Jump to content

Should I text him this after our fight? (I would also appreciate a man's view)


Recommended Posts

Hello everybody, I feel torn because I don't know which is the best solution in this case

I have been talking to a guy for 3 months. Only saw each other 2 times. The rest of the interaction was on fb, whatsapp. But our communication was always rocky, we had many disagreements and he would always pull away for about 1 or 2 weeks and then come back. At that time, it did not affect me because it was too early. Fast forward to the New Year, we kind of started fresh and saw each other. But after a week we had a fight because of an immature mistake I made. I apologized twice, but he told me he cannot see me at the moment because the bad feeling after the fight is still felt by him. Just as a background, he is a very harsh guy and the way he says things is very penetrating and hurtful. He told me that he was not interested anymore in getting to know me after this fight, but he did say something similar also in the past and then he would come back. Because unfortunately, there is a strong pull between us, although we have not even kissed.

We talked a little last week and he told me that he feels scared of me because I am like a vulcano and I am prideful. But in person we never fought, so he is saying this only based on the text fights. And I never insulted him, just was mad. But he also was, so I find that he accuses me of something he also does.

My dilemma now, and the reason I am writing is that...I don't know what to do now. I want clarity, so that I know not to wait anymore for him to call to meet up (because we had talked about meeting up but then the fight happened so he changed his mind). It has been 3 weeks since the fight and he still is distant. I have found myself crying these last weekends, because I was hoping he would call or write to meet. I guess I am feeling guilty because of the mistake, and that it is like I feel punished with his indifference. 

I would like to write to him that I feel sad and lost hope that he wants to continue with me and that people have flaws, but couples deal with issues all the time and they get through them and if you remove someone from your life at the first flaw, then you would be forever single. I guess I just wanted to convey to him that in love there needs to be desire for resolving and cooperation and not severe harshness. I feel rejected and unwanted for something that was not so severe.

I also thought about waiting for him to write me, to give him space. But who knows when he will do that. And I feel I will wait another weekend with the 5% hope that he will want to talk to me and then it never happens. In a way, I would like to let him know that it hurts for me, but in another way, I don't know if he will care or if he will think of me as uninteresting because I am so invested in him. I just feel he will feel satisfaction and not give me an answer like yes or no, just to keep me suffering. Maybe I am imagining things, but this is how I felt with him, like he was always punishing me.

Can you please share your view on this? If I message him my feelings of hurt and wanting an answer, do you think he will think less of me? I just want to be honest about myself, but sometimes I know that you can ruin something by making the move and not letting the other person come back when he feels so. I guess I am afraid that if I message him, he will feel repelled and not respect me. But I just hate playing the waiting game...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 52
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

So here is what I see as the reason.  It's much easier for you to hang on to someone who is unavailable to you for several reasons -first because he's not available to date in person, second because t

Girl, no. You have only me twice, you fight a lot, he says hurtful things to you, have never so much as kissed - what are you thinking even bothering to talk to him again? This is not normal

You're not a couple and are not "in love".  So citing those things doesn't make sense and is jumping the gun quite a bit. I would not send him that message.  It is way to OTT. After all the

Unfortunately he seems abusive. It would be best to delete and block him from all your social media and messaging apps. Don't wait to do it. This way you are free to talk to and meet decent men who respect you.

Expand your social circle to include friends, family, coworkers, classmates, neighbors, clubs, groups, volunteering, etc. Don't get so isolated and lonely that you tolerate treatment like this.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
15 minutes ago, Metarose said:

but this is how I felt with him, like he was always punishing me.

 

Talking to someone for 3 months and only having met twice and there is this much drama and misunderstandings?  Wouldn't you say this is a really bad sign?  I know I would.  Most would, for that matter.

How about you make a decision in your own best interest rather than giving all your power away to someone who is either never coming back, or enjoys conditioning you by ignoring you.

Relationships, friendships are intended to add value and joy to your life.  I don't see that happening here.

Edited by reinventmyself
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Girl, no.

You have only me twice, you fight a lot, he says hurtful things to you, have never so much as kissed - what are you thinking even bothering to talk to him again?

This is not normal for two people who barley know each other. You need to detach and forget this dude. This isn’t what dating looks like, and you’re way overly-invested. 

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're not a couple and are not "in love".  So citing those things doesn't make sense and is jumping the gun quite a bit.

I would not send him that message.  It is way to OTT.

After all the conflict and drama I would let this one pass.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
7 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Girl, no.

You have only me twice, you fight a lot, he says hurtful things to you, have never so much as kissed - what are you thinking even bothering to talk to him again?

This is not normal for two people who barley know each other. You need to detach and forget this dude. This isn’t what dating looks like, and you’re way overly-invested. 

^ THIS is worth repeating.  What is truly hard to comprehend is WHY you remain and put up with all this abusive crap.  What exactly do you get out of it? Serious question.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I cannot fathom why you have anything to do with this creep!  What do you get out of abusive behavior?  Do you usually get involved with people like this?

Block and delete!

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, Metarose said:

sometimes I know that you can ruin something by making the move and not letting the other person come back when he feels so. I guess I am afraid that if I message him, he will feel repelled and not respect me

Sorry for your hurt, but he is an awful person 😞 

You do NOT need to write to him 'about your feelings'.  He has already proven his dis respect!  he is so lacking in that department.

For someone to repeatedly pull away for weeks at a time- then kinda come around again?  Is pathetic ... not at all a nice way to treat someone who means something to you.

Leave him be now.. expect no more.  Want no more of this awful- trauma bonding- is what this is.

His behaviour has affected you in a negative...

Does this sound correct? > Trauma bonding is a psychological response to abuse. It occurs when the abused person forms an unhealthy bond with the person who abuses them.

The person experiencing abuse may develop sympathy for the abusive person, which becomes reinforced by cycles of abuse, followed by remorse.

Don't take this anymore!  Get away from it all - for your own well-being.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
59 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

For someone to repeatedly pull away for weeks at a time- then kinda come around again?  Is pathetic ... not at all a nice way to treat someone who means something to you.

That's just it, though - OP doesn't mean something to this guy. 

It doesn't give him license to be an ass, of course. But she talks about this as though they're a couple, when they're not dating. And that's part of her problem. She's got herself thinking that this is a relationship and that is very clearly not the case. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Believe me, I have asked myself the same questions, like why can't I let him go. He is the first guy to ever behave like this in my life. In the past, I have dealt only with normal people, that at least told me yes or no and moved on. 

I know I sound talking about it as if we are couple, I know we are not. Sorry, english is not my first language so I don't know how to explain. He was very transparent from the beginning and shared his views on love and relationships and it was like he was talking to a friend, so I guess that is why I also used these words, because the subject was much debated in our conversations. Strange I know, this is why I got defensive towards him from our very first conversation. Because even if I liked his bluntness, I felt it was not the time to discuss such romantic topics as if we knew each other for so long. It was too much for my taste. 

Trust me, I wish I knew what is happening, I blocked him in the past, but unblocked him to send him a file but then I could not unblock him for 48 hrs (fb rule), so we ended up talking again, so that is why. 

I know I also had my share of the blame, because I also participated in the fights, instead of remaining calm and ignoring him. Instead of expressing that I don't like his style of communication, I just continued to prove that I am right. I know that this may not be an excuse, but it is what it is. There have been guys to whom I have talked for a year, seen each other few times, one of them I remember was also a little conflictual, but not this much. But I was not affected like this time. Sometimes chemistry between 2 people makes you want to have closure too much. Because the chemistry here is strong. It is the only reason I can find.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Metarose said:

. In the past, I have dealt only with normal people, 

This is the key. What happened that sucked you into this abusive mess?

Something happened that you somehow were vulnerable enough to allow an evil entity like this to enter your life.

This is not about him. This is about getting hooked into a bad situation and why.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This is the key. What happened that sucked you into this abusive mess?

Something happened that you somehow were vulnerable enough to allow an evil entity like this to enter your life.

This is not about him. This is about getting hooked into a bad situation and why.

Yes, I think I know why. I have been single for 3-4 years before meeting him. He was not my type when he approached me, but I started to feel attracted after, even if at first I wasn't. And he is witty and smart. And he always came back. So, all these circumstances combined, made me become attached. Because I rarely feel attracted to a lot of people, and now that I felt attracted to him, who was not even my type, and being the first man to interact with after a long period of singleness, I guess it made me feel like this. Also he is older than me, so I guess this also contributed. 

And, the thing that sparked this reaction in me was that, we started to better communicate on new years eve. And he called me, he came to me and gave me a piece of cake. It had become more tranquil between us. And he seemed to start pursuing me, because he told me later that if he was not interested, he would have not had made all these things. So because I have felt guilty of ruining the peace that was finally between us and the fact that he started to pursue me, in my head it is "you blew it". My mistake was that I scolded him about some comments he exchanged with a girl on one of his FB posts, where they seemed to be flirting somehow. And I assumed that he is talking to her romantically. So I went off on him, showing the screenshots etc. And he said it is not true, but I continued arguing because I thought he was lying, because what man would admit to this. So yeah... and I apologized to him after, I mean, I made a mistake, but if this is his reaction to this mistake, which is not the worst out there, then he is the kind of guy to not accept any flaws in people. This is how I feel. And of course I cannot be perfect

 

Edited by Metarose
Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, Metarose said:

My mistake was that I scolded him about some comments he exchanged with a girl on one of his FB posts, where they seemed to be flirting somehow. And I assumed that he is talking to her romantically. So I went off on him, showing the screenshots etc.

He is allowed to talk to other girls, OP. He isn't dating you, so you were out of line there. Taking screenshots and essentially coming at him like you're his girlfriend demanding an explanation was way too much. 

I understand it stings to see, but he doesn't owe you loyalty. You're not his girlfriend; you're both free to date others. If you see a guy flirting with other women, you can assume he's not that interested in you. That's where you should have just dropped him. 

But look, if you two haven't even kissed and have only seen each other in person twice - does that really sound like dating to you? He doesn't seem that into you, girl. 

 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, Metarose said:

, he came to me and gave me a piece of cake. 

Talking to a therapist about your loneliness would be a better idea than accepting stale crumbs from a creep like this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He is allowed to talk to other girls, OP. He isn't dating you, so you were out of line there. Taking screenshots and essentially coming at him like you're his girlfriend demanding an explanation was way too much. 

I understand it stings to see, but he doesn't owe you loyalty. You're not his girlfriend; you're both free to date others. If you see a guy flirting with other women, you can assume he's not that interested in you. That's where you should have just dropped him. 

But look, if you two haven't even kissed and have only seen each other in person twice - does that really sound like dating to you? He doesn't seem that into you, girl. 

 

Yes, that is why I am having this guilt feelings, because I KNOW this was not ok, and I have never done that with anyone (but that is because no other man I have dated was the flirty type and popular on social media), but I just reacted. And the way he talked to me in the past, he said he is looking for someone to go on a long road, so those discussions about love and ideal relationship etc made it seem like we were connected and that he was serious about me. Hence why my reaction with the screenshots. Because if he were more light and not talk to me so much about those things, I would have not be affected. But he gave me the impression that he wants to build something with me. At one point he told me that it would take one look from the right person (referring to me) to make him lose his power and that it wouldn't be good for him. So all those allusions about me he made, that is why all these emotions appeared now in me. Because if someone talks to you and makes remarks that he wants to change things between you, that he wants to build etc, it just creates a different energy

Link to post
Share on other sites

So now, because I know I went overboard with that reaction, I don't know if it is something for which you let a person hanging and give them the silent treatment, instead of just telling them that you do not want to continue. I would have preferred he would just tell me straight up that we should move on with our lives. But he only said things that were not clear, as if his message was, indirectly, "I don't know what to think now, but anyway, you stay there until I decide you are worthy of my time again". This is the feeling I am getting

Link to post
Share on other sites
Just now, Metarose said:

. This is the feeling I am getting

This has nothing to do with him. You're having entire 2 way conversations in your head, the same way you're having this grand dramatic romance in your head.

In reality, he's just an aquaintence who's a jerk.

This has to do with loneliness, frustration, wanting something that isn't there and refusing to pursue what's real and decent and available and mutually respectful.

These are all inner demons that only you can fix 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This guy is not serious about building anything with you if you've only met two times and have never even shared a kiss. 

He might be looking for a relationship in general, but it's not with you. 

He sounds like a jerk anyway. Where are your standards? 

Edited by MissCanuck
Link to post
Share on other sites
14 hours ago, Metarose said:

He told me that he was not interested anymore in getting to know me after this fight, 

We talked a little last week and he told me that he feels scared of me because I am like a vulcano and I am prideful.

Focus on your words above.  He's not interested in you.  Learn to accept this and let it go already.  Other than being like a "volcano", writing to him just makes you look desperate and pathetic. Move on. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
25 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Focus on your words above.  He's not interested in you.  Learn to accept this and let it go already.  Other than being like a "volcano", writing to him just makes you look desperate and pathetic. Move on. 

Yes, I know. In the past he also told me this, not with these words, but like "maybe it was not the right time". Etc. And he always came back. And last week he told me that he still has this bad feeling so he wouldn't rush to see me. 

When someone does the same pattern of saying they don't want it but then they come back again wanting it, it is like you believe they were just lying to themselves to look uninterested. That is why I seem now to lack standards. Maybe bwcause I have now this thought that if I don't reach out, then I will ruin it again because he will think this or that. But then again, as you said, I think I would also look pathetic. It is just it feels bad when it is like you are playing a game of pretending to be ok. But I guess it is not always good to express everything you feel.

@Capricorn , he is also a Capricorn, . So if you say that I should not reach out because I will look desperate, then it means he would think the same? (not generalizing, just noticed the same zodiac sign and that is why I am saying this, trying to understand). 

Sorry, I guess everything I am feeling now boils down to one thing: that I feel I ruined a chance to see how things could have been between us when there was peace and when he finally started pursuing me like I wanted from the beginning. Like I feel I have not been mature with the reaction regarding those comments with the girl. And I cannot turn back time. And I guess I wanted to convince him that everybody has their moments and that you should not be so harsh with someone, unless you want them out of your life. Because, let's say he won't say anything and then in March on Women's day, he will contact to wish me a beautiful day etc etc. I just know my resentment toward him will appear, I guess I don't like when things are not discussed properly. I can't pretend I am ok with sweeping under the rug my hurt feelings. Wish I was more detached in general

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Define “he came back.”

I don’t see how this possible when you’ve only met twice. 

Or do you he just started messaging you again? Remember that texting is not dating. 

Came back meaning he texted me again, talking again about our differences and how he views things. He always said that he felt the need to take a step back when things got argumentative in order to recover. But it was just over text an argument, like why would someone need so much time to "recover"? It was not shouting or anything. I have never encountered someone who needs almost a month to stay away to think and evaluate and then come back. 

He is a very intense person so that is why, even if we only saw each other 2 times, the bond is something I can't explain. It is like we have known each other before. I don't know if you experienced before such a thing. He felt very connected to me the first moment he saw.me. maybe it is some past life stuff, karmic or whatever. 

But what he said to me in our conversations, he would tell me to be patient, to trust him, to let him be in his own rhythm when interacting with me etc. And I am the type of person who does not like to have "what ifs" in life, because they hurt the most. I am just beating myself up here because of the mistake I made when things seemed that were starting to come together between us. It is not something I wish anyone should experience, like thinking that you are at fault for ruining a chance. Even if we would have lasted for a month let's say, at least I would have seen how it was to date him when there was peace. 

I know I sound pathetic but honestly, when there are emotions involved, I have seen people seem pathetic from the outside. Even some of my girl friends seemed that way when they would tell me some stuff they were going through with men. But when you are in that situation, it feels different. I really appreciate that you are being patient with me. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...