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The guy I'm dating won't talk after I messed up. What do I do?


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Hi everyone. Just wondering if I could get some advice please, as this website seems helpful. 

I've (34, M, UK) had three short relationships. Usually I can't get past a third date before the guy ghosts me. Friends have told me I'm "too nice" and that I try to see the best in people, so that's why I get led on and used so much. 

In August-September I dated a guy after having 2.5 years off from dating. He was romantic and actions backed up words. He invited himself to stay at my flat on the third date which I thought was presumptuous, but let it slide. One thing led to another and the next evening he texted me "After we were done with bedroom stuff, I just felt meh about it." which is probably the most insulting thing I've been told so far. I considered giving up again but decided not to let him beat me. 

I matched with a guy (Paolo, 32, M) on Tinder at the end of November, from South America but living 1.5 hours away from me by train. Tons in common - looking for monogamy, both been treated badly, masculine, goes to the gym, passionate about music and loves heavy metal gigs, and he's very into video games. We hit it off and texted regularly, before I travelled to meet him in early December. As he'd been working we only had three hours together, but I ended up getting the last train home because we got on so well, giving us an extra hour. We made a couple of plans to meet over Xmas but a storm cancelled trains the first time, then he tested positive for covid. 

All this time we've been texting regularly through the day and video calling 2-3 times a week and talking for 2-3 hours, setting it up like a date. 

He usually initiated texting in mornings and evenings and I initiated all but one call. We played online on the PS4 together. He was very forthcoming with compliments and told me a few times he wasn't interested in dating anyone else, and that he wanted a boyfriend in my city. 

But he overthinks a lot, like when I said in my experience guys always hope the grass is greener elsewhere. I found out two days later that he took that as me giving him a veiled warning that I'm doing that. 

As I live alone I can form a "support bubble" during lockdown, so two weekends ago he came to stay with me and it was really good. The lines are a bit blurred when it comes to how many dates we've had - yes we've only had two in person now, but due to covid we've taken advantage of other options. 

When he got home he told me he felt depressed, which started ringing alarm bells for me. I said it's because he misses me, but didn't get a reply and a few hours later he just texted me "Goodnight hottie x". 

I started feeling like he was going to pull away as usually happens. He still texted me the next two days but I felt it was a bit less and then 13 days ago I replied to him that I felt disappointed because I knew it was unlikely we'll see each other again. He asked was he not good enough, so I clarified that he was, but I feel he's pulling away. He took it badly and said I probably found someone "better". I said we need to talk about this properly and he agreed. I tried calling but he didn't pick up or return it. I texted the next morning saying I hope he's OK and slept well, and he replied he hoped I was too. 

9 days ago I checked in on how he's doing and he replied "Sorry I didn’t message you before I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me last time". I apologised and said I was just overthinking and let my dating anxiety get the best of me. He asked what I meant, so I tried calling and he texted "one sec, sister on the phone". 

Didn't get anything until 8 days ago when he texted "Hey Mike... I’m sorry I couldn’t call you I guess I just don’t feel in the mood to talk to many people at the moment. I think after what you told me I felt like there was something wrong with me on Saturday that you didn’t like and you were using an quick exit excuse or something like that... I just didn’t know where that came from since I was messaging you as normal cause I liked our second date but well. I was overthinking a lot about what I did wrong and all that so I haven’t been feel ok about myself lately plus my everyday life concerns. This is just to explain how I feel as I don’t know what your thinking at the moment or feeling..." 

I replied "You did nothing wrong, I wouldn't have changed anything about Saturday. I was just overthinking - I wasn't trying to end it. If you don't know how I'm feeling, the only way to fix that is a call. I'm not going to explain over text because that leads to misunderstandings." 

He didn't reply, so 7 days ago I sent "Right, I'm just going to put this out there... do you see us going anywhere? Because I do. I like you. I think we have something really good and want to see where we go." 

He replied 6 days ago "I do but I think about last week I freaked out a little bit and put me off in a way, specially this time of lockdown that makes me get more crazy than I am", to which I replied "So you left me hanging for a week, not telling me anything... I don't really understand how you can put yourself off dating me? You do know that if you'd spoken to me, you could have avoided freaking out so much and thinking you'd done something wrong when you stayed over? 

I would be interested in seeing where it goes because we do have lots in common, but would I be wasting my time?". 

He replied "I didn’t left you hanging for a week, you were the one who told me that you were disappointed because I “wasn’t messaging you the same and I was distant” I thought that was a quick way to get me out if the picture like many people have done with me in the past. also like if that wasn’t enough we are now trapped in a never ending lockdown... " 

I replied "I just mean that I did try to talk to you. I had no idea what was going on in your head, but now I know what you were thinking, I know that talking would have avoided you thinking that way. I did apologise and say I was overthinking. I wasn't trying to get you out of the picture." 

No reply. The next day, 5 days ago, as I hadn't had the chance to explain in a call, I sent this to try and get my side across: "Hey Paolo. I just want to say I'm so sorry that what I said last week made you feel so bad. I messed up. 

I took your text about feeling depressed as being like when that guy texted me that sex with me made him feel "meh". I overthought, convinced myself you were going to dump me, and I tried to preempt it. As you've said, we've both had that from loads of guys in the past. I've regretted what I said ever since - it's a horrible, sick feeling. 

Our time together that weekend was amazing and I wouldn't have changed a thing about it. It meant a lot to me that you made that trip to see me. Meeting you was also a high point in an otherwise s***ty year. 

Te he extrañado. I really hope you're doing OK x". 

Not heard from him since. He's not removed me from Facebook, Tinder or his 'close friends' list on the PS4, and his online status still shows on WhatsApp, the main way we communicate. 

I've gone no contact since as I know doing otherwise would push him away. It's 13 days since it fell apart and I'm still crying each day. I genuinely like this guy a lot and I'm more cut up about this than previous ones. 

My idea was that I'll drop him a message saying I've started playing his favourite video game and make a comment about it (I've had it downloaded for a while) - something that's not about the bad situation, but relates back to something that attracted us to each other in the first place. My question is, how long do you suggest I leave it? I don't want too much time to pass in case he stops missing me and moves on. I was thinking about this coming weekend as I'm off work next week, which gives me time to mope if it goes badly haha. But that might be too soon. 

Also, do you think reconciliation sounds possible? You obviously don't know him, but what does it sound like he's thinking and feeling to you? I would really like to keep seeing him. 

Thank you so much in advance. 

 

 

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This guy sounds like a total headcase, OP. 

Your friends are right - you're too nice and don't seem to really recognize warning signs when you see them. Forget this guy and try to work on your confidence more before venturing back into dating. Your lack thereof is leading you to pander to a man who is nothing special and has already opted out. 

It seems you might be getting over-invested too early, and getting your hopes up too high before you really know these guys. Take your time, slow down. Don't assume you really know someone or where it might lead when it's only been a few dates. That's too early to know if you genuinely click and if their actions support their words. Talk of being treated badly by exes, depression, over-thinking...that shouldn't even really factor into the conversation in these early stages. When it does, it's generally a red flag. 

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This has taught you a lot about yourself. I think that 'meh' comment was extraordinarily hurtful! But.. you have to find some way to take that and turn it into something positive, bring it out into the light and don't let it hurt you anymore. The way to do that is to think about it, accept that it happened and learn to laugh about it.  I know this might sound trite and silly but it's worth it if you can bring some lightness to that experience too. That was one person's issues put on you, very thoughtlessly. Now you know that you don't have to take it to future relationships. 

If Paolo doesn't know how to be in a long distance (train ride) rl away then so be it. There will be other men who do. Until then don't keep beating yourself up for the inconsistencies or choices that other people make. It is not all a reflection on you and also a bit of a reflection on themselves. 

You are looking for a romantic relationship that appears more down to earth and committed. You know that there are millions of people who think they can offer that and really aren't able to for any number of reasons, right? You can call it false advertising or just a lack of self-awareness. Sometimes it's through a lot of hardship and they actually do not know this about themselves. 

I don't think you should blame yourself for this anymore than you already have. Take the lessons, leave the pain. Travel light and be cautious. That's all you can do. If there are setbacks and people decide to halt or exit, so be it. Don't force it. Don't beg. Don't keep checking up on him and don't keep trying to keep someone who isn't making an effort to be with you. Keep venting if it helps or writing here.

 

Edited by Rose Mosse
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There is no tell what he is thinking. Depressed people usually isolate themselves from life/people. So for now, he's gonna sit a home curled up in a ball until he starts to feel better I guess. I would not invest in this anymore, put him on the back burner, and find something else to do with your time.

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3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

This guy sounds like a total headcase, OP. 

Your friends are right - you're too nice and don't seem to really recognize warning signs when you see them. Forget this guy and try to work on your confidence more before venturing back into dating. Your lack thereof is leading you to pander to a man who is nothing special and has already opted out. 

It seems you might be getting over-invested too early, and getting your hopes up too high before you really know these guys. Take your time, slow down. Don't assume you really know someone or where it might lead when it's only been a few dates. That's too early to know if you genuinely click and if their actions support their words. Talk of being treated badly by exes, depression, over-thinking...that shouldn't even really factor into the conversation in these early stages. When it does, it's generally a red flag. 

Thank you for the feedback. At first when dating someone, I tend to be a bit aloof and reserved... But then I get pulled in by their act, which I know is my problem. The same happened here. 

 

2 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

This has taught you a lot about yourself. I think that 'meh' comment was extraordinarily hurtful! But.. you have to find some way to take that and turn it into something positive, bring it out into the light and don't let it hurt you anymore. The way to do that is to think about it, accept that it happened and learn to laugh about it.  I know this might sound trite and silly but it's worth it if you can bring some lightness to that experience too. That was one person's issues put on you, very thoughtlessly. Now you know that you don't have to take it to future relationships. 

If Paolo doesn't know how to be in a long distance (train ride) rl away then so be it. There will be other men who do. Until then don't keep beating yourself up for the inconsistencies or choices that other people make. It is not all a reflection on you and also a bit of a reflection on themselves. 

You are looking for a romantic relationship that appears more down to earth and committed. You know that there are millions of people who think they can offer that and really aren't able to for any number of reasons, right? You can call it false advertising or just a lack of self-awareness. Sometimes it's through a lot of hardship and they actually do not know this about themselves. 

I don't think you should blame yourself for this anymore than you already have. Take the lessons, leave the pain. Travel light and be cautious. That's all you can do. If there are setbacks and people decide to halt or exit, so be it. Don't force it. Don't beg. Don't keep checking up on him and don't keep trying to keep someone who isn't making an effort to be with you. Keep venting if it helps or writing here.

 

Thanks for your advice too! 

Yeah, that "meh" comment... The only intention behind it can possibly be cruelty. Why else would anyone say something like that? 

You make some really good points about why people might think they're after something serious, but maybe don't even realise they're not prepared for it. 

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

There is no tell what he is thinking. Depressed people usually isolate themselves from life/people. So for now, he's gonna sit a home curled up in a ball until he starts to feel better I guess. I would not invest in this anymore, put him on the back burner, and find something else to do with your time.

Thanks for your advice too. 

I'm not sure he's actually depressed, he just said he felt like that that night. But maybe there's some truth to what you say, and he'll probably realise his mistake and what he's lost at some point. 

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9 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

It seems you might be getting over-invested too early, and getting your hopes up too high before you really know these guys. Take your time, slow down. Don't assume you really know someone or where it might lead when it's only been a few dates. That's too early to know if you genuinely click and if their actions support their words. Talk of being treated badly by exes, depression, over-thinking...that shouldn't even really factor into the conversation in these early stages. When it does, it's generally a red flag. 

^ I got the same impression too.  The feeling of too much, too soon, too rushed.  Too impatient and expecting too much (again, too soon).  Slow down and take your time.  Your "too nice" may come across as too pushy and maybe overwhelming. 

When you can't get past a third date you need to start looking within.  You seem to be the common denominator here.

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Thanks for the replies. A harsh dose of reality is definitely what I need. 

To be fair, he was pretty intense from the start though. Regular compliments, looking for reassurance that I was interested (because I hold back at first), getting paranoid and reading far too much into some things I said and thinking I was making hints that I was looking elsewhere etc. 

He also asked me on a couple of occasions if everything was OK because "something has changed" and I was quiet. So it wasn't just me - but I just told him he was being stupid and overthinking, I didn't disappear for a week. 

Edited by MikeUK86
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I think it sounds like you both just weren't on the same page or were a bit nervous around each other. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Don't hold onto it. Always remember that if someone isn't putting in the same effort or isn't as interested, you do not need to overextend yourself or try to convince them. Don't waste your time over people who don't see your worth or are dealing with other issues that are out of your hands.  

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Sounds like the guy just pasted words from some 'turning it back on you...' templates.

Don't work so hard to pursue anyone who won't take your phone call.

Head high, be resilient about moving forward, but pretzel yourself for NOone.

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On 1/26/2021 at 5:30 AM, MikeUK said:

Hi everyone. Just wondering if I could get some advice please, as this website seems helpful. 

I've (34, M, UK) had three short relationships. Usually I can't get past a third date before the guy ghosts me. Friends have told me I'm "too nice" and that I try to see the best in people, so that's why I get led on and used so much. 

In August-September I dated a guy after having 2.5 years off from dating. He was romantic and actions backed up words. He invited himself to stay at my flat on the third date which I thought was presumptuous, but let it slide. One thing led to another and the next evening he texted me "After we were done with bedroom stuff, I just felt meh about it." which is probably the most insulting thing I've been told so far. I considered giving up again but decided not to let him beat me. 

I matched with a guy (Paolo, 32, M) on Tinder at the end of November, from South America but living 1.5 hours away from me by train. Tons in common - looking for monogamy, both been treated badly, masculine, goes to the gym, passionate about music and loves heavy metal gigs, and he's very into video games. We hit it off and texted regularly, before I travelled to meet him in early December. As he'd been working we only had three hours together, but I ended up getting the last train home because we got on so well, giving us an extra hour. We made a couple of plans to meet over Xmas but a storm cancelled trains the first time, then he tested positive for covid. 

All this time we've been texting regularly through the day and video calling 2-3 times a week and talking for 2-3 hours, setting it up like a date. 

He usually initiated texting in mornings and evenings and I initiated all but one call. We played online on the PS4 together. He was very forthcoming with compliments and told me a few times he wasn't interested in dating anyone else, and that he wanted a boyfriend in my city. 

But he overthinks a lot, like when I said in my experience guys always hope the grass is greener elsewhere. I found out two days later that he took that as me giving him a veiled warning that I'm doing that. 

As I live alone I can form a "support bubble" during lockdown, so two weekends ago he came to stay with me and it was really good. The lines are a bit blurred when it comes to how many dates we've had - yes we've only had two in person now, but due to covid we've taken advantage of other options. 

When he got home he told me he felt depressed, which started ringing alarm bells for me. I said it's because he misses me, but didn't get a reply and a few hours later he just texted me "Goodnight hottie x". 

I started feeling like he was going to pull away as usually happens. He still texted me the next two days but I felt it was a bit less and then 13 days ago I replied to him that I felt disappointed because I knew it was unlikely we'll see each other again. He asked was he not good enough, so I clarified that he was, but I feel he's pulling away. He took it badly and said I probably found someone "better". I said we need to talk about this properly and he agreed. I tried calling but he didn't pick up or return it. I texted the next morning saying I hope he's OK and slept well, and he replied he hoped I was too. 

9 days ago I checked in on how he's doing and he replied "Sorry I didn’t message you before I’ve been thinking a lot about what you told me last time". I apologised and said I was just overthinking and let my dating anxiety get the best of me. He asked what I meant, so I tried calling and he texted "one sec, sister on the phone". 

Didn't get anything until 8 days ago when he texted "Hey Mike... I’m sorry I couldn’t call you I guess I just don’t feel in the mood to talk to many people at the moment. I think after what you told me I felt like there was something wrong with me on Saturday that you didn’t like and you were using an quick exit excuse or something like that... I just didn’t know where that came from since I was messaging you as normal cause I liked our second date but well. I was overthinking a lot about what I did wrong and all that so I haven’t been feel ok about myself lately plus my everyday life concerns. This is just to explain how I feel as I don’t know what your thinking at the moment or feeling..." 

I replied "You did nothing wrong, I wouldn't have changed anything about Saturday. I was just overthinking - I wasn't trying to end it. If you don't know how I'm feeling, the only way to fix that is a call. I'm not going to explain over text because that leads to misunderstandings." 

He didn't reply, so 7 days ago I sent "Right, I'm just going to put this out there... do you see us going anywhere? Because I do. I like you. I think we have something really good and want to see where we go." 

He replied 6 days ago "I do but I think about last week I freaked out a little bit and put me off in a way, specially this time of lockdown that makes me get more crazy than I am", to which I replied "So you left me hanging for a week, not telling me anything... I don't really understand how you can put yourself off dating me? You do know that if you'd spoken to me, you could have avoided freaking out so much and thinking you'd done something wrong when you stayed over? 

I would be interested in seeing where it goes because we do have lots in common, but would I be wasting my time?". 

He replied "I didn’t left you hanging for a week, you were the one who told me that you were disappointed because I “wasn’t messaging you the same and I was distant” I thought that was a quick way to get me out if the picture like many people have done with me in the past. also like if that wasn’t enough we are now trapped in a never ending lockdown... " 

I replied "I just mean that I did try to talk to you. I had no idea what was going on in your head, but now I know what you were thinking, I know that talking would have avoided you thinking that way. I did apologise and say I was overthinking. I wasn't trying to get you out of the picture." 

No reply. The next day, 5 days ago, as I hadn't had the chance to explain in a call, I sent this to try and get my side across: "Hey Paolo. I just want to say I'm so sorry that what I said last week made you feel so bad. I messed up. 

I took your text about feeling depressed as being like when that guy texted me that sex with me made him feel "meh". I overthought, convinced myself you were going to dump me, and I tried to preempt it. As you've said, we've both had that from loads of guys in the past. I've regretted what I said ever since - it's a horrible, sick feeling. 

Our time together that weekend was amazing and I wouldn't have changed a thing about it. It meant a lot to me that you made that trip to see me. Meeting you was also a high point in an otherwise s***ty year. 

Te he extrañado. I really hope you're doing OK x". 

Not heard from him since. He's not removed me from Facebook, Tinder or his 'close friends' list on the PS4, and his online status still shows on WhatsApp, the main way we communicate. 

I've gone no contact since as I know doing otherwise would push him away. It's 13 days since it fell apart and I'm still crying each day. I genuinely like this guy a lot and I'm more cut up about this than previous ones. 

My idea was that I'll drop him a message saying I've started playing his favourite video game and make a comment about it (I've had it downloaded for a while) - something that's not about the bad situation, but relates back to something that attracted us to each other in the first place. My question is, how long do you suggest I leave it? I don't want too much time to pass in case he stops missing me and moves on. I was thinking about this coming weekend as I'm off work next week, which gives me time to mope if it goes badly haha. But that might be too soon. 

Also, do you think reconciliation sounds possible? You obviously don't know him, but what does it sound like he's thinking and feeling to you? I would really like to keep seeing him. 

Thank you so much in advance. 

 

 

Oh Mike, I’m so sorry this has ended up hurting so much! 
Here are my humble musings, I think you both are people struggling in this pandemic, and on top of that dealing with a lot of hurt and insecurity. From the amount of time that is takes Paolo to reply, it seems like he in fact is the distant one. He’s accusing you of being distant, but he kind of gave you the silent treatment as he mulled over assumptions in his head that could have been solved with some honest communication and a phone call.

 

I’m wondering, do you really want to be with someone who can’t communicate very well and handles his emotions immaturely? His silence and the fact that he has removed you from his social media is already an answer. I’m not sure you doing all these mental gymnastics in order to win him over and trying to mend the scraps of this relationship is fair on you. He seems to have left it all on you to do, and that’s not how good true love works.

 

In peace and humble musings,

Pau.

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It's more of a concern that after the "meh" comment you'd still be interested in trying to continue a relationship with this person.

That says a lot more about you than about him and it's not good.

You don't need people like that in your life.

 

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8 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Sounds like the guy just pasted words from some 'turning it back on you...' templates.

Don't work so hard to pursue anyone who won't take your phone call.

Head high, be resilient about moving forward, but pretzel yourself for NOone.

Thanks catfeeder. My friend said similar about turning it back on me. Suggested it could be manipulative behaviour. 

You're right, I shouldn't have to 'pretzel' myself. 

1 hour ago, Pau said:

Oh Mike, I’m so sorry this has ended up hurting so much! 
Here are my humble musings, I think you both are people struggling in this pandemic, and on top of that dealing with a lot of hurt and insecurity. From the amount of time that is takes Paolo to reply, it seems like he in fact is the distant one. He’s accusing you of being distant, but he kind of gave you the silent treatment as he mulled over assumptions in his head that could have been solved with some honest communication and a phone call.

 

I’m wondering, do you really want to be with someone who can’t communicate very well and handles his emotions immaturely? His silence and the fact that he has removed you from his social media is already an answer. I’m not sure you doing all these mental gymnastics in order to win him over and trying to mend the scraps of this relationship is fair on you. He seems to have left it all on you to do, and that’s not how good true love works.

 

In peace and humble musings,

Pau.

I think there might be a misunderstanding - he hasn't removed me from social media. Maybe I could have worded it better, sorry 🙂

Thank you for the feedback. The thing is, in my experience it's unusual to meet someone who is this good looking, I have amazing physical chemistry with, we have a lot of fun and make each other laugh a lot, and who shares all of my most important interests (but obviously some other different ones to each other too). 

As he told me when this situation started that he thought I'd been distant too and was trying to end it, I feel like maybe he's decided a period of no contact is the way forward like people often suggest. It could have been suggested by his friend too. I feel like the actions and attempts at communication I've been able to do since then show that his assumption isn't correct though. 

It's only around this time that I get so anxious and insecure because it's usually when a guy disappears. Once I'm past this point and he sticks around it calms down massively for me. I'm sure it's the same for a lot of people to some extent, as you're often not 100% sure of their intentions. I know that if I get past this, I'd be a lot more relaxed and I'd hope it would be the same for him too. 

39 minutes ago, gamon said:

It's more of a concern that after the "meh" comment you'd still be interested in trying to continue a relationship with this person.

That says a lot more about you than about him and it's not good.

You don't need people like that in your life.

 

The "meh" comment was a previous guy! Haha. I definitely did not pursue him. It just added to my scars though. 

Edited by MikeUK86
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9 hours ago, MikeUK86 said:

Thanks catfeeder. My friend said similar about turning it back on me. Suggested it could be manipulative behaviour. 

You're right, I shouldn't have to 'pretzel' myself. 

But you don't 'have to'. You keep seeking it. He won't take your phone call, so you keep pursuing by text, and then he just keep pasting the same bait to spin you around yourself.

He's not participating. He's just pasting stuff to keep you on that misery-go-round all by yourself.

Quit that, and you will thank yourself later.

Edited by catfeeder
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14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

But you don't 'have to'. You keep seeking it. He won't take your phone call, so you keep pursuing by text, and then he just keep pasting the same bait to spin you around yourself.

He's not participating. He's just pasting stuff to keep you on that misery-go-round all by yourself.

Quit that, and you will thank yourself later.

Thanks catfeeder. 

I didn't literally mean I 'have' to. I was agreeing with you 🙂

I didn't want to send that last text, but as he hadn't allowed me to have an adult conversation on the phone about it I just wanted to get at least a bit of my thought process behind what had been going on across. There'd be more to say if it had been on the phone but I wasn't going to type an essay or more messages about it. In the unlikely event that he gets in touch, that's the only time I'd even consider saying anything further - I'm not going to contact him anymore because you're right. 

When you refer to him pasting bait, do you mean you think he's kind of 'breadcrumbing' me? Leading me on? The main part of the problem now is that he said he does see us going somewhere ("but..."). It'd probably be easier if he'd just said "no", which is why it's still messing with my head. Maybe that's intentional though. 

Edited by MikeUK86
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2 hours ago, MikeUK86 said:

Thanks catfeeder. 

I didn't literally mean I 'have' to. I was agreeing with you 🙂

I didn't want to send that last text, but as he hadn't allowed me to have an adult conversation on the phone about it I just wanted to get at least a bit of my thought process behind what had been going on across. There'd be more to say if it had been on the phone but I wasn't going to type an essay or more messages about it. In the unlikely event that he gets in touch, that's the only time I'd even consider saying anything further - I'm not going to contact him anymore because you're right. 

When you refer to him pasting bait, do you mean you think he's kind of 'breadcrumbing' me? Leading me on? The main part of the problem now is that he said he does see us going somewhere ("but..."). It'd probably be easier if he'd just said "no", which is why it's still messing with my head. Maybe that's intentional though. 

Mike, what does it matter, as you know that he is a horrible choice as a partner.   I strongly suggest counseling and taking a break from dating, as you are choosing lousy men.  This dude is a waste of time!

Edited by Hollyj
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19 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Mike, what does it matter, as you know that he is a horrible choice as a partner.   I strongly suggest counseling and taking a break from dating, as you are choosing lousy men.  This dude is a waste of time!

Oh I get that. I just think that when I do start dating again, it's always good to have had some impartial insight into things that have happened previously, that's all! Helps me be prepared when the time comes to meet someone again in the future. 

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11 hours ago, MikeUK86 said:

When you refer to him pasting bait, do you mean you think he's kind of 'breadcrumbing' me? Leading me on? The main part of the problem now is that he said he does see us going somewhere ("but..."). It'd probably be easier if he'd just said "no", which is why it's still messing with my head. Maybe that's intentional though. 

He's just passively giving you word salad to chomp on until you get tired and go away.

If he cared, he'd be on the phone with you. He won't do that.

When I say 'pasting,' I mean he's used this same passive ditch before, and it's just the easiest way for him to pretend that he's offended by you so you'll wear yourself out. He just copies and pastes the same arguments he's used on someone else.

Skip that. Stop engaging, and reach for your best dignity as you move forward. 

Edited by catfeeder
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9 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

He's just passively giving you word salad to chomp on until you get tired and go away.

If he cared, he'd be on the phone with you. He won't do that.

When I say 'pasting,' I mean he's used this same passive ditch before, and it's just the easiest way for him to pretend that he's offended by you so you'll wear yourself out. He just copies and pastes the same arguments he's used on someone else.

Skip that. Stop engaging, and reach for your best dignity as you move forward. 

That makes a lot of sense. Thank you so much 🙂

He says he's been on the receiving end of that, but maybe you're right and he's actually the one who's been responsible for it. I mean, he does moan about guys looking for a quick exit... then he does that exact same thing and ghosts me. 

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