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How to reconcile the right way?


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I was in a relationship with my ex gf for about 18 months together. And with the attachment theories I was a secure/ leaning anxious and my ex was a avoidant dismissive. We worked together with issues with her attachment issue by like creating the environment for her to open up her feelings better so we can both operate in the right context and being in the same foot. There was one time during the first few months where she told that me that she doesn't have feelings for me anymore and around those times she got really busy with work and was traveling out to a different country for the summer break. I thought things were going to end but reassured her that if we met up a few times we can establish a better bond together since we weren't spending time together. Once when we did that everything was going awesome and our connection was strong. She was pretty open to her feelings and we were both reciprocating together in a positive way. Now a few months ago with COVID happening we couldn't really met up since the place where she works at is getting infections each day and my father being a at risk person. Also with school in the way I ended up getting to stressed out and wasn't talking as much and just went passive aggressive (a really bad thing I know). This lead to her becoming more closed again and then after winter quarter she wanted to break up with me due to how she lost feelings for me and she didn't want to invest in the relationship anymore since we weren't interacting as much. At first I was really apologetic during the whole break up saying how I was busy with school and being passive aggressive was not something healthy for the relationship she then told me that my kindness was hurting her heart. I then asked her for a two week break to see if her feelings would change in no contact and she agreed. Fast forward two weeks her feelings were the same and I was in disbelief knowing that if we met up or talk and having positive interaction then things would work out. She did say she wouldn't mind being friends but after 2-3 months when feelings die out and that she says she still likes me but just not enough to love me anymore and that she doesn't hate me.

Now I was in deep dumps right after since it was before new years and I couldn't really do much. But we haven't talked since the break up which was about 5 weeks ago. I feel way better than I was from before and I can acknowledge that I still have feelings for her but I'm not sure how to tell her or ask for another go. I feel that I know the situation that lead to break up from my perspective when I was acting passive aggressive and not being reciprocated to what she was doing. I started going on youtube and notice those 30 day no contact rule but I feel that wouldn't it be best to just talk to her how I feel still or would that drive her away even more? Since knowing a dismissive avoidant they have a huge barrier wall and giving to much emotions could drive them away, So should I just have like a short chit chat and just slowly going back and recreating a deeper emotional bond then telling her what I feel?, Many thanks for the advice!

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Sorry to hear this is happening. Don't keep blaming yourself.

At several intervals she was flaky and kept stating she "doesn't have feelings". Unfortunately she's too indifferent, unstable and indecisive to have a satisfying relationship with.

Don't make the mistake of hanging out in the friendzone (she offered) hoping it turns to more.

 It may be better to free yourself of an overly complicated analysis-paralysis relationship so you can talk to and date more compatible women.

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Dont be with people so unreliable and inconsistent with their behavior. I think if you honestly assess your situation here you will know that you deserve better.

Take some time off from everything and just think about what you want from a relationship and what values you want from the person. Time will heal things don't go back to her, just let her go.

 

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  • 1 month later...

Well update guys.

It's been about 3 months since the breakup. I kept up with no contact and my stupid self thought in 3 months it would have work things out. (cuz of her friend idea) I felt like I healed enough with feelings so I ended up messaging her. She was really dry messaging once a day for like 3 days and then told me that "sorry I don't want to text to you anymore". I mean that *** hurts but like it wasn't as bad from the get go from the initial break up. But what that all tells me is that she moved on and I should go as well since there's nothing to look back from here. As there's no chance in reconciliation. Thanks for reading

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She did you a favor don't you think?  She was straight and up front with you and yes it stings but way better than a months long bread crumb filled existence.

  You will be okay now that you can accept that it is truly over.

Be good to yourself, stay close to friends and family and let them help you stay busy. 

I am sorry I know this hurts.

Lost

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In a way she did. It's just surprising honestly how someone in your life you talk to everyday nonstop can just suddenly not want to associate with you. Yeah definitely, it's been three months I have a routine... sort of lol

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Give it up.  She has already told you that her feelings were the same when there was a two week break.  Her feelings hadn't changed.  She told you that she wouldn't mind just remaining friends.  She likes you but doesn't love you anymore.  As much as those words sting, you need to respect and accept her stance.

I'm sorry you are saddened by her rejection. 

Don't bother her.  It's over.  She has already made it clear to you that she has since moved on.  Don't hound nor pester.  Don't be that person.  Be honorable and let her go because it is her request. Don't be pathetic by groveling.

However, I will give you advice regarding how not to apologize in general regardless of who it is you're apologizing to.  I've heard people "apologize" to me like this:  "I'm sorry you feel this way, you took it the wrong way and it was not my intention to hurt you."  There is nothing more insulting, offensive and infuriating than to hear a so-called "apology" like that. 

Sincere apologies are humble to the core with admittance.  The worst apologies lack admittance and wrong doing.  The worst apologies are in denial mode and just blowing hot air.  I've heard some people apologize to me like this:  "I'm sorry, it was not my intent to make you feel uncomfortable and if you felt uncomfortable, I'm sorry and I apologize."  Again, that type of "apology" is infuriating and extremely disrespectful. 

 

 

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ohhhh were you referring to apologizing at the time of the break up? I wasn't as clear as I was during when I first posted it. But I did apologize fully I admitted I was wrong in my certain areas by being passive aggressive and how that treated her and what I would do to make things right since I know it's wrong to do.  Also yes you are correct she doesn't love me anymore as much as it hurts to say. But at this point yes I have given up and moving on from this as much as I don't want to. But with her saying remaining friends I don't think that's the case now as she doesn't want to text to me anymore.

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1 minute ago, Fragments said:

ohhhh were you referring to apologizing at the time of the break up? I wasn't as clear as I was during when I first posted it. But I did apologize fully I admitted I was wrong in my certain areas by being passive aggressive and how that treated her and what I would do to make things right since I know it's wrong to do.  Also yes you are correct she doesn't love me anymore as much as it hurts to say. But at this point yes I have given up and moving on from this as much as I don't want to. But with her saying remaining friends I don't think that's the case now as she doesn't want to text to me anymore.

Take the hint, get her message.  She's done.  She's moving on as should you.  Stop obsessing over her.  She's not consumed over you so you should do the same by bravely and courageously soldiering on.  Man up and keep marching forward. 

This is life and it's full of rejections along the way until you're lucky to have found "thee one."  Until then, honor her and people's wishes.  If they let you know that you shouldn't bother them anymore, then don't bother. 

She wants to remain friends with you and if it's too awkward or you don't accept what she's willing to offer which is strictly friendship, then go your separate ways peacefully. 

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Yeah I got the hint and message now. I don't think she want to remain friends with me anymore. Since I did message her a few days ago (it's been 3 months since I last messaged her) just to ask how she's doing in life and school. She was dry and took a day to respond to each one so it was pretty clear to me she was just disinterest to talking to me. Earlier today like I said previously in the post that she doesn't want to text to me anymore. So it's pretty cut and dry that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore and I respect her wishes.

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You are doing fine so don't worry about reaching out to her that one last time.  It was a blessing to pull that bandage off all at once and hear her say the words or in this case text the words.  You waited 3 months and gave it a shot and now you know for sure.

Stick to your routine and try and not have to many regrets.  Learn and grow from the mistakes you made so when you are ready to date again you will be that much better at it.

  It is okay to mourn the loss but just don't dwell on what you cannot undo.

Lost

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7 hours ago, Fragments said:

 I ended up messaging her. She was really dry messaging once a day for like 3 days and then told me that "sorry I don't want to text to you anymore". 

Sorry this is happening. As much as it stung, it seems like you have your closure.

That's a good thing. It lets you close this chapter and move forward with peace and confidence.

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On 3/21/2021 at 9:25 PM, Fragments said:

Yeah I got the hint and message now. I don't think she want to remain friends with me anymore. Since I did message her a few days ago (it's been 3 months since I last messaged her) just to ask how she's doing in life and school. She was dry and took a day to respond to each one so it was pretty clear to me she was just disinterest to talking to me. Earlier today like I said previously in the post that she doesn't want to text to me anymore. So it's pretty cut and dry that she doesn't want to be friends with me anymore and I respect her wishes.

It's good that you got the hint and her message.  You've sensed and perceived that she's not even interested in friendship with you so there is your answer.  You're correct, she has since lost interest and moved on with her life as should you.  She also doesn't want to text your anymore.  You are mature for respecting her wishes by giving her what she wants which is to be left alone.  Don't bother. 

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