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Split after 20 years together and moving on


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Ok so I thought id start a new thread about my break up feelings, so long story short, my partner (45)and I (47)of 20 years separated nearly 2 years ago, we have 2 girls together 17yo lives with me and 21yo lives with her mum. We have kept in touch had teas together etc.. she has started dating a new man – she still messages me, just to see if im ok etc.. I don’t spend all day wallowing in self-pity anymore but do still miss her and have yet to even become interested in anyone else (I don’t know why). She moved out and I live in the house we brought our kids up in! a lot of memories, do people stay in the house successfully or will I always have these feelings whilst living here?

She said to me only yesterday that relationships will never be as good and always comparing to ours, I thought (not said) so why did you leave then?

Says she will always love me etc, whats your advice?

Thanks for listening

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I think it would help if you stop having any convos, unless it relates to the kids.  What she said is cruel and a total mind fu$k.    

Are you in communication with friends or do outdoor activities to keep busy? 

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3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

separated nearly 2 years ago, we have 2 girls together 17yo lives with me and 21yo lives with her mum. We have kept in touch had teas together etc.. she has started dating a new man – she still messages me, just to see if im ok etc

You two  split up 2 yrs ago - Why are you still dealing with her? (unless is re: kids, no need for anything more)

I;m pretty sure this is why you are still so affected.  No one has truly 'let go'.

In order to be to 'accept & heal' from your long term relationship, for your own good you NEED to stop all interactions.

Stop agreeing to meet with her... stop dealing with her, totally!

The fact is.. You two are no long er involved.. ( I get it that she ended things?)  Then let her go.

3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

She said to me only yesterday that relationships will never be as good and always comparing to ours,

This crap is unnecessary.. like wth?

Once I split with my ex's.. We are done. We both need to 'accept' it is done - and NOT drag it on.

She's being selfish.

As for your home.. are you still comfy there?  Then stay.. but change it the way you want to.

IF things are still deeply affecting you, where you feel too overwhelmed, is affecting your whole life, can't eat/sleep etc.. I do suggest you speak to your Dr... that is anxiety.. and therapy can help you 'work through things' so you can move on in a better way.

Edited by SooSad33
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Thanks for a quick reply, yes I totally get you but its just not that easy I can go for weeks ok, then its hits me like today - thinking about when we first moved in together etc. Yes Im aware I sound like a wet blanket but I'm here for help. Thing I don't get is if she's with someone else why does she message me?  In my subconscious I suppose I still think there's hope. I feel robbed of thd future we were meant to have and grow old together. She said yesterday she's scared of the future and no one will be like me. 

Its easy for people to say move on but we are not talking 2 years hear its 21.

Thansk again for any advice

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You've been given good advice over and over and over again in each of the threads you've started about your ex wife.

You already know what to do.  You just choose not to.

Endlessly ruminating about "Why why WHY??? does she do this!!" keeps you stuck in the loop of misery you've created for yourself.  Maybe someday you'll get sick and tired of being miserable, I don't know.

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I get that you guys n girls give me that advice and wish I could move on. Yes I know it sounds sad but cant see my self with anyone else.

I wish I hated her I mean she is with someone else now so why can't I move on.

Sorry if I'm annoying repeating myself but I'm lost

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Just now, Darcus30 said:

Yes thats what I thought, but will I still feel the same in a different house?

As long as you continue to permit her to bounce back and forth treating you like a tennis ball she's playing with, yes.

Your misery is 100% self-inflicted.  You flatly refuse to let go of the idea she'll somehow come back to you.  Even though you know she won't.

Like that song "Somebody I Used To Know", he says "you can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness".  I think you enjoy thinking of yourself as an ever-faithful, long-suffering ex spouse who will love her until the day you die, but how much true happiness does that bring you?

How long you choose to be unhappy is up to you.  

 

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33 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Yes thats what I thought, but will I still feel the same in a different house?

I don't know. A lot of it has to do with you, and what you want.

It's like Andy says in The Shawshank Redemption, "Get busy living, or get busy dying."

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On 1/27/2021 at 1:15 PM, Darcus30 said:

yes I totally get you but its just not that easy I can go for weeks ok, then its hits me like today - thinking about when we first moved in together etc. Yes Im aware I sound like a wet blanket but I'm here for help. Thing I don't get is if she's with someone else why does she message me?  In my subconscious I suppose I still think there's hope. I feel robbed of thd future we were meant to have and grow old together. She said yesterday she's scared of the future and no one will be like me. 

Its easy for people to say move on but we are not talking 2 years hear its 21.

I was married for 23 years and together for 25. During the 18 months separation and after the divorce, not once did we discuss "us." From that point forward, every discussion was about the children and nothing more. Once when his brother was in town, he invited me to join them for dinner, and that had nothing to do with him, but the fact that I had a family history with his brother, and he also invited me to his father's funeral. Those are healthy interactions and discussions. Minimal and always about the kids. No problems moving on whatsoever. Cordial, yet distant.

You allow her to ask how you are. You allow her to wonder "what if" as far as you two are concerned. What you should have done, and should do now, because better late than never, is to say to her, "From this point on, we need to only talk about our children's concerns. I need to mentally move-on, so respect my wishes." Friends and family ask how you are. She's neither. If she asks, remind her of the boundary. I'm sure you might be thinking, "Well, isn't it nice if someone asks that?" No, not for an ex. It's keep you dangling on a fish hook.

And the fact she's speaking about relationships, reminiscing, etc. with an ex shows her lack of ethics when she's dating someone. Not a catch. Change your mindset. Instead of feeling robbed of growing old with her, believe that the breakup happened for a good reason. That fate has someone better in store for you and then you can start chapter two of your life. You need to move on first, and so take the advice I and everyone else has given. Place rules on your discussions. Start thinking of her in a rear view mirror, moving farther and farther into your past, where she belongs.

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Thank you so much for taking the time out to answer me i will give this a go!

So could to here from someone else that has been through it

Can I ask did you ever settle down with someone else in the end?

 

Stay safe x

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3 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

Thank you so much for taking the time out to answer me i will give this a go!

So could to here from someone else that has been through it

Can I ask did you ever settle down with someone else in the end?

 

Yes, I have been married to my second husband for 9 years, together 11. It took a lot of sifting through sand in the dating world to find the treasure. I and many of my friends married too young without the maturity and life experience it takes to choose wisely the first time around. I'm 100 percent happier this time around, as are many people I know in second marriages.

I remember watching a documentary of The Beatles, and the narrator said something striking to me of his observation. All of them had as first wives (or in Paul's case, his longterm first girlfriend) women they "wanted." Their second wives (In Paul's case, his first wife Linda) were the women they "needed."

Even if you marry a second time at an older age, as long as people live on average these days, you can still manage to enjoy that companionship thirty or more years. Listen to the song by Rascal Flatts called God Bless the Broken Road. It's a song embraced by all of us who've made the goal of a happy second chance happen.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi all me again quick update, wow how things change! I'm totally over it! After aosta 2 years a switch went off about a month ago, even after all your advice I just couldn't heal, now I'm not in the slightest bit bothered - why is this? I'm glad just intrigued as to why I could have done this a year ago.

I literally wouldn't want her back now. 

I thank you for all your help It must have been so frustrating to hear me go on and on xx

I have a new Question, if she did want to come back how do I tell her no with out sounding horrible 🤔

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50 minutes ago, Darcus30 said:

Hi all me again quick update, wow how things change! I'm totally over it! After aosta 2 years a switch went off about a month ago, even after all your advice I just couldn't heal, now I'm not in the slightest bit bothered - why is this? I'm glad just intrigued as to why I could have done this a year ago.

I literally wouldn't want her back now. 

I thank you for all your help It must have been so frustrating to hear me go on and on xx

I have a new Question, if she did want to come back how do I tell her no with out sounding horrible 🤔

Good to hear! Well your ex wife probably won't come back, will she? Do you think you'll try to start dating now that you're over her?

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3 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Good to hear! Well your ex wife probably won't come back, will she? Do you think you'll try to start dating now that you're over her?

Hi all me again quick update, wow how things change! I'm totally over it! After aosta 2 years a switch went off about a month ago, even after all your advice I just couldn't heal, now I'm not in the slightest bit bothered - why is this? I'm glad just intrigued as to why I could have done this a year ago.

I literally wouldn't want her back now. 

I thank you for all your help It must have been so frustrating to hear me go on and on xx

I have a new Question, if she did want to come back how do I tell her no with out sounding horrible 🤔

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I'm actually worried that if her new relationship doesn't work out she'll think she can come back but I can think of nothing worse lol. We speak cause of the kids but she's always saying bad things about him to me and I can't bd arsed to hear it if I'm honest. 

I'm definitely going to start dating and feel ready but won't lie, after 20 yrs will be scary, but I guess it's like riding a bike right lol

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9 hours ago, Darcus30 said:

I'm actually worried that if her new relationship doesn't work out she'll think she can come back but I can think of nothing worse lol.

Cross that bridge when it comes and promise yourself that you will be civil. For now it's not a reality and you're worried about something that hasn't happened. Don't let this stop you from being happy.

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Thank you so much for your kind words, makes alot of sense.  I'm going to make today the day I don't stress, and live my life, can't wait for the pubs to be open so can get out there again. 

 

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