are these things deal breakers?

[rcph]

I've been seeing a guy for a few months now, and I'm just not sure about him. I don't know if I'm just being too picky/snobby or if these things truly should be deal breakers. Help!

So he is in his late 20s and still lives with his parents. He has only lived on his own for less than a year (long story), but he chalks it up to it being a financial thing. I understand if someone is in school and still living with their parents, but this guy has a full time job so why is he still living there? He says he is going to move out sometime this year, but how do I know for sure...my main question too is does his mom do his laundry, cook and clean for him? I can't just ask him that right?! Something just seems off about it but I don't know if I should just let this go or not. I don't want to get into a relationship with this guy and then 6, 12 months down the line he's still living with his parents. How do I even know if he can actually take care of himself on his own?

Another thing is that he stays up late and sleeps in late. I don't necessarily love getting up early, but I do it to be productive. And thinking long term, I want to be with someone who will get up early with me too to have coffee and breakfast, or to go out and be active in the morning (hiking, boating, etc). If I'm with someone who is just sleeping all day I KNOW I'm going to be extremely annoyed and resentful. But again am I being too picky/snobby, should I let this go?

Lastly, he makes about half as much money as I do. While this specifically doesn't really bother me, he is giving me the vibe that he is extremely cheap. I don't care to spend money on things, but I do like to take nice vacations and treat myself once in a while to massages and things like that. I don't want to have to be the one constantly planning things or footing the bill because the guy is too cheap to want to do anything.

Maybe we're just incompatible. But I also feel ridiculous to just cut things off because of these things. We do have fun together and he's a nice guy. But I'm not sure he is as ambitious as I like guys to be. But I don't want to focus on the wrong things here. Honest advice and opinions welcome. Thank you!

[Hollyj]

Sorry, but you two do not sound compatible .   Living with mommy and daddy in one's late 20's -unless cultural- would be an issue for me, too.  Cheap would be a HUGE problem!

[smackie9]

This guy has very little motivation....dealbreaker! Girl move on.

[SooSad33]

Sounds like you have realized your differences early on.  But what can you tolerate/ or not?

Reasons for a person to still be at home ( In late 20's) can happen.

So you don't know IF he has probs financially. 

He sleeps in.. you don't.

You make more money.. you are more active...

Yeah, I feel he's just not one for YOU.  You already sound a little off kilter... Is best to see this early on. ( many often do, first few mos of dating).

Be honest.. say you're just not feeling it... and can be 'just friends' if you both want that.

[smackie9]

For the love of god, you are not being ridiculous. If you want to just date casually then date casually, but date others. If you want someone to have a future with, stop wasting your time.

[HeartGoesOn]

1 hour ago, rcph said:

Maybe we're just incompatible.

You nailed it right there.  Own it, and move on...

[Batya33]

Doesn't sound like a good match for the simple basic reason that you don't respect or admire him enough.  You're doing the laundry list thing which you feel means you are too picky but ignoring the basic issues of respect and admiration.  Not adoration -not pedestal stuff - but the way you describe him as "nice" would work if you were maybe getting a puppy or describing a coworker you don't adore personally but you can deal with "she's a pleasant person".  My husband and I each lived at home till our late 20s -me till I finished grad school and him because he had moved out a few times to go away for school and work reasons and hadn't yet found the right place to live/settle.  He moved out shortly after we started dating the first time.  He's awful at housework basically.  He sleeps in.  I'm decent at housework and get up early. 

But here's the thing - when we dated in the 1990s and again starting in 2005 I regularly stayed out late.  I regularly had an active night life -with him, with friends, with professional activities, with group activities.  Then I had a baby.  Oh my goodness.  I was so done with going out at night.  I am so very happy to go to bed before 10:30.  I get up at 6:30 these days to work out before my son gets up.  Love it.  My husband does his best work at night and if he can help it is never up before 9:15.  9:30 is more the norm.  

But here's the thing - yes those things can sometimes really annoy me - especially since when my son was a toddler he'd be up by 6:30 on a cold winter morning with husband sleeping in. How would you enjoy tours of a 5 story apartment building on a Sunday morning?  (I did but you know I was desperate too).  Do I love picking up his half filled water/juice glasses, wondering when I can throw out his "leftovers?"  Nope.  But I love him.  More importantly even I respect and admire him.  He is ambitious, he is brilliant, he is successful, he went after his life's passion for career, he works his behind off - and while he "could be" arrogant with all his accomplishments he is down to earth, thoughtful, a man of character and integrity. 

But when we first dated I ended thing right before the wedding because back then he wasn't in a career he loved ,back then he was too insecure and too nice in the bad definition -passive, too dependent on his parents, too insecure.  I realized I'd be settling if I married my "nice guy", my Mr. Right on Paper.  But almost 8 years later - he changed.  I changed, too.  Our changes made us the right people for each other. 

Yes, I admired and respected him the first time around but not enough.  Not enough to marry him.  Not enough to feel that essential strong spark.  You need that spark.  The "friendship caught on fire" - and not a spark because it's a bad/unavailable guy -because he's available but you admire him and it's exciting -even quietly exciting - to be with him -to be the person fortunate enough to be with him, to be the person he feels lucky to be with too.  All the time? No.  Most of the time - yes -and when things get tough -like if you ever have a newborn and all of a sudden hiking in the morning is a non-starter cause baby was up 3 times during a two hour period starting at 2am - you have the memory of the za za zoom even if you are zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Don't indulge in making a list of pros/cons or telling yourself your list makes you picky unless the list is about major life goals or major life values.  Instead ask yourself if you respect and admire him, if you see potential to love him, if you think he is a person of character not just "nice".

[MissCanuck]

What kind of full-time job does he have that permits him to stay up late and sleep in late?

Or is that something he does on his days off? 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

What kind of full-time job does he have that permits him to stay up late and sleep in late?

Or is that something he does on his days off? 

You know there are many many full time jobs like this - where it doesn't require traditional working hours just projects that need to be finished -sometimes because headquarters is overseas, etc.

[MissCanuck]

39 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You know there are many many full time jobs like this - where it doesn't require traditional working hours just projects that need to be finished -sometimes because headquarters is overseas, etc.

Yes, I'm perfectly aware, and that's why I asked OP what type of job he has. 

I wanted her to clarify before I came down too hard on him for being up late and waking up late. We don't know what kind of work he does that might mean it's not unreasonable for him to have these sleeping patterns. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, rcph said:

Maybe we're just incompatible.

Your instincts are excellent and warning you that you're seeing red flags early on. Do you have your own place? Is he camping out there? He does not seem responsible or mature enough to date seriously. If he were working a couple jobs and going to school and hustling, that's one thing, but he seems a but spoiled/lazy.

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Yes, I'm perfectly aware, and that's why I asked OP what type of job he has. 

I wanted her to clarify before I came down too hard on him for being up late and waking up late. We don't know what kind of work he does that might mean it's not unreasonable for him to have these sleeping patterns. 

I misread what you wrote to mean you were not aware.  Sorry!

[Hollyj]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Doesn't sound like a good match for the simple basic reason that you don't respect or admire him enough.  You're doing the laundry list thing which you feel means you are too picky but ignoring the basic issues of respect and admiration.  Not adoration -not pedestal stuff - but the way you describe him as "nice" would work if you were maybe getting a puppy or describing a coworker you don't adore personally but you can deal with "she's a pleasant person".  My husband and I each lived at home till our late 20s -me till I finished grad school and him because he had moved out a few times to go away for school and work reasons and hadn't yet found the right place to live/settle.  He moved out shortly after we started dating the first time.  He's awful at housework basically.  He sleeps in.  I'm decent at housework and get up early. 

But here's the thing - when we dated in the 1990s and again starting in 2005 I regularly stayed out late.  I regularly had an active night life -with him, with friends, with professional activities, with group activities.  Then I had a baby.  Oh my goodness.  I was so done with going out at night.  I am so very happy to go to bed before 10:30.  I get up at 6:30 these days to work out before my son gets up.  Love it.  My husband does his best work at night and if he can help it is never up before 9:15.  9:30 is more the norm.  

But here's the thing - yes those things can sometimes really annoy me - especially since when my son was a toddler he'd be up by 6:30 on a cold winter morning with husband sleeping in. How would you enjoy tours of a 5 story apartment building on a Sunday morning?  (I did but you know I was desperate too).  Do I love picking up his half filled water/juice glasses, wondering when I can throw out his "leftovers?"  Nope.  But I love him.  More importantly even I respect and admire him.  He is ambitious, he is brilliant, he is successful, he went after his life's passion for career, he works his behind off - and while he "could be" arrogant with all his accomplishments he is down to earth, thoughtful, a man of character and integrity. 

But when we first dated I ended thing right before the wedding because back then he wasn't in a career he loved ,back then he was too insecure and too nice in the bad definition -passive, too dependent on his parents, too insecure.  I realized I'd be settling if I married my "nice guy", my Mr. Right on Paper.  But almost 8 years later - he changed.  I changed, too.  Our changes made us the right people for each other. 

Yes, I admired and respected him the first time around but not enough.  Not enough to marry him.  Not enough to feel that essential strong spark.  You need that spark.  The "friendship caught on fire" - and not a spark because it's a bad/unavailable guy -because he's available but you admire him and it's exciting -even quietly exciting - to be with him -to be the person fortunate enough to be with him, to be the person he feels lucky to be with too.  All the time? No.  Most of the time - yes -and when things get tough -like if you ever have a newborn and all of a sudden hiking in the morning is a non-starter cause baby was up 3 times during a two hour period starting at 2am - you have the memory of the za za zoom even if you are zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Don't indulge in making a list of pros/cons or telling yourself your list makes you picky unless the list is about major life goals or major life values.  Instead ask yourself if you respect and admire him, if you see potential to love him, if you think he is a person of character not just "nice".

Totally get being at home if one is still finishing or recently graduated school.  

[Batya33]

23 minutes ago, Hollyj said:

Totally get being at home if one is still finishing or recently graduated school.  

Well for me I didn't start grad school till age 25 but started applying a year prior plus I made next to no $ right out of college.  Also - I think especially back then in the early 90s it was far more acceptable for a woman to live with her parents longer than a man.

[Cherylyn]

Deal breaker!

Whenever you observe a man, always think of what type of quality of life he can give you or not give you.  Will he give you a difficult or easy, harmonious, economically stable and smooth sailing life?  Always think about finances, economics, character, health and lifestyle because nothing else matters.  Those are the major focuses on the right things.  You're either compatible or not and clearly both of you are incompatible.

So what if he's a nice guy?  "Love doesn't pay the rent."  He still lives at home and sleeps his life away.  So what if you have fun together with a "Mama's Boy?"  🙁

It's perfectly fine to be picky and snobby.  I am and it's fine to be very selective.  I was extremely picky and choosy when I was with my husband during our dating and engagement phases.  You'd better believe it.  

I wasn't about to repeat my mother's mistake.  My late father gave her and his family a hellacious life filled with turmoil, strife, financial hardship, struggle and we lived a hand to mouth existence.  My sister and I married up.  We all worked hard and fruition came from being in lockstep with our spouses. 

You are right, you will become extremely annoyed and resentful should you have a relationship with him.  Both of you are on entirely different pages; like oil and water and the two shall never mix!

Then there's the lack of income and yes, you are correct.  You'll end up footing the bill for everything.  You are the one who has to reach for your wallet and pay for both of you all the time.   He's a broke bloke.  If you can do better, then do better.  Think about the quality of your life and lifestyle always.  It's not enjoyable to deny having good times and a comfortable standard of living due to constant lack of money. 

If you're not sure about him, then listen to your gut instincts because they're always right on the mark.  If you're not sure about him, common sense is telling you that you will not have a happy life with him.  Never waste your time, energy and resources on a man when you know your relationship will be abysmal.  Don't set yourself up for chronic disappointment.  It's better to be alone and smart than feel lonely with the wrong man.

Those are my very honest opinions and advice.  Hopefully, you'll take heed.   You'd better shop around.

 

[Capricorn3]

One word- incompatible.  That doesn't mean he's a bad person.  He's just not the right person for you.  It's a good thing you recognize the signs early on.  Don't stay.  You'll be miserable.  

[Clio]

On 1/24/2021 at 7:36 PM, rcph said:

he is in his late 20s and still lives with his parents.  this guy has a full time job so why is he still living there?  his mom do his laundry, cook and clean for him? How do I even know if he can actually take care of himself on his own?

Another thing is that he stays up late and sleeps in late. thinking long term, I want to be with someone who will get up early with me too to have coffee and breakfast, or to go out and be active in the morning (hiking, boating, etc). If I'm with someone who is just sleeping all day I KNOW I'm going to be extremely annoyed and resentful. 

he is giving me the vibe that he is extremely cheap. I don't want to have to be the one constantly planning things or footing the bill because the guy is too cheap to want to do anything.

 I'm not sure he is as ambitious as I like guys to be.

Reread what your wrote above.  Past behaviour is indication of future behaviour.  This guy is immature and chances are that if you were ever to live together THAT is the person you would have to deal with day after day.  Basically, he sounds like a person who refuses to grow up hence still living at home, having his mom still cleaning after him, sleeping in late as if he is still a teenager.  Imo, the chances of him magically changing all the abovementioned bad habits and become more ambitious for you are slim to none.  What you see is what you will get, as is the case with most people.  Plus, he is extremely cheap, which is a turn off for the vast majority of people.  If you can't/ don't want to spend your life with him as he is, then imo, yes, these are deal breakers and you need to let him go.  Based on what you wrote, you two are incompatible.   

[Rose Mosse]

He gave you the vibe that he is cheap? This seems more like an assumption or you reading into a scenario that you described. He could be saving up for something or have his sights on something else. I think the only way through this is to get a feel of what he's about more. Instead of finding out about his day to day life, ask bigger questions like what his passions are, what are some of his dreams - I'm meaning along the lines of what gets him up every day (even if it's in his mum's house or late?!). 

The real dealbreaker would be lack of goals or passions in life. It takes some soul-searching and smacking yourself on rock after rock or wall after wall finding out what you like and don't like and frustrating moments realizing that some things are not for you while others... maybe they work a bit better given your own time constraints, physical limits, etc. I would really have loved to have fallen in love with snowboarding for instance but I don't like the snow. This was 20 years ago. Instead I found other things I love to do. 

Find out more about the big things that matter to him and don't pay so much attention to what he pays for his meals or whether he lives at home or can wipe his own messes. If you can get a sense of whether a person can think big, you'll also have some idea of whether he/she has a way of getting there (method to the madness) or a plan in place. This may make all the difference. 

After you get a better idea, then make a decision. The plan may be in place but he may be further behind in his than you are in yours (your plans). That's okay too. You can let him go then if he's not the right person for you.

[catfeeder]

The whole point of dating someone is to learn about him. His future ambitions may become a moot point very quickly if you discover that you find him boring.