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my boyfriend of 8 years left his wife for me, moved in with me and my son and 6 weeks later has left me. I am devastated. :(


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Patty...you were not the only one. I know it comforts you to believe he really did love you, but I can guarantee that Zumba class was his happy hunting ground. It's kind of astonishing that

What pattern from your past are you trying to replicate (and resolve) by holding onto this sparkly turd? An answer for yourself, no need to tell me. But I’m hoping once you work that out you can escap

Just skim read everything! I don't know what's really going on here Patty and I guess this guy was a master manipulator but you also don't sound that mature or wise, especially for your age. You had S

10 minutes ago, pattycee said:

I do have a good idea Boltnrun. He is an older man with asthma. He is very selfish and very concerned about his health and living as long as he can. There is no way he would ever risk his life with Covid-19 to have meaningless sex. He is in the high risk group. Canadians have been issued a travel warning that Panama is a high risk for Covid 19. And it is. Just because he is in a mountain town does not mean the risk is gone. They have rules and restrictions and must wear masks everywhere. So, I think the chances of him prowling around for the foreseeable future are very slim.

Also, he went back to work things out with his wife. He left me last September when they booked a trip to Panama, trying to cut off all contact and trying to work on his marriage back then. He did not succeed. He kept holding onto me. I think this time he is going to try harder to work it out with his wife and this meant letting me go completely. But I KNOW what kind of a man he is. SELFISH. When he gets lonely, bored or horny, he will most likely message me and tell me a bunch of bull**** to re-hook me. I don't know for sure if he will but I will bet my money on it based on his past behaviour and how well I know him. Before he left, he actually told me he would f*** me in a minute. What an odd thing to say when you are leaving a woman??? 

No, I will not go back to him. I am on my own journey and healing process now. I am still grieving and crying everyday, trying to work through all these terrible, debilitating emotions. It is hell on earth. I am sure many people here can empathize. I feel like I am in withdrawal from a drug. It is a horrible place to be. I am currently seeking therapists online. There are many choices here and I am trying to figure out which one would be best qualified to handle my complex situation.

I just had to copy this.   Third day in a row, I log in and you are still obsessing about this man and ruminating stories.   Remember, every time you do this, it's like putting logs on a fire.  You keep it alive by repeating it.

Do you want to get to other side?  Catch yourself in these moments!

Going through my divorce, I did the same.  I get it.  I used to go for long walks, ruminating and talking to myself.   I found a small flat smooth rock and I took it home and painted the words DON'T! on it.  I kept it in my pocket and whenever I caught myself doing what you are doing now, I'd put my hand in my pocket and hold the rock.   I know it sounds quirky, but it worked for me.

Stop. . .talking. . .thinking. . .obsessing. . .about him.   Remind yourself, everytime, how much valuable energy you are wasting when you do it.  Then remind yourself all that same energy is better spent on taking care of yourself and your son.

I don't want to log on tomorrow morning and see more of the same 🙂  Stop. . today.

Edited by reinventmyself
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3 hours ago, pattycee said:

He fed off my passion. He was not necessarily good in bed all by himself.

Well yeah. If he was good all by himself it would be masturbation. 

What did he actually bring to this relationship besides sex?

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Jibralta, he honestly wasn't that great at sex. I want to be honest here since I have been so open with everything I have shared so far. I needed his validation more than anything. I actually faked a lot of O's. The real ones he gave me were few in 8 years. I did it to hold onto him; to make him feel like he was better than he was so he would not leave me. If he was not able to please me sexually, then I was sure he would leave me and find someone else. He really did not know where to find the female pleasure point if you know what I mean. It was hit and miss. He hated it if I tried to guide him or direct him a little. He had to be in control and know it all. He had a big ego and I just kept feeding it, even though he did not earn it. I know it is sad but that is the way it was. Deep down inside, despite the fact he told me he loved me and the sex was deeper and more emotional for him TOO, I did not believe him. I felt the sex was all for fun on his end. He would always end up doing a play by play after every encounter. And how much he loved this or that, how we should do this again, or that again. How much better it was this time and how much better it keeps getting. I did it all with him and after the initial infatuation wore off, I did begin to see I was a typical mistress. One who was there solely for his pleasure, at his convenience, to perform on demand. I was getting tired of that. Yes, I enjoyed the sex too. I knew what I was doing. But I always felt a sense of shame and like I was betraying myself by allowing this to happen but my emptiness and need to take away the pain I was feeling at the time won out over logic and reason. I victimized MYSELF. I think my connection to him sexually was best in the first 5 years and then in the last 3 it started to weaken because I was realizing it was just sex to him. And my feelings were deeper than that. And I just felt like a sex doll who had to always perform to keep him and I started to resent that. I wanted it to be real. More intimate. I don't have much sexual experience but I am pretty sure most women can only go through the carnal f***ing phase for a limited time. It needs to get deeper as the relationship progresses. I always felt like I was stuck in the perpetual FWB stage. He did everything to give me the facade of a relationship as he saw my feelings had become deeper and I wanted a boyfriend. So he pretended all along to be my boyfriend. Called himself my boyfriend. And believe me, did everything a boyfriend does. For a married man, he sure did spend an extraordinary amount of time with me and on Snapchat, Whatsapp and texting, on the phone etc. He was a big part of my life. And he kept feeding my fantasy of being my boyfriend. As long as he kept getting what he wanted. He fooled me to keep getting the GF experience with me, without giving up his other life. We did have a strong sexual chemistry and had a lot of fun together. I used to love our time with each other. Away from the world and on a cloud. I honestly feel like living with him everyday took all that fun away. I saw the REAL man in front of me and he really was no Prince. He was angry a lot, hot and cold, self absorbed, etc. I loved the fantasy man and our fantasy. I guess we could not sustain that in real life. He was not who I thought he was. 

I know someday I will not CARE as that will happen once I am healed from the grief and have moved on.... but.... I am not too worried about him being good in bed. I made him think he was. If he tries to bring anyone else to O, he will see it does not happen very easily or as quickly as it did with me, if, at all. I had 50 plus with him and he actually believed it. That is how egotistical and delusional he was. And now, and for the rest of his days, if he happens to get some, he will feel inadequate wondering what he is doing wrong. Because as his mistress, I delivered the fantasy he was looking for. I made him feel like a God. And he never was. He is just an ordinary man who farts in bed. Whose sh**t stinks. Who needs to take 10 meds a day and whose body is breaking down from old age. That is what I left him with. Maybe that was my revenge on him in some subconscious way. I guess that makes me a bad person too. 

He once told me he tried to have sex with his wife and went limp. And that he tried for a long time to give her an O but he couldn't do it. Hmmmm. I spoiled the man by selling him a fantasy. I guess I did him a disservice. 

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So if you're sure you won't go back to him why not block him?

Be honest with yourself if not with us.  Are you refusing to block him because you want him to contact you?  Do you fantasize about him contacting you saying he can't live without you and he's coming back for good this time?

Again, be honest with yourself.  Otherwise you will stay stuck in this wheel of misery.

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I loved him. Despite his faults, I loved him. I loved him in the real sense of the word. Unconditionally. And in the end, by allowing myself to love that deeply, I was hurt deeply because he was not the right man for me. I will be more careful next time about giving my heart to any man.

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5 hours ago, reinventmyself said:

 Third day in a row, I log in and you are still obsessing about this man and ruminating stories.   Remember, every time you do this, it's like putting logs on a fire.  You keep it alive by repeating it.

Do you want to get to other side? 

Stop. . .talking. . .thinking. . .obsessing. . .about him.   Remind yourself, everytime, how much valuable energy you are wasting when you do it.  Then remind yourself all that same energy is better spent on taking care of yourself and your son.

I don't want to log on tomorrow morning and see more of the same 🙂  Stop. . today.

👍

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8 hours ago, pattycee said:

My son is the only joy I have in my life right now. I am not alone. I do plan to continue focusing on my son. He does deserve my love and care and focus more than anyone on earth. 

Well just remember he wanted you to put your son away ASAP! He wanted you to get rid of your only joy in life. He has his wife and kids (albeit bad relationships with sons) but he didn't want your son around. He said to you that you're too "attached" to your son. Um, he's only 15 so still a minor and he has special needs. Of course you're attached to him! Saying all that stuff just shows you what a piece of dog poo your "boyfriend" is.

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  • 3 weeks later...

You brought everything on yourself.  That man will never leave his wife for you. He will and probably has multiple other women he sees and truly does not want you to fall that in love with him.  He's a sociopath.  

The only person I feel sorry for is the wife. I have no sympathy for you. You knew he was married, you thought he was going to leave his life for you and it backfired...like 5 times. Lol. 

Try to get a man who is not married or in a relationship. It may work out for you. But I am unsure how you are the victim...

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we desire most what we can't have. MM, is only touchable on their terms and still with their wife. They always go back to their wife, making them untouchable....you are chasing a carrot on a stick. He was never really obtainable to you, that's why you desired him most to no end. Being desired by a MM is intoxicating, make you feel high up, makes you feel special that you got his attention. Need to do a check on your self worth.

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