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What to do with my boyfriend?


Scorpi

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So I moved in with my boyfriend awhile ago since I thought he was this great guy. It seems like he is very moody and overreacts to things though. Here are some examples:
- I was looking for my external hard drive. I ended up finding a battery pack instead. I asked my boyfriend what it was. He told me that it was a battery pack. So I plugged it in his computer. Then he got upset at me. He was like he was offended that I didn't believe him. I'm like I was just making sure that it was a battery pack in fact. So he changed his password to his computer so I couldn't used it which wasn't good since I use his computer for work.
- A couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend asked what I was doing in the afternoon. I'm like working. He was like he thought my one friend was coming over. I was like oh yea, that is right. I forgot about that since I had too many things on my mind. He thought I was lying though. I ended up apologizing to him though. During this time, he started to mock me and told me to f*** me which I thought was disrespectful.
- A couple of days ago, he said that our relationship mightn't be long term since it seems like we have different values which I didn't agree with. So he might just break up with me soon. Also he mentioned about that lying incident. So it seems like he is still holding a grudge which isn't right. I thought he should be over that by now since it was a small thing and happened a couple of weeks ago. It also happened once. I also asked if there were things about me that bothered him. He said no, there wasn't which didn't make sense to me. If there wasn't anything that bothered him, then why he mentioned about this relationship being short termed?
Awhile ago, he did apologized for being moody. He thinks it is because he is trying to quit smoking. I like if that was the case, he would be moody to everyone and not just me.
Also I think he has some intimacy issues. He is also not affectionate and romantic at all. The only time he is like that is when he is horny. There was this time when I tried hugging him but he got upset about that. He told me that I was distracting him. So I am thinking of giving him time to see if he improves. If not, then I would have to talk to him about things.
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Many times moving in with someone exposes a lot of traits you might not have noticed while dating and living apart.

So are you going to wait to see if he learns how to be a good bf or are you going to teach him?  Either choice is not a good one from what you described.

It doesn't sound like he is very invested in the relationship or you.  I hate to be blunt but you seem more like a convenience than a girlfriend.  Everything is on his terms.  Affection is only when he wants sex, your company only when he is bored, he uses abusive language towards you and disrespects you.

All that is a tough hill to climb.  It isn't like he leaves the toilet seat up or plays video games to much.  These are serious issues that time will not fix.

Take a good hard look at the relationship as if your sister or best friend were living with a guy just like him and told you all this.  What would you tell them to do?

You shouldn't have to teach your bf how to be respectful or affectionate and you certainly shouldn't have to teach him how not to be verbally abusive.

Time to start thinking about where you can live when this all becomes to much to tolerate.

  Lost

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1 hour ago, Scorpi said:
So I moved in with my boyfriend awhile ago since I thought he was this great guy. 

Sorry this is happening.  How long have you been dating? How long have you lived with him? Where did you live before? Why not pack your things and move back home. It's just not working out. He wants to end it and you're unhappy. 

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Yeah... what Wiseman asked... ^ .. How long you been together?

I don't get why he's being so snarky with you?  Accusing you of lying & then throwing that in your face again.. 😞 

He's 'venting; on you since you are the only one there.  Either way, he's being very unkind.

Darn right, you should 'talk' to him. (sounds like he finds you more of a burden- in his space?).

If he's said he can't see this long term, then just get out of it.. Why let it carry on anymore?  Especially if he is this critical with you.

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6 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah... what Wiseman asked... ^ .. How long you been together?

I don't get why he's being so snarky with you?  Accusing you of lying & then throwing that in your face again.. 😞 

He's 'venting; on you since you are the only one there.  Either way, he's being very unkind.

Darn right, you should 'talk' to him. (sounds like he finds you more of a burden- in his space?).

If he's said he can't see this long term, then just get out of it.. Why let it carry on anymore?  Especially if he is this critical with you.

Yes this and also agree with Holly.  He's not just overreacting -he's rude and telling you he doesn't want to be with you.

I heard this story many years ago - appropriate here.  Very pretty woman -a classmate of mine - was engaged to a really handsome classmate of ours.  The engagement ended.  Why? Because she tested him, threatening to end things with him and started fidgeting with her engagement ring.  He said if she took the ring off and gave it back to him even as a threat, or threw it off, etc it would be over.  She did so.  It was over. (this is how I heard it and knowing her I believe it).

So tell him you're not into his comments about how this is not long term - if that is how he feels, you agree and you thank him for telling you.  Recharge your battery pack with someone who deserves you.  

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19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  How long have you been dating? How long have you lived with him? Where did you live before? Why not pack your things and move back home. It's just not working out. He wants to end it and you're unhappy. 

So I have known him for a year and we just started to date 6 months ago. I have been living with him for 4 months. I used to live with my parents before. I would want to get my own place but I can't afford it right now. So I guess the best option would be to move back in with my parents. 

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9 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Yeah... what Wiseman asked... ^ .. How long you been together?

I don't get why he's being so snarky with you?  Accusing you of lying & then throwing that in your face again.. 😞 

He's 'venting; on you since you are the only one there.  Either way, he's being very unkind.

Darn right, you should 'talk' to him. (sounds like he finds you more of a burden- in his space?).

If he's said he can't see this long term, then just get out of it.. Why let it carry on anymore?  Especially if he is this critical with you.

We have been together for 6 months. I think he has some serious issues. He shouldn't be taking out his anger on me though since it is stressing me out. And if he didn't find this to be long term, then why did he invited me to live with him? 

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1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Many times moving in with someone exposes a lot of traits you might not have noticed while dating and living apart.

So are you going to wait to see if he learns how to be a good bf or are you going to teach him?  Either choice is not a good one from what you described.

It doesn't sound like he is very invested in the relationship or you.  I hate to be blunt but you seem more like a convenience than a girlfriend.  Everything is on his terms.  Affection is only when he wants sex, your company only when he is bored, he uses abusive language towards you and disrespects you.

All that is a tough hill to climb.  It isn't like he leaves the toilet seat up or plays video games to much.  These are serious issues that time will not fix.

Take a good hard look at the relationship as if your sister or best friend were living with a guy just like him and told you all this.  What would you tell them to do?

You shouldn't have to teach your bf how to be respectful or affectionate and you certainly shouldn't have to teach him how not to be verbally abusive.

Time to start thinking about where you can live when this all becomes to much to tolerate.

  Lost

I agree. A guy should just know how to be a good boyfriend. They should support you and not abused you. Also if I am a convenience, then why he invited me to come live with him? That sounds like someone that wants something long term would do. And it does sound like he has some serious issues. 

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9 minutes ago, Scorpi said:

We have been together for 6 months. I think he has some serious issues. He shouldn't be taking out his anger on me though since it is stressing me out. And if he didn't find this to be long term, then why did he invited me to live with him?

Involved only 6 mos.. living together for the last 4?  Way too much too fast!  You hardly know him.

Who knows why he asked?  Maybe to see IF you two were compatible?  help with the bills?

Either way, you are seeing now, how he really is..  Yup- move back out.. No one wants to be around someone like this who's stressing you out in a matter of months.

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3 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Involved only 6 mos.. living together for the last 4?  Way too much too fast!  You hardly know him.

Who knows why he asked?  Maybe to see IF you two were compatible?  help with the bills?

Either way, you are seeing now, how he really is..  Yup- move back out.. No one wants to be around someone like this who's stressing you out in a matter of months.

I have known him for a year though so I did know him somewhat. It is totally different when you are dating someone though. And I'm glad that I am seeing how he really is sooner than later. 

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3 minutes ago, Scorpi said:

I have known him for a year though so I did know him somewhat. It is totally different when you are dating someone though. And I'm glad that I am seeing how he really is sooner than later. 

Exactly!  To be a friend with someone is so much different than being involved with them!

As friends, we only do so much.. When dating someone, expectations are so much different.  And what you have experienced in this short time around him, shows you how he can be.  Totally disrespectful..

PLUS - you've had a hands on experience, being around him constantly. - which is showing you he is NOT for you.

Is good that you've had this experience early on.  Not where you've been involved a cpl yrs, etc.. where one can be much more emotionally invested... Either way, he's not one to remain with.

Be around someone who DOES appreciate you and not go at you this way.  he's got some 'issue's?  I guess you've experiences them :/.  Yah, no thanks.

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3 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You moved in with him after just two months!  Way too soon, like at least 10 months too soon. You didnt know him very well and now you are seeing who he is.  

Time to move back home if you cant afford your own place or have a girlfriend to share a place with.  This guy sounds awful.

Yea, I have known him for a year though so I knew him somewhat. It would have been better to figure out who he really was before I moved in though. Lesson learned! 

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Seems like you have a few takeaways here.

First is that what and how you know someone as a friend, can be very different from who they are as a bf. In fact, that's quite common. Lots of people can be very very different in how present themselves to friends and how they are with their SO, not to mention what expectations they have of that relationship. So regardless of how long you've known someone as a friend, always be sure to date at least a good year or more before you even consider moving in. Really do get to know them.

Second is don't treat moving in as some sign or a big step forward into a forever after future. Nowadays, most people treat live in relationships much more casually - as a test run, as a convenience, as a way to split bills, etc. Moving in can be quite meaningless. Focus more on how your relationship is actually going.

Unfortunately, in this case you are learning that this guy is not who you thought he is and he is not treating you well or with respect. There are no excuses for that. Especially stay away from people who hold grudges. That's a particularly nasty personality to deal with as they will punish you even years down the road by dredging up whatever grudges they have. Resolving any kind of conflict with these types constructively is nearly impossible.

Don't waste time waiting on him to change. He is an adult - you get what you see, believe it. Better to save up your money living with your folks than in this kind of a situation with someone who goes out of their way to stress you out, be nasty and rude with you and tell you to your face that you are disposable, aka doesn't see long term. As someone else said, thank him for the info and move out and be done. Btw, don't be surprised if he suddenly starts to plead, beg and promise change. Please don't fall for that bs because it is bs. For someone to genuinely work on their issues and change...takes 1-2 years of concentrated therapy, no relationships and focusing strictly on themselves. So someone who is genuine with their apologies would be more like, "I see your point and I am sorry. I am going to work on myself and can I contact you again in a year or two and see if we can connect then?"

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The grudges are no good. There's a lot there under the surface and it's best left to the professionals. It starts off as confusion because your reality is being questioned again and again no matter how hard you try to fix or repair the relationship. It doesn't matter how many times you make up or how many times you apologize, you will constantly be blamed for the other person's insecurities or issues or events in the relationship that that person is fixated on. 

If you feel there are issues that he has that are bigger than what you can deal with as a couple, he has to seek help working through that. 

I have some idea of what you are going through and the level of confusion and sadness. For me, I had tremendous anger after my marriage ended. It was anger for being blamed constantly for things and events that I thought were resolved years ago but never having the chance to be at rest or at peace. I always looked over my shoulder and walked on eggshells. 

Find the strength to move out and restart your life. 

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On 1/26/2021 at 2:48 PM, DancingFool said:

Lots of people can be very very different in how present themselves to friends and how they are with their SO

So true! Scorpi, you should reread this entire post a couple of times.^

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

...I'd tell him that he just did.

Yup!!

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