting my new reality. She has every right to get what she wants. If she wants a man with no children. Thats perfectly fine. But Im just amazed at how it went this long without her ending it earlier. I wish she would have just turned me down as soon as I said I had a child. I would have say thank you and good luck. But after loving someone and bascially I forced this idea of a future with her in my head. Its hard. 

 

@TinydanceI can only tell you what she said that day. IDK if she meant it or not. But it still hurt nonetheless. After going over conversations and way she acted in relationship as well. You are correct. I dont she was actually a good person at all. 

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I understand the frustration.. How you wanted her to just reject you and all this pain could of been avoided. But you would of missed out on a lot too.

You were in a loving relationship, you learned that you can love someone else and care for your son. You thought of sharing your life with someone and it dawned on you that it is possible to do. You made some memories, learned a few things about you and you know that you can be a wonderful partner and father. You discovered a lot about yourself and it made you a better person even tho the end result wasnt what you wanted. 

So hold your head up high and be optimistic that the next love for you is out there, you two just have to find one another. I know its easier to feel pain, but Im telling you dont. Its easier to see the negative than it is to see the positive. Take time to really think about the good that you and your son gained from this. 

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3 hours ago, futureisunknown said:

I didnt get my son plenty of times bcause I was spending time with her bc I was focused on creating a connection and bond for marriage.

Please do not ever do this again.  Your son would be heartbroken to know you chose not to see him because some woman you're involved with is jealous and insecure.

She was not worth it, but your son is.

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4 hours ago, futureisunknown said:

We could grown and worked thru these issues she had. She even stated before that shes broken up with dudes for no reason. That she always causes the break up. That she leaves bc shes scared in relationships bc she doesnt feel worthy enough.  But We could have gone to therapy about her feelings and these issues,

SHE needs to seek help on this, in order to be 'able' to have a successful relationship.

She has told you plenty, to be well aware of her actions...

4 hours ago, futureisunknown said:

is the first connection I ever had with a woman. The first time I ever wanted to marry a woman. I told her I wanted to go to the court house in August 2020 and she said she was ready but we didnt because I decided she deserved a bigger wedding

YOU wanted to marry a woman, only knowing her a few months?  Whollay.. slow it all down! ( you said you been dating 10 months... So, August was only less than 6 mos in..?)

Like.. Why?  You just don't do that!

Seems like YOU have some issue's too.

 

4 hours ago, futureisunknown said:

"Well you made your choice. Its over. I deserve better then to be a step mom.

 

Her talking like this.. and the way she was going on about your son.. seemed very cold 😞

She is just not right.. I'm sorry.

This was NOT a long term relationship- just a whirlwind of one... so, is good you did NOT rush into something like a marriage- this was all just too much with you two.

 

Now.. YOU need to take some serious down time... work on getting yourself back.. to good.

This is why you should NEVER rush anything re: relationships.

They take time to build.  You two didnt do that.  Was too much & overwhelming.

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Don't ever make major decisions like moving in with someone or marriage for at least a good year, and better, two. Thank God you didn't marry in the summer. As you can see, you didn't know her at all. You can have a multitude of people in your life who are your priority. It doesn't mean one trumps the other. The people in your life need your time and attention at different times and in different ways. When you have a healthy balance, nobody will be getting the short-end of the stick.

Unfortunately, sometimes people are unpredictable. You took a chance that didn't pan out. The only control you have is to have a must-have list, a dealbreaker list, recognize red flags, and be the best bf you can be. Nobody said life was easy, but you can learn to roll with the punches. If you look back, and look deeper, you might now see red flags that you can learn from. When you meet the right lady, you will appreciate her that much more after having experience Ms. Wrong. Take care.

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6 hours ago, futureisunknown said:

 

@gamonI went NC with her as soon as she dumped me so I really dont know. I hope not. I know now that I wouldnt want to raise children with her now. She has way too many unresolved issues. 

Future,

Please write in here so you don't feel the need to contact her. You can also journal here so no one sees: https://www.enotalone.com/forum/69-private-journals/

This is one of the most upsetting threads I've read in a long time. If your original post if how she worded it, that she cringes every time you speak of your son, she sounds so.... messed up on so many levels.

Sometimes I don't understand how a grown person can look at a cute little face and feel nothing but contempt? Something is just not right with this ex-girlfreind of yours and I hope you realize you just saved you and your son a lot of grief and money for counseling. 

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9 hours ago, futureisunknown said:

 have a 5 year old son who is my adopted son. When he was born I thought he was mine and I coparented for 3 years. 

Sorry this happened. Too much too soon. Focus on co-parenting, not finding a step mother.

It's great you love and feel responsible for your son, but you need to keep your priorities in order and that is... He has a mother.

Date to date the women, not thier stepmothering potential.

 

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@LootieTootie Thank you so much. I wont. I have her blocked on everything. from Pinterest, #, emails, all her social media. I will never speak to her ever again. Idc if she showed up at my front door. I'll never say another word to her. 

@Wiseman2I have moved on from hurt finding out my son wasn't mine blood wise. But nonetheless, he's my child. Its been two years and I've been in therapy and I when I started to date my ex I was ready. Now I'll have a long time away from dating. This one stings.

@AndrinaThank you for your advise. 

@SooSad33This situation has brought many lessons to me. I know I need to focus on myself but I don't regret falling in love and wanting a life with her. Love doesn't have a timetable and I'll always stand by that. I know too many people who met love of their life and knew right then they would marry. 5 months or 5 years, I know what I want in a woman with marriage/love. Unfortunately I was lied too and my love for her concealed the red flags. I will vet my next partner more for sure. 

 

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6 minutes ago, futureisunknown said:

I don't regret falling in love and wanting a life with her. Love doesn't have a timetable and I'll always stand by that. I know too many people who met love of their life and knew right then they would marry. 5 months or 5 years, I know what I want in a woman with marriage/love.

Okay, but the way YOU were thinking/feeling was not the same for her, was it?

Too much for her... challenges, differences.  Not in it as deeply as you are.. But, we also can't 'make' someone love us. :/ 

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7 hours ago, futureisunknown said:

@LootieTootie . 

@Wiseman2I have moved on from hurt finding out my son wasn't mine blood wise. But nonetheless, he's my child. Its been two years and I've been in therapy and I when I started to date my ex I was ready. Now I'll have a long time away from dating. 

Did the mother cheat on you? Does she know who the biological father is?

In any event, since you've adopted this boy, you'll have to date like any other single parent.

If you keep emphasizing that he's not biologically yours and your ex cheated, you have too much baggage to date.

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Never a good idea to avoid your visitation in favor of catering to a woman. This prevented her from learning over 10 months how she would need to adjust to your commitment to your son. This likely added to her dis-illusion-ment when she was introduced to the reality of your son.

I agree with keeping your son sheltered from meeting women you're dating. Kids bond quickly, and you don't want to teach him that relationships are disposable.

I'm not sure how old you are, but you will age into dating more mature women. Hold out for one who 'gets' a parent's need to prioritize their child.

Will this narrow your dating pool? Sure. But the goal isn't to appeal to the masses, it's to find the RIGHT match for you and your son.

Head high, this was not the right woman for you. She just showed you who she really is. It's best to screen for 'that' attitude early rather than build a fantasy bubble that you're fearful of popping.

 

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