I knew my boyfriend was married but I still stayed

[valeriexo]

*I’m sorry this is a long post so for anyone who reads this, thank you*

 So I’m 24 and I’ve been dating this 53 year old man for 1 year and 2 months. And yes, I know, weird af. But I find attraction in older men, It’s what I like. Anyway, In the beginning I fell absolutely in love with him and we quickly became attached to the hip. We did everything together. He was always there for me and became the only person I felt I would have in my life considering I rlly have no friends, no job at the moment, I suffer with anxiety/depression/bipolar and I don’t have a very good relationship with my family I live with either.
 

Around 6-7 months after we made things official, I did some digging and found out through social media that he’s married and for 29 years too. When confronting him, he lied about it. He eventually came clean when I saw photos of their wedding and he told me that if he admitted to me he was married, he thought I’d leave him. It took a huge toll on me and I was extremely upset and wanted to leave the second I found out. He told me he lives with his wife & 2 kids also but I stupidly loved him so much that I thought maybe I could still be with him if it meant him doing the right thing by his wife and just leaving his house and marriage respectfully.

 

But he wouldn’t leave. And he told me it’s because they are still legally married but they’re not “together” anymore like that. He even told me they haven’t had sex in a very long time, they don’t sleep in the same bed and that they’re rlly only living together for their kids sake. His kids are 17 & 20. He also made the excuse saying he’d want to see his kids all the time too so if he packed his things and left, it would be difficult if not impossible for him to see them. I believed him but still felt weird about him living with her.

 

I trusted him tho and ofc wanted him to be around his kids more than anything so that’s when I thought that just because they’re legally married, maybe them not being romantically together anymore made it okay for me to stay around. I know now it was dumb as hell to think that was okay but clearly I was only thinking of myself. So yea, I stuck around because all I wanted was for us to be together and so that I could finally be happy. We even discussed babies in the future but I know I’m not ready because I already have a 2 yr old with a diff man.  

 

Months passed and things started not adding up when I found out he was constantly lying to his wife about where he was and who he was with when really he’d be with me. I asked him why he lies to her and why he can’t just be up front about me if they’re not even together and he told me that he doesn’t want to tell her the truth because it’ll only end up hurting the kids. Again, I believed him.

 

Even more things weren’t adding up when all the time I’d notice she’d be blowing up his phone mostly during the times we were hanging out all day and night. He convinced me that she was blowing his phone up because the kids were worried about him and where he was. Yet again, I believed him. More time passed and it got to a point where we both just ended up losing feelings for each other because we fought all the time. I also started to think he was just using me for sex too which I’m sure to y’all was pretty obvious already given our age range. But the real reason why I mostly lost feelings was because time and time again of seeing these texts his wife would send him and the non stop calls from her too made me feel like the kids weren’t actually worried about him but that maybe SHE was worried about him. I mean like, duh. But I’m stupid bc he kept feeding me lies and using his kids as his #1 excuse for her behavior.

 

So then, just the other day she found my social media through his account and saw on my page photos of us holding hands, out to dinner, etc. And that’s when she started flipping out on him even worse. She told him she went to search his credit card statements and found purchases of Hotels, Forever 21, Victoria Secret, Movies, etc.

 

Things escalated and that’s when she’d start always texting him like, “I know you’re with that girl.. don’t come back home.. I know your having sex with her, buying her things and spending our money, etc.” She’s even spotted us while driving on the road and FOLLOWED us in her car for awhile. I can’t say I blame her tho. 100% that’s when I was like alright...nah. Time to stop the excuses bc I know the truth. There’s no way she’d be acting the way she is, blowing up his phone, following us, and freaking out on him like this if they weren’t still together or it being “for the kids” either. It should’ve been obvious to me from the start but like I said, I believed every lie he told me because he convinced me so damn well otherwise.

 

He has major insecurity issues too and would always accuse me of cheating on him. Meanwhile he’s literally the one obvs still together with her and living in the same house while lying to the both of us about each other. I feel like him accusing me was his way of hiding what goes on between them behind closed doors. It disgusts me to think that all this time he’s for sure been having sex with her while having sex with me too and I feel stupid as hell to have thought all this time he wasn’t. I feel terrible being apart of the reason this woman has been suffering through so much pain and doubt in her marriage. I failed to see that from the very beginning and I’m so ashamed. Right away I chose to leave him for my own good and of course, hers too.
 

I don’t wanna be this home wrecker anymore than I have been because this poor woman doesn’t deserve it and that’s not who I want to be. I feel like a piece of crap for even being involved with a married man and thinking I could make things work for my own selfish needs all bc I thought they weren’t actually together anymore. I know there’s 0 excuse but I was desperate, alone, and in love. I sent him this long text explaining my reasons for having to leave him and the only thing he got out of what I said was that I’m “only getting rid of him bc I’m prob seeing another man”. Nothing else. I don’t expect y’all to feel bad for me even the slightest bit because I did this to myself and was wrong on so many levels.

 

So now, I’m left fighting the urge to tell his wife everything she’s suspected was true especially because she’s still with him as happy as can be. I know this bc I took a look at her Instagram and saw all these newly uploaded  photos of their wedding day and the captions saying things like “My dearest husband” or “The man of my life”.  I don’t know if it’s because she realized I’m out of his life or what considering I blocked him off everything but still, He shouldn’t be getting away with this so easily and still get to be happily married too while she’s just stuck on clueless. I feel she deserves to know but I don’t want to hurt her even more than I’m sure she was when she had her clues about me..and I don’t want her kids getting involved either and being hurt as well. 
 

Again I’m sorry for this point being so long but I guess I’m posting here because I want to know if it’s better I tell her or not. And I wanna know how I can fully move on from this and deal with the guilt of how bad I hurt this woman and even myself by being so naive to the truth. 

[Hollyj]

Please use paragraphs!

[valeriexo]

3 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Please use paragraphs!

I’m sorry I’m new to this app, what do you mean? 

[Capricorn3]

OP, can you please edit your post into paragraphs for easier reading. It is difficult reading a massive wall of text.  Thanks!  You'll also get a lot more replies.

[valeriexo]

Okay I just did. Is that easier?? 

[Hollyj]

Your thread is a big wall of text.   Make paragraphs.   

[valeriexo]

Just now, Hollyj said:

Your thread is a big wall of text.   Make paragraphs.   

Oh ! okay I get what you mean! Just fixed it..  Did I do it right? 

[Capricorn3]

4 minutes ago, valeriexo said:

Oh ! okay I get what you mean! Just fixed it..  Did I do it right? 

Thank you.  🙂

[Hollyj]

 

He does not love or respect you, as you can clearly see. .   He is also a  lying cheat, you should have dumped him when you found out.    This guy is the worst possible choice if you are dealing with mental health issues.   

Block and delete this creep!  Are you in therapy?

[SooSad33]

Wow.. 😞  Yah.. what a pathetic idiot!

Do not feel too badly for what you did... in the end you DID figure things out - and for HIM to sit there and ASSUME you were messing around on him... smh.

Yes, they will do that sometimes.. reverse blame & accusations, when actually they are the guilty one.

Sorry you got into such a mess with this man... there's all kinds out there!  😞 

But, do tread carefully... this be a lesson for you. (I dont see this fault on you- I am sure his wifey has figured this out as well).

Now that you've sent him that message, do NOT communicate anymore.  No contact... nothing!

He's very inconsiderate and selfish!  To put 2 women thru this .

[Tinydance]

Yes PLEASE be very careful next time when you smell a rat! That's most likely because there IS a rat! I mean really if someone is using the excuse of their kids but the kids are basically adults. A 20-year-old is an adult so how could the wife take them away when the person is of legal age and are not even a minor? Also it's extremely unlikely that someone would live with their ex when they're not even together. And just constantly using the excuse "it's for the kids", when they're actually not even kids! 

This man is a total narcissist because everything he did, he did for his own benefit and pleasure. And he was doing what's called "gaslighting". So accusing you of cheating to guilt you, when really it was him who was cheating all along.

I hope you've blocked him on everything and you'll never speak to him ever again!

[Capricorn3]

17 minutes ago, valeriexo said:

 And he told me it’s because they are still legally married but they’re not “together” anymore like that. He even told me they haven’t had sex in a very long time, they don’t sleep in the same bed and that they’re rlly only living together for their kids sake. His kids are 17 & 20. He also made the excuse saying he’d want to see his kids all the time too so if he packed his things and left, it would be difficult if not impossible for him to see them. 

Months passed and things started not adding up when I found out he was constantly lying to his wife about where he was and who he was with when really he’d be with me. I asked him why he lies to her and why he can’t just be up front about me if they’re not even together and he told me that he doesn’t want to tell her the truth because it’ll only end up hurting the kids.

Ahh, the oldest garbage line used in the history of mankind.  What a load of horse manure. 

Seriously, this "man" is gross beyond belief.  It makes my skin crawl just reading about him.   He's all about himself.  Self-absorbed, selfish, self-centred  ....... (you get what I mean).  I hope his wife finds a real sharp lawyer and takes him to the cleaners.  Okay, 'nuff said.

I can only suggest you try counselling/therapy for your mental health issues and then at the same time to help you sort yourself out with this current issue.  Good luck.

[Hollyj]

OP,  what attracts you to a man that is old enough to be your dad? 

[1a1a]

You might some useful perspectives on the Baggage Reclaim blog. The author had her fair share of run ins become attached to men who were still in contract with someone else and has good perspective shifts for unpacking that 

[Capricorn3]

Please, whatever you do, do NOT contact him ever again. Ever.  Lose his name, lose his number.  Lose ALL means of contact.  Block and delete him from your life, forever.   If he contacts you, delete, delete, delete.  Please learn from this.

[valeriexo]

10 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

 

He does not love or respect you, as you can clearly see. .   He is also a  lying cheat, you should have dumped him when you found out.    This guy is the worst possible choice if you are dealing with mental health issues.   

Block and delete this creep!  Are you in therapy?

yes I’m in therapy but I’m also In a custody battle with my daughters dad and due to my mental issues, I lost custody and have been stuck with supervised visits for about a year now. My therapist and my lawyer stay connected for my case and Ive worked so hard and am finally close to getting my daughter back. But now Im afraid to open up to my therapist about anything bc I feel like she’ll think my current issues leave me in no good state to take care of my daughter and then she’ll tell my lawyer but I know I am ready to take care of my daughter and that my issues won’t get in the way.. at least not this time. 

[Hollyj]

9 minutes ago, valeriexo said:

yes I’m in therapy but I’m also In a custody battle with my daughters dad and due to my mental issues, I lost custody and have been stuck with supervised visits for about a year now. My therapist and my lawyer stay connected for my case and Ive worked so hard and am finally close to getting my daughter back. But now Im afraid to open up to my therapist about anything bc I feel like she’ll think my current issues leave me in no good state to take care of my daughter and then she’ll tell my lawyer but I know I am ready to take care of my daughter and that my issues won’t get in the way.. at least not this time. 

I don’t think she can tell your lawyer what you share with her.  I think it was very bad judgement. You are done with this guy,  but it sounds like you need time to process all of this, as it is best for your child.     Are you on meds? 

[Capricorn3]

2 minutes ago, valeriexo said:

But now Im afraid to open up to my therapist about anything bc I feel like she’ll think my current issues leave me in no good state to take care of my daughter 

Maybe she's right?  Maybe you DO need a longer period of time to work through all this (current) mess.  Clearly you're not in a good place (mentally) right now and it needs to be sorted out until you're in a mentally healthier place.  I strongly believe your therapist should know about the current situation.

[valeriexo]

15 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

OP,  what attracts you to a man that is old enough to be your dad? 

Honestly I guess because they are self established, seem more mature, knowledgeable and can support themselves better than guys my age can. 

[valeriexo]

7 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

I don’t think she can tell your lawyer what you share with her.  I think it was very bad judgement. You are done with this guy,  but it sounds like you need time to process all of this, as it is best for your child.     Are you on meds? 

Yes I’m currently on meds but I need to speak to my psychiatrist about changing them bc they’re honestly not doing anything for me. I see her in 2 weeks so I’ll be toughing it out until then 

[Hollyj]

7 hours ago, valeriexo said:

Honestly I guess because they are self established, seem more mature, knowledgeable and can support themselves better than guys my age can. 

How about someone in their 30's? 

Age is little indicator of anything, as you can see.  This guy is bottom of the barrel.  

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, valeriexo said:

Yes I’m currently on meds but I need to speak to my psychiatrist about changing them bc they’re honestly not doing anything for me. I see her in 2 weeks so I’ll be toughing it out until then 

Excellent. make sure you discuss your feelings, thoughts, symptoms and ask for ongoing therapy with a qualified therapist.

As you know, flights of ideas, rambling thoughts and poor judgement are all symptoms of bipolar disorder that can be addressed and treated.

No use beating yourself up this affair. Worry about your physical and mental health instead.

[Seraphim]

Please get your mental health treated properly. My father’s life was destroyed by never treating his bipolar properly and was a big factor in his death. 

[SherrySher]

What are your motivations for telling the wife? Because from where I am sitting, it honestly looks like some kind of revenge and to cause more pain for her and punish him.

That kind of toxic situation isn't going to help anyone, especially you.

[smackie9]

You are an outsider, and they tend to not believe the outsider even tho it's so obvious. It is not his first affair. He's a serial cheater and has been lying through his teeth for decades....you can tell, because he knows how to manipulate women very easily. This is nothing new to his wife. This will be on her to get with it and finally kick him to the curb.