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Giving up “the goods”


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2 hours ago, Pau said:

Hi!

I feel a bit better reading your comment. A bit more background, I’ve known him as an acquaintance for some years, but nothing ever grew romantically until recently. I think I wouldn’t like to date someone who would judge someone or write off someone who is happy to have sex on the first date. 

Hi 🙂

 

Yeah, it would be very shallow and hypocritical thinking imo. 

Has he asked you out on the last two dates? If yes I see nothing wrong with you contacting him and asking him out. If he rejects you, well then you have your answer and can move on. 

And if he agrees, even better 🙂

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2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

At this point it's the last thing I would do.  Wait and see how long it takes him to contact you again.  It's already a week with no word.  Maybe I'm really cynical, but if it takes this long with not a word, and then suddenly he returns out of the blue, that would tell me he'll only contact you when he's bored or wants sex.  I would not contact him first, but that's just me.

Totally agree

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22 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You can have sex whenever you are ready. Perhaps you need to step out of the black and white thinking that men only want sex, then discard you.

Either you enjoy someone's company or you don't. It's doesn't matter if you have sex on date one or 100. If you are into each other it works out. If you are not, it doesn't.

Don't have sex to keep a man. 

Thanks for this honest feedback. I don’t think I slept with him in order to keep him. It was more that afterwards I got more attached than I thought I would. 
 

I guess I’m just hoping that having sex on a first date doesn’t hinder the potential for a relationship. But like you said, if you are into each other, it works out. 

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55 minutes ago, SaiKiiAdou said:

Hi 🙂

 

Yeah, it would be very shallow and hypocritical thinking imo. 

Has he asked you out on the last two dates? If yes I see nothing wrong with you contacting him and asking him out. If he rejects you, well then you have your answer and can move on. 

And if he agrees, even better 🙂

You’re right. I appreciate you calling it out about my shallow/hypocritical thinking. I think it came more out of insecurity than unfounded judgement. He asked me on the first and I asked him on the second. I was thinking the ball might be more in his court. But if I really like the guy maybe it’s worth being brave and asking again myself. I don’t know. 

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3 minutes ago, Pau said:

 if I really like the guy maybe it’s worth being brave and asking again myself.

Sure, why not?  Nothing to lose. If you go out again, great, if not it was a fun hookup and you're free to move forward.

In that regard the ball is in your court to determine if waiting around for a relationship with him is worth your while.

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1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just curious what the significance of "cis woman" is to you?

Your post opens with this designation, so wondering how that this relates to your worries about him.

Did he mention during your dates that he prefers or usually dates trans women?

Is this why you are concerned you haven't heard back yet? 

Sometimes dating can be one or two dates, (with or without sex) and that's it.

If you want to see him again, just call and ask him to go out.

In response to your first question, it’s got absolutely nothing to do with my question. It’s irrelevant. Basically I have tried to of these online community forums in which people ask relationship advice. The other platform in which I asked this question, it asked for my pronouns and gender identity. I just copied and pasted from that last forum. So basically, me stating it is unnecessary. 
 

yeah why not just call? It’s not like I have anything to lose. I think I haven’t dated very much so I’m not sure about the protocols or done things are yet.

Pau. 

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Just now, Pau said:

.The other platform in which I asked this question, it asked for my pronouns and gender identity. I just copied and pasted from that last forum. 

What were the responses there?

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2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sure, why not?  Nothing to lose. If you go out again, great, if not it was a fun hookup and you're free to move forward.

In that regard the ball is in your court to determine if waiting around for a relationship with him is worth your while.

Hmm, maybe I am overthinking this whole thing a bit. Rejection is scary, but it’s part of it. If I don’t risk rejection I have less chance finding a good relationship/love.
 

I guess I’ve got to figure out if waiting around is worth my while too. Hmm

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

What were the responses there?

There haven’t been any yet! It is actually a podcast called ‘The Just Break Up Podcast.’ It’s really really good. But they get lots of letters, so it’s probably unlikely that they’ll reply. I definitely recommend it though. 🙂

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Pau, his silence and lack of action speak volumes. Just listen to his silence, it says loud and clearly that he is not interested. If he were, he knows your number and where to find you. Do not chase him, it looks desperate. Sit tight and get comfortable with the thought that it was a "hit and run" hook up situation. 

There is a valuable lesson for you though, and it is that you get attached when you sleep with a men and that casual sex is not for you.  

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To call or not to call him?  The age old question...

You mentioned that he had called you after the date where you had sex. Is that correct?  How many days after and what was the call like?  Basically what was the tone of the call?

The reason I ask is because people get confused on who's turn it is to call.  To me it is silly games but they get played silly or not.  If he called you last perhaps he is waiting for you to call him.

If you could elaborate on your last discussion it might help.  Also your choices are yours.  You were not coerced or tricked and you have every right to have sex with someone after one minute of dating or one year of dating as long as you are honest with yourself why you are doing it.  It doesn't make you less of a person at all.  Anyone that would pass judgement on you for your choices is far less true to themselves than you are.

  Lost

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I don't think of sex as a commodity. I just know myself well enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. So, that means it's really important for me to get to know someone really well to learn who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH.

Unless and until I figure out where I stand with someone, and where I want to stand with him, I keep sex out of the equation. That's just me, but it has really simplified my life to avoid sleeping first, then asking questions later.

Head high, and fingers crossed for a good outcome.

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12 hours ago, catfeeder said:

I don't think of sex as a commodity. I just know myself well enough to know that I bond when I'm sexual. So, that means it's really important for me to get to know someone really well to learn who, exactly, I'll want to bond WITH.

Unless and until I figure out where I stand with someone, and where I want to stand with him, I keep sex out of the equation. That's just me, but it has really simplified my life to avoid sleeping first, then asking questions later.

Head high, and fingers crossed for a good outcome.

Hi OP,

I don’t really have advice as such, as I’m in a very similar position. I just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone in those values and I find myself doubting myself at times, because it appears to be an unusual stance to take. 
I’ve had a strict Catholic upbringing, only started dating much later in life and prefer to sleep with people after getting to know them with the intention of having a relationship. Nothing wrong with how you feel at all and in some ways it helps sift the time wasters. 
All I would say (having, today, finally “given up the goods” myself to a guy I’ve been seeing for a month), it did become hard/awkward holding out for an arbitrary green light. So in the end I just did what I was comfortable with. He’s been kind, respectful and patient. But in romance there are no guarantees and you have to take risks at some point. For all I know, he could say all the right things today and become a complete *** tomorrow. Just use your common sense and internal compass to decide if/when. Everything else is just noise and creates unnecessary tension. 
I’m really interested in your story so please do post again with your updates. Wishing you the best of luck 🙂

Edited by LunarUK
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On 1/28/2021 at 5:25 AM, Pau said:

He did not say anything about wanting a relationship though, and verbally communicated he wanted more of a go with the flow kind of thing.

And another thing: do be wary of guys who say they wanna go with the flow if what you’re actually looking for is a relationship. I’ve had that line dropped to be before: to me it meant this might grow into a relationship. I later discovered that to him it meant I just want something casual. So do clarify as early as possible before you get too attached. And if the answer is anything less than. “Yes! I’m looking for a relationship”, even if it’s a don’t know/unsure. Treat it as a no and act accordingly until he shows you otherwise. 

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On 1/31/2021 at 6:06 AM, LunarUK said:

And another thing: do be wary of guys who say they wanna go with the flow if what you’re actually looking for is a relationship. I’ve had that line dropped to be before: to me it meant this might grow into a relationship. I later discovered that to him it meant I just want something casual. So do clarify as early as possible before you get too attached. And if the answer is anything less than. “Yes! I’m looking for a relationship”, even if it’s a don’t know/unsure. Treat it as a no and act accordingly until he shows you otherwise. 

I think you’re definitely right. I took the whole “go with the flow” thing as a potential for a relationship because I figured the “flow” would lead somewhere. Turns out he just wanted a causal hookup. I really should have clarified what he meant when he said that. Hopefully I’ve learned something from this.

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5 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

OP, any update?

Hey there Capricorn 3!

He finally responded to me asking if he wanted to see me again. A week later! He said that the time he spent with me was “too good”, and that if he kept hanging around me he’d get attached. He didn’t like that however, and told me that in retrospect he found girls to be a big time commitment that he didn’t want to give right now. He said I kept him up too much when I did stay and it freaked him out.  He asked for fwb, I said I couldn’t cause I already caught feelings. He asked me for professional advice rather than a relationship?...I said no thank you, time to part ways. 
 

UGH! 
bummer

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I am sorry it didn't work out like you had hoped but now you will not be sitting around wondering and you can move on. 

No matter when you gave up the goods he would have been of the same mind, you would have just wasted more time on him...

His loss.  

Lost

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3 hours ago, Pau said:

He finally responded to me asking if he wanted to see me again. A week later! He said that the time he spent with me was “too good”, and that if he kept hanging around me he’d get attached. He didn’t like that however, and told me that in retrospect he found girls to be a big time commitment that he didn’t want to give right now. He said I kept him up too much when I did stay and it freaked him out.  He asked for fwb, I said I couldn’t cause I already caught feelings. He asked me for professional advice rather than a relationship?...I said no thank you, time to part ways. 
UGH! 
bummer

Ugh, what a sleazeball.  Sorry it didn't work out for you, but I think you dodged a bullet here.   Good on you for saying NO!  Whatever you do, please do not weaken should he call you again. (Unless of course you want fwb).  I wouldn't give this guy the time of day - something about him just very off-putting. eew.

Better luck next time.  Onwards and upwards! 

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5 hours ago, Pau said:

Hey there Capricorn 3!

He finally responded to me asking if he wanted to see me again. A week later! He said that the time he spent with me was “too good”, and that if he kept hanging around me he’d get attached. He didn’t like that however, and told me that in retrospect he found girls to be a big time commitment that he didn’t want to give right now. He said I kept him up too much when I did stay and it freaked him out.  He asked for fwb, I said I couldn’t cause I already caught feelings. He asked me for professional advice rather than a relationship?...I said no thank you, time to part ways. 
 

UGH! 
bummer

Good for you for standing your ground. Really hate it when guys are opaque then once they get what they want, ask for FWB. They know what they’re doing - had he been upfront, he knows it would’ve been no. 
 

Like @lostandhurt said, this would’ve happened sooner or later whenever you decided to do it (very simple but very good advice - hadn’t thought of it that way before and makes me feel we should be less hung up about timings), so at least you’ve saved yourself some time here. But sorry it didn’t work out and better luck next time. I would say clarify intentions earlier on next time, but that’s not fool proof either so just do you. 

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On 1/26/2021 at 10:17 PM, Pau said:

 Problem was, the longer I spoke with him the more I realised that I really really was sexually attracted to him, and I actually really really want to did want to have sex with him. 

So I did, and it was ***ing awesome! 

You both wanted a casual hookup. And that's exactly what happened. 

It took a wrong turn when you tried to build that into a relationship.

It's not about "your goods", it's about building a relationship if that's what you want....or.... just having hookups if that's what you want.

Get to know someone for a while to determine if you want to continue and try to build a relationship with them.

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He would not be an "FWB" - you were never friends -this is someone you met and shortly after you had a date and had sex with him.  He has time to meet up for sex but not time to properly date a "girl"?  No it was not "too good" - it was too much of an effort to call you in a reasonable amount of time and now it's too much effort for him to take you on a date but he has time to have sex with you when he's horny.  

You agreed to casual sex and I think he acted like a jerk in the conversation you described whether you'd had sex or not.  

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I doubt this is his first rodeo. He's a smooth talker so much so he talked you right out of your pants. That's his MO. Everyone is right, spend more time getting to know them. Time usually tells if they are in it to get yer pants off or actually interested in you. Remember regardless of good intentions or not, men want sex...that the first thing on their mind...."she's attractive enough for me to want sex with her." So sometimes, even tho they are looking for a relationship, it just may not be with you, or her or her, but with this girl yes.

So after what happened.... I say watch out for players, smooth operators. Being swept off your feet with intense conversation is just another method of getting laid. Guys will do and say anything to get you into bed. They can easily morph into someone you are looking for. This guy knew to work it through a woman intellectually, and her emotions. Tricky little Ba$%^&

Edited by smackie9
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On 1/31/2021 at 10:44 PM, Pau said:

Hey there Capricorn 3!

He finally responded to me asking if he wanted to see me again. A week later! He said that the time he spent with me was “too good”, and that if he kept hanging around me he’d get attached. He didn’t like that however, and told me that in retrospect he found girls to be a big time commitment that he didn’t want to give right now. He said I kept him up too much when I did stay and it freaked him out.  He asked for fwb, I said I couldn’t cause I already caught feelings. He asked me for professional advice rather than a relationship?...I said no thank you, time to part ways. 
 

UGH! 
bummer

Just based on your responses here, I already really like you. Girl, just keep being your open minded self and the right guy will do everything to keep you. Who knows, maybe this guy will circle back around after he grows through some life. In the mean time, enjoy the h*ll out of those steamy memories, and more power to you for living your life. Keep it up! I love an unapologetically authentic woman with a good head on her shoulders. It makes me proud to be a woman too.

Edited by indea08
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It's a mix of emotions.  Of course the disappointment.  But more so, and what you should focus on is the fact that you had the confidence to act on your own self care. 

That you are aware of your own values and how being intimate affects you.  This is a good thing.  You know your worth and weren't willing to settle.

Lastly, you got your answer and didn't waste another minute on something that wasn't going anywhere.

I think the positives in this experience outweigh the negative.

I learned this early on, and when things look like they are going down this path I tell them straight up that I prefer to be intimate with someone after I have gotten to know them and we both agree that we are looking for the same thing.  And for me, that takes time. 

It's not the same as asking the person for anything or giving an ultimatum.  I am just stating my personal values.   It's been interesting because I when I started doing this from a place of confidence, they respected me more.  Probably due to I was respecting my values first.

Head high!

Edited by reinventmyself
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