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Medical issues and future of relationship.


s4m

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I'm in a relationship that was good before. Over past couple of months my wife has developed (through no fault) a condition that seems to be taking away any ability for her to do anything other than work. Before this she was fine. 

We are relatively young. 34 for me, 32 for her. 

To give an idea even cooking is difficult, intimacy (sex) isn't worth it due to pain, even walking any distance. 

 

A big part of our relationship was doing activities. Going to woods, adventure holidays that sort of stuff. This no longer happens. I think to the future of the holidays I want to go on. Things I want to see. And I no longer see them as viable. 

 

If there is no solution to this I don't see this type of activity happening again. Ever. There appears to be no solution to the medical issues. I still have a little hope. But it's fading. 

I don't know what to do. I do the things we used to do on my own. For metal health and to keep me going. Together time seems to be limited to TV. Which is not great. 

I still love her. But it's rapidly falling into friendship territory. Even carer territory. 

Not sure if I want advice or just venting really. 

Just to add. It's taking a toll on me now. I just care less, about everything. Almost like a numb feeling. When I do the stuff on my own I do feel happy. But obviously that's a temporary boost. Not a solution 

 

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This is where "for better or for worse, sickness and in health" comes in.

No one is ever promised an easy marriage the whole way through, life happens. The best we can hope for is to be with someone who will love us even if things get bad.

Did your wife make the wrong choice?

If you're feeling bad, just imagine what she's feeling like having her quality of life disappear like this. It must be devastating.

It doesn't mean life is over though.

You can still find ways to be close, and to do things together if you are actually wanting to stay close to your wife during this difficult time.

Have you ever considered trying to make her smile? Laugh? Feel some hope? Take the focus off of yourself, and help her through this difficult time.

I don't mean being her carer. I mean, being her friend, being her lover, her companion.

You can still watch movies together, read books together, have long discussions on all sorts of things. Read the news together and discuss your thoughts.

Listen to music together. Gentle massage, baths together.

These are only a few suggestions, but if there is a will, there's a way.

Life has changed for both of you now. It's up to you as a couple to change with it and to find ways to stay close and to keep each other feeling hopeful and happy.

Is it going to be easy? Short answer, no. But that doesn't mean it's hopeless either.

On the other hand, if you're not willing, if you want to only find the negatives and want to give in, it will be very easy to do.

It really is a choice and this will test the love you have for one another.

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What are her health issues? Fibromyalgia? MS?

There can be other things, like swimming. There must be support groups you could attend to get some ideas in how to cope.

For mobility, an increase in Thiamine and B1 helps.

For sex she can lay on her side, use pillows for support.

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I'll answer the points so far

 

Doctors don't know. I personally think it's something like fibro. It's all over the place and came out of no where. The doctors keep fobbing her off. And she isn't the best at describing to doctors the feelings. And downplays it. 

 

In terms of changing for her. Yes I believe this is the choice I have. Either give up who I am. I don't enjoy the 'indoor' stuff. It would be making myself do those things. Or stay me. 

As to the sex life. I've accepted that it's a write off. I've managed to turn those feelings off in my head. It's kind of sad. But I've managed it. It's actually one of the things I found easier to do as time has gone one. 

 

 

This is by far the hardest.. 

Being a carer is going to be tough. It's not in my personality. Im glad no kids are involved. It's the main positive I take at this time. 

I guess I just worry about losing all drive. I can feel it already. Questions like... 'what's point in having a job if life is this now'. And 'everything is a challenge, it's just easier to watch TV, so let's do that'. 

Unfortunately I'm just not interested in being 'indoors'. Reading, TV etc. It just isn't fun. 

 

I'm not giving up yet. But I truly don't know if I can be this person. I'm going to try. But it may corrupt my personality. It may let depression back in, which I've tried to hard to keep out. 

Depression is deep rooted in my family. My dad suffers from it badly. I've coped with it by doing my hobbies. By cutting out 'responsibility' in my life. Making plans etc. My biggest fear is it taking over again. 

 

This may sound like I'm giving up. I'm not there yet. Just struggling through if I can cope or not. 

 

 

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2 hours ago, s4m said:

A big part of our relationship was doing activities. Going to woods, adventure holidays that sort of stuff. This no longer happens. I think to the future of the holidays I want to go on. Things I want to see. And I no longer see them as viable. 

Change happens.  You married this woman.. and sadly, negatives hit  😞 

BUT, if you have 'true love', you will stick by her (through sickness & health)?

Okay, so she is 'limited' now.. BUT you two did have some good times!  :)

Can you not find someone to do a few cool things with?  A good buddy... sibling etc?

Your wife still exists, you just need to 'adjust' to these changes. Now, seems like YOU also need to work at accepting what is.

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4 hours ago, SherrySher said:

This is where "for better or for worse, sickness and in health" comes in.

No one is ever promised an easy marriage the whole way through, life happens. The best we can hope for is to be with someone who will love us even if things get bad.

Did your wife make the wrong choice?

If you're feeling bad, just imagine what she's feeling like having her quality of life disappear like this. It must be devastating.

It doesn't mean life is over though.

You can still find ways to be close, and to do things together if you are actually wanting to stay close to your wife during this difficult time.

Have you ever considered trying to make her smile? Laugh? Feel some hope? Take the focus off of yourself, and help her through this difficult time.

I don't mean being her carer. I mean, being her friend, being her lover, her companion.

You can still watch movies together, read books together, have long discussions on all sorts of things. Read the news together and discuss your thoughts.

Listen to music together. Gentle massage, baths together.

These are only a few suggestions, but if there is a will, there's a way.

Life has changed for both of you now. It's up to you as a couple to change with it and to find ways to stay close and to keep each other feeling hopeful and happy.

Is it going to be easy? Short answer, no. But that doesn't mean it's hopeless either.

On the other hand, if you're not willing, if you want to only find the negatives and want to give in, it will be very easy to do.

It really is a choice and this will test the love you have for one another.

This is SUCH a good comment.  Thank you, Sherry for saying all of this!

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3 hours ago, s4m said:

Depression is deep rooted in my family. My dad suffers from it badly. I've coped with it by doing my hobbies. By cutting out 'responsibility' in my life. Making plans etc. My biggest fear is it taking over again. 

 

Personally I think you should get medicated for the depression, instead of just relying on your, "hobbies," to cure it.  Hobbies can't always cure it when it's going to be this rough emotionally/mentally/physically/spiritually on you.

Sometimes medicine is the best way, and it could help you, "see," that this doesn't have to be as bleak as you're making it out to be right now.

Reading to her can be really fun, romantic and enjoyable... you're the one making it not be.  But you can't, "see," that right now because I think you're probably slipping into depression as you speak.  You're already coming from a very bleak, depressed outlook, so you can't, "see," how good you can still have it because that optimism is out of reach right now.

But it doesn't always have to be that way 🙂 medicine can help you clear those bleak clouds, help you find true joy in being her companion and friend and lover through all of this.  

You don't have to, "lose yourself," or your personality... it really isn't such a bleak decision at this point.  But please look into getting the help you need to get medicated... I don't think it will get better if you just avoid it (I think it will get much worse, even suicidal for you if you avoid these beginning warning signs of depression).

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She could have Lupus, or Lime disease. There are tests for these. There is also a thing called Rat Lung Worm, that doctors misdiagnose as Fibromyalgia or Meningitis. This can be picked up just by eating organic produce that hasn't been washed properly. 

Anyways instead of throwing your hands up...the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Fight for her to be diagnosed, by locating the right kind of doctor that specializes in this sort of thing. Do lots of research online.

In the meantime, you can still do outdoor stuff. You can find a group or a male coworker or friend to do those hikes. You can take her canoeing, she can get a scooter to go for walks with you. People do adjust to there situation...and so can you.

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