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Boyfriend admitted he had feelings for another girl.


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My partner of two and a half years finally admitted to having feelings for another girl that he works with. He 'had' feelings for her for over a year of our relationship, and didn't admit it for another 6 months after that. I knew, he spoke about her casually, liked everything she posted, messaged her first, just overall started making more of an effort to get her attention than he did with our relationship. During the time I never confronted him about it, he was unaware that I knew. He completely stopped paying attention to us and our relationship, to which he also admitted he was distracted. Since then he has been amazing, but I can't help but compare myself to this girl, it's seriously scarred me. As much as I want to forgive and forget, I'm struggling. I've dropped ALOT of weight through a developed eating disorder, and just overall feel entirely ashamed about myself. What can I do, what is best? Do I stay or do I leave? 

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Sorry this happened. How old is he? Do they still work together? 

Do you live together? Why would you want to forgive and forget this? 

Edited by Wiseman2
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Yikes.....it's not this girl that's the problem, it's your bf. Why on earth would you want to stay with Mr. Backstabber, let alone forgive and forget?

OP, relationships are NOT a competition where the thinnest, prettiest, most accommodating girl wins. It's not how that stuff works. Super Models get cheated on. Cheating is never ever about you, who you are, what you do, how you look, etc, etc, etc. People cheat because they enjoy duping YOU. That's it, that simple. They love deceit. This pretend love bombing he is doing now....just more of duping you. A power trip for him that he can be such a low life and you'll buy his bs and stay for more. STOP. Get away from him. Kick him out of your life with extreme prejudice.

Please get rid of this loser before he destroys what's left of your self respect and health. Please start taking better care of yourself and work hard on figuring out what healthy relationships look like. This one is not it.

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57 minutes ago, JMT said:

 As much as I want to forgive and forget, I'm struggling. I've dropped ALOT of weight through a developed eating disorder, and just overall feel entirely ashamed about myself. What can I do, what is best? Do I stay or do I leave? 

You need to dump your boyfriend, and seek the support of a compassionate doctor and therapist. I mean that in kindness, too. 

This is not what love looks like, and you are in a relationship that is eventually going to end. Your boyfriend is not with you for the right reasons. 

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OK first off why didn't you confront him right away? I sense a lot of low self esteem from you. Now I know people can get past infidelity such as emotional affairs, BUT this isn't over. Forgiveness doesn't resolve his issue, or whatever was the root of him going astray. This need further discussion to sort it out...why it started, why he continued, the purpose of this affair, why he came clean about it, what is going to happen about it now? what kind of boundaries are set, like communication between them, taking her off his social media, etc.

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When a relationship makes you develop an eating disorder and threatens your health and fundamental well-being; then it is time to sever ties, take distance and be kind to oneself. No relationship is worth an eating disorder. Sometimes we have to leave what we desire (a lover) in order to protect who we love-ourselves. 

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1 hour ago, JMT said:

Since then he has been amazing, but I can't help but compare myself to this girl, it's seriously scarred me. As much as I want to forgive and forget, I'm struggling. I've dropped ALOT of weight through a developed eating disorder,

Wow  😞

I say you leave.  it has affected you in a negative.

Out of respect, he should have acted out by just ending things with you - if he really wants to persue her.. but come on, don't lead someone on, when you're just not all in it!

Do him the favour.. walk away, for your own well being ❤️ 

Be with someone who IS fully into you.

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1 hour ago, JMT said:

As much as I want to forgive and forget, I'm struggling.

Many can forgive, yet few can forget.  Added to that, your feelings/reactions are normal.  I'd put a end to selling myself short, and move forward with my head held high.

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I'm not sure what's tying you to this person after that level of deception and duplicity. Are you dependent on him for shelter or live together? What's keeping you there?

This would be more a question of logistics than morals/virtues or forgiveness. 

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Why have you chosen to stay in this relationship?  Other than "But I LOVE him!" Or "We've been together X amount of time and I don't want to 'give up'"! Or "We have the same hobbies and taste in music!" 

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Hey there,

This is a really heartbreaking situation, and I am so sorry you are dealing with these feelings that you are not good enough and that it has developed into an eating disorder. In my experiences with dating, I have had an eating disorder flare up when things were goi no wrong within my relationships. Eating disorders are almost always a symptom that something else is wrong, namely, when we feel like we aren’t in control. I am wondering if you are feeling like you don’t actually have very much autonomy in this relationship. 
 

here are some red flags for me.

• the fact that he didn’t say anything for six months. Good true love requires honest and open communication. 

• you say he is being amazing, but in what ways? Is he truly paying more attention to your relationship or doing things as a way of atonement or being guilt driven?

• if you have developed an eating disorder and dropped a lot of weight, he as your partner needs to help in any way that he can. Had he noticed? Is he being sympathetic towards your situation?

at the end of the day, I’ve had to teach myself that I don’t want who doesn’t want me. I don’t want who doesn’t want me. Life is too short to be chasing someone who is only lukewarm about you. Why deny yourself the possibility of finding someone who truly loves you and only you by staying in a relationship that seems to be making you unhappy?

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He broke you down. He didn't love you properly or enough to stop him from having a wandering eye.

He made you question your worth, your value, your attractiveness as a woman. He is still making you feel vulnerable, scared, worried about who else out there is going to look better to him.

All of those things are more than enough reason to leave.

He no longer deserves you and you no longer deserve to suffer.

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On 1/26/2021 at 2:30 PM, JMT said:

My partner of two and a half years finally admitted to having feelings for another girl that he works with. He 'had' feelings for her for over a year of our relationship, and didn't admit it for another 6 months after that. I knew, he spoke about her casually, liked everything she posted, messaged her first, just overall started making more of an effort to get her attention than he did with our relationship. During the time I never confronted him about it, he was unaware that I knew. He completely stopped paying attention to us and our relationship, to which he also admitted he was distracted. Since then he has been amazing, but I can't help but compare myself to this girl, it's seriously scarred me. As much as I want to forgive and forget, I'm struggling. I've dropped ALOT of weight through a developed eating disorder, and just overall feel entirely ashamed about myself. What can I do, what is best? Do I stay or do I leave? 

Oh boy. kick him to the curb. 
He does not deserve a gram of your love, attention, or your worry! 

if he has feelings for another girl while being with you that is not YOUR fault, it is HIS fault!
Even if you had serious problems in your relationship, if he allowed himself to be not only attracted to her, but investing time to her, he does not love you, you are just comfortable to be with until he knows it can work out with another girl.

Girl, f**k him. He doesn't deserve you at all. You should not be ashamed that HE has feelings, HE should be ashamed and guilty that he developed feelings for someone outside of your relationship.

If i were you, I'd guilt trip the heck out of him and make him feel terrible for even feeling these things, and then i'd leave him. 

Maybe even put a glitter bomb in his car >:) 

(just kidding ofc, no physical threat)

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On 26/01/2021 at 7:35 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. How old is he? Do they still work together? 

Do you live together? Why would you want to forgive and forget 

I appreciate that, although not your fault! He is almost 24 now.. I know, embarrassing. 

Yes technically, he's been on furlough for most part of the year due to covid so hasn't been at work. 

 

We do love together, and because I feel as if he has improved, he's also very close to my family and I do not feel as if i would cope another break up. I've had such bad luck with relationships that I'm just completed battered and broken now.

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On 26/01/2021 at 8:38 PM, smackie9 said:

OK first off why didn't you confront him right away? I sense a lot of low self esteem from you. Now I know people can get past infidelity such as emotional affairs, BUT this isn't over. Forgiveness doesn't resolve his issue, or whatever was the root of him going astray. This need further discussion to sort it out...why it started, why he continued, the purpose of this affair, why he came clean about it, what is going to happen about it now? what kind of boundaries are set, like communication between them, taking her off his social media, etc.

I felt as if it would push him away, which honestly shows how confident I am in the relationship. I have very low self esteem, i don't feel comfortable getting changed in front of him, doing make up etc. That's what i wanted to figure out. Will this pain ever end or will it end up wrecking me even more. From what I've read it's best to leave. When I say we've spoken about this almost every week, because of me asking questions trying to make sense of it - I'm not kidding. Things that remind of this girl, or his work place or anything relating to it brings up memories. It has completely destroyed me. He came clean after me interrogating him for the truth, which says alot about him as well. I've said to him that he can do what he wants - he removed her off of social media a few months after it happened... he's lied about communication at work. I'm not a nosey girlfriend by the way, but I know what I know, to get an answer i have to interrogate him... it drives me nuts 

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On 26/01/2021 at 8:10 PM, DancingFool said:

Yikes.....it's not this girl that's the problem, it's your bf. Why on earth would you want to stay with Mr. Backstabber, let alone forgive and forget?

OP, relationships are NOT a competition where the thinnest, prettiest, most accommodating girl wins. It's not how that stuff works. Super Models get cheated on. Cheating is never ever about you, who you are, what you do, how you look, etc, etc, etc. People cheat because they enjoy duping YOU. That's it, that simple. They love deceit. This pretend love bombing he is doing now....just more of duping you. A power trip for him that he can be such a low life and you'll buy his bs and stay for more. STOP. Get away from him. Kick him out of your life with extreme prejudice.

Please get rid of this loser before he destroys what's left of your self respect and health. Please start taking better care of yourself and work hard on figuring out what healthy relationships look like. This one is not it.

We live together, he's extremely close with my family, I'm just scared of starting fresh with someone new or even being alone. I don't know if I  could cope. 

I've tried leaving but he just seems like he won't cope either which makes it even harder, he's just curled up into a ball, he doesn't see mates at all, doesn't go out u less it's with me and rarely sees family. I have to tell him to go and visit them. He's just become depressed since it happened, which kills me.

 

Thank you for your help. I'll figure out what is best 

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19 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Why have you chosen to stay in this relationship?  Other than "But I LOVE him!" Or "We've been together X amount of time and I don't want to 'give up'"! Or "We have the same hobbies and taste in music!" 

It's more of the fact that both me and him have become an emotional wreck when it  comes to ending the relationship. I almost did a few nights ago which bought me to this site. But we just both broke down in tears, I have never seen a man cry over our relationship before. I don't feel as if either of us are strong enough to end it, and I'm scared to find out if that is true. 

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1 hour ago, JMT said:

 I don't feel as if either of us are strong enough to end it, and I'm scared to find out if that is true. 

OP, everyone is strong enough to end things.  You just have to want it badly enough.  "I can't" really means "I don't want to."  You have to be honest with yourself and ask yourself why. What do you get out of it.

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18 hours ago, JMT said:

We live together, he's extremely close with my family, I'm just scared of starting fresh with someone new or even being alone. I don't know if I  could cope. 

I've tried leaving but he just seems like he won't cope either which makes it even harder, he's just curled up into a ball, he doesn't see mates at all, doesn't go out u less it's with me and rarely sees family. I have to tell him to go and visit them. He's just become depressed since it happened, which kills me.

 

Thank you for your help. I'll figure out what is best 

Depressed? It's more than likely it's due to having to dump her right? He's grieving. You both want to figure this out? We can only do so much for you here. You BOTH need professional counseling.

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19 hours ago, JMT said:

I appreciate that, although not your fault! He is almost 24 now.. I know, embarrassing. 

Yes technically, he's been on furlough for most part of the year due to covid so hasn't been at work. 

 

We do love together, and because I feel as if he has improved, he's also very close to my family and I do not feel as if i would cope another break up. I've had such bad luck with relationships that I'm just completed battered and broken now.

Of course you could cope, as we all have.  You do realize that you have a pattern of choosing crappy men.  You are the common denominator.  

You are going to further impact your physical and mental health because you fear being alone?   So, not only is he cheating on you emotionally as you support him financially, you will continue with a creep who does not love or respect you.  

I suggest dumping him and seeking therapy to get to the root of your self esteem issues.  Your actions are masochistic.  

I'm curious as to what type of feedback you thought you would receive?  You asked if you should leave-we all told you that you should-but now you are saying that you do not want to.  I'm confused. 

Edited by Hollyj
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On 1/26/2021 at 2:30 PM, JMT said:

What can I do, what is best? Do I stay or do I leave? 

My heart goes out to you.

Nobody else is living your life for you, so nobody else gets a vote.

What do you want for yourself?

 

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On 1/27/2021 at 4:15 PM, JMT said:

We live together, he's extremely close with my family, 

Talk to trusted friends and family about what is really going on. Don't cover for him. Best honest with your family.

You've invested way too much in this situation. Move back home. Explain why.

Don't stay with a crude unloving man. Making repeatedly unhappy decisions unfortunately is about you.

Therapy would help you with Cognative distortions such as staying with a bad man is less draining than finding a decent man.

 

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20 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Depressed? It's more than likely it's due to having to dump her right?

Exactly. It's a manipulation ploy. Poor him. He got caught shtting on his girlfriend. Oh boo hoo.

On 1/27/2021 at 4:11 PM, JMT said:

I have very low self esteem, i don't feel comfortable getting changed in front of him, doing make up etc.

JMT, being in a relationship with this guy is going to wreck your self esteem even more. You really do need to get out. You can't improve your self esteem when you've chained yourself to someone like this. 

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