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I'll put the TLDR at the top just to spare anyone who doesn't want to scroll through my ranting and raving (don't worry, I would too).

In short: I'm in love with my best friend and he has a girlfriend. They seem really happy. But I've had multiple dreams about us together, fantasised about futures, written letters of confession that I've been too nervous to ever send, the whole number. Multiple days where I swear to myself that today is the day, that I'm going to tell him, and I never do. He lives in Australia and I live in the US, so if we do eventually have a spark it'll be online anyway. I keep finding more hints that he feels the same. Worst of all, I'm falling. Hard. Do I tell him or try to wait until it passes?

In long: We've only really known each other since October, but we hit it off really fast. We would (and still do) chat online day and night, and in the first couple weeks he told me about this girl he liked because he didn't really know who else to talk to. I didn't think much of it, I told him I was happy for him and moved on. Now, when he came into my life I was at a really low point. I was nearing the end of a very toxic relationship that I'd finally get out of in early November, but when we met I was still blinded, I still thought I was in love with my soon-to-be ex. 

And then, in Mid-Nov, while me and him got closer all the time, I had a dream. I don't really believe dreams have prophetic meanings but I do think they can express your desires, and this one was VERY vivid. Like- to the point where I woke up, said good morning to him, and had to scroll up in our message history to see if what happened in the dream had actual happened or if it was just that, a dream. In the dream, he'd confessed he had feelings for me and I was surprised, but reciprocated. 

That's mostly how I felt then - just so surprised. I went through a period of denial, of course "I can't like him, why would I like him? He has a girlfriend. I just got out of a terrible relationship, and I'm desperate for something new. This'll blow over." Then it became rationalising, "He lives on the other side of the globe. Maybe you like him, but you'll never be able to have a future with him even if anything happens." To desperation. Making playlists, fantasising about what we could do, to crying over the whole situation, and to googling for advice and not being happy with any of it. It was too one-sided. There were the people saying just to go for it, and then there were the people saying to just not say anything and that you were a selfish a-hole if you said a word. 
I know it's early, and I know I sound naive. But I seriously think he might be the one. I've never clicked with somebody quite like I have him before, all of my relationships seemed deflated. I never showed the most energy from the start, it was rushing into it first, feelings later. And I've gotten hints that he feels the same way, too. 

Here's the thing, though. My brain needs to be told outright, a yes or a no, or it'll get so excited over the maybe that it just won't stop. On the other hand though, if I tell him and I do get a no, I'm afraid our friendship will just be awkward and I don't want things to change in that respect whatsoever. He's my best friend, after all. What do I do?

Edited by floppyfinn
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2 hours ago, floppyfinn said:

I'm in love with my best friend and he has a girlfriend. They seem really happy. But I've had multiple dreams about us together, fantasised about futures, written letters of confession that I've been too nervous to ever send, the whole number. Multiple days where I swear to myself that today is the day, that I'm going to tell him, and I never do.

- He is really your 'best friend'?  One you only began to talk to a few mos ago?

- You NEED to slow down with this 'fantasy' of yours!

YOU are fresh out of a relationship.. so vulnerable.. and now with this guy half way across the world is paying you some attention and you are grabbing at him?

- No, you do not send him anything - of your desires & dreams.. You can very well push 'your friend' away quickly with this.... IF you want him to remain your friend.. don't go there!

 

2 hours ago, floppyfinn said:

We've only really known each other since October, but we hit it off really fast

- Okay, yeah.  But, is supposed to be 'friendship.  Nothing more (can you handle it?)

 

2 hours ago, floppyfinn said:

, when he came into my life I was at a really low point. I was nearing the end of a very toxic relationship that I'd finally get out of in early November, but when we met I was still blinded, I still thought I was in love with my soon-to-be ex. 

- Yeah, you are far from being over this.  You need Much More Time- to accept & heal from something like this.

Your behaviour with your new 'friend' is like a rebound.

2 hours ago, floppyfinn said:

I know it's early, and I know I sound naive. But I seriously think he might be the one. I've never clicked with somebody quite like I have him before, all of my relationships seemed deflated. I never showed the most energy from the start, it was rushing into it first, feelings later. And I've gotten hints that he feels the same way, too. 

No, he is not 'the one'..... and I don't know what it is, that you are rushing into here? A friendship?

You see, you're losing yourself over some guy across the ocean, you've only known a few months.. AND he is involved!

I highly suggest, IF you can't get yourself together, YOU will be deeply hurt with ALL you are wanting and expecting here... and REALITY is what you will not get.

 

2 hours ago, floppyfinn said:

if I tell him and I do get a no, I'm afraid our friendship will just be awkward and I don't want things to change in that respect whatsoever. He's my best friend, after all.

Tell him... you want him as your bf?  Seriously?  No.

You're just risking ALL by acting like this.  Your friendship you have with him  - of which most likely will never be- since he is so far away AND he is involved with someone. Plus, you are freshly out of a toxic relationship, yourself..

So, up to you.. Is that what you want?

But, from how I see this...Maybe you should just back off from him and try to get yourself together... If you can't handle to fact he is not with YOU that way- only a friend, yet you're stuck in all this fantasy land... If you feel you cannot accept He has a gf, maybe you need some time away from this guy.

 

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Only known him for barely 3 months and he's a "best friend" ??

4 hours ago, floppyfinn said:

In short: I'm in love with my best friend and he has a girlfriend. They seem really happy. . Do I tell him or try to wait until it passes?

. What do I do?

First and foremost, you need to learn to respect other peoples' relationships.  He is taken.  Which means you have NO business there and should back off. 

NO, you don't tell him!  That's just selfish and self-absorbed.  You're hardly out of your own (toxic) relationship and already monkey-branching to the next (taken) guy. That's called rebounding.  It never works.  You really need to come up for air, get yourself together, in a mentally healthier place before launching into another relationship.  

It seems you are living in a major fantasy land, dreaming up cute little romantic stories and actually believing them.  Um ..... NO.

Some key words here:  Back Off, Find Your Own guy, Self respect.

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He’s got a girlfriend, he may as well not exist. Make a choice to not pursue someone who’s unavailable and when your mind wanders to the day dreams of what you wish could be, gently redirect it. 
 

If you ask me crushes are a real pain in the neck but they are useful for telling us what we really want. You really want a partner who ticks some boxes this guy must tick, take some time to be single and grieve and then venture out there, meet someone local, someone single!

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Well, another example of how COVID isolation makes people go out of their mind. OP, you are not in love with your best friend, you are in love with a fantasy, a dream of yours. You do not really know this person who lives in the other corner of the world. Please, do not mess up his relationship with his GF that is a person of flesh and blood, and mind you she has feelings too. I find it very selfish of you that just because you had a dream and you had a few text exchanges with au ausi guy, you entertain the thought of confessing your crush on him. He has a girlfriend already, so please go find your own man. 

Like others said, I think your crush a reaction from your recent break-up, loneliness and the COVID isolation that makes us all a bit crazy.

I would suggest you sever ties wit this guy, until the crush blows over.

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You are letting this fantasy get the better of you, OP. I think your recent break-up is magnifying your emotions and desire to attach yourself to someone. 

You have never this person (correct?) you claim to be your best friend. What you know is only a fraction of who he is, which is all that is possible when you've never spent any time together in person and you only met online 3 months ago. You're essentially conjuring up a relationship with him in your mind, but you have no solid basis in reality to support it. You have no idea what he's like in his daily life, if you'd have any chemistry at all, if you'd get along when you're around each other in person. 

Not only that, but he is not single. It would be pretty inappropriate for you to tell him about your feelings, especially considering you cannot actually do anything about them. 

Process your break-up. Take space from this online guy. Learn to manage your emotions and loneliness on your own first, then try meeting local guys. This dude is a fantasy. 

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16 hours ago, floppyfinn said:

I've never clicked with somebody quite like I have him before, all of my relationships seemed deflated. I never showed the most energy from the start, it was rushing into it first, feelings later. And I've gotten hints that he feels the same way, too. 

Your local relationships have been real with all the ups, downs, and plateaus any relationship goes through. You're giddy about this fantasy because all of those "real" issues that pop up in a daily local relationship are nonexistent. Either the hints are you grasping for straws, but if he was sending hints, doesn't that show a lack of integrity when he has a gf? Does his gf know he's spending day and night chatting with a woman who has a crush on him? (Yes, he knows unless he's clueless). If you actually met him and continued in a LDR, wouldn't you expect he'd also be chatting day and night with another woman because he lacks those boundaries? I'd venture to guess that along with a real live gf, he also likes to fill his free time with chatting with a fan. It's a good ego boost.

I believe you sought out a LDR as an escape to your upsetting reality. You weren't ready for what a real, local relationship entails. But basically you're self-sabotaging. LDRs have too numerous of cons to be worth it, and often fail because of all those cons. I only recommend them for people who temporarily have to move for a career or education and are already in an established relationship.

My advice? Stop wasting your time in cyber space la-la-land. Work on being happy solo, fulfilling your life for now without a man. Only then will you be ready to date wisely, making better choices for yourself, and stick to guys who live within a 45 minute of your place. I made that rule for myself when I did OLD, and it worked out great for me. Take care.

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You are right, he is filling a void since your breakup. You two are having an emotional affair....and this is all fantasy. You have never met this person irl....this is getting so out of hand. Before you plunge in and get your heart broken.  Think of these things first. How are you going to get there to meet him? One of you will have to relocate. Both countries are very difficult to get a visa to stay and work. Australia especially. They have an age limit I think it's 25, unless you have a high skill a company needs. Also, what if he turns out to be a dud? or he doesn't feel chemistry anymore? What if he rejects doing any of this? and you get caught up in an empty cyber sex relationship that has no future?

 

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If you've only known each other since October, then you don't know each other, let alone are "best friends". 

Internet versus real life is so massively different that to think you actually have something with this person when all it has been is online, is really deluding yourself.

Unless you spend a lot of time IN PERSON with him, you don't know who he really is, how you'd actually be together or if you'd even be compatible.

So it truly is a fantasy at this point and more than likely, all born out of loneliness on your end.

But the two main points:

1.) If he liked you, he would be dating you. He is not dating you nor has he asked.

2.) The person who told you you'd be incredibly selfish to drop this on him when he already has a girlfriend, was absolutely correct.

You feel somehow entitled to tell him all of these fantasies just because you feel them. That doesn't make it right, or okay or anything that will ever be real.

Also...he has a girlfriend....you dropping this on him is only going to hurt her...yes..HER, because this is a living, breathing human being who is actually in love with him. Who has spent time with him, who has been intimate with him, who knows him far better than you. And you somehow think it's fine to try to move in on her boyfriend? What gives you the right? How do you not care how this would affect her?

So selfish? It's an understatement. 

You've got feelings for him, so be it. It's not the right time, not the right situation and not up to you to go breaking people up or hurting them or confusing them.

If you can't control how you feel, then do them and yourself a favor and stop talking to him.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but one day you will find a guy and you will love him, only then will you understand how crappy it is for some random girl online to start hitting on your man.

Don't be that girl.

Edited by SherrySher
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